So...

  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 24, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    ...met a guy at gym, hot and hung, shaved head etc.
    The usual signals during the shower and steam room.
    Got his name afterwards..wanted to hookup , I couldn't and arranged something for the next night.

    During the following day he phoned and offered to make dinner, it was awkward to say at best.
    I said we should skip dinner and move onto dessert when I get there.
    I am not looking for a relationship, just a friend with benefits, so I used subtlety to get the point accross.

    The following day arrvies and well something came up and he couldn't make it.
    He was very apologetic and made sure that I understand that he is not dumping me but that he can't make it and definitely want to hook up.

    I said thanks for letting me know etc.

    Later last night I messaged him to say thanks for offering dinner but I am not looking for a relationship but just a friend with benefits.
    Most guys seem to want more than just that and that I will leave it up to him to call me.

    Well no call and no replies...at all...

    So, silly me thinks that phoning him will be a good idea, thinking that maybe I can chat to him etc....it rang and rang and rang and then went dead...

    So...what happened?
    Can anyone tell me what happened here?
    I am a bit confused as to what happened here?
    Why on earth do I feel so crap?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    Kage saidSo...what happened?
    Can anyone tell me what happened here?
    I am a bit confused as to what happened here?
    Why on earth do I feel so crap?


    Sounds to me he was looking for a date rather than just a hook-up - good for you and being honest about what you wanted though! I don't think you should feel crap about it, there's nothing wrong with just wanting some casual sex, clearly he's not into that so he's backed off. I guess you just chalk it up to experience and move on.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 24, 2010 2:53 PM GMT
    NickFit said
    Kage saidSo...what happened?
    Can anyone tell me what happened here?
    I am a bit confused as to what happened here?
    Why on earth do I feel so crap?


    Sounds to me he was looking for a date rather than just a hook-up - good for you and being honest about what you wanted though! I don't think you should feel crap about it, there's nothing wrong with just wanting some casual sex, clearly he's not into that so he's backed off. I guess you just chalk it up to experience and move on.


    Thanks Nick.
    I would have preferred a call or at the very least a text to say that he is not looking for NSA.
    He was the one that invited me round the first time. WTF?

    C'est la vie.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2010 3:04 PM GMT
    You should not feel bad at all. You were honest and up front, which is great. He was too, but in the old signal kind of way. He wanted the door open to more, that's all. Feel good about yourself for honesty, it's in short supply sometimes.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 24, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    Honesty didn't get me laid.icon_wink.gif
    I could as much get laid and still be honest about it afterwards.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    Kage saidHonesty didn't get me laid.icon_wink.gif
    I could as much get laid and still be honest about it afterwards.


    Patience, my pet, patience. It is a new day.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 24, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    3rdtimeacharm said
    Kage saidHonesty didn't get me laid.icon_wink.gif
    I could as much get laid and still be honest about it afterwards.


    Patience, my pet, patience. It is a new day.


    Pet?
    Patience has never been my virtue. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2010 3:28 PM GMT
    It is all very clear to me what happened. You stated the terms and the other guy said thanks for being honest but no thanks to your terms. Now you feel rejected. It sounds to me like you're in denial and your own worst enemy. If all you want is friends with benefits you have to be able to walk away.

    How do you really know what you want until you get to know someone? Everyone assumes that a relationship will proceed the same way every time. New flash! Every relationship is different because the individuals involved are different. Now the best way to handle this in the future is to accept the dinner and go get to know the guy and try to understand what he is looking for and what he is about. You essentially told him I'm not interested in getting to know you I just want to fuck. Some guys would find that kind of insulting.

    Here's how I feel about it if I'm the other guy. I'm okay with a guy who is just looking to get his rocks off with me but....... if that is the case he has to be hotter and sexier than most. I allow myself to objectify him because he has effectively given me permission. Now if a guy is looking for a more emotional experience then I try to connect with him emotionally. If we don't connect that way then I prefer not to have sex with him and offer friendship. If we do connect then the sex is usually great. Still I understand that we're not getting married after one time in bed. We all have to learn to understand and respect the other guy's comfort zone.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 24, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    Assumptions..assumptions.icon_rolleyes.gif

    friendormate saidIt is all very clear to me what happened. You stated the terms and the other guy said thanks for being honest but no thanks to your terms. Now you feel rejected. It sounds to me like you're in denial and your own worst enemy. If all you want is friends with benefits you have to be able to walk away.


    Denial about what?
    I think that I felt (note past tense) crap based on the fact that I normally internalise rejection and somehow find fault in me first and not in the fact that the guy did not have the common decency to test or call me and say no thank you.


    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREHow do you really know what you want until you get to know someone? Everyone assumes that a relationship will proceed the same way every time. New flash! Every relationship is different because the individuals involved are different.


    I know what I want based on the fact that I am in an open relationship.
    I am not looking for a second partner, just a playmate.


