Dropping pronouns a sign of being closeted?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 1:55 AM GMT
    Hey guys, just had lunch with a kid I knew in middle school and it went really well. We haven't seen each other since then, but it was a tiny school and we were best friends from like 3rd grade on to 8th, so it wasn't too awkward. Anyways he's grown up to be really chill, interesting and kind of cute. I noticed his Facebook profile says he's into women, but during the lunch he said, "I was on a date with someone, and they said [whatever we were talking about]." He also slightly stammered before the "someone". I just thought it was suspicious that he used two obviously gender neutral pronouns instead of saying "date with this chick" and "she said" (or even one of the two). Thoughts?

    Oh, and he doesn't know I'm gay, out to most of my close friends but not all. I'm seriously considering grabbing a drink with him and dropping that I'm gay though.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:37 AM GMT
    That's a really good linguistic concept. That's thesis material.

    -He could possibly not drop names because it's a girl/guy you know.

    -He could possibly not drop names because of his sexuality.

    How many of us do this? THESIS.....Ding.Ding.Ding.

    How many of us do this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:42 AM GMT
    Grab a drink with him. I betcha this "someone" was a dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:44 AM GMT
    From your account there was hesitation, and that probably either means someone you know or a guy.

    Come out to him and see what happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:44 AM GMT
    lol yeah i get a dude vibe. just tell him about you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    If you are already out what is stopping you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:47 AM GMT
    Was that other guy trying to be patronizing? I'm too tired to even analyse.

    Anyways about your question. I personally feel that he could be hiding that he's gay. When I wasn't out I would used to say 'I fancy someone' or 'I'm just so embarrassed I don't want to say who it is' to keep it as gender neutral as possible. I was very comfortable with being gay, always have been, but I didn't want to lie to my friends saying I had a crush on this girl when I didn't.

    Yeah just mention or slightly suggest that you're gay since you're already out. My favorite phrase is 'I'm not actually into girls' cos I feel sometimes the word 'gay' is a bit powerful and has a lot of conceptualized meanings behind the word. The word 'gay' tends to have a few negative associations in other people's minds.

    Wishing you luck. The main thing is not to read too much into it though. I've done that before; I've fallen for a straight guy in the past and it was a living hell.

    Anyways the best of luck =)
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    Nov 30, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    This has my curiosity piqued! Keep us updated, please!
  • BizzQuik

    Posts: 116

    Nov 30, 2010 3:00 AM GMT
    From a guy who use to do this he could be closeted. My grandma noticed it the most before I came out. I would talk about "friends". They would never be male or female or even have names. So it could very easily be he is closeted. It is something you do to not raise suspicion but yet it still does because it is weird to not use pronouns.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:02 AM GMT
    So typically European, specifically, Romance languages:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-neutral_pronounAll languages allow the speaker to specify whether one is talking about a male or female, but some languages do not require the speaker to make that choice as an intrinsic part of the language.[2] In some languages, pronouns do not distinguish between genders, so gender equity of pronouns is not relevant. This category includes many East Asian languages (see below) as well as the Finno-Ugric languages


    There's a whole table of invented English pronouns that are gender-neutral.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Nov 30, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    How do you describe a hot fuck you picked up on the weekend, when you're telling peopel at work? Someone I met at a bar! He'd probably be happier if you were talking to him about being gay instead of yapping about him online.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:13 AM GMT
    I'm wondering about this too.

    It seems guys in the closet or bi guys would use gender neutral wording when talking about people. I always did it back when I was closeted and hesitated a bit when talking about dating "someone".

    Usually (but not always) when a straight guy talks about a girlfriend he'll refer to her as "girlfriend" or "I'm dating/ dated this girl", etc... Gender neutral terms leave it open as to whether it's a guy or a girl and these days you never know.

    Keep us posted, he should be fine with you being gay if he is a true friend.
  • DjDuge

    Posts: 6

    Nov 30, 2010 3:25 AM GMT
    Well, when I'm around my straight friends and I am telling stories, even though I'm out, I do some of the same thing. Kind of more to not overly remind them that I'm gay since I know they are strongly religious. I believe it becomes natural if your in the closet to do this without even thinking bout it. He might be like you, out to other ppl but not sure about you, so he is trying to be cautious.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 30, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    You're probably right
    and my curiosity would def mean inviting him out for a drink
    and slyly dropping the bomb that I was gay

    You'll probably get a full confession because closeted guys are always looking for clear signals
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:39 AM GMT
    Yeah, I figured this would be the consensus. Like some of you, the only other thing I was thinking could be up is that it was somebody that we both knew, but like I said our middle school was tiny and nobody is in the area that would fit. We're grabbing a beer at some point and I'll put it out there I'm gay and see where it goes.

