Help For a Single Guy Over 40

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 17, 2008 10:29 PM GMT
    I need some advice for my friend. He's a great guy, well off and not bad looking. He has a terrible time meeting new people lately and I was wondering if any of the older guys on this forum had any useful advice for a 43 year old.

    The dating sites he uses are hotornot and gay.com which aren't working for him. I don't know which ones to recommend.

    He doesn't like bars, which is understandable and he doesn't have much success going out.

    Our friends are mostly younger and aren't really a good resource for introductions.

    I gave my standby advice of check out political groups (since he's into that sort of thing) but he says those people were too old and were coupled.

    Any ideas or suggestions where he can at least start to meet single guys his own age?
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Mar 17, 2008 11:40 PM GMT
    I think meeting guys can be hard at any age. I'm 43 and newly single. I cringe at the thought of jumping back into the dating. Attitude, can make or break you when meeting guys. Guys can smell fear and desperation, not to say that your friend displays either of those traits. I would suggest your friend step out of the usual spots to meet guys and try some gay social groups, like a book or film group. Also I would check out the local gay rags for ideas also.

    Doug
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    Mar 18, 2008 1:37 AM GMT
    I'd suggest he log onto here and look around.

    Look at it this way, he could find some guys to talk with / meet / date, and possibly find someone to work out with, or to give him inspiration to keep in shape.

    I'm certainly not old enough to know, but from my psychology work, the biggest thing 40 year old guys are dealing with at that age is the whole thing of being over the hill, and finding out how to keep their youth within them. Confidence, self-image and respect, and self-improvement are big issues.

    I will say though, that 40 is definitely the new 30, at least on this site. So many amazing looking guys! icon_smile.gif

    HotOrNot and Gay.com aren't real great sites, have never impressed me, and probably won't leave him feeling optimistic either. Look here, but most importantly, make sure he really feels good about himself. A magnetic personality will have people running to meet him no matter what the age.

    Keep us updated! icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 18, 2008 1:44 AM GMT
    I wish I knew, but most of my insights come from experience and astute observation. I won't have any meaningful advice or a be able to even understand the perspective age until well... I'm 40. Hopefully I'll be with someone within 5 years of my age range, exclusively.
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    Mar 18, 2008 1:47 AM GMT
    urbanappeal said
    I'm certainly not old enough to know, but from my psychology work, the biggest thing 40 year old guys are dealing with at that age is the whole thing of being over the hill, and finding out how to keep their youth within them.


    I haven't seen 40 in some time, but I don't feel over any hill.
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    Mar 18, 2008 2:11 AM GMT
    I've met and talked to some terrific guys here, tho not face to face yet. My buddy list guys are all aces and plan to meet a few of them soon. Thanks RJ!icon_wink.gif
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Mar 18, 2008 2:23 AM GMT
    ur friend needs to remember that meeting people happens all time and can happen anywhere. grocery store, starbucks, target, borders. wherever. the key is to keep ur eyes open to be able to recognize when someone catches ur attention and more importantly to recognize when u have caught someone's !!!
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    Mar 18, 2008 2:32 AM GMT
    jprichva said[quote][cite]urbanappeal said[/cite]
    I'm certainly not old enough to know, but from my psychology work, the biggest thing 40 year old guys are dealing with at that age is the whole thing of being over the hill, and finding out how to keep their youth within them.


    I haven't seen 40 in some time, but I don't feel over any hill.[/quote]

    That's if a guy is dealing at all. Someone as good looking and seemingly happy in life as you has no reason to "deal" with anything in the first place! icon_biggrin.gif

    What liftordie said is true. It just takes the confidence to smile and return a look, if you get one. It's so elementary but sometimes it's just so hard.

    Every guy I see in public, I'll look and see how I feel about. It's a lot of work, but heck, it's fun, and I know I'm not missing anything. icon_wink.gif
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Mar 18, 2008 2:33 AM GMT
    i agree urban makes life fun to observe it!!!
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    Mar 18, 2008 2:47 AM GMT
    pyzammenarelike.jpg
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    Mar 18, 2008 2:50 AM GMT
    Here is my advice: don't let yourself go, don't whine that you can't find anyone, stay fit, stay active, be positive, be confident, and for God's sake don't look desperate!

    Where? anywhere there are gay guys. Network.
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    spook911 said" any of the older guys on this fourm" that was said by a 32 year old.... OUCH.


    Hey Spook, you're still jailbait to me. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:50 AM GMT
    When I'm not shopping for a nursing home, I've had great experience networking within some of the local performing arts/theatre groups. Some group is always having a reception or benefit or event; attend or volunteer to help. This is where you'll find loads of forty-something, professional, successful gay guys. Get involved and odds are pretty good you'll come home with a phone number or two stuffed in your pocket.

    You've just got to get out there in the mix. Even considering great community sites like RJ, I've not found the net the best place to make a connection with someone; in fact, I think the net can act as a crutch to make you think you're really trying...you've got to get out of the house!
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    Mar 18, 2008 4:12 AM GMT
    live life the fullest
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    Mar 18, 2008 4:30 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidHere is my advice: don't let yourself go, don't whine that you can't find anyone, stay fit, stay active, be positive, be confident, and for God's sake don't look desperate!


    Great advise A&F, I'm 50 and really was worried about the same thing. I hit the gym lost over 20 pounds and bought new clothes. It may not be the cause of me finding anyone but when I go out, I feel good about myself, confidence is up and I've have more than a few guys take a second look at me (at 50...ok, they need glasses) but the point is, if you look good, people do notice.

