Sort of life dilemma, don't know what to do.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 29, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    Okay so to understand the question (and I do apologise because I don't even know what exactly I'm trying to ask) I'll give a little background info.

    So I'm 23 years old, and at such a late age I'm only now beginning to discover what my sexuality is.
    During all of highschool I was (and probably still am a little) a major nerd (not the kind that was into internet gaming and all that) and with clicks being a huge thing in highschool that obviously put me out of the group to sort of experience relationships and dating and all that.
    But to be honest, I never really thought much about it all my teenage years.

    So I went from highschool straight to university and with me studying a 4 year course I again didn't really spend that much time thinking about relationships or dating. So after graduating I went into full time work and only after a year or so am now starting to kind of think about it.

    Now as you might already be able to deduce, that would clearly leave me as a complete virgin *laugh now* ... *and some more*
    To add to the the hysterics, by virgin I mean I've never even gone on a single date which I guess is my fault really. Partly because I do have insecurities about myself which I won't go into or else this post will be way to long.

    My dilemma is I don't know exactly how to go about discovering my sexuality. I'm not the type of person to 'hook up' or anything, the thought of it scares me to be truly honest, and I'm sure that by the age of 23 and not having been on a date, I would be clearly lacking in the normal social etiquette that goes on in a date. Heck even before that stage, I probably just need to make some new friends first.
    (sorry for the long post)

    Now to add to difficulty, I do have great friends and family and they have been with me through some really really hard times, but I know them well and they are not supportive at all when it comes to anything except heterosexuality. Please don't get me wrong, they truly are great people just close-minded I guess. They are very accustomed to the old generation's mindset. So this is something that I'm going through discreetly.

    So far I've joined a few other websites but found that the age groups were mostly much older than me or significantly younger than me. So this site seems like a good place considering it's the only one I've found with people around my age.
    Part of my discovery process was looking at your general straight/gay pornography but I don't think that's a good indicator really or at least not conclusive enough as I'm sure in reality it's not as sleazy as its portrayed (but obviously its pornography so it's supposed to be a bit of a heightened sense of reality).

    Now apart from being most likely socially awkward, and by the looks of the members of this website most likely have to get fitter, what should be my next steps? Am I over thinking way too much?
    I do have fears even when it comes to something as simple as meeting new people as I am naturally an introverted person (wow don't I just sound pleasant) but I know that these things will be overcome as I step out more. It'll probably just take me a little longer than the average person.
    I mean, I'm naturally goofy and like being a bit of a dork (I probably have the highest record of corny jokes ever made) but even with the display and profile pictures I kind of already felt a sense of pressure to try fit into how other's have put their pictures on this site, though it was a little unnatural for me, it really wasn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

    Flip, sorry for this extremely absurdly long post.
    Okay so I don't really know what other information I should provide, but any answer is welcome.
    Be truly and even brutally honest, I'm thick skinned and really am just too lazy to be offended by things. In all honesty this does probably sound like a bit of a whiny, immature post so if there's things that you notice I just need to grow up in, then also tell me.
    I'll take as much as I can and throw any offenses (intentional or unintentional) over my shoulder, so long as it's genuine advice and not just because I've made you annoyed at the kind of person I've described myself so far (though to be honest, it does paint a crappy picture).

    Okay thanks haha, wow this feels like a giant venting session.
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Nov 29, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    Alright mate....first off....chill.....breath.....
    Now....I think the first thing you need to do I make some gay friends, dating will come in time. Start to figure out what it is you like and not like. Get to know the gay "culture" and get comfortable with yourself. When you do finally go on your first date, just make sure there is a lot of open communication and take it slow. There really is no rush....Oh, and 23 is not that old to finally experience who you are....I know many who have come out much older then you.....
    Just take some time to build your self confidence....it's not about having the biggest muscles, or being the best looking. I always say that no matter what you look like, there is going to be someone out there who is going to find you hot.........
    I used to be a nerd too, and socially awkward..... it took me a while to come out of my shell.........so don't rush it!

    Hope that helps a little

    Iakona
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    Nov 30, 2010 9:51 AM GMT
    Thanks Iakono for your reply.
    Made me feel a little better actually. I think part of why I overthought things was because in the back of my mind I kept thinking that I must be so late to discover this in life, I was running out of time.
    To what exactly I don't know, I guess I didn't think it through that much or just didn't think clearly enough.

    That thing you said about how there will be someone in the world who will think you're attractive actually boosted my confidence in myself a little more too so I appreciate that.

    I think at this point, patience is the key and perseverance.

    And mostly thank you for taking the time to read that monstrous post haha. It was like I was aiming for an essay or something.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Nov 30, 2010 10:07 AM GMT
    Firstly; nothing to laugh at. It's admirable that you were able to maintain that focus through your studies and worked hard. Time to play catch up with the social life.
    Being from the UK I don't know what the social dynamics and micro-culture of your region is like. There are two ways to go about doing this. Throw yourself into the deep end by going to bars and clubs and generally being social. There was a thread about this earlier.
    Or try to broaden your immediate social circle by exploring friendships with people who accept your sexuality or engage with other gay bi or lesbian individuals who would happily go out on a night with you.

    Thing is there are books there are guides or stuff online about dating but one glove doesn't fit all. Eventually you'll need to venture into the scene and directly meet the people, and live and learn, trial and error. You'll have your ups and downs but it comes with the territory.

