Friends that are bringing you down?

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    Nov 25, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    Well last night I went to a bar and met up with a friend. He immediately made a joke about how my hair looked good in a sarcastic manner. Then made some more jokes about it and said oh I'm just kidding. He knows this is a sensitive issue with me but even when I looked obviously pissed he continued. He has done this before also. I have had 2 other friends who were talking shit about me behind my back and I cut them out immediately.

    What would you suggest? How would you handle something like that? I always notice its my less attractive friends who are like this do you think that has something to do with it?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 25, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    Sometimes I think it's easy to confuse someone you know with someone who is a friend. Friends are there for each other, they can share a joke, a concern or a trouble. They don't treat each other like crap.
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    Nov 25, 2010 7:39 PM GMT
    Wow, first, you look awesome. And by awesome I mean, VERY attractive. Hair, no hair, hair on your back. Haha.

    It sounds like your friends may be a bit jealous of you. If you want to keep this particular one, I would find an opportune moment when you are alone together to tell him that it bothers you when he makes fun of you like that. If he says, "Oh, I'm just fuckin' with you," tell him that it still bothers you. Remember, what comes out of a person's mouth is usually what's in their heart. If he refuses to apologize or says something stupid like, "Oh, you're being overly sensitive," shut him out. Don't answer calls, find other people to be with. Seriously, some people never learn and you don't need them bringing you down.

    I hope, though, that he takes your words to heart and matures up.
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    Nov 25, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    Envy is one of the seven deadly sins you know icon_wink.gif! I know the feeling and what you mean, well my friends do it to me all the time but on stupid things and we just laugh and joke about it. Well if you are really sensitive to this issue then tell your friends and talk to them about it and tell them to cut it out. tell them "maybe you can joke about once in awhile but if you do it constantly it gets annoying and I want to punch you." Say that and they might run like little pansy. Also, I can relate to you about the 2 friends talking shit, I did the same! If they are good friends they will understand it, if they are like friends you hangout once in awhile might as well cut your loss if they dont stop and stop hanging out with them.
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    Nov 25, 2010 9:08 PM GMT
    i love my friends..they r what you call true friends and plus they know not to fuck with me..because ill cut a bitch
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    Nov 25, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    Theyre NOT your friends.
    Ditch them and find new ones who appreciate you as you are.
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    Nov 26, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    You should only hang out with beautiful people then
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    Nov 26, 2010 12:30 AM GMT
    jlk7jester saidWell last night I went to a bar and met up with a friend. He immediately made a joke about how my hair looked good in a sarcastic manner. Then made some more jokes about it and said oh I'm just kidding. He knows this is a sensitive issue with me but even when I looked obviously pissed he continued. He has done this before also. I have had 2 other friends who were talking shit about me behind my back and I cut them out immediately.

    What would you suggest?
    Buy a wig.

    jlk7jester saidHow would you handle something like that?
    Up until I grew a thicker skin, I handled similar situations the same way you're handing it...with the exception of rant threads.

    jlk7jester saidI always notice its my less attractive friends who are like this do you think that has something to do with it?
    Maybe it's because they know you find them less attractive, and it's a subconscious retaliation?
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    Nov 26, 2010 4:01 AM GMT
    jlk7jester saidWell last night I went to a bar and met up with a friend. He immediately made a joke about how my hair looked good in a sarcastic manner. Then made some more jokes about it and said oh I'm just kidding. He knows this is a sensitive issue with me but even when I looked obviously pissed he continued. He has done this before also. I have had 2 other friends who were talking shit about me behind my back and I cut them out immediately.

    What would you suggest? How would you handle something like that? I always notice its my less attractive friends who are like this do you think that has something to do with it?


    Sometimes we just have to grin and bear it unfortunately icon_sad.gif. To be honest, if your friend knew that the issue was a sensitive one he shouldn't have made any jokes full stop (oh, you guys in America say 'period' instead of 'full stop'). The best thing would be to try and forgive and forget, if he keeps being insensitive then just back away from him.

