suburban married men? really?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 10:24 PM GMT
    ok. here's the deal. my best friend, her husband and two kids (my godchildren) live in a very nice suburb. i spend a lot of time with them at various school functions for the kids, parties at their house, etc. at these events, an odd (to me) phenomenon occurs - some of the married men engage in a conversation with me, which will often contain those awkward silences, as if there's something more they really want to say, but can't. This is often followed, or precluded by, the "laugh and touch" - their hand on my chest or shoulder, while laughing uncomfortably.

    my gaydar is pretty spot on and i can tell when someone's interested or flirting or whatever. it's the whole married man thing that throws me. i love a DILTF as much as the next guy, but come on - you're married and have kids.

    i was at my godson's baseball game yesterday and one of the dad's kept touching me like he knew me and we'd only just met.

    has anyone else experienced this?

    AND YES - i'm sure they don't live in a gOy compound! ;)
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Mar 17, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    What's a DILTF? A lot of gay men who are uncomfortable with themselves as you know, will get married for either societal acceptance, religious acceptance, etc. They probably are attracted to you and don't know what to say. There could even be a group of them that knows about each other and may want to bring you in to the mix. That's the price for HOTNESS!!! icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 17, 2008 10:58 PM GMT
    DILTF = Dad I'd Like To Fuck
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    Mar 17, 2008 11:05 PM GMT
    I know what you mean niceandsmooth, I'm just recently out and only to my wife (NO ONE else knows). I was at a house warming party yesterday (wife didn't come until after her work was over) and I talked to a guy there that placed his hand on my shoulder several times. I felt very uncomfortable but I liked it....a weird feeling. Now I don't know about this guy because, like you, I had only met him 10 minutes prior but his wife was there and his former wife was there so it's not like we were alone or anything. I think he was just a touchy guy I guess.

    Speaking as a married man who was closeted for 22 yrs of marriage, I seldom had the balls to touch a guy and if i did, I knew him well. I'm guessing he's a touchy feeling guy that would probably consider playing given the opportunity (and then probably suffer from the guilt afterwards).

    Hope that helps some.
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    Mar 17, 2008 11:07 PM GMT
    I should have mentioned that if I were next to you and had the opportunity, I'd probably touch you too! LOL you are a nicely built man... any guy worth his own would want to touch that!
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Mar 17, 2008 11:11 PM GMT
    Plenty of them here. Where gay life are not accepted and considered a sin. What can they do? They cannot accept themselves, they suppressed their feeling , they are told they be going to hell when they die. Flirting, fantasizing and acting strange is about all they can do.
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    Mar 17, 2008 11:19 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidI know what you mean niceandsmooth, I'm just recently out and only to my wife (NO ONE else knows). I was at a house warming party yesterday (wife didn't come until after her work was over) and I talked to a guy there that placed his hand on my shoulder several times. I felt very uncomfortable but I liked it....a weird feeling. Now I don't know about this guy because, like you, I had only met him 10 minutes prior but his wife was there and his former wife was there so it's not like we were alone or anything. I think he was just a touchy guy I guess.

    Speaking as a married man who was closeted for 22 yrs of marriage, I seldom had the balls to touch a guy and if i did, I knew him well. I'm guessing he's a touchy feeling guy that would probably consider playing given the opportunity (and then probably suffer from the guilt afterwards).

    Hope that helps some.


    eb925 - thanks for your candor. i guess my confusion/surprise is i've heard plenty of stories about closeted married men, yet actually seeing some part of it play out, with me as an unwitting participant was/is strange for me. i am SO not judging. we each have our reasons for what we do and i am in NO position to decide what's right or wrong for another person.
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    Mar 17, 2008 11:35 PM GMT
    Physical embrace (touchy feely) doesn't necessarily mean they are gay. Come off it. It really bugs me when another gay man says he has spot on gaydar. Could be that these married men are just friendly and that maybe they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable and accept you for who you are. Don't cheapen the moment by assumming they are gay and that they wanna have sex with you just because they are bit friendly. most striaght men are very touchy feely anyway since it's a bonding. You would be surprised how mentally curious men are about how gays work. They don't want to have sex but rather they just want to understand a gay person and they love clearing up old myths that come along with being gay. I personally found that alot of married men are touchy feely towards gays because they feel we like the physical contact. I told them it's the same as a "good game" or a regular hand shake and doesn't have any sexual meaning. Unless they touch you on your ass in passing or grazed your crotch I wouldn't get your hopes up. It's an innocent gesture...don't put so much stock into it.

