Advice

  • JonPk

    Posts: 132

    Nov 29, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    I need advice. Over the weekend my mother asked me If I was gay. She said If I am, I am never allowed around the family again. I didn't say anything. She also said that she will never trust me again if she finds out if I'm gay. I don't know what to do. I don't have too many friends and I love my family very much. Any advice?
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    Nov 29, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    Well your 24 and are you gay? You should know and if you are, then accept yourself and be prepared to not be accepted by your family once you do decide to come out.

    My parents rejected me when I came out as a bisexual when I was 15. It was the hardest thing for me... It took them less than 20 years to accept it.

    But they eventually did accept it... My opinion is to go a head and tell her. No matter what she says she will still love you.

    Good luck
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    Nov 29, 2010 4:36 PM GMT
    Hate to say it but she already has some idea, or she would not have said such a thing. She wants to live in denial and needs you to enable her; it happens time and time again.
    Only you can decide if it is worth the drama. I chose not to for many years, taking the mutual "don't ask don't tell" route till they got tired of being cut out of my life and finally excepted it.
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    Nov 29, 2010 4:36 PM GMT
    What can you do at this point? Your mother would not have said it the thought you might be gay was not already in her head. You said you didn't say anything. By you not responding right away when she said it, you have created more doubt in her head even if you try to deny it now. She is wondering and so sooner or later you are going to have to tell her. While there are some horror stories, most parents eventually come around and accept their gay child. If you are on your own, my advice is to come out now. Despite what your mother says, in the back of her mind she already knows.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Nov 29, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    Personally I think it was wise you said nothing. You know your situation
    currently... can you afford (and have the social support) to live on your own apart from your family? If the answer is no, you were probably prudent in
    remaining silent.

    Some here will disagree with me and say you should have told her the truth based on principle. I think they should know the truth, but at a time of your choosing (you dictate the time and terms, not your mother). If you had said so, you would be at a severe disadvantage. Just make definitive steps to a day when you are self sufficient (socially as well), tell them and move on with your "established" life.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 29, 2010 4:47 PM GMT
    I agree with HndsmKansas.....until you can afford to be on your own....it's best to stay silent or not affirm. Staying with friends doesn't always work and Rescue Missions are not that pleasant also. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 4:58 PM GMT
    Buddy my heart goes out to you for sure !!! I have elderly parents who I know by their statements that they wonder. Mom recently died and dad has made one negative slam after another about gays, I have to wonder whats behind them, but I'm not stupid enough to think I can change opinions of an 80 year old red neck. So I just keep my mouth shut like I do when he gets started about my lack of religion. To my way of thinking bringing the violent drama about by telling him anything just isn't worth it. In your case you have a lifetime in front of you, perhaps it would be best to just bite the bullet early on to avoid years and years of questions. If she really would turn you away then let her go that route, I'll bet that it won't last long because she's in a different generation where there are a lot more open minded people amongst her peers than the previous generation. Be the bigger man and don't let yourself take it personal, let it be her problem by treating her well in spite of whatever she does. I wish I had done that 20 years ago, but its too late now, moms gone and dads dealing with her loss and its no time to add to the problems.
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    Nov 29, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    It is so terribly sad , that parents could still react this way icon_eek.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gif, this is not anymore the 1950's ....
    it is difficult for me to give you an advice , because i didn't have to go thru that dilemna , but there are a lot of good advices in this thread , read them , and go with the one you are the more comfortable with ..
    I feel for you , and wish you the best ...icon_smile.gif
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 29, 2010 5:06 PM GMT
    dragondevil saidMy opinion is to go a head and tell her. No matter what she says she will still love you.

    Good luck



    And if he is currently living with his parents as many 24 year old young men are....and he is told to leave.....while his mom is reconciling her feelings about his being gay...where does he go? icon_confused.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    malefeet said
    dragondevil saidMy opinion is to go a head and tell her. No matter what she says she will still love you.