    Personally I don't really agree with you calling your friends 'less attractive' because it automatically suggests that you already have some not-so-positive perceptions of them. But apart from that, it could be that he has insecurities. Does it seem malicious when he makes the jokes?

    Hope you sort the problem out icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 26, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    I guess I just say they are less attractive because I feel if they are going to criticize my on my looks. They should be looking at themselves. I'm not trying to be a shallow but wtf. How is someone gonna sit there and say nasty comments and be critical if they can't take it themselves.

    I do notice that guys who are attractive and confident in themselves have not ever said anything to me like that. It pisses me off when I am nice to these people and I get taken advantage of. I'm sick of it.
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    Nov 26, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    Ya, I dunno what it is about gay guys, but they think it's cute and flirty to continually trash talk their friends. I've made it a point to cut those fuckers out of my life. I'm hard enough on myself, I don't need my friends sarcastically pointing out my insecurities.

    I mean, I am the first one to make fun of myself for something I do, but I always grew up feeling insecure about my looks and I'm still a little touchy about it. You don't need friends like that!
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    Nov 26, 2010 7:48 AM GMT
    Friends should not be hard work, and thats why I don't have to many gay friends; to high in maintenance.
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    Nov 26, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    I never diss my gay friends. But I do subject them to put-down humor, and get the same from them in return, and we all love it. That's because we all know it's meant in good fun, and countered with genuine compliments for each other and acts of kindness, confident in our mutual friendship, so we have fun with it.

    I learned about put-down humor when I joined the US Army in 1969. My theory is that it's a safety valve that lets-off the pressure you get when you throw a bunch of testosterone-raging young men together, so that they don't kill each other, just the enemy.

    My partner was also in the Army, for a shorter time than I was, but he also knows that drill. So we go back & forth, and our friends call us a comedy team, and wonder if we rehearse these routines at home. We do not.

    Perhaps the OP is just overly sensitive & insecure, and doesn't recognize the put-down humor his friends are using, to which he should reply in kind, all part of how many guys socialize. Or, maybe they really are just the stupid jerks he suspects they are. But I think he should at least step back and consider whether it's all intended to be in good fun, and join in himself if he can.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Nov 26, 2010 3:18 PM GMT
    jlk7jester saidWell last night I went to a bar and met up with a friend. He immediately made a joke about how my hair looked good in a sarcastic manner. Then made some more jokes about it and said oh I'm just kidding. He knows this is a sensitive issue with me but even when I looked obviously pissed he continued. He has done this before also. I have had 2 other friends who were talking shit about me behind my back and I cut them out immediately.

    What would you suggest? How would you handle something like that? I always notice its my less attractive friends who are like this do you think that has something to do with it?



    Friends who belittle you and bring you down are not friends. They are people who, for whatever reason, are dealing with insecurities themselves and they put others down around them to feel better about themselves. True friends build you up, make you feel good, are supportive and aware of your sensitive issues. I try to surround myself with positive, upbeat people and try to live by a general rule: "If you don't enhance my life, you're not in it".
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 26, 2010 3:28 PM GMT
    I think you are getting some good input here. I tend to agree. I have no place in my life for people, disguised as "friends" make disparaging remarks about you or others in passing to help patch up their insecurities.

    Case in point... I have a "friend" who tends to think of himself as one of the
    "social elite" in gay circles in Wichita. He'll make vague remarks about others who I know who "aren't up to snuff" or talk about this person or that one as "not quite measuring up". He's quick to point out any little nasty comment that he's heard. He had a relationship terminate last year at Christmas. While I know he's dealing with much, I decided to keep him at arm's length as I was tired of hearing him comment about people we know. I suggest you do the same. Healthy friendships are positive and uplifting, negative ones I'd avoid, I don't want to be a part of that drama.