    As for guys touching you. You are old enough to know what you do and do not like. If you don't like being touched you should voice your concern on the subject. I doubt these married men will be offended by it. I'm gonna say they aren't gay and are just trying to make you feel comfortable as well as themselves. If they are gay then they realize they have can't have what they want and take what little comfort they can get simply by being next to another gay man. If you want to get your info then simply spark up a convo that might make them blush and watch as they pop a semi. Then get up and say something casual like "I'm gonna outside for air to get away from the crowd" or something like that and see if he follows. If he does, then you have half your answer. Now that you guys are alone and you can get some more answers from them and *bingo* you've confirmed your answer through confrontation. Works every time.

    I've expereinced this several times and I most say I was completely surprised that none of them were gay and they all did nearly the exact same things as you discribed, NicenSmooth. Since you know they are married and you know you won't do anything with them because of that (and the kids) then it shouldn't bother you unless you want something to happen.

    Hope everything works out for you.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 11:41 PM GMT
    "Could be that these married men are just friendly and that maybe they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable and accept you for who you are."

    The best way to find out is to simply say "please, either stop doing that or do it all the way because it's making my dick hard." I'll bet more than one will go "all the way".
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    Mar 17, 2008 11:44 PM GMT
    Exactly...LOL.
    McGay, you're awesome.

    Playful banter and witty suggestion works wonders when you want answers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:05 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidPhysical embrace (touchy feely) doesn't necessarily mean they are gay. Come off it. It really bugs me when another gay man says he has spot on gaydar. Could be that these married men are just friendly and that maybe they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable and accept you for who you are. Don't cheapen the moment by assumming they are gay and that they wanna have sex with you just because they are bit friendly. most striaght men are very touchy feely anyway since it's a bonding. You would be surprised how mentally curious men are about how gays work. They don't want to have sex but rather they just want to understand a gay person and they love clearing up old myths that come along with being gay. I personally found that alot of married men are touchy feely towards gays because they feel we like the physical contact. I told them it's the same as a "good game" or a regular hand shake and doesn't have any sexual meaning. Unless they touch you on your ass in passing or grazed your crotch I wouldn't get your hopes up. It's an innocent gesture...don't put so much stock into it.

    As for guys touching you. You are old enough to know what you do and do not like. If you don't like being touched you should voice your concern on the subject. I doubt these married men will be offended by it. I'm gonna say they aren't gay and are just trying to make you feel comfortable as well as themselves. If they are gay then they realize they have can't have what they want and take what little comfort they can get simply by being next to another gay man. If you want to get your info then simply spark up a convo that might make them blush and watch as they pop a semi. Then get up and say something casual like "I'm gonna outside for air to get away from the crowd" or something like that and see if he follows. If he does, then you have half your answer. Now that you guys are alone and you can get some more answers from them and *bingo* you've confirmed your answer through confrontation. Works every time.

    I've expereinced this several times and I most say I was completely surprised that none of them were gay and they all did nearly the exact same things as you discribed, NicenSmooth. Since you know they are married and you know you won't do anything with them because of that (and the kids) then it shouldn't bother you unless you want something to happen.

    Hope everything works out for you.





    guy101 - while i appreciate your experiences, i need to point out a few things you seem to have misconstrued or misunderstood from my inquiry. i never once said these men were gay. i said the married man thing throws me and i was/am confused by the behavior - hence my asking if anyone else had experienced it.

    i never once said any of it bothered me, either - again, i said i was confused. i'm quit certain i know how to handle the situation if i'm ever interested enough to research further. however, given the exact circumstances i'd be in, there would be no reason for me to be interested. should i ever change my mind, perhaps i will follow your suggestion of sparking up a semi-popping convo.

    thank you again for your reply.

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 18, 2008 12:09 AM GMT
    My gaydar/how to tell he's hitting you is horrible. Someone has to come out and ask me if I want to go f*ck for me to realize someone is hitting on me.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:13 AM GMT
    Whoops. I must apologies for my answer. While everything I said in it is everything I meant to say I didn't, however, mean to personalize it towards anyone in particular meaning I wasn't directing it towards you personally. That's just the way I type. Sorry for making it sound that way.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:16 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidWhoops. I must apologies for my answer. While everything I said in is everything i meant to say I didn't, however, mean to personalize towards anyone in particular meaning I wasn't directing it towards you personally. Thta't just the way I type. Sorry for the making it sound that way.


    no worries! icon_smile.gif again, i appreciate the insight.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    I have several str8 friends (who also think I'm stricon_cool.gif that are always touching me. Ugh...you read my blog, Nice...one of them licked me for god's sake!

    anyway, I think he's an exception.

    married and has kids doesn't mean he doesn't want to "walk on the wild side," though...it would, however, be weird to hit on you with the ball and chain right there.

