Reminding myself that I'm an Alcoholic

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    Nov 29, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    Last night, for the first time since 1988, I got drunk. I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I had it under control and that I could handle a glass of wine.

    Well, I can't, I couldn't and I can never again. Like being gay is part of my DNA, substance addiction lies alongside as its brother.

    If my foolishness last night in any way hurt any of you here on RJ, then I can do nothing but feel ashamed and hope you will accept my apology.

    My advice to everyone has been and still is, take it a day at a time. Now I need to swallow my own advice.

    And the fucking hangover is a stark reminder of my stupidity.......Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 3:43 PM GMT


    You were just fine, Vetteset (and gooshed all over the place in a way that I think you should do all the time, sans vino, but then, that's me)

    -Doug
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    Nov 29, 2010 4:42 PM GMT
    ...as one addict to another...you are not alone , nor are you above being human and that also includes making mistakes. Get back on the wagon and analyze why last night happened. Then be very aware of what set you up for the fall and don't repeat it.... It truly is a day at a time....some days in the beginning, it is a second at a time as a conscious decision to not feed the demon.
    Godzilla was a bitch to shackle and he doesn't stay under control without constant vigil. If and when he breaks loose, he can cause massive damage and destruction in our lives....be ever vigilant against his getting loose..... Godzilla is a lifetime companion and he MUST be watched and guarded.... good luck!icon_cool.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 5:02 PM GMT
    kind of funny: I got on here early this morning and read through some of your post...always interesting btw...but yeah: so what he's having wine...then like yeah, shouldn't have had the wine.
    Now go sit in the corner.
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    Nov 29, 2010 7:51 PM GMT
    Thanks gentlemen. All of what you have posted in so true. I actually can't believe that I figured I had tamed the monster Wise words that I needed to hear again.............................Today starts with sobriety....and a hangover to remind me of my folly.....................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 8:23 PM GMT
    Well, you know, a pickle can never go back to being a cucumber, but that's ok because pickles have more flavor. icon_razz.gif

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    Nov 29, 2010 8:26 PM GMT
    Lush...

    hehe

    Just because you have more years than most of us doesn't make you perfect. So you fucked up. Who cares? Enjoy the hangover and learn from it, just like you learn from any other mistake.

    *hugs&aspirin* icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 8:41 PM GMT
    When I read your thread last night I was very very concerned, and it actually hurt me due to my respect for you. Nevertheless I had no idea whatsoever how to respond so that it would be helpful to you, so I didn't. What you wrote was extremely clear and I was pretty surprised by the lack of understanding some people have about "going off the wagon" or whatever it's called.

    I'm really glad to have just found this new encouraging thread. You have too much to offer us and all, please don't piss it away.

    I didn't understand what you wrote comparing substance abuse and being gay
    ("Like being gay is part of my DNA, substance addiction lies alongside as its brother."). I sure hope you don't think being gay is comparable to abuse.

    XOX
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    Nov 29, 2010 8:49 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC saidI didn't understand what you wrote comparing substance abuse and being gay
    ("Like being gay is part of my DNA, substance addiction lies alongside as its brother.").
    Some people have a genetic predisposition to become addicted to certain things.
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    Nov 29, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    paulflexes said[...] Just because you have more years than most of us doesn't make you perfect. So you fucked up. [...] Enjoy the hangover and learn from it, just like you learn from any other mistake.
    *hugs&aspirin* icon_biggrin.gif

    Apparently this too is a learning experience!
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    Nov 29, 2010 10:58 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC saidWhen I read your thread last night I was very very concerned, and it actually hurt me due to my respect for you. Nevertheless I had no idea whatsoever how to respond so that it would be helpful to you, so I didn't. What you wrote was extremely clear and I was pretty surprised by the lack of understanding some people have about "going off the wagon" or whatever it's called.

    I'm really glad to have just found this new encouraging thread. You have too much to offer us and all, please don't piss it away.

    I didn't understand what you wrote comparing substance abuse and being gay
    ("Like being gay is part of my DNA, substance addiction lies alongside as its brother."). I sure hope you don't think being gay is comparable to abuse.

    XOX


    Buddy,
    It means what Paul said. We have certain things in our DNA that give up a predisposition to how we are. One is being gay, another is addictions. Some people can handle food and not overeat, others can take a drink and one is enough. Some smoke a doob once in a while.

    I have a predisposition to become addicted to substances, alcohol being my soup de jour.

