Love vs. Career

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    Nov 21, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
    Hey guys, I was wondering if you have found yourself in the position where you had to choose between love and a career?

    I recently ended a relationship that I kind of just fell into a couple months ago. We started dating shortly after I moved back home a few months ago when I finished my undergrad. I had intended to have a few months to myself to chill out before jumping into the work world. I was completely open with him about my situation during our first date. Even so, we really hit it off that first night even though I told him that I would probably be leaving in a few months. After that first night, we saw each other nearly everyday.

    A few days ago we were wrestling in bed and I found myself having to fight the urge to tell him how much I love him. Later that night I began debating whether I should turn down a great government job offer that I received just a week before so that I could stay here and be with him; after all, its love for Christ’s sake! Yesterday I blurted out that I couldn’t see him anymore because I was leaving. I told him that I was offered the job that I always wanted but he was persuading me to turn it down. I’m only 23 and I can’t see myself sacrificing my goals just based on my feelings in the moment.

    Have any of you fellas been a similar dilemma? How did you reach a decision?
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    Nov 21, 2010 10:19 PM GMT
    Love won't pay the bills.
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    Nov 21, 2010 10:31 PM GMT
    Get that job you love !!!! If you guys relationship is that important then he may follow you, but don't give up a career you love, because your going to be spending at least 40 hours a week doing working at something, so it should be what you love. DON'T LOSE THAT JOB !!!! The relationship could fall apart in a few months and you'd have a right to kick yourself for life. LOL !!!
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    Nov 21, 2010 10:39 PM GMT
    Was in this very situation 20 years ago, but the roles were reversed. He got his dream job: a modeling career. Begged me to go with him to Europe, but I said no. At the time, transcontinental flight and my own selfishness told me not to continue it. Today, he is happy with his husband now living in Canada. Will I have been single for most of the past 17 years, I don't regret that decision and neither should you. My only question is: Did you ask him to consider coming with you (despite how young the relationship is)?
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    Nov 21, 2010 10:53 PM GMT
    ErikTaurean saidWas in this very situation 20 years ago, but the roles were reversed... My only question is: Did you ask him to consider coming with you (despite how young the relationship is)?


    Thats a good question... He offered to come without any prompting. I just think that it may be too early in the relationship to ask him to up root himself and just come along for the ride. I mean, after all, I'd be moving to another continent too!
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    Nov 21, 2010 11:21 PM GMT
    Just make sure that it won't be regretful. That is sometimes left out of decision making: the would have, should have, could have thing. If you are ok with it, then that is all that matters at the end of the day. He will understand in time as mine did.
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    Nov 21, 2010 11:31 PM GMT
    Take the job. If you had invested a considerable amount of time in this relationship, my answer would be different, but it's only been a couple months.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 21, 2010 11:36 PM GMT
    I am agree with Paul. Love comes and goes. I choose careers
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    Nov 22, 2010 12:30 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidLove won't pay the bills.


    For $50 I'll love you for a little while.
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    Nov 22, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    So when do you leave?

    From how this reads, you guys have been going out for a couple of months and this job appeared last week.

    So far, you've been hurting and worrying about whether to go or stay.

    He's offered to go.

    You two could simply open your hearts up completely to each other and say those three old words, make some emotional commitments, and then you go first. See how it is over there. Suppose you don't like the job after all? Then you'll be back.

    You might love it and as your bond with each other deepens, solidify plans for him to join you. Love is rarely a tidy little room. It's full of adventure, longing, journeys ending in lovers meeting that a thousand thousand stories have written about. I'm not bringing up negative stuff here (in case some are wondering) because this is all good.

    -Doug
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    Nov 22, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    You guys should both do what you want..

    You wanna go and he wants to go....

    Dont let insecurities get in the way there... if either of you made a mistake, you can always do something else.. life is there to take risks mate icon_smile.gif
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Nov 22, 2010 1:59 AM GMT
    If you're willing to try long distance (if bringing him with you isn't the option you want to go with), it helps to look at it (the distance) as a temporary condition. You don't know what either of your careers will bring, and they may eventually allow you to live together again.

