In a relationship but he wants to experiment

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 3:41 PM GMT
    Hey guys, I need some advice about relationships, specifically from the wise and sage older guys who've been there done that.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and things are wonderful. We've agreed from the beginning to always have an open dialog and communicate how we're feeling.

    Yesterday we had a pretty lengthy discussion about our relationship where specifically he mentioned how even though he loves me very much he's not sure that he's fulfilled that need to just have fun especially having gone from one relationship to another so quickly.

    He said he wants to make sure when he picks someone for the long haul that it's right, also that we're still in our youth and should take advantage of it. He also mentioned being curious about stuff like having a threesome, basically experiment some. However, this isn't something he wants to do now, and doesn't want to break up and says he loves me. He said he was just letting me know where his mind goes every now and then. After this talk he mentioned how letting me know all this made him feel closer to me and kept saying how much he loved me.

    Even though out discussion was pretty mature and respectful and while part of me really appreciates the honestly. I've also been curious about many of the same things he has (threesome, sex with a different type) but there's this other half of me that still holds on to the idea of "true love" and "only having eyes for you" sort of thinking.

    I don't think he's suggesting an open relationship but I'm not really sure where to go from here. Do I just wait until he gets this urge to act on these feelings, wait things out, spice things up?

    Basically I'm let sorta confused wishing I had a gay fairy god mother who dispenses advice whenever I need it. But hopefully you guys can be the next best thing.

    Thanks.
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    Nov 30, 2010 4:09 PM GMT

    OK , I'll try. Bill and I are god-parents out here in the visceral world to my niece and nephew. Being gay guys, this makes us real fairy god-fathers.

    so with that in mind...

    "I've also been curious about many of the same things he has (threesome, sex with a different type) but there's this other half of me that still holds on to the idea of "true love" and "only having eyes for you" sort of thinking."

    Did you tell him this? Because you should.

    -Doug
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    Nov 30, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    I did tell him I've been curious. We talked about possibly trying a threesome at some point just to quench that curiosity.

    However as curious as I'd be to try something new as a couple (ex: threesome as a one time experiment) I also know I'm the type who'd become jealous if other people were involved in our relationship and I made that clear during our talk, I can pretty safely say something like an open relationship isn't right for me.

    I prefer having someone I love and have a deep emotional bond with over some hot random that I could care less about and who could care less about me.

    I just know that he communicated the fact that he may not have fully exercised his need to be promiscuous before commuting to something more permanent. Despite reiterating how this talk made him feel even closer to me and how much he loved me...

    So do I stay, go with it, try things together, break up. I hate being in such an uneasy and unsure state icon_sad.gif
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    Nov 30, 2010 6:09 PM GMT

    "So do I stay, go with it, try things together, break up. I hate being in such an uneasy and unsure state."

    In my own experiences it never worked out ( I'm wired for monogamy), but I decided that trying it was better than breaking up. I had a couple of big relationships that wanted to do this. Heck I could always break up later. It was interesting, sometimes fun, sometimes not, but in the end we went our separate ways. Still remained friends though, good friends.



    -Doug

    PS one of my exes that I did this with went on to meet someone after we ended things amicably. They went through a period of swinging, then settled back down. They're together to this day, 27 years later!
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    Nov 30, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    Just take care of the relationship mate while you are in a relationship. Life is very unpredictable and so try all your curiosities when you are not in a relationship. relationship is more than sex, loving and caring. do not lose it if everything is at peace.
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    Nov 30, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    Hey Venky, it's his BF that really wants this. Cudow is just curious.

    -Doug
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Nov 30, 2010 6:21 PM GMT
    I think it's great you guys are openly discussing your feelings and desires. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. If you guys choose to experiment together or even opt for a 'free pass' period, then you can do that and then decide to be with only each other afterwards.


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    Nov 30, 2010 6:27 PM GMT
    thanks guys! I'm all for nurturing a relationship. It's just tough when the other person says they sometimes think what would it be like to have sex with someone else.

    At the end of the day if I had a secure feeling that we were in this together, loved each other unconditionally I'd be more open to trying a random thing once in a while, like a threesome. It's just having the lurking question of him wanting to do things on his own that make me uneasy and question things. That conversation didn't instill much confidence in me about how strong our relationship is. Yet from his perspective he feels it has because we're able to talk about everything together and therefore there's less chance of underlining resentment building up over unexpressed thoughts/feelings.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 30, 2010 6:28 PM GMT
    meninlove said Hey Venky, it's his BF that really wants this. Cudow is just curious.

    -Doug

    my bad icon_smile.gif their was so much adrenaline in me to not see a relationship break.
    I wish you all good cudow.

    And by all means, you know me right doug, why i value a relationship.
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    Nov 30, 2010 7:48 PM GMT
    Thanks Venky!

