What are your opinions on this?

  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 8:30 AM GMT
    Hello,

    I dont know why but i´m a bit disturbed and a little hurt by my bf´s pornography watching.
    I mean he has all the pornographic imagery of me and some videos aswell.
    Why would he use a porn film instead of our own or my imagery?
    When i asked him , he said that it was just a quick release, to releave some cum and stress... and just watch a quick sex scene! , he says he didnt "even think on the porn". But there´s something bothering me in that, the same time he tells me i make him so horny that he just cant resist, why would he use another imagery to get a boner and then wank the so called "meaningless" wank just to release some energy.

    I know he actually watches porn from variance of my pictures or imagination of me? but why would he say totally different about it and start to go to "protect mode" like hes done something which he cant tell me..., we havent been together so long that he already needs variance... so thats my worry.
    It´s probably hes fantasys which he´s fullfilling there, but am i the only one who thinks that fantasies should not be kept away and done in private and hidden, but to share the fantasy together : 1. watch porn together 2. get some inspiration from porn together 3. using me as a platform for his fantasys ?

    I guess i was hurt more from the idea that he actually knew how i view this subject, but he still does it.
    isnt it some sort of betrayal? if no , why do i feel so.


    for example , if your bf goes to strip clubs every week several times...
    would it be okay with you guys ?
    i mean they are really close i think even going to strip club is just looking for the imagery as in back of the times you watched "Playboy" or some other magazine.

    But in pornography you engage, the sounds , imagery, and masturbation.
    Your actually imagining having sex with the characters on the pixels.


    There´s nothing wrong in masturbation as Woody Allen has said : "Masturbation is having sex with someone I Love."
    but , me willing and being there all the time and he would still turn to porn...
    makes me worry and feel crap about myself, do i have a problem here and need councelling?

    I did tell him how i feel , and then he said he didnt think that it would be something to me... , so now he said he wont do it..
    but that´s just stupid i cant "control" my bf needs to fantasize about other men, i mean he would just start watching porn secretely and hiddenly..
    i should just talk to him to get him open about his fantasys and so we could watch it together , try ourselves?

    Or just i´m so confused on this subject , it cant be taken unambiguously , but am i really with the problem here?
    I´ve cruised alot of straight reliatonship forums on this, and there´s huge problems with this too.. because the line has been drawn to so close nowdays....
    i guess if there should be a scale of 8 , i would put having sex with somebody else an 8 and watching pornography while i´m there or instead of my videos and imagery as 3-4 ?

    i would love have your toughts on it.

  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    any opinions? icon_redface.gif
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    Nov 20, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    My thoughts: In terms of sex, men like variety and quantity. Pornography fulfills that need for most dudes without infidelity. Nothing wrong with it. As his partner, you need to be secure in your own skin. Realize that just because he likes looking at porn doesn't mean that he's not into you (and that you don't measure up sexually).
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidMy thoughts: In terms of sex, men like variety and quantity. Pornography fulfills that need for most dudes without infidelity. Nothing wrong with it. As his partner, you need to be secure in your own skin. Realize that just because he likes looking at porn doesn't mean that he's not into you (and that you don't measure up sexually).


    I dont think that Men and Female are that different in that matter , most of my female friends watch porn even more than men i know.
    Why do i feel that the Internet era has ratcheted the experience of pornography much closer to infidelity than I suspect most porn users would like to admit?
    Ofcourse i will not be the only one he would be attracted to, but i myself just dont feel the need to go to find that sexual excitement and other attraction(which might be even bigger than on my bf) online , he makes me really horny whenever i think on him, so the reason people watch so much porn is still to fantasize and fulfill their needs to imagine how is to have sex with other male figures?


    Instead of filing it away in an innocuous boys-will-be-boys folder,i encourage both men and women consider that watching real sex might amount to a de facto some sort of infidelity?

    And if he doesnt feel there´s anything wrong with it , why does he feel like he cant talk to me about it... and watch it together or something.

    I´m kinda afraid that in the future this will interfere with our sex life aswell.
    or maybe he wants to start having threesomes or totally open reliatonship?
    If he does , he is probably so shocked on my view on pornography already that he would be afraid to come to me with these ideas , but taking away some strong fantasys like a threesome is not my intention... but leaving him just to imagining to have a threesome i think is not fair from his aspect is it? he wouldnt act upon those just because i would get hurt.