    NOW, having said that..I have to add.

    NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY INTEGRITY! YOU'RE ALL KIDDING YOURSELVES AND NEED TO COME OUT AND JUST TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE GAY. AND IF A MARRIED DUDE HITS ON YOU, THEN TELL HIS WIFE, CAUSE HE'S A LIAR AND A SCUM AND HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY INTEGRITY, INTEGRITY INTEGRITY!!

    Since Chucky is no longer among us, I felt obligated to post his view point...

    p.s. I'd hit on you if I was married. I also wouldn't mind a 3way with you and the wife...
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:27 AM GMT
    paradox saidDILTF = Dad I'd Like To Fuck

    Thanks...I was ignorant of the acronym myself.icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:29 AM GMT
    tommysguns2000 saidI have several str8 friends (who also think I'm stricon_cool.gif that are always touching me. Ugh...you read my blog, Nice...one of them licked me for god's sake!

    anyway, I think he's an exception.

    married and has kids doesn't mean he doesn't want to "walk on the wild side," though...it would, however, be weird to hit on you with the ball and chain right there.

    NOW, having said that..I have to add.

    NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY INTEGRITY! YOU'RE ALL KIDDING YOURSELVES AND NEED TO COME OUT AND JUST TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE GAY. AND IF A MARRIED DUDE HITS ON YOU, THEN TELL HIS WIFE, CAUSE HE'S A LIAR AND A SCUM AND HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY INTEGRITY, INTEGRITY INTEGRITY!!

    Since Chucky is no longer among us, I felt obligated to post his view point...

    p.s. I'd hit on you if I was married. I also wouldn't mind a 3way with you and the wife...



    i'm not sure i know exactly how to respond to that p.s. without sacrificing my integrity...oh what the hell - name the time and place and like the jackson 5 and mariah carey - i'll be there.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:32 AM GMT
    rest stop at mile marker 197, on I-10...meet me there tomorrow night...wear a torn tshirt and leg warmers. I'll be in the chaps (no pants) and the tank top.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:35 AM GMT
    tommysguns2000 saidrest stop at mile marker 197, on I-10...meet me there tomorrow night...wear a torn tshirt and leg warmers. I'll be in the chaps (no pants) and the tank top.


    in case you forgot what i look like...
    Photobucket
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    Thankfully no, I get uncomfortable when married gay guys hit on me. Married straight guys would send me running!
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    This is such an usual occurrence with me. I think more straight guys touch me than gay guys. I am in Palm Beach County, Florida. It is a very conservative area more than our neighboring county Broward (largest city is Fort Lauderdale). It is not unusual to hook up with a guy here then finding out later he is married.
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    Mar 18, 2008 1:56 PM GMT
    This concept of straight guys touching, I think is rather common (at least for me). I'm not out to any of my male friends, yet when I'm somewhere with them they usually touch me on the shoulder, chest or pretend to punch my arm. One even tried wrestling me. I used to think that maybe since I was one of the few people they knew who exercised, that they might be trying to "size me up" against themselves. It could be some of that amoungst my competitive friends, but we guys have a general need to be intimate with other men (straight or gay). For us that usually means pretending to fight, a pat on the shoulder or even the butt. Women do it freely with each other with no hangups. I used to be uncomfortable with it, but now I'm not bothered by it. I think it's a natural function of human interaction.
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    Mar 18, 2008 2:42 PM GMT
    As much as I'd like to fool around with a DIL[t]F myself. I still can't help but wonder how honest he'd be when he starts holding me like he does his wife and tells me he loves me? I've had sex with one DILF when I lived in Tucson. He was from South Carolina 6'4" and hung. He came to the gay bar early and started flirting with me instantly. He told me about his wife and kid, but I was drunk and wanted to check DILF off of my to do list. But ever since that last encounter I've had trouble talking to DILFs and hooking up with the ones who are confused or in transition from straight to gay. Needless to say, I haven't nailed one since the one at the bar.

    Uhh, oops, sorry, I lost track of what the original posting was about. I apologize.
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:06 PM GMT
    I'm not sure what this guys back ground is but being a latino I find that there are a lot of latino men who are very comfortable touching each other. No, not just the gay guys...

    In my family it would be the appropriate thing to do to make someone new in our circle feel welcome. So every time my sisters started dating a new guy I would hope and pray he was hot so I could touch him and make him feel... uhh... welcome.. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:08 PM GMT
    that's what my friend from the frat that i told yall about always did. he isn't married with kids, but he has a gf of like 3 years... he turned out to be "bi" when i asked. hehe