    Basically, keep him AND the job. Works for me, but I know it's not for everybody.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Nov 22, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    Not sure why you have to sacrifice one for the other. But personally, I'd go for love any day...if you're good at what you do, you can always find a job and a career you love so paying the bills shouldn't be an issue. But love, true love, is much more rare.

    If you're looking for a career in the govt, you probably aren't much of a risk-taker by nature. But life's great moments and decisions are when you're willing to take a risk and go for it.
  • MuscleComeBac...

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    Nov 22, 2010 3:01 AM GMT
    meninlove said So when do you leave?

    From how this reads, you guys have been going out for a couple of months and this job appeared last week.

    So far, you've been hurting and worrying about whether to go or stay.

    He's offered to go.

    You two could simply open your hearts up completely to each other and say those three old words, make some emotional commitments, and then you go first. See how it is over there. Suppose you don't like the job after all? Then you'll be back.

    You might love it and as your bond with each other deepens, solidify plans for him to join you. Love is rarely a tidy little room. It's full of adventure, longing, journeys ending in lovers meeting that a thousand thousand stories have written about. I'm not bringing up negative stuff here (in case some are wondering) because this is all good.

    -Doug


    WISDOM!!!! SUCH Wisdom! Listen closely. And...
    Ironman4U saidNot sure why you have to sacrifice one for the other. But personally, I'd go for love any day...if you're good at what you do, you can always find a job and a career you love so paying the bills shouldn't be an issue. But love, true love, is much more rare.


    Hard earned, tough learned truth here, brother. Pay close attention.
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    Nov 22, 2010 7:06 AM GMT
    RUMEL saidI am agree with Paul. Love comes and goes. I choose careers

    I am not somebody who falls in love very easily. I think once in my life to this point.

    I suppose if you are somebody for whom a tube of toothpaste usually outlasts your latest "love" I would take the job. If this is the first or second time that you have felt like this I would turn Rumel's advice on its head. Jobs come, and jobs go. Statistics are that you will have what, 5 or 7 careers (not just jobs) in your life?

    Go with love (this coming from a cynical pessimist.)

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    Nov 22, 2010 7:16 AM GMT
    My ex and I dated for 5 months before he was offered a job two provinces away. He's not out, and I was sacrificing a lot to keep the relationship going behind closed doors out of the love I had for him. When he took the position and found out he was moving he begged me to go with, but a couple months before I'd been offered a new position with a lot of potential.
    I chose to stay put, he chose to go, and I chose to officially break it off. We still talk everyday, still tell each other we love each other, etc. even though we're both supposed to be accepting of the fact that that we're no longer together and up for grabs.
    He's already slept with someone since he moved, but says he thinks of me and can't wait to see me when he comes home for the holidays. I've been dating but have had zero intimacy with anyone yet. Moral of this story? I would have gone with him if I'd not been offered the job I had been offered, despite the fact that I would have still had to put up with a closeted relationship (I'm tellin ya, I fricken love this man).
    It's all relative. You'll know in your gut what to do. And if you end up making the "wrong" decision, it's not the end of the world. Everything happens for a reason; don't ever regret doing something because at one point in your life, it's exactly what you wanted.
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    Nov 22, 2010 7:23 AM GMT
    This situation happened to me this summer. I got a great job offer, but it was across the country and my bf hadn't finished college yet. We had been together for almost 2 years and I couldn't see us splitting up. I made the decision based on what made me happy. I told myself, what's the point of working if I couldn't have this amazing person to share my life with? I turned the offer down and bit the bullet, looking for jobs around where we live. After almost 5 months I finally found a job that was just as good as the original, plus I get to stay with my boyfriend.

    I know how you feel now, everyone told me that I would not get the opportunity again to have such a great job, but I knew it would make me terribly unhappy to leave my bf. Looking for another job really sucked and I slowly began to regret my decision, but now I feel like my life is finally on track and I don't regret a thing.

    It really depends on what your perspective on life is. I'm trying to live as happy as I can now, not in the future, and if I have to take some risks to make sure I am, I will take them. If you aren't making yourself happy now, when will you start?
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    Nov 22, 2010 8:23 AM GMT
    My SO and I are in a long distance relationship and we seem to make it work. He works full time (80+ hours) and I'm in med school. We just visit each other as much as possible (he came to visit this weekend).

