Being the Cheat-ee

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 3:57 PM GMT
    Adequating- I'm having a huge problem with this. I don't, maybe feel that I am.

    Since I left my ex after finding out that he was cheating with probably hundreds of men from various websites, I'm having the problem with understanding why?

    After three years we still had sex at least maybe three times a day, it's the greatest sex I've ever had.

    I've had sex with two people since then, but it just doesn't feel the same. I miss that emotional connection.

    I've been seeing a therapist and now on medications. WTF?

    How do I get out of this funk?

    suggestions please.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:06 PM GMT
    If you haven't already, I suggest taking up these statements with your therapist.

    "Since I left my ex after finding out that he was cheating with probably hundreds of men from various websites, I'm having the problem with understanding why?

    After three years we still had sex at least maybe three times a day, it's the greatest sex I've ever had.

    I've had sex with two people since then, but it just doesn't feel the same. I miss that emotional connection.

    The emotional connection you refer to is how you felt before you knew about the cheating?


    intrigued -Doug
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Nov 21, 2010 4:10 PM GMT
    pls get tested. icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:11 PM GMT
    How was he 'cheating with hundreds of men on websites'? Was he actually hooking up or fulfilling fantasies? If it is the latter, isn't that like catching your boyfriend watching porn? wtf?.......................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:11 PM GMT
    hauptstimme said
    After three years we still had sex at least maybe three times a day, it's the greatest sex I've ever had.


    icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:24 PM GMT
    He was having sex with you 3 times a day AND having sex with hundreds of other guys? That man is a machine!
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:26 PM GMT
    CRAP

    As for the "why", you probably need to ask your Ex. Maybe he was unfulfilled, had fantasies he couldn't or wouldn't bring up with you? Maybe he's a sex-addict? Maybe he loves the chase and the 'kill' to much? My partner told me early in our relationship, that he'd initiate sex more often, if I didn't say yes all the time..icon_rolleyes.gif

    As for getting out of the funk: Give it some time and do stuff you love. Maybe volunteer somewhere. Getting tested for STDs is a very good idea as well.
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:29 PM GMT
    meninlove said If you haven't already, I suggest taking up these statements with your therapist.

    "Since I left my ex after finding out that he was cheating with probably hundreds of men from various websites, I'm having the problem with understanding why?

    After three years we still had sex at least maybe three times a day, it's the greatest sex I've ever had.

    I've had sex with two people since then, but it just doesn't feel the same. I miss that emotional connection.

    The emotional connection you refer to is how you felt before you knew about the cheating?


    intrigued -Doug


    -I've been tested twice since. I spoke to two of the men he had sex with; they did use condoms. He was actually having sex with half of these men in his work office during his shift. (It was heart wrenching to hear the detail of their sex affairs)

    I found out May, 4 2010. I left the area and him May, 5 2010.

    I still have very graphic conversations and setup meetings in my archives of him doing this over a 16th month period until I left.

    His explanation was, "What's done is done." "I never knew about these websites until you told me, You have something to hide."

    -My gas mileage was checked everyday, I was scorned, beaten because I wasn't home from work at the right time.

    -I'm still battling this.

    -I don't know what to next.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    Well, you are a well educated man, and apparently versed in pyschodynamics so you should be familiar with ego and superego, both of which are your downfall and the downfall of most. Your pride has been severely attacked and crushed. That is primary, his cheating is only a secondary matter. If you learn to lessen the impact of his actions and look at this as a huge learning experience for your path in life, you will be able to turn this incident from bad to good. IM me if you want further info. Meanwhile google 'Dance of the Wounded Soul' by Robert Burney and get the book....................................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:38 PM GMT

    With this quote in mind,

    "-My gas mileage was checked everyday, I was scorned, beaten because I wasn't home from work at the right time.

    -I'm still battling this. "

    Let's go back and look at this quote,

    "I've had sex with two people since then, but it just doesn't feel the same. I miss that emotional connection."

    So, with the first quote about mileage and being beaten in mind, let's apply it to the second quote, emotion connection you say you miss, because therein lies a contradiction that I think troubles you.

    -Doug
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    hauptstimme said

    I found out May, 4 2010. I left the area and him May, 5 2010.

    I still have very graphic conversations and setup meetings in my archives of him doing this over a 16th month period until I left.