    I've had numerous very nice dates with guys from online "meat shops", I just make it very clear that I'm not looking for a one night stand and an evening of coffee or dinner is the way to go. I also generally only really get serious about guys in my age range. I agree about the bar scene, doesn't really work for me. I have met several guys right here on RJ but unfortunately none locally to date.

    Tell your friend to hang in there. Email me if you want the name of a couple of sites that I find guys.
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    Mar 18, 2008 4:43 AM GMT
    Maybe he shouldn't give up on any groups too soon just because many of the people involved are already in a relationship. Even couples have single friends they might be able to fix him up with.
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    Mar 18, 2008 8:14 AM GMT
    http://realjock.com/topic/108954/

    Here is a thread pertaining to guys over 40 from a few weeks back. It has some insightful information that might help your friend.

    Basically - when a guy is single, he can meet plenty of other hot guys just doing normal things, i.e. running; lifting; swimming laps; grocery shopping; joining book - wine - dinner groups; hanging out with friends - meeting some of their friends. One more thing a guy on the prowl can do is get a big, furry dog and take a table outside at a Starbucks or a cafe. Your friend can take a book - get some sun - and other hot guys will come by and say hello. I've even stopped by to say hello to guys who have their own dog - striking up a conversation - letting the dog be the ice breaker. There's lots of stuff your friend can do to meet guys. He should just get out there - looking good - and with a confident attitude.
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    Mar 18, 2008 10:30 AM GMT
    Bingo night at the local VFW.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:01 PM GMT
    So your friend can't find someone, huh? What exactly is he doing that makes it so hard to find anyone. I hate to be the one to say this but 9 times out of 10 if the problem ain't them then it's probably him. I'm willing to bet he has a terrible time meeting people because he doesn't go out anywhere and he probably doesn't give many people a chance before wrting them off as people he'd rather not be around.

    It almost sounds like your friend is waiting for someone to fall into his lap. Trust me when I say that's never gonna happen, especially if he doesn't get out there and play the field. Going to a bar might do him some good. I highly dislike it when people associate the bars with sex. Why can't they just go out with a few friends and have some fun without implementing that they have to pick someone up from the bars? Your friend has younger friends and he's 43. Nothing wrong with that but you have to wonder why most of his friends are of a younger group and not older?

    Tell your friend to stop feeling sorry for himself and to cancel that pity party of 1. Tell him go out and make some friends and be seen. I guarentee you he'll see results in a month. He should use what knowledge he has of politics and go to group meetings or sign up for something in LGBT community or find a hobby that involevs lots of people so he can mingle. Hotornot.com is a place for higschoolers. Seriously. The title says it all. Tell your friend to stay away from sites like that. This site is a great place for people like him and he'll definatley build up some confidence, which sounds like something he needs.

    You are his friend and you're concerned about his well-being. That's awesome. Tell your friend to get off his ass and to come out with you sometime. He needs to be exposed to new things outside of his world even if you have to drag him their yorself. If he's not gonna put forth any effort into wanting to meet people and try new things then expect people to show interest in him.

    I wish your friend the best of luck in his search for happiness. I hope you'llbe there to help him along the way.

    -Cheers-
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:19 PM GMT
    He doesn't like bars. Gay.com sucks. The guys at the political clubs are too old.

    Ya think the problem might be his attitude?

    There's plenty to do here. "The Big Gay Supper Club" is lots of fun and it attracts a broad range of ages.

    There is a weekly potluck dinner for gay men. I haven't heard about it recently, but it was very popular a year ago.

    The Wilderness Network of Georgia is a great organization for gay men into outdoor stuff. They're constantly doing stuff. Every client I've referred to it has loved it.

    An alternative to gay.com, manhunt, etc., is connexion.org.

    There are also book clubs, "salons," naked yoga, gay churches and spiritual groups, ad infinitum.



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    Mar 18, 2008 12:56 PM GMT
    Obscenewish wrote my thoughts before I could get them out. When I checked your location and saw that it was Atlanta I thought that only an agorophobe could be finding no activity there. Atlanta has had a great gay community for years now. I don't know the particulars of the scene there but OW has listed all the things I would have suspected Atlanta to have. If he were in my hometown or some such I'd see his dilemma.

    Any site called hotornot.com is designed to bring EVERYONE unhappiness, and I've always found that gay.com has a bitchy personality, so those are bad sites to use. Has he used Out in Atlanta? I use Out in Columbus (it's the family of Out in America sites) and when I pay for it and put some effort into it I meet some quality guys there.

    It sounds like to me that he is being a bit fussy about his activities. While I am not that big a fan of the bar scene, I will say that whenever I hear someone say that they aren't into it themselves it always sounds like an introvert who is unwilling to make the effort that one must make in this world.

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    Mar 19, 2008 3:38 AM GMT
    Damarco and Obscene-- I'll pass that advice along. He likes the outdoors a lot more than I do.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2008 3:40 AM GMT
    wow, you expect to have this problem for another 11 years ...... icon_eek.gif
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    Mar 19, 2008 3:44 AM GMT
    [quote] I have met several guys right here on RJ but unfortunately none locally to date.[/quote]
    Yeah. Long distance relationships can be a bitch.As the postcard says "Wish you were here"icon_wink.gif And I doicon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 19, 2008 5:37 AM GMT
    Hey Luckydog - I only wish YOU were HERE, man!