Comparing physiques, how does it make you feel?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    To be honest I am terrible at comparing my body type/physique to others around me or guys in magazines. Because of this I struggle with highs & lows of self esteem & depression at times because I dont have a certain look or physique & it makes me feel like just giving up sometimes.

    My brother is hugely obese & fighting diabetes as well as his whole family. When Im around them I feel proud & lucky that Im in the shape Im in & it makes me want to keep trying harder.

    But mostly if I see a hot guy in the gym, on RJ, in a magazine & etc it makes me feel inadequate & to be honest so ugly & fat at times. No matter how many times someone tells me how hot I am I feel like the ugly fat duckling. I have worked my whole life to try to stay attractive/in-shape & it gets exausting physically & mentally at times.

    It even bothers me at times being around my bf because hes so beautifully built with awesome genetics & he never works out & has a body I would kill for, but I have to strive every day just to be "average".

    Does anyone else battle with this internally? If so how do you handle it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 2:46 AM GMT
    Whenever I see a hot guy, I want to have sex with him and then hate him at the same time because I can't. But then I look in the mirror and I'm like, "Well, I would fuck me," and then I RUN to the gym. But if the gym is closed I get depressed, venting only partially by vicariously having sex with 10,000 men and 10,000 faps over the internet, then end up in bed so late that the sun is rising again and I feel like a loser.

    oh, and btw

    [social psychology helmet on]

    This thread is about Upwards and Downwards Social Comparison, and how both can be either beneficial or detrimental to one's mental health

    [/helmet off]


    um.....

    [gym complex on]

    I HAVE TO GO TO THE GYM NOW NO MORE TIME FOR EXPLAINING THINGS>>>>>>>>>>PROTEIIIIIIN SHAAAAAAAAKKKEEEE!!!!!!!!

    [/complex off]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 5:04 AM GMT
    I've said before it's hard for me to have an objective body image at my hardcore gym, but even so, the way I reconcile it internally is knowing that since there will always be someone better built, hotter, younger, better looking, smarter and more successful I can make lemonade out of those lemons by using them as inspiration and motivation rather than as a yardstick. And when that doesn't work I go to Walmart.

    See also this article about the peril of measuring yourself against perfection: http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/never-measure-yourself-against-perfection/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 7:46 AM GMT
    I always feel insecure when I go to the gym. It seems that everybody else has a better physique than me. I look comparatively like a stick insect. icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    That's all silliness.

    There will ALWAYS be someone who is younger, better built, has more money, a better position in life. That is a FACT of life.

    You choose either to be miserable about it, or not.

    The trick is learning to like yourself, and not seeking the validation of others.
  • jimjock

    Posts: 278

    Nov 20, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    I only compete with my yesterdays....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 7:58 AM GMT
    I know how you feel... people that have never felt this way will never understand--- I'm going to bed now. Have a nice night rj.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 8:03 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidThat's all silliness.

    There will ALWAYS be someone who is younger, better built, has more money, a better position in life. That is a FACT of life.

    You choose either to be miserable about it, or not.

    The trick is learning to like yourself, and not seeking the validation of others.


    chucky, every time i read what you have to say in a forum, it makes sense to me.


    ...do you know how hot that is?? haha
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Nov 20, 2010 8:13 AM GMT
    Does anyone else battle with this internally? If so how do you handle it?

    Yes. I can be pretty hard on myself. I try to compartmentalize the negative feelings and just be rational and logical about what I need to do (going to the gym for example) despite how I might feel about myself personally to stay in good healthy shape like by lifting weights and swimming even if I really can't stand the way I look sometimes. Sometimes I have avoided going out in public or minimized my exposure to other people. Also not looking at myself in the mirror (like when I need to brush my teeth or use the bathroom) or doing stuff like showering with the lights off. That's during particularly bad moments though and I continually work on not doing that or force myself to do exactly the opposite.

    eagermuscle,
    That's a really good article but it doesn't really address the problem if a person does have actual flaws or shortcomings. It's hard to make yourself feel good about such things when they actually do exist, especially if people do or have treated you differently for them.