    His explanation was, "What's done is done." "I never knew about these websites until you told me, You have something to hide."

    -My gas mileage was checked everyday, I was scorned, beaten because I wasn't home from work at the right time.

    -I'm still battling this.

    -I don't know what to next.


    This does not sound like a healthy relationship and he comes over like an abuser. So you are well off being out of that relationship.
    As for his paranoia of you cheating on him, exhibited in his controlling behavior, he was just projecting his cheating ways onto you.
    As for why YOU stayed in this abusive relationship for 3 years, you need to figure this one out with your therapist, so you don't repeat this pattern with future boyfriends.
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    Nov 21, 2010 4:59 PM GMT
    vetteset saidWell, you are a well educated man, and apparently versed in pyschodynamics so you should be familiar with ego and superego, both of which are your downfall and the downfall of most. Your pride has been severely attacked and crushed. That is primary, his cheating is only a secondary matter. If you learn to lessen the impact of his actions and look at this as a huge learning experience for your path in life, you will be able to turn this incident from bad to good. IM me if you want further info. Meanwhile google 'Dance of the Wounded Soul' by Robert Burney and get the book....................................Keithicon_cool.gif

    Oh right! ... icon_rolleyes.gif .... this dude couldnt figure himself out for 59 years while he stayed in the closet, yet he's gonna give you advice. .... Just the person I would take advice from .... NOT .... icon_wink.gif
  • joncfernan

    Posts: 216

    Nov 21, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    Love how this crowd invloves psychodynamics to help out here. Nothing helps clear my mind of emotional wrecks more than hearing others pyschological findings about what they went through. You guys are great! icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 21, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    For what all wisdom I have so far, I can say your self esteem has taken a hit as a result of him having sex with so many others guys. I hope you can work out things with your therapist. Also join some activities that you always wanted but never did, something that you thought you will never do. That always gets me through tough times.
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    Nov 21, 2010 5:47 PM GMT
    What hit me was that you are on medication and seeing a therapist.. Nothing ...food, sex, sleep is the same on psycho meds...trust me i've been there.

    After you are done with all that....go on a gay trip..Atlantis, etc and fuck your brains out
  • Kinneticbrian

    Posts: 230

    Nov 21, 2010 6:55 PM GMT
    OK, I have been in this situation and actually was with my most recent ex. I have only had two long term relationships in my life and the last one ended very sadly.

    Let me assure you as someone who has done battle with this with a therapist (I refused the Xanax) that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and that the cheating was not about you being inadequate or flawed. Cheating is 100 percent of the time due to the inadequacy, immaturity or selfishness of the one who does it or a combination of those things. It can never be justified or condoned, but the key to getting through this is understanding the cheater and that can be very hard to do and in my case was heartbreaking.

    That you feel bad is actually a good thing. That hurt you feel inside, that longing for him clearly says you are a genuine, sincere and loving person with your heart in exactly the right place, even if it hurts right now. That you believe in monogamy and proved you can be a faithful and loyal partner speaks volumes about your character. You have proven you can do what a lot of people will not. That's an achievement by any measure.

    I will relate the story here of what happened with my former partner and what I came to realize through my therapy. Hopefully the pain I have suffered helps someone other than me. My pain has made me a better, stronger man and you will be too if you choose to be. I know it may seem hopeless but it isn't.

    I met my former partner in February of 2006. You meet thousands of people in a lifetime, but then one day you meet one who changes your life forever. He was that man for me and I thought that I finally had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my tomorrows with. I fell very much in love with him.

    I noticed after about 4 months together that he was spending a lot of time online and that he was taking a lot of phone calls outside. I'm not a suspicious person by nature so I just dismissed it as him needing some space and I respected that. Two weeks later I received a very long e-mail from a guy from my partner's home town apologizing to me for having caused my partner to cheat on me. My partner had made a trip home and this guy detailed that they had sex every day that my partner was there. Shocked and upset, I called my partner at work and asked him why I had this e-mail in front of me. He denied it all and even offered to leave work to come home and be with me.

    By the time the first anniversary came around, that incident was a distant memory. My partner never seemed happy though and had withdrawn emotionally. I tried for the next almost two years to help him with his down moods. He had told me very early on in the relationship that he had been sexually molested on an ongoing basis for over 5 years by his overweight female cousin. I always kept this in mind and tried to be very sensitive and understanding when it came to sex. In talking to his mother, I found out that he had been molested by his step mother for more than 6 years before he told anybody.