    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERENow the best way to handle this in the future is to accept the dinner and go get to know the guy and try to understand what he is looking for and what he is about. You essentially told him I'm not interested in getting to know you I just want to fuck. Some guys would find that kind of insulting.


    Interesting point.
    It is something to consider.


    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREHere's how I feel about it if I'm the other guy. I'm okay with a guy who is just looking to get his rocks off with me but....... if that is the case he has to be hotter and sexier than most. I allow myself to objectify him because he has effectively given me permission.


    There is no objectification required and it is definitely not something that I am interested in.

    NSA can occur between 2 people where neither have to feel objectified or denegrated into simply being a cock and simply being a hole to shove said cock in.


    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERE Now if a guy is looking for a more emotional experience then I try to connect with him emotionally. If we don't connect that way then I prefer not to have sex with him and offer friendship. If we do connect then the sex is usually great. Still I understand that we're not getting married after one time in bed. We all have to learn to understand and respect the other guy's comfort zone.


    I agree with your sentiment on this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 24, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    Did you make it clear you were in an open relationship? That would say everything you need to say.

    As far as objectifying that depends on your perception of what the term means. I think of it as meaning that I'm looking at the guy as hot sex only and not trying to go deeper emotionally because I know it is just for sex. It is like glorified masturbation or like we are fellow porno stars. That is why the guy has to be hotter than most because I want him to satisfy my carnal desires not my emotional desires. In that way I would be playing by his rules since I understand I had no say in the matter.

    If you are trying to get affirmation from guys outside your relationship than I have to say that is not a good way to nurture your self esteem. I'm not saying that is the case but I have seen it time and again. If a guy is trying to make me fall for him when he is unavailable I see it as trying to manipulate my emotions to make him feel more desirable.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 24, 2010 4:02 PM GMT
    friendormate said
    If you are trying to get affirmation from guys outside your relationship than I have to say that is not a good way to nurture your self esteem. I'm not saying that is the case but I have seen it time and again. If a guy is trying to make me fall for him when he is unavailable I see it as trying to manipulate my emotions to make him feel more desirable.


    No affirmation required to bolster myself.

    After my rant I think that the biggest thing was that I needed some kind of understanding.

  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 25, 2010 6:28 AM GMT
    So he replied after I sent a message apologising if I insulted him.
    He did say that he was not insulted and that he prefers something more.

    I explained that I am looking for more than just a cock but a person with a personality and a life.
    He agrees and then said that he jsut came out of a 3 year relationship and that he does not need a relationship now and that he is fine with just fun.

    I then said well since we agree what now?
    No answer from him.

    I replied and said that I am the kind of person that is forthright and I expect the dame does he want to hookup some time for dinner and wine with perhaps some great non-comittal sex aftewards perhaps
    No answer from him.

    So...I am rather confused now.

    He was the one that invited me over on night one.
    He then confirmed to get around for some fun the following night.
    He then said that he wants more.
    Then he said that he does not want more.
    Then no answer.

    I am sorry but I am not the kind of guy that likes to be confused.
    I prefer straight forward answers and have things laid out clear and succinct so that there is no confusion.
    Why is it so dificult to do the same.

    It is simple.
    Do you want to get together for a great time?
    If yes, great!
    If no, great!

    Just dont play fucking games.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 8:51 AM GMT
    Kage saidSo he replied after I sent a message apologising if I insulted him.
    He did say that he was not insulted and that he prefers something more.

    I explained that I am looking for more than just a cock but a person with a personality and a life.
    He agrees and then said that he jsut came out of a 3 year relationship and that he does not need a relationship now and that he is fine with just fun.

    I then said well since we agree what now?
    No answer from him.

    I replied and said that I am the kind of person that is forthright and I expect the dame does he want to hookup some time for dinner and wine with perhaps some great non-comittal sex aftewards perhaps
    No answer from him.

    So...I am rather confused now.

    He was the one that invited me over on night one.
    He then confirmed to get around for some fun the following night.
    He then said that he wants more.
    Then he said that he does not want more.
    Then no answer.

    I am sorry but I am not the kind of guy that likes to be confused.
    I prefer straight forward answers and have things laid out clear and succinct so that there is no confusion.
    Why is it so dificult to do the same.

    It is simple.
    Do you want to get together for a great time?
    If yes, great!
    If no, great!

    Just dont play fucking games.


    Sounds like he's slow to responses--texts or calls. I'm the same way... I really don't care for cell phones or texting. It's kinda rude though at the same time to the prson who expects a response right away.

    Or, perhaps he has something to hide... perhaps he can only respond to you at certain times?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 9:42 AM GMT
    friendormate saidIt is all very clear to me what happened. You stated the terms and the other guy said thanks for being honest but no thanks to your terms. Now you feel rejected. It sounds to me like you're in denial and your own worst enemy. If all you want is friends with benefits you have to be able to walk away.