    I don't think it's something a person can make themselves feel better about without deluding themselves in the process, it's more about learning how to cope with and/or tolerate it or removing/minimizing yourself from it I think and if it involves something that involves other people, like how attractive you are in regard to a mate or companion, then just hope you meet someone that either finds you attractive or does not let something like that get in the way of being with you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 8:23 AM GMT
    I'm happy with the physique I have and I don't make a point of comparing myself with others. Life is less stressful if you accept who you are and appreciate what you have.
    If you still want to compare yourself with others for motivational purposes or whatever then you should make sure you compare "apples with apples". Everyone has different genetics and it helps to understand what is realistic and what is not for YOU.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 8:43 AM GMT
    jimjock7576 saidI only compete with my yesterdays....

    This is the best line in this thread.

    Don't compare yourself to others, either in their best or worse form but instead how do you compare to your past self mentally and physically? Are you better than you ever were? If so, congratulate yourself in that regard. If you're worse than you ever were, use that to your fighting advantage to improve yourself.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 8:46 AM GMT
    redbull saidTo be honest I am terrible at comparing my body type/physique to others around me or guys in magazines. Because of this I struggle with highs & lows of self esteem & depression at times because I dont have a certain look or physique & it makes me feel like just giving up sometimes.

    My brother is hugely obese & fighting diabetes as well as his whole family. When Im around them I feel proud & lucky that Im in the shape Im in & it makes me want to keep trying harder.

    But mostly if I see a hot guy in the gym, on RJ, in a magazine & etc it makes me feel inadequate & to be honest so ugly & fat at times. No matter how many times someone tells me how hot I am I feel like the ugly fat duckling. I have worked my whole life to try to stay attractive/in-shape & it gets exausting physically & mentally at times.

    It even bothers me at times being around my bf because hes so beautifully built with awesome genetics & he never works out & has a body I would kill for, but I have to strive every day just to be "average".

    Does anyone else battle with this internally? If so how do you handle it?


    Have you been reading my journal?? icon_lol.gif

    I could have written this entire post almost word for word, except I dont have a brother or a BF. I absolutely HATE the way I look and have struggled with image issues most of my life. No matter how much weight I lose, how much muscle I build, how many times people tell me I "look great", I still see that lard ass with man boobs and two asses when I look at myself.

    I make a point to not compare myself with people I see in person or online, but I have been known to look to certain celebs/athletes for motivation. My ultimate goal is Michael Jai White's body, and I dont care if it takes me DECADES to get it, I will do it. Will I finally feel better about myself when I hit that goal? Well, that remains to be seen, but something tells me my image issues will still linger......
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 8:50 AM GMT
    JAKEBENSON saidBut if the gym is closed I get depressed, venting only partially by vicariously having sex with 10,000 men and 10,000 faps over the internet, then end up in bed so late that the sun is rising again and I feel like a loser.


    You aint no loser, mate

    *gets in line for vicarious sex with Jake benson j/k*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 8:50 AM GMT
    JAKEBENSON saidBut if the gym is closed I get depressed, venting only partially by vicariously having sex with 10,000 men and 10,000 faps over the internet, then end up in bed so late that the sun is rising again and I feel like a loser.


    You aint no loser, mate

    *gets in line for vicarious sex with Jake benson j/k*
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Nov 20, 2010 8:50 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    The trick is learning to like yourself, and not seeking the validation of others.


    It doesn't really matter if it comes from one's self or from others, it's still gauging and judging the qualities of one's self. Liking yourself is still seeking validation, it's just from yourself. The issue is what becomes of it. That hasn't changed.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 9:01 AM GMT
    I think I've had more of these issues when I was single then when I was seriously dating someone. You're handsome, have a cute/loving son and a partner that is also handsome. Don't dog yourself over this - it's not that important and motivation doesn't have to come from you're inadequacies so much as from wanting to be a better "you" in general.

