I'm 22 and he's 35...dating but he doesnt want to pursue a relationship anymore

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    Nov 22, 2010 10:58 PM GMT
    So Im 22 and the guy I've been dating is 35. It was pretty much love at first sight for the both of us when we met in P'town this past summer. We've been dating for about 3 months. I live in Massachusetts and he lives in Philadelphia. He just told me last night that even thought he likes me and thinks I'm special, and still wants to be in my life, he thinks we're just in different places in our lives. I am in college applying to grad schools to become a Physicians Assistant and he has an MBA and works full time.
    I honestly think he told me he doesnt want to continue our relationship because I think he thinks Im going to hurt him, seeing as how I am very young and have only been out in the gay life for about a year.
    I really dont think he have us a chance at all. I think he just thought of the negative things that could happen in the future.
    Should I fight for him? Should I keep trying with him? I really do care for him a lot and I think we could really work.
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    Nov 22, 2010 11:35 PM GMT
    Youngin06 saidSo Im 22 and the guy I've been dating is 35. It was pretty much love at first sight for the both of us when we met in P'town this past summer. We've been dating for about 3 months. I live in Massachusetts and he lives in Philadelphia. He just told me last night that even thought he likes me and thinks I'm special, and still wants to be in my life, he thinks we're just in different places in our lives. I am in college applying to grad schools to become a Physicians Assistant and he has an MBA and works full time.
    I honestly think he told me he doesnt want to continue our relationship because I think he thinks Im going to hurt him, seeing as how I am very young and have only been out in the gay life for about a year.
    I really dont think he have us a chance at all. I think he just thought of the negative things that could happen in the future.
    Should I fight for him? Should I keep trying with him? I really do care for him a lot and I think we could really work.


    I'm not sure how to put this, besides the fact that it is probably over.

    It's only been three months and the fact that you said it was love at first sight and now he's breaking it off, probably means he's looking for something else. Or that this relationship just wasn't panning out how he would have wanted.

    He is 35, and probably knows what he's looking for by now. You're 22, and still have so much time to explore and figure out what it is you want exactly. He's right, you are in different places in your lives.

    Did he tell you personally it was love at first sight? Or are you just assuming it was because you yourself, felt that way?

    I think you can still be in his life, just like he said he would do for you, but it seems to me there is a lot missing in terms of a relationship between the two of you, and perhaps it just wasn't meant to work out.
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    Nov 23, 2010 12:54 AM GMT
    It was love at first sight for him as well. He told me he thinks he's going to hold me back in my exploration of life. But i honestly think he's afraid that Im going to hurt him and so i think he's breaking it off before i do. but I'm totally into him and i cant emphasize it enough. I think he just doesnt want to get too invested in us when he fears it might be over soon. If that really is the case then i think i should fight for him
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    I've been in a similar situation, only I was the "older" guy and I can totally relate to what your guy is saying. I would be somewhat cautious as well about entering a relationship with someone in their early twenties for the very same reasons he gave. Having said that, everybody is different. I've met some mature 22 year-olds that seem to have their shit a lot together than people twice their age. If you really feel that strongly, go ahead and fight for him and I wish you the best of luck.
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    I think he's trying to make it about you while It is he who wants to see other people. "Oh, I don't want to hold you back in your exploration" Give me a break. He is smarter than you think, young man.
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    frenchatheart saidI think he's trying to make it about you while It is he who wants to see other people. "Oh, I don't want to hold you back in your exploration" Give me a break. He is smarter than you think, young man.


    Well he did say he wanted someone that was more contemporary and has gone through more experiences that he has gone through himself.
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    Can't make him do what he doesn't want to do. If you really do love him give it a fight, but realize it probably won't be successful. You can say,"At least I tried." It's only been three months so it shouldn't hurt as if you've been together five years. It'll easier to still be friends and require less time to get over him (most likely).
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    Im not the kind to chase. I havent done it before and I never really thought i would. But I truly think this guy is amazing and perfect in so many ways and so thats why I wanna chase him. I dont want to lose such an amazing guy.
    I wanted to go slow and see where this goes but i really feel like he didnt give us a chance, he didnt give me a chance. I think hes afraid
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:52 AM GMT
    Just move on, that's what he wants you to do.

    Just be glad he was honest with you, which some guys aren't and would just lead you on because they're too afraid to be honest.
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:53 AM GMT
    Youngin06 said Well he did say he wanted someone that was more contemporary and has gone through more experiences that he has gone through himself.