    How do you really know what you want until you get to know someone? Everyone assumes that a relationship will proceed the same way every time. New flash! Every relationship is different because the individuals involved are different. Now the best way to handle this in the future is to accept the dinner and go get to know the guy and try to understand what he is looking for and what he is about. You essentially told him I'm not interested in getting to know you I just want to fuck. Some guys would find that kind of insulting.

    Here's how I feel about it if I'm the other guy. I'm okay with a guy who is just looking to get his rocks off with me but....... if that is the case he has to be hotter and sexier than most. I allow myself to objectify him because he has effectively given me permission. Now if a guy is looking for a more emotional experience then I try to connect with him emotionally. If we don't connect that way then I prefer not to have sex with him and offer friendship. If we do connect then the sex is usually great. Still I understand that we're not getting married after one time in bed. We all have to learn to understand and respect the other guy's comfort zone.


    i agree with this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 12:02 PM GMT
    He changed his mind!
    You pointed out your terms and he didn't accept them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 12:18 PM GMT
    Kage saidSo...what happened?
    Can anyone tell me what happened here?
    I am a bit confused as to what happened here?
    Why on earth do I feel so crap?


    It seems that perhaps you had something else in mind that he didn't. Although it's good to state what you want. To be by stating you want a friend with benefits it's the "cake and eat it too" complex. While you don't want a relationship you want a friend and the sex just w/o commitment.

    Don't beat yourself up too much man, it happens.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 25, 2010 2:28 PM GMT
    Go's to show .....

    When you meet under those circumstances
    You let it wait ?

    .... and the penis candle burns out
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    you texted him last night and he didnt get back to you...how long has this been...15 hours, maybe he was busy and didnt want to text back. Texting is annoying who says you have to respond back within a certain period of time.

    Dont understand why you just didnt go to the dinner, try it out and then bang him afterwards, it wasnt like he was asking you to marry him. Getting to know someone isnt so bad even if you arent looking for a relationship

    So you put the kabosh on anything relationship wise and then you are feeling like crap because he hasnt texted back yet...what am I missing here
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 2:47 PM GMT
    Kage said...met a guy at gym, hot and hung, shaved head etc.

    So...what happened?
    Can anyone tell me what happened here?
    I am a bit confused as to what happened here?
    Why on earth do I feel so crap?


    You wanted a hookup
    He didn't want a cum dump
    End of story.
    Pointless to bellyache about it and ask why.

    It's mildly interesting though why you would feel like crap in such a passingly brief interaction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 2:52 PM GMT
    GQjock saidGo's to show .....

    When you meet under those circumstances
    You let it wait ?

    .... and the penis candle burns out


    Yeah, sounds like to much work (drama) for a hook up.
    Next time you see him at the gym...Awkward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 25, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidIf he does not respond to your messages then kick him to the curb.

    Why bother with this kind of "friend with benefits" when he ignores you?

    Often times people become socially and emotionally irresponsible when it is all about sex.

    Sounds like he is contradicting himself. He says he was hoping for more then says he is not because he just got out of a relationship.

    You know he wants more, he says he just wants fun but he was willing to cook for you? As someone who likes to cook I can tell you that going through the effort to make someone food is not just about having some fun sexually. Making dinner for someone is more of a "courting" type of behavior. At least it is in the U.S.


    Too late! Isn't it obvious?
    Someone has already been kicked to the curb and methinks it's not the one you are giving advice to
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 26, 2010 6:31 AM GMT
    Thanks gents!
    All the posts are appreciated.

    The biggest reason why I felt crap about this situation is that I was confused and felt rejected.
    To be rejected without a reason is probably the worst for me.
    If he told me the reason why not then at the very least I could understand.
    But it is what it is.

    I have learned some things from this...
    If opportunity knocks, open the door even if it comes with takeaways.
    If he doesnt have the balls to reply, he doesnt have the balls to cum.
    I don't need to beg for sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 26, 2010 6:56 AM GMT
    facebook-fail-hookup.jpg
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Nov 26, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidfacebook-fail-hookup.jpg


    A thought provoking and intelligent post.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 26, 2010 9:25 AM GMT


    I think it is fairly clear for me.

    It might be something that I would do, although I'll always text back.

    When I was single I would have been the guy offering to make dinner, or go for a drink before. I was never too much fond of one night stands or hook ups.

    I think both of you handled the situation very well, you were honest and he was equally honest (in a subtle way) I think it was apparent from his response that he was not looking for a shag, nobody, no matter how naive, offers to make dinner for a shag. You should have picked up on that.

    What you did following this I'm afraid was more confusing. You then 'changed tack' and decided to peruse him even though he made his position clear. Why would he text back repeatedly? To him you are no longer of interest, and he's probably moved on.

    I think as others have said you need to put this down to experience, equally as there are guys out there who are only looking for sex, there are those of us who are ONLY looking for something more substantial.