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    Nov 20, 2010 4:24 PM GMT
    Men and women watch porn for different reasons. Women watch porn and fantasize about intimate relationships. Men watch porn to see skin and fucking.

    It's innate human nature for men to want quantity and variety. You can't circumvent basic human male programming.

    Not trying to offend you, but its sounds to me like you are a little insecure about yourself and your relationship. My best guess is that it isn't the porn that is problematic in your relationship, but your own insecurity that might be a HUGE problem that creates a wedge between you/bf.
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 4:33 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidMen and women watch porn for different reasons. Women watch porn and fantasize about intimate relationships. Men watch porn to see skin and fucking.

    It's innate human nature for men to want quantity and variety. You can't circumvent basic human male programming.

    Not trying to offend you, but its sounds to me like you are a little insecure about yourself and your relationship. My best guess is that it isn't the porn that is problematic in your relationship, but your own insecurity that might be a HUGE turnoff.



    According to you i am a woman aswell then. icon_eek.gif
    i turn on much more on intimacy rather than the movement and skin.

    and i guess i am afraid that it can be a huge turnoff , sometimes i think if he´s really horny because of me , or is he being envisioning his favourite porn characters to juice it up for him own sake.
    and how wouldnt it give me insecurities about myself within the reliatonship?

    I try to take this as sensibly as i can , but i cant get rid of the feeling what i have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    Your young. And this is more than likely your first relationship. Your thinking will change greatly over the next 10 years. Trust me.

    I used to think like you when i first came out. But I realized that if my BF watches porn, it doesn't mean that he isn't into me or is comparing me to the porn stars.

    More than likely, he just wants some variety. Maybe he finds a variety of things hot: big dicks, hairy chests, twinks, muscle dudes. You can't have every quality that he finds hot.

    Give him some slack. Let him watch his porn. And stop thinking that he's gonna run off and leave you because he is checking out other dudes. He's a guy. And guys like porn. And yes, you do sound a lot like a god damn woman. LOL
  • Gaymer

    Posts: 111

    Nov 20, 2010 4:44 PM GMT
    I'll be honest, I didn't read your wall of text past maybe 3 lines in.

    Would you rather he's buying drug addicted, std & sti ridden PROSTITUTES? Who gives a flying shit if he's looking at porn as long as he comes back to your bed and you two occasionally have consentual sex.

    You are projecting your own insecurities upon your very own boyfriend, the person you are supposed to trust and care for.

    Do you feel that you are inadequate? Do you have self-esteem issues? I am not being mean, not by any means. If you do, then talk about them in a constructive & theraputic way.

    Pornography is a tool to relieve sexual energies. If you had to bend over at every single waking moment your man got a boner, you wouldn't be able to walk. But hey, that might be a fun challenge for a three day weekend icon_cool.gif
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 4:47 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidYour young. And this is more than likely your first relationship. Your thinking will change greatly over the next 10 years. Trust me.

    I used to think like you when i first came out. But I realized that if my BF watches porn, it doesn't mean that he isn't into me or is comparing me to the porn stars.

    More than likely, he just wants some variety. Maybe he finds a variety of things hot: big dicks, hairy chests, twinks, muscle dudes. You can't have every quality that he finds hot.

    Give him some slack. Let him watch his porn. And stop thinking that he's gonna run off and leave you because he is checking out other dudes. He's a guy. And guys like porn. And yes, you do sound a lot like a god damn woman. LOL


    I agree that he wants variety , but he insists that it isnt that way.
    he says for him watching porn and wanking is like eating or drinking.
    And i find it hurtful when i´m away for the weekend and he rather turns on porn and wanks , than having a webcam wank with me.

    what i´m suppose to do then?
    watch porn aswell?

    but if the partner wants variety , sexual variety then , then he actually wants to have sex with other men too? and as i can see your in a open reliatonship... than your dealing with wanting your variety like that way?


    and calling me a woman is kinda offensive now , give me some slack i´m just trying to understand this , as i can see we come very differently on this subject especially you being as open as having sex with other people in a reliatonship.

    and ps!. its my 2nd longer reliatonship.

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    Nov 20, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    2176597606_b8997e9198.jpg
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    Dav488 saidI'll be honest, I didn't read your wall of text past maybe 3 lines in.



    Do you feel that you are inadequate?
    No, i dont.
    but now , sometimes it strucks my mind.