    There is a whole world of experience that happens between 22 and 35. You won't understand how deeply that experience changes your awareness of yourself, your needs and how you relate to others, until you've lived much more than you have. He just wants someone he doesn't have to explain everything to. Give him credit for being honest with you.
    You also haven't made allowance for the special P'town effect that creates an unreal glow around anything that happens there.
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    Nov 23, 2010 1:59 AM GMT
    Love at first sight. thats awesome. However its funny that the love isn't stopping him from breaking up with you just after 3 months. Also, its not like you got younger, you're in the same position and age as you were when he first met you. infact you got 3 months older and experienced 3 more months of being gay. Maybe it wasn't love? Maybe he just realized that?
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    Nov 23, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    Youngin06 saidIm not the kind to chase. I havent done it before and I never really thought i would. But I truly think this guy is amazing and perfect in so many ways and so thats why I wanna chase him. I dont want to lose such an amazing guy.
    I wanted to go slow and see where this goes but i really feel like he didnt give us a chance, he didnt give me a chance. I think hes afraid


    No, he's not afraid to get what he wants. And you are not the one he wants. He's just putting it nicely so if you still have some self-esteem, get the hint. The more you chase him, the more he'll think you are a psycho and will be convinced that you are not his fit for you.
    What is happening with you right now is you are putting him on a pedestal and thinks he's all perfect and blah blah and mostly because you don't have any other choices, your dating pool is limited since you are still in college. In short, a perfect person is someone who feels the same way for you as you are feeling for him. It's his loss that he doesn't think you are a good fit. Move on and do it for yourself, not for him.
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    Nov 23, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    Youngin06 said
    frenchatheart saidI think he's trying to make it about you while It is he who wants to see other people. "Oh, I don't want to hold you back in your exploration" Give me a break. He is smarter than you think, young man.


    Well he did say he wanted someone that was more contemporary and has gone through more experiences that he has gone through himself.



    Congrats on having found someone who radically altered your life. I'd say anything worthwhile is always worth fighting for...just don't go to the point of desperation. There is a point where the time honored tradition of letting what you love go, so that it can explore and possibly return to you, kicks in. Good luck.
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    Nov 23, 2010 2:27 AM GMT
    Run, don't walk, away from the situation. Difficult to hear, but it really is for the best.

    Long-distance relationships are difficult, but if one party is obviously not invested in the situation, there isn't much that you can do. Age differences, career choices, etc. ... They can be worked out if both parties are interested in the situation. Chalk it up as a learning experience, see if he keeps true to his word about staying in touch, and let things work themselves out.
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    Nov 23, 2010 3:17 AM GMT
    Let him go
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    Nov 23, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    Advice is nice, but your heart is what you should listen to. Tell him how you feel, he's not a mind reader and you owe it to both of you to sit down with him. If you love him, he's worth it, don't you think so? ............Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 23, 2010 4:09 AM GMT
    If you want to be a PA, make sure you don't refer to Physicians (sic) Assistant in your applications. It's Physician Assistant.... No 's' on the word 'physician'. And yes it matters. Better get out the dictionary too, cause if you can't spell 'diverticulitis', 'encephalopathy' or 'alkaline phosphatase', it ain't gonna happen.

    And men that aren't 'sure' aren't worth your time.
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    Nov 23, 2010 4:31 AM GMT
    Ask him if that's really his concern, because you might be onto something. My partner and I are 11 years apart in age (I'm younger). When we met I was 22 and we lived about as far apart as you guys. I know that he had some reservations about getting too involved with some one so much younger who had just come out. Ten years later I'm pretty sure he's glad he took a leap of faith. The only way youll know is to have the conversation. Should you fight for him? If you are truly in love and mean to make it work despite the difficulties, I say go for it. Good luck!
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    Nov 23, 2010 5:06 AM GMT
    A few months before we met, he was in a relationship where i guess everything was going really well for like 6 months. One day he got an email from the other guy saying that he chose the path of jesus and enrolled himself in those programs that tricks you into becoming straight and he moved to texas to do that. ( The last time I visited him, his friends told me that the guy would always question him about whether what they were doing was right and that they should feel guilty for doing things together).
    I think in our situation, he thinks there a high chance of me getting up and leaving him for something else.