    Also similar to RealJock, the UK has a website called Gaydar, heavily used for random hookups but often you find like minded friends in the local area. Does Auss have anything similar to help get you started?
  • thisguy023

    Posts: 204

    Nov 30, 2010 10:50 AM GMT

    Don't worry about being 23 'already'. I was 28 when I came out.
    At the time I felt like a total loser, but in retrospect I am glad I didn't come out as a teenager. You seem smart and centered: you'll be fine.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    Frankly I love Socially awkward, nerdy virgins...

    You are 23, you have a long life to meet people go on dates and enjoy good relationships... You need to get out there and meet people... Like mentioned earlier, make some gay friends and see what's out there... You're educated, you have a career, you seem to have your shit together and your nerdy who wouldn't want that?

    Be comfortable with who you are and enjoy your sexuality. Forget what everyone elses says.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    EBan saidThanks Iakono for your reply.
    Made me feel a little better actually. I think part of why I overthought things was because in the back of my mind I kept thinking that I must be so late to discover this in life, I was running out of time.
    To what exactly I don't know, I guess I didn't think it through that much or just didn't think clearly enough.

    That thing you said about how there will be someone in the world who will think you're attractive actually boosted my confidence in myself a little more too so I appreciate that.

    I think at this point, patience is the key and perseverance.

    And mostly thank you for taking the time to read that monstrous post haha. It was like I was aiming for an essay or something.


    Iakona's pretty cool, eh?

    Just nominated him for MOTD!

    -Doug
  • oyoung

    Posts: 97

    Nov 30, 2010 10:19 PM GMT
    23~ urh~ you have plenty of time for exploring your life. Like 'wolf' said, it is admirable that you could focus on ur studies and works.
    It would be good to meet more friends and get to know this culture. But maintain both gay and straight friends, since you are not really sure yet. But you don't need to change yourself like others, just start to get to know yourself!
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    Nov 30, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    You should not apologize, you post is very honest and the thread may be of help for many here.

    Don't be afraid to feel awkward. For one, it will pass with time and experience. Next, you are more likely to interest people enjoying authenticity over polished social skills, and it's not that bad.

    Don't be afraid to make mistakes, to sleep with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons, to fall in love with someone you should run away from, to feel like a fool because you want someone who doesn't want you etc...
    The only way to learn about yourself and about other is to make experiences, and the bad experiences, as difficult to swallow as they are, teach you more than the good one.

    Don't come out before you feel like it. As a guy said in other tread, it's not that much about coming out, a lot more about 'letting in', as in letting people that you do care for enter your private garden.

    Being virgin at 23 is not an issue. Sex is not that complicated.

    But it's time for you to interact more with others. It will not come naturally, you need to trap yourself in situation where you HAVE TO interact.

    You could join gay association, sport team etc... Just about having regulary to speak with others, make buddies, meet buddies's buddies etc...
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    Dec 01, 2010 6:55 AM GMT
    Wow guys thanks for all the replies. It has lifted my spirits actually, I smiled reading these posts haha.

    Yeah you know I figured the whole virgin thing at 23 wasn't that big of a deal, but I thought to bring it up just because I don't know much about the gay culture, I didn't know if that would specifically be viewed as good or bad.
    Not that I was going to just sleep around to fix that but just for the sake of knowing really.

    I agree with what all of you guys said, I think I just have to throw myself into a social deep-end and learn to paddle.
    Okay well I will definitely have to try fitting in some time to do that. Annoying because most of my friends work 6-7 days as they are self-employed but if there's a will there's a way.

    Minox, that thing you said about falling in love with someone, I'm glad you said that because I've never really thought about it to be honest.
    I don't have the slightest idea how it feels to be 'in' love, kinda freaks me out a little bit as I hope I stay as a level-headed person and not just following my heart on every whim. Or is that what I am supposed to do?
    Food for thought I guess.

    Thanks again everyone.
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    Dec 01, 2010 7:20 AM GMT
    WOAH! I read your post and we both have similar stories. I was in the closet until I graduated college, I'm 23, and still a virgin. Honestly I don't know what advice to give you because I'm struggling to find some friends who will go with me to gay bars and clubs, BUT what I've learned is that gay guys aren't only at clubs and bars there EVERYWHERE, I just suck at having gaydar.

    It makes me feel better to know someone out there feels the same way I do. Don't stress out too much much, man, were still YOUNG!!! Message me if you ever wanna talk
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    Dec 02, 2010 9:10 AM GMT
    dLbrown00
    I'm glad that you're going through something the same. Haha not to sound awful, I wish you all the best of course but yeah its good to know you aren't alone.
    And I couldn't help but laugh at the thing you said about your gaydar because it's exactly the same with me. I have been told that I do come across very naive, which is probably true.

    But I agree, we're still young I'm sure in years gone by we will look back and think how silly we were.
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    Dec 02, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    Wow you are a nerd and I mean that in a nice way lol You're definitely over analyzing. The words 'discovering your sexuality' mean just that, jumping in and exploring what's out there and what's right for you. There's no clear path (A leads to B leads to C etc) on how to go about dating, sex or anything else, maybe you could write a plan of action on how you want to find yourself and try it out and see if it works.
    Some people have a one night stand and somehow get a relationship out of it without expecting anything but a good time so you'll surprise yourself (not necessarily that way) if something doesn't go the way you expect it to. If you're socially awkward, try a group activity so you have something in common to talk about.
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    Dec 03, 2010 7:03 AM GMT
    jim_e
    Thanks, and yeah I really am a nerd.
    I do tend to over-analyse things alot. I'll actually try out what you said and try summarise a plan of action to follow.

    I suppose it should help alot if I gave myself clearer objectives. Hopefully the end result comes through but if it doesn't, no worries I guess, but as you said it might be a good surprise in the end.