    You're right Timberoo, I think sometimes I tend to be very all or nothing when it comes to relationships. Maybe if I relent a bit and allow for some breathing room we can develop a more healthy relationship where neither person feels cornered. Just have to prevent my ego from standing in the way.
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    Nov 30, 2010 9:06 PM GMT
    Well, Bill and I are all or nothing people, but that came later, after we'd been in relationships with men who weren't. It was the exploration that decided each of us.
    Then we met.

    That said, there are some couples that have, together, explored open relationships in the sense of 'play together only' for awhile, then gone back to monogamy. And there are some couples that have had completely open relationships for awhile (anything goes) and then returned to monogamy.

    No one can predict what the outcome is.

    Anything's possible. It depends entirely on the two people involved.

    -Doug
  • oyoung

    Posts: 97

    Nov 30, 2010 9:29 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]
    No one can predict what the outcome is.

    Anything's possible. It depends entirely on the two people involved.

    -Doug [/quote]

    If both of you are curious, how can one persuade the other not to do it? When you really feel secure, it might be a good time to try; otherwise, hold it for a bit.

    As Doug said, Any outcome is possible.
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    Dec 01, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    Doug I know in the end, whoever I end up with I want it to be a monogamous loving relationship. It's so awesome and inspiring to see a gay couple who've found that.

    Maybe this is just one of those growing pains this relationship needs to go through to be strengthened, or maybe it's just a relationship that's meant to last for a bit and be over, another learning experience.

    Any outcome is possible, and that's the scary thing. I've never been very good with uncertainty, even though that's what most of life is. I know there's no such thing as a sure thing despite my desire for there to be.

    Looks like I'll just roll with it for now...
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    Dec 01, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    That reminds me of this old song:



    When life is too much, roll with it, baby
    Don't stop and lose your touch, oh no, baby
    Hard times knocking on your door, I'll tell them you ain't there no more
    Get on through it, roll with it, baby
    Luck'll come and then slip away, you've gotta move, bring it back to stay

    You just roll with it, baby, come on and just roll with it, baby
    You and me, roll with it, baby, hang on and just roll with it, baby

    The way that you love is good as money
    I swear by stars above, sweet as honey

    People think you're down and out, you show them what it's all about
    You can make it, roll with it, baby
    When this world turns its back on you, hang in and do that sweet thing you do

    You just roll with it, baby, you just roll with it, baby
    Come on and just roll with it, baby, you and me, just roll with it, baby

    Now there'll be a day you'll get there, baby, you'll hear the music play, you'll dance, baby
    You'll leave bad times way behind, nothing but good times on your mind
    You can do it, roll with it, baby
    Then you'll see life will be so nice, it's just a step up to paradise
    You just roll with it, baby, you just roll with it, baby

    You and me, just roll with it, baby, Come on and just roll with it, baby
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2010 1:02 AM GMT


    "I know there's no such thing as a sure thing despite my desire for there to be."

    Yes there is, if we're any indication, and there are lots of others on RJ, for example. They're just not as prolific with the posts, like us. icon_wink.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    If it is something you are both curious about, then I say do it. But only do it as a test. Tell yourself you are doing it only to see how your feelings will be towards the situation. If it ends up being awful, then you learned from the experience and move on. Curiosity can be something that eats you up inside. Just listen to what your gut says, and make your relationship one that works for you both, not one by the books. people can tell you how to have a relationship all your life, but experiencing ups and downs can really help you understand what kind of relationship you thrive in. gotta be strong through this and help each other through the process.
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    Dec 01, 2010 1:21 AM GMT
    Why don't u invite over some of your most sexy friends.. and make sure they are wearing tight tank tops......and go out to a movie or something.
    The idea is for you to have fun and build confidence... childish, well maybe.
    Obvious, yeah.
    Sometimes 'unfulfilled' people need a dose of reality, that their partner really has 'options' and suddenly the thought of losing you might register and the thought that you really are a GREAT catch....

    Another idea is mention that you want to be open minded, but you'd rather have him all to yourself. Sometimes, laying down the law helps in a relationship and even though he realizes you maybe insecure, the fact that you are confident and bold may be a big and pleasant surprise.

    You could mention that it's possible to increase 'fulfillment' in many areas in a relationship, such as projects, goals, romance, surprise and more colorful sex just between the two of you.

    Your partner seems almost afraid to broach the subject. Nobody likes the tidied down feeling so make sure he knows he can leave the relationship and the sky will not fall. Given the choice, he may choose more wisely.

    PS.. I am far from expert.. just wanted to give another view
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    Dec 01, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    It can be dangerous to introduce an external character in the middle of any relationship. I know it's all for the experience of doing it and have fun but you can't really predict how the other guy joining the fun and intimacy can possibly affect you and your boyfriend by transmitting his thoughts, experiences and simply being another human being.