    Good luck



    And if he is currently living with his parents as many 24 year old young men are....and he is told to leave.....while his mom is reconciling her feelings about his being gay...where does he go? icon_confused.gif



    I have to say, malefeet, I don't disagree with you or HndsmKansas that the OP needs to do whatever it takes to survive even if that means keeping silent about his orientation. However, when his mother brought it up, that was not the time to remain silent. I would go so far as to say that the OP should have denied being gay if he is dependent on her. I know some people say lying is never a good thing, but he really has been doing it his whole life so what would be wrong with going a little longer? It is something that all of us who are gay have done for some period in our lives, even chucky, who I suspect if he comes into this thread is going to tell the poor kid being in the closet is for cowards, wimps, and liars (and that he needs to eat more). I'm just saying by not addressing it at the time his mother brought up the issue, he may have come very close to admitting he was gay and only reinforced what was already in the back of her mind. I think many of us can remember that notorious Barbra Walters interview of Ricky Martin many years ago before he came out when she asked him if he was gay. His response was something along the lines of "I don't discuss my personal life." It was really as good as saying he was gay.
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    Nov 29, 2010 6:07 PM GMT
    Man I would hate to have that mother icon_razz.gif! Your a big boy now, just tell her and tell her its your fault you born me out! Tell her that and make her feel bad so she can accept you cause its her fault! The blame game always work!icon_biggrin.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    I feel for ya buddy.

    I'm in a similar situation which has dragged out for this long..Until you are sure footed and can manage a life independently, do what you gotta do.

    Family is something that is really hard to let go. But when there is a will there is a way.

    Hit me up if you need to talk sometime. Believe me mothers are against you is more heart breaking than I feel fathers are cause, after all, she gave 'birth' to you so there is more of the emotional attachment.

    Be safe buddy
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    Nov 29, 2010 7:21 PM GMT
    mate! How long can you be quiet or pretend.you have to come out some day or other. this is your call mate. I pray god to give you all strength.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Nov 29, 2010 7:25 PM GMT
    A_1991 said The blame game always work!icon_biggrin.gif



    You have got to be joking.....icon_eek.gif
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    Nov 29, 2010 7:29 PM GMT
    VenkyJock saidmate! How long can you be quiet or pretend.you have to come out some day or other. this is your call mate. I pray god to give you all strength.


    Its not easy to just call it out. If life was easy then we wouldn't have this discussion more less than even have this site.

    Until he can find a way, then one has to respect whatever decision he has to make about the matter.
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    Nov 29, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    Whatever you decide, save yourself a lot of hurt whether your in the house under her roof or out on your own. Hatefull words from her or other family members or friends cannot do you any harm unless you let them, Keep in your head these facts, You have no choice to be gay, it happened, so love yourself, settle it in your mind to choose to be happy with yourself, nomatter what the outside world thinks. Then whatever is said about you, nomatter who is saying it, they are merely showing their ignorance and throwing out opinions in the form of hot air crossing their lips, you don't need anyones opinions or approval for something as personal as your sexuality. Look at all hate directed at you as totally their problem not yours, Doing so is for self preservation its necessary to servive while holding your head up high. The best to you while you got through this.
  • JonPk

    Posts: 132

    Dec 01, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    What did you decide?

    For what it's worth, I agree with most that, depending on your situation, you need to remain quiet.

    Unfortunately, sometimes the closet is the best option. Not a good one, but the best one for the short term anyway.
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:36 AM GMT
    zarin saidWhat did you decide?

    For what it's worth, I agree with most that, depending on your situation, you need to remain quiet.

    Unfortunately, sometimes the closet is the best option. Not a good one, but the best one for the short term anyway.


    ...until you move out. Then you call the shots. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    (I so love Zarin's posts!)
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:48 AM GMT
    You can tell us.

    You can't tell them.

    Not now anyway and maybe never.

    Sadly to be accepted is not an easy thing or
    one to be rushed.

    If they can't love you for you...WE CAN AND WILL!!

    ALOHA!
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    "ALOHA! "


    omg...is THAT where you are?

    (this is too cool!)

    -Doug
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:53 AM GMT
    Just checked your profile.

    wow.

  • tyler_helm

    Posts: 299

    Dec 01, 2010 3:59 AM GMT
    Lies beget Lies. Part of being true to yourself is that you are honest with those you love and love you. Part of being an adult is the ability and willingness to stand and be counted.
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    Dec 01, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    tyler_helm saidLies beget Lies. Part of being true to yourself is that you are honest with those you love and love you. Part of being an adult is the ability and willingness to stand and be counted.


    Maturity is also about being able to adjust to what you can't change, and not put yourself in unsafe situation.

    If the OP mother love is conditional, it's perfecly ok for the op, morally, to wait until he no longer need the not so unconditional protection of his family.

    Elves wisdom : Elves never give advices, because they are not the one to assume the consequences of their advices