    I believe that every thing that comes our way in life does so for a reason. The good that came out of this was to make me fully understand that one never overcomes addictions, we can only keep them at bay, and yes that is why we are always in recovery, because we are never cured.

    Thanks to all you guys for your support and love. It means more than you will know. Doug, (men in love) even telephoned me this morning to see if I was ok.....Love you guys..........................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 11:40 PM GMT
    I did notice some of your posts last night were a little feisty. But that's okay, I don't think it was so much so that you offended anyone. You've been a nice enough guy in these threads that you can get away with it. You even taught us a new acronym in one of your posts- struya (stuff the rock up your ass). That could come in useful for me in the future with bad drivers and rude service people. Nice to see you are back today as the level headed voice we need around here. The bright side of this- you see how many people here care about and respect you.
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    Nov 30, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    I have never agreed with the "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" mantra.

    I believe that there are certain "addictions" that can be overcome, and maybe without them being such bad stigmas. Someone who vows out eating cake, or drinking soda, can surely stop. But then they may eat a slice of cake or two years later. That shouldn't make them a chronic cake eater.

    I know, I know, what all of the "experts" say about alcohol. But other addictions, food addictions, also change your brain chemistry and desire for them. Our brain chemistry's are constantly changing. Once neuron paths are formed for a certain type of behavior, say drinking a glass of wine, or eating sweets, they can be hard to reroute. But they can be by consciously forcing yourself to do different things.

    I think it puts WAY too much pressure on former alcoholics if they have a drink or two much later. Some have committed suicide for the shame. There is nothing wrong with you having a glass of wine every 22 years.

    Now that you know it makes you feel shitty, have a glass of milk and cookies instead. ;-)
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    Nov 30, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    problem is vic, the glass held a bottle and a half......icon_eek.gif .......and I understand what you feel, but I know for one, finding out last night, that one glass is never enough.......

    Thanks for all the email guys, words really fail me. I am in awe.......Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Nov 30, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    hey keith... i have the same problem. we all make mistakes and i'm happy that after the fact you still want to remain sober icon_smile.gif i wish you the best, it's hard...
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    Nov 30, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    vetteset saidproblem is vic, the glass held a bottle and a half......icon_eek.gif .......and I understand what you feel, but I know for one, finding out last night, that one glass is never enough.......

    Thanks for all the email guys, words really fail me. I am in awe.......Keithicon_cool.gif


    On Thanksgiving I drank a full bottle of wine and then a 24-ounce can of beer after, but it was over like an eight-hour period with a lot of food. Still, it left me with a dry mouth and no taste buds for a day and an icky stomach. Find a way to choose something else. Like, a bowel of Fruity Pebbles at night.

    MMmmmmmmm, no grown man can resist a bowel of Fruity Pebbles. No one will look. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 30, 2010 1:59 AM GMT
    wrestlervic saidI have never agreed with the "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" mantra.


    Have you ever been physically addicted to anything?

    There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up craving a cigarette. I get the same urge when I drink coffee, eat a great meal, have sex, etc. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want a bump of meth. I no longer have withdrawals from these drugs, but the addictions are very real, and very permanent. We just find ways to avoid using again and avoid our dark little friends.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:00 AM GMT
    Hey, Keith! No need to apologize and no need to beat yourself up. Treat last night as a learning experience. You decided to see if you could drink in moderation and, well, you got your answer. I have to admit when I read the post you wrote last night, I was wondering why you had given up drinking alcohol and now it makes sense. So know that you know, stay away from the booze, okay? icon_cool.gif

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    Nov 30, 2010 2:37 AM GMT
    Being gay ain't for sissies. You can take it from us who have out living it our whole lives.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:08 AM GMT
    Pyrotech said
    wrestlervic saidI have never agreed with the "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" mantra.


    Have you ever been physically addicted to anything?

    There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up craving a cigarette. I get the same urge when I drink coffee, eat a great meal, have sex, etc. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want a bump of meth. I no longer have withdrawals from these drugs, but the addictions are very real, and very permanent. We just find ways to avoid using again and avoid our dark little friends.


    Yes I was. I drank Mountain Dew for 22 years. I craved it every single morning. Had to have it. But I found a way to stop over a three-week period.

