I met someone and I think he is a great guy. He is almost everything I want in a guy. BUT.

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 20, 2010 7:50 PM GMT
    I posted a while ago about meeting this really really great guy. Guy's this is new for me and it is a bit scary too. We have been seeing each other for a month. We text each other almost everyday. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been really great. I have never dated a guy and I want to take my time and do it the right way. I guess I will catch most of you up to speed. I am bi and not out to but a couple of people. I recently met this really great guy and he is almost everything I want. He is handsome, very smart, loves sports and is a very good kisser. My issue with him is that he isn't as masculine as I would like. I mean when he talk I hear a man but every once in a while when he walks he starts to swish a little. He also gets the limp wrist every so often too. It doesn't bother me that much but I want to be able to introduce him to my friends and not be afraid I will get questions. He has been really supportive and understanding about me not being out and bi. We both have minor issues with each other but I know that we really care about each other and I can easily see myself being with him long term. Guys, have any of you been in this situation? Am I really being to picky or am I just being realistic. Has anyone else been in this type of situation? if so, what did you do?
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    Nov 20, 2010 8:10 PM GMT
    Isnt love the only thing that matters? No I havent been in this situation, but Ive seen some friends that have been in it. I think your looking at the small details too hard. He isnt that fit but you can catch him up to speed haha. Also, why care what your friends think of who you are dating? its none of there business to know or judge you. If you wanna show him to your friends just do it, if they get offended by it I guess you know who isnt your friend anymore.
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    Nov 20, 2010 8:15 PM GMT
    Oh Buddha. I hear a pest buzzing this way. icon_rolleyes.gif

    You're not completely out yet and you have this irrational fear that he's going to out you by his effeminate mannerisms? What if your cousin, a friend, a boss who are straight had the same mannerisms? Would you avoid being seen in public with them too?

    I think you're being "too picky". You've mentioned all the great qualities about him until you picked him apart for the qualities you had a problem with, problems that he can't help but be himself.

    Let it go and take him on for the long term. I think you found your man. icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 20, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    break up with him...try and see if you can find another guy LMFAO!
    You being a closet case is probably worse than being feminine.
    Everybody is not on the DL or ashamed of who they are.
    some guys are OUT and PROUD and the SHOW it.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 20, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
    iGotsuprise saidbreak up with him...try and see if you can find another guy LMFAO!
    You being a closet case is probably worse than being feminine.
    Everybody is not on the DL or ashamed of who they are.
    some guys are OUT and PROUD and the SHOW it.
    ha ha ha what a douche. anyhow, thanks for nothing. oh did i mention you are stupid
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 20, 2010 10:21 PM GMT
    bigeasydude saidOh Buddha. I hear a pest buzzing this way. icon_rolleyes.gif

    You're not completely out yet and you have this irrational fear that he's going to out you by his effeminate mannerisms? What if your cousin, a friend, a boss who are straight had the same mannerisms? Would you avoid being seen in public with them too?

    I think you're being "too picky". You've mentioned all the great qualities about him until you picked him apart for the qualities you had a problem with, problems that he can't help but be himself.

    Let it go and take him on for the long term. I think you found your man. icon_smile.gif
    big easy, i don't know how to answer your question on that buddy. however, you are right about the rest. i mean he does possess everything else i look for in a guy. we are not dating yet. we are more or less trying to figure things out at this point. he has a lot of issues as well alone with a lot of drama he is dealing with. however, this use to be a turn off for me and now it doesn't bother me as much.
    thanks big guy, i will have to see if i can follow your advice
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    Nov 20, 2010 10:32 PM GMT
    I have to agree with the other replies. What seems to bother you the most about the guy you're dating is how his 'feminine mannerisms' will reflect on you.

    It's time to look objectively at the man you're dating. What you dislike about him isn't hurting anyone, he's not being disrespectful to people, he's not being dishonest.
    If you can take him as he is, then continue to date him and good luck to you both.
    If you can't then BREAK UP WITH HIM NOW! Don't string him along while you deal with your own insecurity and issues.
    Don't try to change him. It's not fair to him and it's just not right.

    Good luck to you as you come out to people and also with your love life. You may think things in your life are scary, but they're also exciting.
    Now is a great time for some serious soul searching about Who. You. Are. as a person.
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    Nov 20, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    iGotsuprise saidbreak up with him...try and see if you can find another guy LMFAO!
    You being a closet case is probably worse than being feminine.
    Everybody is not on the DL or ashamed of who they are.
    some guys are OUT and PROUD and the SHOW it.
    ha ha ha what a douche. anyhow, thanks for nothing. oh did i mention you are stupid


    That's why I don't date my race (black)
    black men are mostly full of bullshit,
    inflated ego and a false sense of self worth.
    FUGLY Queens. and I'm not at all attracted to them in any other way.
    have a wonderful day!
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    Nov 21, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    You're afraid that his mannerisms will give YOU away?

    I don't think you're too picky, nor do I think you're being realistic. I think this is a simple case of "Shit, or get off the pot."

    You have found a wonderful man with whom you can see a future. How long will you continue this charade of hiding a meaningful relationship from your friends? How long do you think he will continue to understand that you are both loving and yet ashamed of what you see in him as something in yourself that you do not wish to reveal to others?

    Love may have come to you. It's a one in a million chance to find someone you can truly love. It's time to grow up. Will you become deserving of this gift, or will your shame ruin something that thousands of men only wish for?

    And no, it's not more complicated than that.

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    Nov 21, 2010 2:33 AM GMT
    I agree with everything Bryanc said.