    On the other hand, providing yourself or your boy from doing those things u always waned to try can evolve into an obsession at an older age. Sadly for our society standards there are certain sexual experiments and even misakes that can pass behind the "he is young and learning" curtain but will be labeled as creepy and gross once you hit a certain age.

    You both seem to be sharing some sexual fantasies and it could be fun to try and experiment them now that you're young but at the same time they will represent a risk to the quality of your relationship internally, and for others to judge. Nobody has the right to dictate how you and your boyfriend should live your lives, u know him better than we do and he knows you better than we do as well. Seems like you two have a great communication cause trust me no many couples dare to share such thoughts. There's nothing wrong when you both agree.
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    Dec 01, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    I predict this topic is going to turn into a flame war between Monogamous vs. Open Relationship aficionados!! although I have a strong feeling the OP already knows what he wants, he may just be looking for some reassurance!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Dec 01, 2010 2:02 AM GMT
    I've been through such experiences, and I can tell that in my case it destroyed my relationship. We were together for 4 years, and he wanted to top, but I wasn't prepared for that at that time.

    We tried a couple of times, and had no success in doing so. Then I told him I wouldn't get upset if he tried that out with other guys. And then he started dating.

    It wasn't a big deal, since he loved me and these guys didn't mean that much to him... But then, he met a very handsome singer and fell in love with him. This guy told him he couldn't stand our relationship, so my bf broke with me.

    It's been 3 years and since then I haven't found anyone who could be as perfect as he was to me at that time.

    I don't feel anything for him now, we're just friends, I had other guys, I've already succeeded in bottoming, but haven't found mister right guy yet.
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    Dec 01, 2010 2:32 AM GMT
    cudow saidthanks guys! I'm all for nurturing a relationship. It's just tough when the other person says they sometimes think what would it be like to have sex with someone else.

    At the end of the day if I had a secure feeling that we were in this together, loved each other unconditionally I'd be more open to trying a random thing once in a while, like a threesome. It's just having the lurking question of him wanting to do things on his own that make me uneasy and question things. That conversation didn't instill much confidence in me about how strong our relationship is. Yet from his perspective he feels it has because we're able to talk about everything together and therefore there's less chance of underlining resentment building up over unexpressed thoughts/feelings.



    He confided something he knew might make you unhappy : it means he trust you, and value your relationship. don't feel insecure about that part.

    It seems his desire to explore different aspect of sexuality is stronger than your.
    You share some fetish, but you think you could manage without exploring them, and fear he desires them more than he admitted, to preserve your feelings.

    It's a complicated problem, because, yes, there is risk for your relationship if you decide to 'play around', but also risk for it if one of you need to fight desire to the point it become obsession and lead to cheating impulse.

    But I'm certain you will be fine, because you are handling things rigth : communication, openness on feelings, desire to find the best solution for both. And taking advices ;-)

    I see no egoism in his attitude or in yours. You will likely find a common ground, and if you choose an option that turns wrong, you seems equipped to also manage that properly.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2010 2:59 AM GMT
    This is soooo familiar. As others have said, talking about it is essential. I assume he has not had experiences with many men, because I have also felt the way he has. Early in a very long relationship (15 years) I was inexperienced and always wondered what I gave up and compromised on because I happened to fall in love with one of the first guys I met. When things were going great this didn't matter, and I realized there is always someone better looking, smarter, yada yada so clearly the road to happiness does not involve constant boyfriend upgrades because it never ends!

    But now that the relationship ended, I do not regret the relationship, but I do wish I better understood the range of options available early on. This may have led me elsewhere, but it may also have made us appreciate what we had that much more.
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:02 AM GMT
    Have to agree with Minox. The fact that he is willing to be upfront with you about how he feels is a good thing. Maybe the two of you could agree that since you aren't talking about actually opening up the relationship at this point, that until either one of you brings it up again, you can both safely assume the relationship will remain monogamous and that won't change until you both talk it out. No relationship expert here - just my thoughts about it. Good luck to you.
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    The resemblance to a time period in my relationship is uncanny. I was your boyfriend. The option of a threesome was totally on the table and we were both down to do it we decided, but no one really took initiative. I don't think we both really wanted it. But the fact that there was no leash may have made closer. What's the old metaphor.. the mind is like an elephant, if you try to tie to a post it will go into a rage but you leave it be it will graze peacefully by you.


    Idk you get the idea...


    Elephants...
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    Dec 01, 2010 3:15 AM GMT


    "What's the old metaphor.. the mind is like an elephant, if you try to tie to a post it will go into a rage but you leave it be it will graze peacefully by you. "


    Wow, I like!

    -Doug