    I think most gay men struggle with these issues at various points in their lives - but from the larger perspective you are in an enviable position being part of a loving family unit... with a hot guy that clearly finds you very attractive. You should be confident about all of this. It's win win WIN!! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 5:19 PM GMT
    Here:

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    Don't compare to other dudes. You'll almost never measure up and will probably find yourself dissapointed/depressed. You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. There will always be someone who has a better ass, chest, abs- whatever. Don't beat yourself up over it.

    Just be happy with what you have. If there is something you are insecure about, then work on it. Set goals for yourself. Compare yourself after you reach your goals to your former self. You'll find that you will be a lot happier in life that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    Of course I will compare, but it never makes me feel good. So I try not to.
    Besides, 90% of the time I actually want what I have today.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 10:52 PM GMT
    redbull saidDoes anyone else battle with this internally?
    Nope. I used to, but after knowing a bunch of guy who are "magazine hot" I learned that a lot of them have the same body image issues as anyone else...hence the reason they got so hot to begin with.

    Instead, I learned to accept my body as it is, and only workout/diet to make it look the best it can look.

    PS. Also, think about the way "most" people talk about the super ripped hotties. People like to look at them, but most people are either intimidated or ashamed to say hi to them. Then ask yourself this: "do I really want people to ignore me because of how I look?" I betcha that question sounds familiar. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 20, 2010 11:40 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidThat's all silliness.

    There will ALWAYS be someone who is younger, better built, has more money, a better position in life. That is a FACT of life.

    You choose either to be miserable about it, or not.

    The trick is learning to like yourself, and not seeking the validation of others.


    Recipient of the Best Answer Award

    Also you might want to keep in mind that the way you see yourself in the mirror or a photo isn't always the way other people see you. You may see yourself as looking "fat" or outta shape when the truth is you're not at all. Perhaps it's a familiarity trick with the brain, who knows, somewhat akin to how you never sound like how you think you sound when you hear yourself on a recording.
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Nov 20, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    beneful1 said
    chuckystud saidThat's all silliness.

    There will ALWAYS be someone who is younger, better built, has more money, a better position in life. That is a FACT of life.

    You choose either to be miserable about it, or not.

    The trick is learning to like yourself, and not seeking the validation of others.


    Recipient of the Best Answer Award

    Also you might want to keep in mind that the way you see yourself in the mirror or a photo isn't always the way other people see you. You may see yourself as looking "fat" or outta shape when the truth is you're not at all. Perhaps it's a familiarity trick with the brain, who knows, somewhat akin to how you never sound like how you think you sound when you hear yourself on a recording.


    It doesn't actually address the problem though, it's like telling people to just believe in an afterlife, then they don't have to be bothered with ceasing to exist anymore. It's like using denial or delusion to lull oneself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    beneful1 said
    chuckystud saidThat's all silliness.

    There will ALWAYS be someone who is younger, better built, has more money, a better position in life. That is a FACT of life.

    You choose either to be miserable about it, or not.

    The trick is learning to like yourself, and not seeking the validation of others.


    Recipient of the Best Answer Award

    Also you might want to keep in mind that the way you see yourself in the mirror or a photo isn't always the way other people see you. You may see yourself as looking "fat" or outta shape when the truth is you're not at all. Perhaps it's a familiarity trick with the brain, who knows, somewhat akin to how you never sound like how you think you sound when you hear yourself on a recording.


    I love both of these replies. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    There's a difference between being self-aware, delusional, and demeaning to self.

    If you go to hotornot.com and you get a consistent 9.9, then, it's likely that you're viewed by the majority in particular culture as "hot."

    I have to believe that fat folks know they're fat asses; that smokers know they smell like ashtrays, and so on.

    Now, it is TRUE that some folks lie: classic line, "slightly overweight".

    At some point, you give yourself permission to be happy, though. It's a much better state than being unhappy. That's neither delusional nor denial, but, rather, a state of mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    Smokers are jokers.


    Not the funny kind either. icon_cry.gif