    I started making myself drink an equal amount of water when I had the MD. Sometimes I'd switch to a Pepsi which only has 35 mg caffeine compared to 55 mg caffeine for MD. As I did this, I would occasionally reward myself with a Mountain Dew for not having a Mountain Dew. Then the distance between MD's grew and after three weeks, I couldn't stand the thought of having a MD. Not touched it since. That was about 15 years ago.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:13 AM GMT
    5ebastian said
    wrestlervic said
    Pyrotech said
    wrestlervic saidI have never agreed with the "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" mantra.


    Yes I was. I drank Mountain Dew for 22 years. I craved it every single morning. Had to have it. But I found a way to stop over a three-week period.

    I started making myself drink an equal amount of water when I had the MD. Sometimes I'd switch to a Pepsi which only has 35 mg caffeine compared to 55 mg caffeine for MD. As I did this, I would occasionally reward myself with a Mountain Dew for not having a Mountain Dew. Then the distance between MD's grew and after three weeks, I couldn't stand the thought of having a MD. Not touched it since. That was about 15 years ago.


    i love you.


    I love you too. ;-)
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:51 AM GMT
    1. Be grateful you didn't die.
    2. Go to a meeting.
    3. Call your sponsor.
    4. Get back to working your Program.
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    Nov 30, 2010 4:03 AM GMT
    wrestlervic said
    Pyrotech said
    wrestlervic saidI have never agreed with the "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" mantra.


    Have you ever been physically addicted to anything?

    There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up craving a cigarette. I get the same urge when I drink coffee, eat a great meal, have sex, etc. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want a bump of meth. I no longer have withdrawals from these drugs, but the addictions are very real, and very permanent. We just find ways to avoid using again and avoid our dark little friends.


    Yes I was. I drank Mountain Dew for 22 years. I craved it every single morning. Had to have it. But I found a way to stop over a three-week period.

    I started making myself drink an equal amount of water when I had the MD. Sometimes I'd switch to a Pepsi which only has 35 mg caffeine compared to 55 mg caffeine for MD. As I did this, I would occasionally reward myself with a Mountain Dew for not having a Mountain Dew. Then the distance between MD's grew and after three weeks, I couldn't stand the thought of having a MD. Not touched it since. That was about 15 years ago.


    Do you still drink caffeine? Mountain Dew is not physically addictive. Caffeine is. And from what your story says, you were still using rather than cutting yourself off. Congrats; you didn't quit.
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    Nov 30, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    vetteset saidLast night, for the first time since 1988, I got drunk. I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I had it under control and that I could handle a glass of wine.

    Well, I can't, I couldn't and I can never again. Like being gay is part of my DNA, substance addiction lies alongside as its brother.

    If my foolishness last night in any way hurt any of you here on RJ, then I can do nothing but feel ashamed and hope you will accept my apology.

    My advice to everyone has been and still is, take it a day at a time. Now I need to swallow my own advice.

    And the fucking hangover is a stark reminder of my stupidity.......Keithicon_cool.gif


    Yeah they say that it doesn't matter how long it has been since you had a drink that if you do pick up drinking again, it'll be like you never stopped.
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    Nov 30, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    Pyrotech said
    wrestlervic said
    Pyrotech said
    wrestlervic saidI have never agreed with the "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic" mantra.


    Have you ever been physically addicted to anything?

    There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wake up craving a cigarette. I get the same urge when I drink coffee, eat a great meal, have sex, etc. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want a bump of meth. I no longer have withdrawals from these drugs, but the addictions are very real, and very permanent. We just find ways to avoid using again and avoid our dark little friends.


    Yes I was. I drank Mountain Dew for 22 years. I craved it every single morning. Had to have it. But I found a way to stop over a three-week period.

    I started making myself drink an equal amount of water when I had the MD. Sometimes I'd switch to a Pepsi which only has 35 mg caffeine compared to 55 mg caffeine for MD. As I did this, I would occasionally reward myself with a Mountain Dew for not having a Mountain Dew. Then the distance between MD's grew and after three weeks, I couldn't stand the thought of having a MD. Not touched it since. That was about 15 years ago.


    Do you still drink caffeine? Mountain Dew is not physically addictive. Caffeine is. And from what your story says, you were still using rather than cutting yourself off. Congrats; you didn't quit.


    Boy, are you challenging me? ;-)

    No, I only have a small amount of caffeine soda during the week. I drink a ton of water now. I'm peeing all the time. There's a big difference between drinking 32 ounces of soda a day, and 32 ounces of soda a week. You should try it with your addiction to coffee. See if you can have only two cups a week, other days water or juice.