    I want to fight for him, but i just dont know how
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    Nov 23, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    Youngin06 saidA few months before we met, he was in a relationship where i guess everything was going really well for like 6 months. One day he got an email from the other guy saying that he chose the path of jesus and enrolled himself in those programs that tricks you into becoming straight and he moved to texas to do that. ( The last time I visited him, his friends told me that the guy would always question him about whether what they were doing was right and that they should feel guilty for doing things together).
    I think in our situation, he thinks there a high chance of me getting up and leaving him for something else.

    I want to fight for him, but i just dont know how


    BAHAHAHA YEAH, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. IT'S YOUR FUCKING. IT'S NOT TURNING ME ON.YOU SUCK DUDE!!! FUCK IT, I'M LEAVING TO BECOME CELIBATE. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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    Nov 23, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    Like one of the poster said RUN don't walk. You will find someone that wants to be with you a much as you want to be with him. He's already made up his mind and moved on if he's blind siding you like this good grief!
    He knew where you were at when you firsted dating...so that's a load of CRAP!

    Why invest more time and energy into somone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?
    You're like a hamster on the spinning wheel...it just goes around and around! Stop his world and get off.
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    Nov 23, 2010 8:03 PM GMT
    I agree with Keith above. Love is always worth fight for even if it means that you are wrong in the end. If you truly believe that he still loves you, go for it.

    I've been the older party in a few relationships. And the question about age has crossed my mind. The thought that the twenty-something is just starting out on life and may want to see and experience all (including other lovers) that is out there is natural. He may think you are not ready for a commitment. In his 30s, he's likely looking for a long-term commitment and he doesn't want to close any doors for you too early in life. A heart-to-heart discussion is required.
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    Nov 23, 2010 8:04 PM GMT
    Youngin06 said
    frenchatheart saidI think he's trying to make it about you while It is he who wants to see other people. "Oh, I don't want to hold you back in your exploration" Give me a break. He is smarter than you think, young man.


    Well he did say he wanted someone that was more contemporary and has gone through more experiences that he has gone through himself.
    In other words, you already know the answer, but you're in denial.
    With my experiences in life, I'm on his side with this one.
    He's already got the "been there done that" mindset, and wants someone he can relate with.
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    Nov 23, 2010 8:10 PM GMT
    Relax, it has only been a 3 month relationship.

    I know it can be hard to take, but the guy has all ready made up his mind. He has probably been thinking about it for a while too. The younger/older thing can work for some guys, however it doesn't always work for everyone. You are young, you have plenty of time to find a Mr. Right, and when you do he wont say that he will be holding you back.
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    Nov 23, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    frenchatheart said
    Youngin06 saidIm not the kind to chase. I havent done it before and I never really thought i would. But I truly think this guy is amazing and perfect in so many ways and so thats why I wanna chase him. I dont want to lose such an amazing guy.
    I wanted to go slow and see where this goes but i really feel like he didnt give us a chance, he didnt give me a chance. I think hes afraid


    No, he's not afraid to get what he wants. And you are not the one he wants. He's just putting it nicely so if you still have some self-esteem, get the hint. The more you chase him, the more he'll think you are a psycho and will be convinced that you are not his fit for you.
    What is happening with you right now is you are putting him on a pedestal and thinks he's all perfect and blah blah and mostly because you don't have any other choices, your dating pool is limited since you are still in college. In short, a perfect person is someone who feels the same way for you as you are feeling for him. It's his loss that he doesn't think you are a good fit. Move on and do it for yourself, not for him.


    I totally disagree! Wrong wrong wrong! I was in a relationship with a younger guy that i really loved, and I ended with him because of what this older guys is also saying - I was afraid i would get hurt, that he would leave me, etc etc and so i HASTENED the end, to my regret.

    Now I am in a relationship with a younger guy whose 20. Its been six months, and I no longer try to hasten the end but enjoy the present. And so far, its been rocky at times but we always end back together. The younger man puts in a lot of effort, and so do I. there are so many things right about the relationship and some things that are wrong. I don't expect it to last forever, but I am enjoying the time that we have together in the present, without worrying about the future.

    And he makes me really happy. But if the older guy in OP's post is feeling insecure and wants to hasten the end, then there's nothing you can really do. You can just keep trying and stay at him, and eventually those feelings of insecurity may pass. and he may trust you more.

    It takes time. and effort. Anything worth having in life, is worth working for. I have worked hard on this relationship. and if you put in the effort, you will get the results, just like working out. It just takes time.