    Otherwise, if you can't get over your own insecurities, I hope this guy runs for the hills. He deserves much better.
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    Nov 21, 2010 2:51 AM GMT

    Sounds like good potential friend material. If your'e concerned about introducing him to people in your life and running the risk of his mannerisms giving you away..then it's not a good match for a relationship..for now.
    As time progresses you will get more comfortable with the variety of guys out there and less concerned about others opinions..someone's mannerisms ( to some degree anyway ) won't matter as much.
    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:03 AM GMT
    This have everything to do with your insecurities with your sexuality and nothing to do with his femininity.

    He's being true to himself, maybe you should try the same.
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    Posiden saidThis have everything to do with your insecurities with your sexuality and nothing to do with his femininity.


    yea what he said. you wouldn't be the first guy either. you need to decide if you can get over yourself for the relationship.
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    iGotsuprise said
    tuffguyndc said
    iGotsuprise saidbreak up with him...try and see if you can find another guy LMFAO!
    You being a closet case is probably worse than being feminine.
    Everybody is not on the DL or ashamed of who they are.
    some guys are OUT and PROUD and the SHOW it.
    ha ha ha what a douche. anyhow, thanks for nothing. oh did i mention you are stupid


    That's why I don't date my race (black)
    black men are mostly full of bullshit,
    inflated ego and a false sense of self worth.
    FUGLY Queens. and I'm not at all attracted to them in any other way.
    have a wonderful day!


    I can't officially agree with the above because I'm white ( icon_rolleyes.gif ) BUT he said one thing that is very true:

    iGotsuprise saidYou being a closet case is probably worse than being feminine.


    This guy is apparently willing to put up with your bullshit, and if he's willing to take that he must really like you. Regardless of the choice of words being a little douchy, it is right - go try find another one and see how that goes.
  • muscularman

    Posts: 13

    Nov 21, 2010 3:35 AM GMT
    Hey if you really like this dude you should get over it.All gay men can get a lil queeny sometime esp when we drink lol So I give your friend 2 snaps up!lol
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Nov 21, 2010 3:35 AM GMT
    perfection may end with you sleepin alone....just sayin...BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:40 AM GMT
    Remember, it doesn't matter if he is masculine or feminine, as long as you are in the closet with your bisexuality, a relationship with someone of the same sex is always going to be more difficult.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Nov 21, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    I'm the old guy in the room, so I get to give the sage advice.

    Nobody is ever going to find the perfect person to love. Do you think Romeo loved absolutely everything about Julliette? I bet he got a big pain in his neck looking up at her on the balcony all the time! I bet she didn't smell so great either, back then.

    If you have found love, hang on to it for as long as you can. Nurture it, because it is fickle and fleeting. You have to negotiate a path around the imperfections that you see in each other, by talking about them honestly and working out how you will handle things like the bring-your-spouse office Christmas party etc. I don't like a limp-wristed guy, but if he loved me, and I loved him, I'd sure as hell find a way to make it work.
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBLwNO-cOHI
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    wow. being in the closet really, really, really, sets limits on your ability to find happiness, doesn't it? and now that you think you've found it, you want to throw it away because you are worried about what other people may think of you.

    okay. good luck with that. i think this guy you've met deserves a man that he can be happy with, since you've made it apparent that you are willing to be that man. that's too bad. you would have liked yourself so much better.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 24, 2010 12:15 PM GMT
    actually guys, i am quite comfortable with myself and sexuality. yes he is a great guy to put up with me being the closet and love that about him. i appreciate all of the comments some good some not so good. i will take most of what i have read and think about it. i truly believe that there is no perfect person and i willing to give up some things but masculinity and a good kisser is at the top of things i look for in a guy. if i wanted a woman i would be with one.
    my issue of his femininity isn't solely about him outing me or what my friends will think. to me its about am i settling or am i being too picky
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Nov 24, 2010 12:26 PM GMT
    Your dilemma reminds me of this sage advice.

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    Nov 24, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    I understand your predicament, but unfortunately it is him that I feel for.

    Here is this great person, who seems happy with their lot, and does all the manly things that a man should do but lets his true colours slip every once in a while. This is what every man should be, not 'flaming' and advertising his sexuality from the roof tops, but letting the right people know in a subtle way while still retaining his masculinity.

    You say he's not perfect, I think you are looking at it the wrong way. He is making sacrifices, not you........

    I'm afraid you have two choices:

    See what happens and let people talk behind your back (could be the best thing to happen to you).

    Or let this guy move on, and resign yourself to the fact that your circumstances and protecting your true colours will always have to come at the expense of your love life.

    It saddens me to hear these stories, as people who can't come out for whatever reason, are sacrificing so much happiness in their lives, for what?, to keep others happy, others who when they leave your company, don't give you a second thought and get on with their own lives.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Nov 24, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Thisuserexists said[/cite]I understand your predicament, but unfortunately it is him that I feel for.

    Here is this great person, who seems happy with their lot, and does all the manly things that a man should do but lets his true colours slip every once in a while. This is what every man should be, not 'flaming' and advertising his sexuality from the roof tops, but letting the right people know in a subtle way while still retaining his masculinity.

    You say he's not perfect, I think you are looking at it the wrong way. He is making sacrifices, not you........
    again, i do not care so much about what others will think. i want a guy who acts like a guy not a guy who acts like a girl. again, if i wanted a woman i would date one. i just prefer to have someone who was not quite so obviously gay. i am not perfect either and i have my faults. the fact of the matter is he is a wonderful guy but he is still not masculine and that is what i want from a guy
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    Nov 24, 2010 1:13 PM GMT
    Then clearly he isn't for you and its best for the both of you to part ways.