    June of 2008, my partner of 2 plus years walks into our bedroom and tells me "I don't love you anymore" and he packs a bag and walks out. I found out he had been dating a guy who worked at his mall for 2 months behind my back. I was devastated to say the least. By August of 2008, my partner decided he wanted to come back and I gave him another chance. He then dumped me again for a guy he met online in January of 2009. I let him continue to live with me as long as he needed to because I refused to let him be homeless. December of last year he sat down in a chair in my living room and confessed that he had been unfaithful for the entirety of our relationship and had hooked up with countless men from the web.

    This really devastated me again, but not from the standpoint of being cheated on as much as how I saw him hurting as he told me this. He wasn't crying much, but his face was so twisted in torment and grief that it actually scared me. In talking to my therapist, I knew the only way I could cope with the lie that almost three years of my life had been was to understand him and what could possibly make him do this.

    Excessive cheating like this is never about pleasure, but according to my therapist (who knows all of the details) in this case was an extreme form of self-abuse. My former partner actually views sex as something filthy. My therapist said that if he survived the self-abuse stage and did not complete suicide (He tried 3 times) that he would wall himself off and likely become totally asexual which he has. My therapist also said that given the extent of the abuse and who did it to him that he would likely never have a normal sex life or comfort level with sex that would allow him to be open and healthy as a partner.

    I loved him enough that I would have given up sex to spend the rest of my life with him in spite of the cheating. The deep agony that I was caused by him and all of this has made me understand just how massive and powerful love is. It's also made me sensitive to others and encouraged me to reach out and let you know you will be OK. It's a choice to either let something like this tear you down, or to hit it head on and defeat it, thereby making you stronger.

    I have determined that I deserve a man in my life who will love me and let me love him back. I am a quality guy and deserve nothing less than the same. So do you. Start healing with the words "I deserve better and I will not settle for less".
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    Nov 22, 2010 10:55 AM GMT


    It took me some time to get straightened out after my ex, be easy and patient with yourself. There are some great books out there, "the betrayal bond" and "don't call it love". Both deal with sexual compulsion. For most people, unless you've had someone you fell in love with lie to your face, repeatedly betraying you, while portraying themselves as the most loving boyfriend around, YOU CAN'T RELATE. It happens before you know it and you are left picking up the pieces of your life.

    What has been explained to me is that you have to give up asking yourself why? To truly know the answer would mean you would have to be able to relate and you don't want that. HE JUST IS and you will never understand it, something against human nature to accept. I would say that you are most likely suffering from a post traumatic stress response. I did a form of therapy called EMDR and had excellent results, what we had been talking about for months was resolved within 15 minutes. I started Yoga and training for a triathalon. Stop talking about him in terms of "the love of my life" of as having "the greatest sex". Keeping him elevated on some pedestal is not going to help get him off you mind. You also need to realize that there probably wasn't an emotional connection between the 2 of you, it was "something else". That was hard for me to accept, but I understand now. Love does not hurt. You've been through a lot, be easy and patient with yourself most of all.

    For me, when I stopped to wonder what this was all for, I would remember this line from a reading of mine....."So at the times when the lesson is not clear we should ponder and reflect on what it is that we have been through until such a time when we can see the big picture and the lesson reveals itself in its entirety". For me, moving on wasn't about "just getting over it". It was about me finding the lesson. With a lot of hard work and patience.....I did. Today, I give gratitude for the struggles that have brought me growth, maturity and resilience. I wish you the best on your journey!!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 22, 2010 12:48 PM GMT
    I'm going to be speaking to the point...


    1.) Forget asking to how many people he had sex with...Its useless information that serves no purpose

    2.) Talk it out with your Therapist

    3.) DUMP HIS ASS if you haven't already.

    4.) Recovering from his heinous acts will take time. But I can assure you that the world does not revolve around his conquests.

    5.) Men are horny fucks and will fuck anything human (lets not get into fetish at this time)

    6.)You're a smart fellow who prides his individuality. Why lose it over him.