    I NEVER thought I could do the long distance thing (never could in the past)...maybe something just seems differnt

    regardless...give it a try and see if it works.

    best of luck bro
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    Nov 22, 2010 8:41 AM GMT
    Ultimately the decision's yours; if this is something that you've always wanted then you should have the right to go for it. You haven't known each other that long and it seems like your instincts to choose the job over love was clear to you.

    Personally, I wouuldn't know what to do. It would depend on a lot of factos such as how much in love with the guy I was, how far I would have to travel and what sort of future the career would have. I'm all for romanticizing the idea of love and idealizing every aspect of it, however pessimistically thinking, a relationship is never guaranteed no matter how many years you spend with a partner.
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    Nov 22, 2010 12:41 PM GMT
    meninlove said So when do you leave?

    From how this reads, you guys have been going out for a couple of months and this job appeared last week.

    So far, you've been hurting and worrying about whether to go or stay.

    He's offered to go.

    You two could simply open your hearts up completely to each other and say those three old words, make some emotional commitments, and then you go first. See how it is over there. Suppose you don't like the job after all? Then you'll be back.

    You might love it and as your bond with each other deepens, solidify plans for him to join you. Love is rarely a tidy little room. It's full of adventure, longing, journeys ending in lovers meeting that a thousand thousand stories have written about. I'm not bringing up negative stuff here (in case some are wondering) because this is all good.

    -Doug



    Thanks for this Doug. I really appreciate your wisdom and insight. The job that I was offered would place me in a different country for a year or two. I wouldn't be there forever. However, I'll be leaving Charlotte in a few weeks to begin training. Even though he has offered to go I don't think I am going to ask him to because he isn't the type that will learn a new language. So from a practical stand point it probably wouldn't work out for him.

    Heartrobb Take the job. If you had invested a considerable amount of time in this relationship, my answer would be different, but it's only been a couple months.


    I'm leaning more towards taking the job right now because I don't want to turn it down and discover that my situation is nothing like hazardous's. I mean, you guys had been dating for 2 years... me and my boy, 2 months.


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    Nov 22, 2010 12:55 PM GMT
    MascIndianTrail said you guys had been dating for 2 years... me and my boy, 2 months.

    Two months? Take the job.

    It takes about six months to tell the difference between loving him and just being in love with how he is in bed.
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    Nov 22, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    Not to sound mean but....Love don't cost a thing....BUT....Living in a 'Material World', they cost some serious $$$....So take the job... If he loves you THAT much...He will let you go....

    Yes it'll be hard for him but TRUST ME....You need a job now....Especially in this economy!
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    Nov 22, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    Go with your heart.

    Just kidding. Lets be practical here, it depends highly on the job.
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    Nov 22, 2010 8:29 PM GMT
    west77 said
    RUMEL saidI am agree with Paul. Love comes and goes. I choose careers

    I am not somebody who falls in love very easily. I think once in my life to this point.

    I suppose if you are somebody for whom a tube of toothpaste usually outlasts your latest "love" I would take the job. If this is the first or second time that you have felt like this I would turn Rumel's advice on its head. Jobs come, and jobs go. Statistics are that you will have what, 5 or 7 careers (not just jobs) in your life?

    Go with love (this coming from a cynical pessimist.)

    Also be aware that financial hardships ruin relationships faster than anything else.
    You can choose love over a job and "think" everything is fine; but after a few months of not being able to find other work, your new "love" is going to get quite displeased and start accusing you of being too lazy to work. Then that love will be gone, AND you won't have a job.

    In this economy, love comes in 2nd...especially if the job offer you turned down was something you really wanted to do (ie. career), and not just a bill-paying income.
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    Nov 22, 2010 8:50 PM GMT
    Are you sure you can't have both?
    You're 23,you can find any job you want anywhere you want. If you want to stay where you are, cant you just find a job there?

    However, I had the same kind of situation that hapenned to me. Met someone. we both had a big crush on each other but I was leaving for a semester in Europe. It never crossed my mind to skip my exchange but we did arrange to meet and travel for 3 weeks there (paris + spain + portugal). So even though it was fun, he was a total douche and Im glad I just followed on what I was supposed to be doing.