I love my BF but we're not right for each other...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 16, 2008 6:22 PM GMT
    Guys, I need some solid advice here, and words of experience and encouragement.

    I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We genuinely love each other very much, but I've noticed that my love for him has transformed from a romantic love into a platonic friendship.

    In the beginning as it always is, it was fireworks, passion and tons of fun. He used to live about 2 hours away from me. I'd travel to visit him, and bring him back to Pittsburgh every week or so, and he'd stay for about a week. But around the year point in our relationship, we began to live together, things changed big time.

    I noticed gradually just how little we have in common. And I realized that we are at totally different points in life. He's 22, I'm almost 29. He wants to go out every night and party, get blasted, and has no idea what he wants to do for a career, and no general interests outside of getting drunk. I am very passionate about my career, my music, my creativity, getting exercise, and being independent. He is also very dependent on me, financially, for rides to work, to use my cell phone (because he can't afford one).

    Generally speaking, I feel as if I'm raising a child, or as if this is my younger brother who needs guidance, direction and and more emotional support than I can give. Needless to say, this has greatly affected our sex life - we almost never have sex anymore, I just can't get into it. I can't get into kissing him, I can't get into much more than just hugs and pecks.

    I really want to end our relationship for the benefit of both of us. I need my freedom, I need my independence, and he needs to be 22 and live his life and find his own way in his own time. I just don't know how to approach it all with him.

    Thanks for listening,
    Nick
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 16, 2008 8:01 PM GMT
    You just laid it out all for yourself there my man...

    Nothing else needs to be said
    You just have to tell him as succinctly you said it here
    Sit him down and tell him that you value him
    and that you don't regret your time together but that it's in both of your interests to move on
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    Mar 17, 2008 12:24 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for what you're going through. at first your situation sounded intriguing because i'm in a 1.5 yr relationship and i always wonder what brings a "ltr" to end?
    but frankly, when you explained about the age difference, i have to say... well, there's your problem. i mean no 22 yr old is in a relationship that he'll be in when he's 32. that's not an age to have a serious relationship... at least not for most guys.
    it's good that you acknowledge the problem and are ready to deal with it. i agree with GQ -- just get it over with.
    good luck!


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    Mar 17, 2008 12:40 AM GMT
    In relationships, usually incompatibility is one of the greatest causal factors of a breakup. Usually the main purpose of a relationship is to be happier and more liberated and more fulfilled in the relationship than you would be outside the relationship. You want to be able to improve the quality of your life....NOT decrease it.

    The ultimate overarching goal of a relationship is to look at yourself and examine ur life and ask yourself this question: "is it helping me to become of what I am capable of becoming?" I feel like you're continually adjusting who you want to be and where you want to be in life...You know exactly what you have to do.

    If you feel like you have nothing in common and/or don't have shared common values...it's time to let them go. People usually think that when a relationship doesn't work they think they've somewhat failed...it's why people hold on to relationships. I'm glad you're not afraid to admit the fact that you weren't afraid to admit that it isn't working. That's just my spiel.
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    Mar 17, 2008 12:43 AM GMT
    Well I think you have summed it up very nicely. You are at very different stages in your life. Although 7 years does not sound like a big difference, when it is 29 and 22 it is.

    My advice for what it is worth is, remain friends but break up and try and find someone that you are closer to in terms of life goals (and probably age).

    Best of luck.
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    Mar 17, 2008 12:48 AM GMT
    The guys above have said all the wise words I could think of and more. But I can't help but simply saying: I feel for you and wish you the best with this.

    It's probably better for you both to find people who are more compatible.

    ~Craig
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 12:57 AM GMT
    collegefratboy saidIn relationships, usually incompatibility is one of the greatest causal factors of a breakup. Usually the main purpose of a relationship is to be happier and more liberated and more fulfilled in the relationship than you would be outside the relationship. You want to be able to improve the quality of your life....NOT decrease it.

    The ultimate overarching goal of a relationship is to look at yourself and examine ur life and ask yourself this question: "is it helping me to become of what I am capable of becoming?" I feel like you're continually adjusting who you want to be and where you want to be in life...You know exactly what you have to do.