    8.) Focus on your work/studies

    9.) Hang out with friends

    10.) Life is a mix of sweet and sour....Too much of the other is very bad so but you can cope with it. So as long as it ain't bitter all the time....



    I have the Heartbreak Hotel on speed dial...You want their number...icon_lol.gif
  • RupCadell

    Posts: 17

    Nov 24, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    I've been through this, too. You're getting lots of great advice, already!


    kevinap said

    1. Be easy and patient with yourself. There are some great books out there, "the betrayal bond" and "don't call it love". Both deal with sexual compulsion.

    2. What has been explained to me is that you have to give up asking yourself why? HE JUST IS and you will never understand it

    3. Stop talking about him in terms of "the love of my life" of as having "the greatest sex". Keeping him elevated on some pedestal is not going to help get him off you mind. [given how he treated you, he wasn't great. any person deserves better.]

    4. Love does not hurt. You've been through a lot, be easy and patient with yourself most of all.

    5. It was about me finding the lesson. With a lot of hard work and patience.....I did. Today, I give gratitude for the struggles that have brought me growth, maturity and resilience. I wish you the best on your journey!!!




    OP: I went through something very similar: he cheated on me with dozens of people over years (even in public restrooms while we were at the mall), lied about it, then one day came the shock. I tried to forgive him, then cut him off when he cheated again. Next? Years of therapy for me!

    But Kevinap gives some great advice: find the lesson! Why did you get into, and stay in, a situation that was so harmful to you? Once you figure these things out, your life can be fantastically better: you can now form positive relationships that are happy and healthy.

    Recovery will take time, be patient.

    Stay in therapy and work this stuff out.

    Read the Patrick Carnes books that Kevinap suggests.

    When you're ready, date again.

    After a few years of embracing my recovery, I'm still often shocked to see how things have gone from terrible to wonderful:

    My first, disastrous/traumatic relationship forced me to learn better dating skills; now I have a great guy – and even if this new relationship were to go wrong, I can take care of myself, so that I don't stay with someone who treats me poorly (like before).

    You'll be fine – just nurture yourself mentally and emotionally. If you embrace your recovery, you'll soon be in better shape than you've ever been.
  • RupCadell

    Posts: 17

    Nov 24, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    More great advice (worth repeating)!


    Fivealive said

    1.) Forget asking to how many people he had sex with...Its useless information that serves no purpose

    2.) Talk it out with your Therapist

    3.) DUMP HIS ASS if you haven't already.

    4.) Recovering from his heinous acts will take time. But I can assure you that the world does not revolve around his conquests.

    5.) Men are horny fucks and will fuck anything human (lets not get into fetish at this time)

    6.)You're a smart fellow who prides his individuality. Why lose it over him.

    8.) Focus on your work/studies

    9.) Hang out with friends

    10.) Life is a mix of sweet and sour....Too much of the other is very bad so but you can cope with it. So as long as it ain't bitter all the time....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 24, 2010 5:56 PM GMT
    love is crazy
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    Nov 25, 2010 8:31 AM GMT
    Rupcadell,

    Thanks for the validation. My heart goes out to anyone that has been involved with someone that has carelessly abused the heart of another. It's truly the worst moral crime that there is.

    I was fortunate enough to stumble across a mentor that helped me through the process of healing, and in turn, changed my life.

    I can only pass on what I've learned. Message me if you need any information to help you through this time...
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    Nov 25, 2010 8:45 AM GMT
    Lakeview Brian....wow...my heart goes out to you...I hope i never have to go through that kind of heart break...although I thought I met the man of my dreams...it just doesnt pan out the way you always think unfortunately....very touching story
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 25, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    I'm having trouble getting past - Adequating
    That mean something?

    But seriously
    if you've been blindsided by being cheated on by someone you supposedly trust
    You have been emotionally violated
    and it's a trust issue that can haunt future relationships
    Not only do you have to deal with the violation but you have to deal with the usual end of relationship issues as well
    Seeing a therapist
    meds if needed are a good thing but you're going to have to do more
    Yeah you need to look at these issues and find out why you chose someone like him in the first place but be careful you're not wallowing in the self-pity party way
    Forget men for awhile
    stop the comparisons ... you need to get this behind you
    indulge yourself in the things you enjoy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2010 3:45 PM GMT
    LakeviewBrian & kevinap...AWESOME.
    THANKS for sharing.