Breaking Up a Long Term Relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 12:08 PM GMT
    My partner and I have been together 11 years. The last couple years have been really touch and go with both of us admitting that we're not all that compatible. Well, two weeks ago, he got up the nerve to call it quits.

    We broke up amicably, but as I prepare to move out of our home we bought, into an apartment, the drama is starting up. Who gets what, Who's paying for what, etc.

    And then there are the so-called friends taking sides and digging up things, stirring the pot, making disparaging remarks to both of us privately during an already difficult situation.

    Strangely at 46, this is more first long term relationship, and I just don't know how to cope at times with all this crap! What do I do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 12:11 PM GMT
    The hardest one is always "who gets the friends?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 1:21 PM GMT
    Telejock said... And then there are the so-called friends taking sides and digging up things, stirring the pot, making disparaging remarks to both of us privately during an already difficult situation.

    UpperCanadian saidThe hardest one is always "who gets the friends?"
    Sounds pretty self-explanatory this time. The "friends" are part of the problem.
    And quite frankly, it sounds to me - from this limited piece of info - that the "friends" may have been the underlying cause, or at least a major contributing factor, of the relationship problems to begin with.

    To the OP: *hugs*
    That's really all I know to say...never been in a LTR that long.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 21, 2010 1:30 PM GMT
    Well let me say first, I'm very sorry you are going through this..... as I read your post, you and I are much alike.. you are a little older than I, both in first long term relationships (mine is 12 years)... but I'm not breaking up with my partner so I can only give you some basic advice, imagining if I were in your shoes.

    I think the success to a good breakup is whats important to a good relationship
    (sounds kind of odd) and that involves good communication. You need to sit down and outline the important points.. including the items you both want the most.
    I think to start with an open mind, reason, flexibility and willingness to make concessions is important. Neither of you will get what you really want from a breakup.

    Also agree to talk.. and screw the friends, that can only "poison the well" so to speak. Feel free to chat me up anytime... again vey sorry you are going through this.....
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 21, 2010 1:58 PM GMT
    One other important thing about friends and family. You never mentioned the scene with your family, but you do need to develop (if you don't have one already) a support system that is yours.... friends that are your friends, people you know and support you. Those who are good friends, but may not have known your partner
    (I don't mean those who disliked your partner). Cultivate healthy relationships and strive to do new things that you've always wanted to do (giving time and help to non profit entities, etc) and map out new long term personal goals. All will give you a sense of "moving forward" in a meaningful and healthy way.

    Finally, don't get into the "this was a waste of 11 years kind of mentality". It wasn't a waste.. not at all. I'm sure you are a richer man because of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 4:42 PM GMT
    I'm just leaving a 26 year marriage to my best friend and a wonderful wife and mother of our two sons so I know of what you speak. First advice, join ranks with your BF and agree to do this as you started out - as friends. Secondly agree to say FUCK OFF to the meddlers, unite as one and you will both get thru this. As far as dividing the stuff, it is only stuff. Try to be fair and split down the middle as much as possible but remember to give and take, don't set it in granite.

    If you can sit down and rekindle the love in a different tone, then this will happen in a loving and friendly way and you will always have a friend.............My spirit is with you both....................Keithicon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 21, 2010 11:26 PM GMT
    Thanks guys so much for the advice! Keep it coming! I did forget to mention my family.. THEY"RE GREAT! I have to best family in the world and they are smothering me with love and support although they live far away. I will get through this, no matter what.