    Do you have self-esteem issues?

    I do have self esteem issues , but he has too infact he says i make him feel ugly sometimes.
    can this be something to look into aswell, maybe he watches so much porn instead of me, because he imagines being the muscle beatiful guy in that pixel movie?


    Pornography is a tool to relieve sexual energies.

    I tought your hand is a tool to relieve sexual energies.

    who said i´m the one to bend over?
    I´m actually the top in the reliatonship but we switch sometimes.
    icon_biggrin.gif
    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    He is just watching porn, you need to relax a bit about it. You have your beliefs about watching porn and he has his. Why not let him have his space. No matter how much two people love each other they always need there own space and time. If he was flirting with other guys or exchanging pics with someone then the matter is different but if he is just watching porn I don't see anything wrong with it. Also do you always want him to watch just you, in life, in porn, everywhere, really, its like forcing yourself on him everywhere possible.
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    asnextdoor saidHe is just watching porn, you need to relax a bit about it. You have your beliefs about watching porn and he has his. Why not let him have his space. No matter how much two people love each other they always need there own space and time. If he was flirting with other guys or exchanging pics with someone then the matter is different but if he is just watching porn I don't see anything wrong with it. Also do you always want him to watch just you, in life, in porn, everywhere, really, its like forcing yourself on him everywhere possible.


    I am getting a bit more relaxed already... and obviously i wouldnt make a big scene out of this. We talked about the flirting aswell, he believes that flirting is innocent aswell , just people need to sometimes feel wanted or impose on other people i dont remember how he said it , and i´m not a native english speaker so pardon for my english.
    But he does believe that flirting is totally normal.
    And the thing is i dont really know actually how far his virtual variety goes, maybe he does exchange pictures , go to webcam sites.
    It´s not like i´m gonna search his pc and put spyware or something on it icon_biggrin.gif


    Ofcourse i dont want to force myself everywhere possible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 5:01 PM GMT
    You are really making too much of this. Most dudes think of sex/porn/masturbation as just like eating or drinking. It's something you do to fulfill a primal need. You get hungry- you find something to eat. You get horny- you get off.

    You need to think outside the box. Just because you think of sex in terms of intimacy and relationships doesn't mean your bf friend does, too.

    Now, if it crosses the line to infidelity- that is a different story. Watching porn is not a relationship deal breaker, however, infidelity can be.

    My advice: Get over your insecurities. This is basically a non issue.
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    Nov 20, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    If I had to count the number of times I fantasized my boyfriend was someone else, I'd have been a thought slut two weeks in.

    He was wanking long before you and he'll wank after you. Fantasy is all in the head.

    To have a happy relationship, stay in your own head and stay out of your partner's. Realize there is a line between fantasy and reality.

    And grow a tougher skin or you are in for some big heartache.
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    catfish5 said You get horny- you get off.
    I get horny - i want to have sex with my partner tho.

    You need to think outside the box.
    I am trying indeed.. arent i ?

    Now, if it crosses the line to infidelity- that is a different story. Watching porn is not a relationship deal breaker, however, infidelity can be.

    I was looking at some straight reliatonship forums aswell, and it can be a deal breaker.


    My advice: Get over your insecurities. This is basically a non issue.



    But thats what i´m trying to find out, what are my insecurities then?
    What do you think?
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 5:25 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidYou are really making too much of this.


    But is this nothing to look into either , that he would choose a wanking session with his porn rather than having a webcam wank with me , when he´s horny? icon_redface.gif


    I´m trying to ease my mind here. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Nov 20, 2010 5:31 PM GMT
    janu88 said
    catfish5 said You get horny- you get off.
    I get horny - i want to have sex with my partner tho.

    You need to think outside the box.
    I am trying indeed.. arent i ?

    Now, if it crosses the line to infidelity- that is a different story. Watching porn is not a relationship deal breaker, however, infidelity can be.

    I was looking at some straight reliatonship forums aswell, and it can be a deal breaker.


    My advice: Get over your insecurities. This is basically a non issue.



    But thats what i´m trying to find out, what are my insecurities then?
    What do you think?


