I absolutely hate it when...

  • EricPrado

    Posts: 206

    Mar 16, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    you meet a really cool guy and you'd like to be friends with him and then they have to go and mess everything up.

    "So would you like to go out sometime?"
    yup.

    by them just saying that, they've just killed a friendship.
    Then it makes everything so damn AWKWARD and everytime you see them and it's all weird.

    Why do people do this??
    I know that if i ever liked one of my friends i wouldn't go and tell them im falling in love with them.
    Why? because then i'd just be risking losing that person as a friend you know?

    Has this ever happened to you?
    how did you deal with it?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 16, 2008 1:07 AM GMT
    Ah yes, its happened a number of times... and if it has happened with you, be prepared to answer instantly


    "I'm always happy to go out and spend time with friends".

    Right from the get go... make sure any other idea is "quashed".
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    Mar 16, 2008 1:14 AM GMT
    Eric, I don't understand. Sorry, maybe I'm missing something. But it seems to me the only way to develop any kind of relationship with someone. . . including a friendship. . . is to spend time with them, like to go out with them. Why not go out, just as friends? That may be all they want too. By turning them down, you may be robbing yourself of some wonderful friendships.
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    Mar 16, 2008 1:49 AM GMT
    i never really fell for a friend...i dont make close relationship friends with people i can fall for because that causes drama.....
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    Mar 16, 2008 3:37 AM GMT
    Romantic feelings can develop out of friendships. In fact, sometimes it's the best way.

    Don't be so quick to assume you'd never like him "that way".
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    Mar 16, 2008 6:33 AM GMT
    From your perspective it seems like the end of a friendship but from his perspective it might mean the gain of a partner. I love ppl that take risks. They are the ones that get the reward. I have had a couple of these experiences where they will come up to you out of the blue and say "I want to be your boyfriend". Yes these situations can be really awkward, especially when you don't feel the say way but the best approach is to tell them you are just not interested in exploring that part of the relationship. If they are really good friends they will understand and hopefully the friendship afterwards will not be strained unless you let it. Rejectees experience a lack of self worth afterwards so being the good friend that you are, you have to ensure your friend doesn't feel like an ass after spilling their guts to you.

    Basically, your friendship won't become strained if you don't make it an issue. Easier said than done right?

    (Warning: Doesn't always work. Everybody reacts differently. If you value the friendship, you can always mend the fence. If they liked you once they can like you again)
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    Mar 16, 2008 7:19 AM GMT
    lf i meet someone and want it to be a friendship only i tell them from the beginning thats all it can be as i find the best way is to be straight always and 9 times outa ten i dont see them again as there intentions was different to mine so who cares anyway life goes on and i can always eat some more chocolate every day he he he!
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    Mar 16, 2008 7:48 AM GMT
    I have many friends that I could never be sexual with or fall in love with, because we're not compatible as partners. Others I couldn't take it to that level with because, despite attraction between us, it's purely a physical thing and it would end up destroying the friendship. But that attraction to each other doesn't mean I'm going to not hang out with them as friends. I'd hate to miss out on a great friendship because I wasn't secure enough to handle an awkward moment, or because I was afraid of possible "drama".

    On the other hand, my partner was my friend first. As the friendship developed, be both realised that we were completely attracted to each other and compatible as partners... and we were secure enough in ourselves to take it to the next level and let things develop naturally. In our case, it was the right decision. Had I not taken that chance with him, I would have missed out on the love of my life... and he's also my best friend.

    My point... Be careful not to close off your possibilities out of fear of losing a friendship... you could be missing out on something wonderful.
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    Mar 16, 2008 9:30 AM GMT
    Hey man if a friend or you asked that question or insinuated an attraction far beyond the limits of just a simple friendship and the proposal gets shot then don't sweat it.

    It's only an awkward moment/situation if you chose to let it be. The fact that one of you might've tried to take it a bit further doesn't necessarily kill the friendship. If you can't handle the fact that you might be attracted to friend and the fact that all they see youas is just a friend and nothing more then i say deal with. Continue being their friend an nothing more. You have the rest of your life to develop something new with someone else and maybe in time you might actually hook up with your friend.

    To assume that an attraction to a friend kills a friendship is premature. I say it only dies if you let.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 16, 2008 9:31 AM GMT
    It's been a bone of contention for me for years
    whenever you meet someone there's this sexual thing that has to be passed before any kind of friendship can be made... and I hate it
    I have had to squash a lot of relationships where I wanted to be friends with a guy because they wanted to jump into bed
    it sux
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    Mar 16, 2008 2:04 PM GMT
    EricPrado saidyou meet a really cool guy and you'd like to be friends with him and then they have to go and mess everything up.

    "So would you like to go out sometime?"
    yup.

    by them just saying that, they've just killed a friendship.
    Then it makes everything so damn AWKWARD and everytime you see them and it's all weird.

    Why do people do this??
    I know that if i ever liked one of my friends i wouldn't go and tell them im falling in love with them.
    Why? because then i'd just be risking losing that person as a friend you know?

    Has this ever happened to you?
    how did you deal with it?