    If you feel like you have nothing in common and/or don't have shared common values...it's time to let them go. People usually think that when a relationship doesn't work they think they've somewhat failed...it's why people hold on to relationships. I'm glad you're not afraid to admit the fact that you weren't afraid to admit that it isn't working. That's just my spiel.



    Great insight man, right on the money.
    Hockeynick, man, you know what you need to do.

    Be glad that you're not letting it drag on until the issue comes up by itself in the middle of a fight.
    We can tell that you care a lot about your boy, but if it's not working out you GOTTA do what you have to do.
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    Mar 17, 2008 1:04 AM GMT
    The only thing you can do is be honest to yourself and to him. Make it a clean break with absolutely no "what ifs." It always happens that the hormones run dry in a relationship and people start to see things for what they really are. And don't let the length of the relationship deter you from breaking up.
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    Mar 17, 2008 1:07 AM GMT
    On top of the wise words that everyone else has already said, I would just want to add that it is important to remember that not all relationships are meant to be forever. Sometimes they're just meant to be friendships.

    Additionally, people come into our lives for various reasons and there is always a lesson in each friendship and relationship to be learned. It sounds like you're already a pretty solid man, but maybe your lesson here was to just figure out that you're ready for depth in a partner and not just a good time. Which you have learned little grasshopper...

    Good for you, but if there is any way to end things with love, do it. I'm sure that he's a very good person, just not the right person for you anymore.

    Peace
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    Mar 17, 2008 4:39 AM GMT
    You've been given good, serious advice here by the guys above me. All of it is on track. You've described your situation clearly and it is obvious you have given it a great deal of thought. You are in a position I have been in a few times - being the more responsible one - outgrowing a younger, more immature guy.

    Best of luck to you, man - and know this: You can't know now about all the interesting guys you may meet in the future - great guys more in tune with the life you are building for yourself - just know that!

    Gregg
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    Mar 17, 2008 5:20 AM GMT
    You already know the answer. Good luck.
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    Mar 17, 2008 5:27 AM GMT
    l feel very sorry for you Hockeynick but it seems you are not in love any more to me? Also you were never on the same level in the beginning so don't suffer any more give it up and move on and if you can be friends well fine.
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    Mar 17, 2008 5:32 AM GMT
    You have reasoned things out very well, and chosen your course as only you can. Sometimes when breaking up we can feel like someone failed or did something wrong, or that for some reason we should be able to make something work out. Sometimes we are just afraid of telling someone it is not working out because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

    You just have to believe that you are making the best decision you can and have faith in yourself. I am sure you can come up with the right words to tell him. DON'T feel guilty or like you are the bad guy! It almost sounds like you are looking for approval more than anything. So here is my pat on the back and approval .. go and be happy.
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    Mar 17, 2008 5:33 AM GMT
    Good luck man, not much more to add that hasn't been said. Your insight is very good and it looks like you've found a large group of guys who think you're spot on!
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    Mar 17, 2008 6:07 AM GMT
    I had an experience like yours. We had a wonderful relationship while I was in college. He is a wonderful man, hung nicely and all top. He and the University were wonderful tutoring me into becoming a civilian, I had recently retired from the Army when we met. He helped me get through some tough times, like when my mother died. He gives me that euphoric feeling that is associated with love. So if that's love, I still love him.
    There were some problems, he is very prying and I didn't like that. The main problem we had and the only times we ever argued was about politics. He's so Democrat and I'm so Republican.
    A year and a half ago he suggested that we change our relationship and just be friends. We are the best of friends and are no longer lovers and it's just fine. He knows that I would do anything for him and I know I can count on him if I need him. If you split up, the best I can wish on you is that you enjoy a similar arrangement.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Mar 17, 2008 1:32 PM GMT
    Hockynick, your living my life right now or maybe I'm living yours. My now ex and I have been together for about two years, he moved in with me last June and it was evident from the start that we should have waited. I'm 43 he's 32, age differences dpending on what stage of life your in can be as big as the grand canyon. My now ex will be moving out at the end of the month. His moving in made our problems magnified and brought issues to the surface that might of come out later over time if we didn't live together. Over the coming months we found that we were not the right guys for eachother. It was a very hard and tough road we traveled, we are even going to be friends after he's gone. I think you know what you need to do. This will be a life lesson for both of you.