    Oh, to those asking why it's such a big deal if I'm out, I'm not completely out. I'm out to about 10ish people or so (mixture of friends and family) and I'm coming out to people approximately once a week or so. I started with the ones I knew would take it easiest, and am leaving the "toughies" for last so I can at least rally my supportive friends and family members if they get intense. So the only reason I'm being cautious is because I want to make sure that I get the chance to tell everybody personally rather than them hearing it on the grapevine.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    I can relate. I used to do this in High school a lot. And at work when I was a co-op. I would use gender neutral words all the time so that I wasn't lying when I told people I was going out with a friend to a club.

    Even now, I'm out to my team and a few others, but i still catch myself not fully coming out. I would make a comment like "I want no kids!" and anotehr guy would say, "don't let your girlfriend hear you say that!". I would laugh it off and say, "they don't care".

    There's a Christmas party at work and I plan on bringing my boyfriend Dan. Someone the other day asked me if I was bringing my girlfriend (i may have mentioned I was seeing "someone"), and I answered, "Yeah I'm bringing a date."

    I somehow say it without thinking. I did it all through high school so, I'm just so used to saying things like that. Around my team at work, I just say his name. Like, "It's Dan's birthday this Friday and I bought him a coach wallet."
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 30, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    Oh, to those asking why it's such a big deal if I'm out, I'm not completely out.

    Then this is what I do if I'm curious about a guy and I don't wanna spill the beans about being gay

    I will steer the conversation to something that only a gay man would know
    ..... I will say that I met some friends at a bar or a club that is known only by gay guys
    Believe me - str8 guys don't know any gay bars

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    Ah, the ol' pronoun game. I once was a player - lol. While it's not a sure sign, it is intriguing and you may very well be correct. I say come out to him and see what happens. At the very least it will give you practice revealing your sexuality subtly through conversation, somthing straight folks do all the time without thinking about it (which is probably why his gender nutral pronouns stood out to you).

    Just one way of looking at lifes little curiosities/problems as opportunities for personal growth.

    Good luck man!
  • tony_boost

    Posts: 390

    Nov 30, 2010 4:53 AM GMT
    he's totally queer
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 4:54 AM GMT
    q1w2e3 saidSo typically European, specifically, Romance languages:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender-neutral_pronounAll languages allow the speaker to specify whether one is talking about a male or female, but some languages do not require the speaker to make that choice as an intrinsic part of the language.[2] In some languages, pronouns do not distinguish between genders, so gender equity of pronouns is not relevant. This category includes many East Asian languages (see below) as well as the Finno-Ugric languages


    There's a whole table of invented English pronouns that are gender-neutral.


    And Georgian - there are no gender pronouns at all. "He" and "she" (and "it") are the same word, so is "his", "her".

    Just sayin' cause I'm just a giant nerd like that
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 04, 2010 3:19 AM GMT
    Interesting. I'm guilty of using these gender-neutral pronouns as well. And I'm sure some people find it a little odd...
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    Dec 05, 2010 4:05 AM GMT
    Interesting, going through the same thing with a friend of mine who's status on Fb is "on a relationship" yet its not linked to anyone, I know he has been with "her" for like forever and yet they dont have pictures together

    ohh he has a high amount of gay friends. I figured it would be uncomfterble to ask him, so instead Im telling him about me, he can share if he wants, meeting him latter this week.

    My only concern its that he would think Im telling him because I like him :S
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 05, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    Was this a one time reunion or are you planning to renew the friendship?

    If the first, then drop it.

    If the second, then take some time with this and give him time to catch you up on his life since middle school.

    Or is there some compelling reason beyond plain curiosity to know?
  • jimjock

    Posts: 278

    Dec 05, 2010 4:51 AM GMT
    Well it may be an indicator of even greater importance than his sexuality.

    It could be relative to his character. He may not be comfortable with lying and uses the ambiguous or gender neutral rather than misleading you.

    I would do this professionally and personally until it became important or appropriate to share.

    Time will tell.. hope you will too..
    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2010 5:08 AM GMT
    if you put that much effort into being vague then you are definitely gay.