    I've lost so many "friends" after they have admitted to me that they really really want to have sex with me. Even when I make it clear that I am only interested in being friends, even if they are hot, often after a few months, the guy confesses his feelings....can't handle the rejection, and it's over.
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    Mar 16, 2008 2:07 PM GMT
    GQjock saidIt's been a bone of contention for me for years
    whenever you meet someone there's this sexual thing that has to be passed before any kind of friendship can be made... and I hate it
    I have had to squash a lot of relationships where I wanted to be friends with a guy because they wanted to jump into bed
    it sux


    Yeah, it would be nice not to have to deal with that. It's a bone of contention that I always deal with, day in and day out..........it's a curse sometimes.
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    Mar 16, 2008 4:15 PM GMT
    It is tough because you really enjoy the friendship and trust the person as a friend. Later you find out they have other motives. I have had friends that I trusted and discussed personal things with. I found that their advice was based on their attraction.
    If I turned them down and chose to be just friends I found that they became more openly possessive and I couldn't really talk to them as a friend. It just gets weird. I would like to enjoy a friendship without dating getting in the way.
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    Mar 16, 2008 5:06 PM GMT
    What's wrong?
    How could telling someone how you really feel ever mess up anything?
    If you are friends with this guy and every time you see him you feel all mushy anyway, what's the difference if you tell him and still feel mushy every time you see him? And who the hell wrote the rules on what a friend is and what you can or cannot do or say to your friends? RULES! I like how most rules are just misconceptions and cliches' that people have overanalyzed for so long to the point of granting them unwarranted regulatory power. Like you can't kiss on the first date, you can't date friends, you can't get a tattoo on your head! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU FANCY DOING!! Lol, there are consequences to all action, don't forget, but I think you'll find dating a friend here or there is nothing to feel awkward over.

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    Mar 17, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    Guilty Gear,
    i think sometimes the person feels rejected and the dynamics of the friendship changes. Of course there are exceptions. I see your point. Being friends and having a mutual attraction is a great start to a relationship.
    I can't explain but sometimes You find some great qualities in someone, but you are not looking for love or do not see more than friendship. Sometimes you just want a friend.

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    Mar 17, 2008 9:56 PM GMT
    I had fallen for someone before, myself. He is a straight guy, nonetheless, but he knew what I was about from the beginning, also. Yes, I had known him for over the last couple of years & yes, he came to me & he knew I was gay & I was upfront with him the moment that he came to me like a real man & asked. What made me attracted to him was the fact that he didn't turn his back on me for being honest with him. I told him in a heartbeat I would treat you right & do my damnedest to do right by you, if the opportunity was presented before us. He said he appreciated that & I was game for doing anything he was doing because he was my friend, that & we have a few other things in common (not that kind of thing, so please keep your minds out of the gutter.)
    He knew the deal & since he asked & I told, we made a pact to never rehash it again but we also drew a deal to be there for each other unconditionally. What also made me VERY attracted to him was that he holds no grudges & never a bitter bone in his body & he would do anything for anybody that knew & loved him. When you find someone like that in your life, you do whatever you can to hold to a friendship like that because you know, in a lifetime like this, you only get less than a few good friends that will do anything for you UNCONDITIONALLY. When he got into some mess, the keywords that I had for him were, "Don't worry, I got you. You let me know what to do, as well as, where to go & I got you." So when you got a friend that accepts you, doesn't judge you, nor do anything to put you in harm's way, why mess it up when it's a good thing? It would be good to let them know how you feel once you get it out in the open, but you gotta understand one thing, there are certain things that you gotta keep to yourself, especially if you know that person's history. Me, I told a good friend how I feel about him on 2 levels and the 2nd level was one we should ALL be familiar with. Level 1 is where we come to an agreement with each other the most: Being there for each other UNCONDITIONALLY & I wouldn't have it any other wayicon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 17, 2008 10:18 PM GMT
    EricPrado said

    Why do people do this??
    I know that if i ever liked one of my friends i wouldn't go and tell them im falling in love with them.
    Why? because then i'd just be risking losing that person as a friend you know?


    I've only ever fallen in love with one friend and I told him as soon as I realized it. I wasn't really expecting anything in that case, but for me emotional honesty is very important. I like to know where I stand with people and I like to let people know where they stand with me at all times. If I like you as a friend, you'll know...if I like you as more, you'll know...and if I dislike you, believe me when I say that you'll know it too.

    I basically told him that I loved him and he said he loved me a lot as a friend but not as more. That was that. There was never any ackwardness between us. We're closer now than ever (though I'm not in love with him anymore) and I think that by being honest with him it just made our friendship stronger.

    Regardless, as to your comment of "risking a friendship," sometimes the risks are worth it. Life is pretty boring without taking any emotional risks. The fact is that as we go through our journey we will gain and lose people and sometimes either of those will happen because of the risks we take, but they're worth it.
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    Mar 17, 2008 10:38 PM GMT
    I suppose I don't really see the downside to anyone asking ..."So would you like to go out sometime?"; from a friend or casual acquaintance.

    What if this were coming from someone for whom you actually held some interest, but were hesitant to voice it yourself. I doubt you've be fretting about it here; you'd be doing a happy dance.

    Lately, I'm all about bold moves. There are far too many opportunities lost by NOT telling someone how we feel about them; be it romantic or otherwise.