    We can't help you there. You gotta figure that out yourself man. Try talking to a therapist if you can
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    [/quote]
    We can't help you there. You gotta figure that out yourself man. Try talking to a therapist if you can[/quote]


    I probably will. icon_rolleyes.gif , if it gets a bigger issue.


    but am i the only one that thinks if our relationships are fulfilling,we have no reason to find some other fullfillment from porn?
    I guess we can be loving , caring and amazing couple , but the fact is then that sexually his missing something?
    unfortunately ,
    but sex isnt the most important part of the reliatonship i guess.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 5:41 PM GMT
    janu88 said[/quote]
    We can't help you there. You gotta figure that out yourself man. Try talking to a therapist if you can



    I probably will. icon_rolleyes.gif , if it gets a bigger issue.


    but am i the only one that thinks if our relationships are fulfilling,we have no reason to find some other fullfillment from porn?
    I guess we can be loving , caring and amazing couple , but the fact is then that sexually his missing something?
    unfortunately ,
    but sex isnt the most important part of the reliatonship i guess.[/quote]

    Fullfilling in what way?

    Are you talking about sexually fullfilling him? Or emotionally?

    Maybe the guy literally likes to jerk off, in which case there is nothing you can do about that.

    Relax, everyone is different, this isnt a big deal.
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 5:54 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    janu88 said


    Fullfilling in what way?

    Fulfilling in sexually i meant, sexually fullfilling him.

    .[/quote]



    I guess i´m just afraid of HOW moderate his porn watching actually is and is not.

    Moderation is a key... no?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 5:56 PM GMT
    You are EXTREMELY idealistic. I get the feeling that you believe your bf should spend every waking moment thinking only of you.

    In the real world, that's not gonna happen. Your bf is gonna see hot dudes around town, and they are gonna make him horny. Sometimes he's gonna want to watch some porn and get off by himself (instead of getting on cam and wanking with you). Sometimes, he may even fantasize about other men. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Give him some space or you will completely smother him. Your insecurities may stem from some abandonment issues maybe? Or maybe some lack of self worth or body issues? Regardless, you need to keep them in check. Like another poster said: You need to develop a thicker skin.
  • janu88

    Posts: 346

    Nov 20, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidYou are EXTREMELY idealistic. I get the feeling that you believe your bf should spend every waking moment thinking only of you.

    In the real world, that's not gonna happen. Your bf is gonna see hot dudes around town, and they are gonna make him horny. Sometimes he's gonna want to watch some porn and get off by himself (instead of getting on cam and wanking with you). Sometimes, he may even fantasize about other men. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Give him some space or you will completely smother him. Your insecurities may stem from some abandonment issues maybe? Or maybe some lack of self worth or body issues? Regardless, you need to keep them in check. Like another poster said: You need to develop a thicker skin.



    No i dont think that he should think every waking moment about me, and surely he will be attracted to other people ofcourse i havent denied that nor have issue with that.
    But that isnt the issue for me here , nor the core isnt the pornography.

    if my partner has been devoting portions of his mind to sexually gratifying images and then closing off those areas to me , that what shaked me i guess..
    why wouldnt he be open about them with me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 6:16 PM GMT
    janu88 said
    catfish5 saidYou are EXTREMELY idealistic. I get the feeling that you believe your bf should spend every waking moment thinking only of you.

    In the real world, that's not gonna happen. Your bf is gonna see hot dudes around town, and they are gonna make him horny. Sometimes he's gonna want to watch some porn and get off by himself (instead of getting on cam and wanking with you). Sometimes, he may even fantasize about other men. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Give him some space or you will completely smother him. Your insecurities may stem from some abandonment issues maybe? Or maybe some lack of self worth or body issues? Regardless, you need to keep them in check. Like another poster said: You need to develop a thicker skin.



    No i dont think that he should think every waking moment about me, and surely he will be attracted to other people ofcourse i havent denied that nor have issue with that.
    But that isnt the issue for me here , nor the core isnt the pornography.

    if my partner has been devoting portions of his mind to sexually gratifying images and then closing off those areas to me , that what shaked me i guess..
    why wouldnt he be open about them with me?


    Why dont you ask him? We are not going to have the answer to that question.

    To another point, why is it that you care so much about what gets your bf off that it has to be with you all the time?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 20, 2010 6:19 PM GMT
    Maybe he likes something you are not into. And he fulfills this need by watching porn. Maybe its something he doesn't want to share with you. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you share everything. Some people like to keep somethings to themselves or private. Don't let it bother you. Just enjoy the time and things you do share together.