    Best of luck

    Doug
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    Mar 17, 2008 8:10 PM GMT
    To all of you awesome men,

    Thank you thank you thank you. You guys are wonderful, supportive, intelligent, and articulate. Your advice has really given me a certain psychological resolve, and peace about the whole situation. I can't express how thankful I am.

    You guys truly are part of a community of breaking stereotypes. You are all athletic, intelligent and gay. What a wonderful thing.

    Thank you so much,
    Nick
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    Mar 17, 2008 8:33 PM GMT
    "Is it helping me to become of what I am capable of becoming?"

    That question is a fantastic wake-up call.

    I wouldn't discount the 22 year-old's capability to maintain a serious relationship. It's just that you got attached to one who still had "freedom of youth" written all over him.

    You haven't mentioned, though, whether he's aware of your misgivings.

    It's entirely possible that he'll see the light when you explain how you feel. Maybe he'll try to shape up. Maybe he's thinking that right now the setup is still okay since the big picture hasn't been made clear to him.

    The difficult part there is when the ball gets passed back to you. Because, arguably, he'll apologize, not want to let you go, and say he's willing to make compromises.

    Will you give him another chance?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 8:42 PM GMT
    As been said before, the other posters have give you some sound advice. And you've given yourself some of the best advice. He needs to live his own life and do the partying, etc, and learn to be independent if he is to succeed in life. A relationship should be one of equals, and it sounds as if there is a a disparity in both your emotional and physical needs.

    The only thing I would add is: make it a CLEAN break, and don't have him in your life for a bit. If you don't it may be easy for him to try to "leech" on to you, and the relationship won't really end. After a few years, you can probably re-establish a friendship with him (if you want) without any romantic feelings on his part.

    Good luck. Having a boyfriend is great, but only one person is going to look out for yourself: YOU. As selfish as it sounds, you need to take care of yourself, and not but someone else's need before your own.

    Good luck...I hope it works for the best.
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Mar 17, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    Nick, I think the other guys have summed it up quite nicely here. I just wanted to wish you good luck and I am sorry you are going through this.
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    Mar 17, 2008 9:27 PM GMT
    It is very clear that you fell for the lust and not the true foundation that makes for a real relationship. If he is dependent upon you for the bascis do you think it will change any time soon? You need to have a frank discussion with him on how you feel and what he is (not may) be willing to do to change his approach to life. Even a straight couples deal with this same problem but it becomes an even greater issue for gay men. You should each be independent before you comment to a relationship of the nature you apparently are wanting. I have been in the same situation and when I realized that my finanical resources were the bigger attraction to my partner I decided it was time to end things and have a life for myself. If you are already living together it does creat a bigger obstacle but it can be dealt with. You need to check out the laws regarding a roommate in your state/city since you may end the relationship but have to continue to live together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 9:33 PM GMT
    How could you do this to me? Posting this on a public board








    don't ever call me againicon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 9:43 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your problem. Seems like you have an idea about what you want to do. I recommend that you be honest and direct about your concerns. I don't know if you might want to work it out or just end it. See what he has to say. If you want to end it do it honestly and quickly. Good luck
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 17, 2008 9:48 PM GMT
    Unfortunately, there's no easy way to do what you need to do. You've laid out your case. Everything makes complete sense, so you've made the right decision. I think you have the template for what you need to say to him. Though it's not really your responsibility, you can volunteer to help get him on his feet or give him 2-3 months to save up the money he'll need before he moves out. But, you need to be firm and set a date you can live with.
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    Mar 17, 2008 9:51 PM GMT

    Send him over to me. He'll forget all about YOU in no time. icon_razz.gif