My Partner Lies -- It's Merely About Our Calendar, But He Still Lies...

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    Dec 05, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    ...or at best is rather thoughtless, a blonde if he had any hair left.

    The result being that once again I've lost a weekend I wanted to use otherwise, principally Christmas shopping, mostly for his own presents. I asked him early last week if this weekend would be free, and he said yes, except that he wanted to start getting the Christmas decorations up. So OK, I said I'd bring the plastic tubs, boxes and whatnot out of storage on Saturday, while he began the decorating that he likes to do himself.

    Friday morning I find out he has a spa appointment shortly, when they call here to reschedule his time from 9:30 to 10:30. That means I can't go out early to miss the crowds, since we only have 1 car at present. And then he returns home around noon and insists we go out to lunch, cause he's hungry, so that takes us to nearly 2 PM.

    It's at lunch he reminds me we're supposed to be at his sister's around 5 that evening for cocktails and a light meal, before going to see the musical On The Town live on stage at a regional theatre. WHAT??? REMIND me? I don't remember it at all, and it wasn't mentioned when I asked him about the weekend's activities a few days ago.

    He says we're already committed to it, tickets reserved, a party of 4. And I realize I don't have any proper clothes ready, and our iron broke earlier in the week, so now we have to go out and buy one right away, instead of doing Christmas shopping. So ends Friday. (The musical was pretty good, got home at 11)

    So Saturday morning I'm again getting ready to take off for shopping early, when I hear him on the phone in the bedroom. He comes out and asks me if I want to join him for breakfast with a lesbian friend of ours. No, thank you, I'm already having breakfast now. So off he goes with the car, and doesn't return until 10:45 AM.

    We finally head for the mall, with the understanding we'll shop separately at different ends, and coordinate with our cells. I learn the main item I want for him will be on sale the next day, Sunday, so when I meet up with him again I say I want to return at noon tomorrow (now today) when the store opens. He says I can't do that, he was given 2 free tickets to the annual Home Show at the Fort Lauderdale Convention Center for Sunday. WHAT??? The fucking Home Show? When did this happen? Oh, about 2 weeks ago he tells me.

    I said no, I'm not gonna miss this 1-day-only sale, for HIS gift, so we'll come back to the mall at noon first, and then do the home show afterwards. It goes all day, and 3 hours there is all we've ever done anyway, to which he agrees. But it also means I won't be able to do any other shopping on Sunday, just quickly run in and out of the store for that 1 item.

    In the meantime he wants us to leave the mall immediately, to get over to our storage unit. Why, I ask, we can do that later in the afternoon, I wanna shop now that we're here. Can't, he replies, we have to get ready for S & G's dinner party tonight, and go to a liquor store for a gift to bring. WHAT??? Dinner party? What time is that? 6 PM, and it's a sit-down for 12 (all gay men), so we have to dress nice, and of course shower after working at the storage unit. !!!!!!!!! Nice dinner, though, once again getting home at 11.

    Do any of you have such a disorganized & thoughtless husband? Or does he deliberately keep you in the dark, and then spring these things on you? I THOUGHT after his heart attack in late October he agreed to pare down our schedule, but it doesn't let up, and he's always been this haphazard about our calendar, not a recent development since his hospitalization.

    He SAYS we're gonna take it easier, but we never do, because he keeps planning things behind my back. And if I refuse to go along he gets all agitated, which is no good for his heart, and then he pouts for a day or 2, which isn't good for MY heart. I dunno, I'm totally out of ideas what to do, and this will just get worse as Christmas approaches. icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2010 2:50 PM GMT
    B, talk to C.
    Share your feelings about the miscommunication, and give the benefit of the doubt.

    This is probably not happening to the both of you, but as I'm growing older, I'm finding it harder to remember things. I'm finding that I have to be more clear about my own agreements with others on everything including "appointments".

    I've found that I need to rely upon Google calendar and sending out appointment reminders so that my calendar gives me the ability to "forget" and then my iPhone reminds me at the appropriate time where I need to be. I add the other person as an invitee so that I can quickly be corrected if I have misunderstood anything.

    And, if for some reason things change at the last minute, I can ask why. If I have misunderstood something, I can correct. If the other person has changed something, I can then choose to change my plans or to continue with what I had planned.

    Ultimately, I can choose to do what I need to do to feel good about my own life choices. I don't need to change things at the last minute if it doesn't sit with my own priorities and boundaries.

    Hope this helps! Talk it through. Both of you are fine men.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Dec 05, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    Thanks Alan! But having met me in person, and read my posts here, you must know how precise & detailed (obsessive?) I tend to be about things, including my calendar. Hence why this especially irritates me. And I do communicate with him a lot about this, and ask him almost everyday to review his upcoming appointments for me.

    I do put everything into my iPhone calendar, but C won't maintain his, so I keep his things on mine, too. But not being a mind reader he has to TELL me first. And I ask him for updates all the time, like I did regarding this weekend just a few days ago. So that my surprise about one major appointment omission after another was considerable, particularly as it interfered with plans I made after him previously having told me there were no conflicts. I am so frustrated!
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    Dec 05, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    I can understand your frustration, B. In the end, be true to yourself and your own boundaries.

    You can't make anybody else do anything. You only have control over you.

    This is why I always have a "Plan B" as to what I can do with my time so that when others choose to do what they choose, then I can continue living my life.

    I've also found that when I respect myself in this way, those others in my life who truly do want to share time with me seem to respect me and my time more as well.

    Good luck with this. I know that you both have love in your hearts for each other. Call and draw upon that love for inspiration, guidance, and strength.
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    Dec 05, 2010 5:21 PM GMT
    Methinks you guys are not communicating enough about your calendars. Make 'your plans for today, tomorrow and the weekend' a major point of conversation over dinners and breakfasts you guys have together. If you jog his memory often enough, he might remember the things he just 'forgot' to tell you. Also tell him often about the plans you are making and have the nerve to say 'no' to something he didn't tell you and which interferes with something you planned already.
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    Dec 05, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    I would be annoyed as well.. Aside from making & maintaining a mutual calender, I think you need to talk to him, so he knows you don't appreaciate being treated like a piece of luggage or a little dog he can just carry around in a manpurse! Couple or not, one car or not, I'd say he needs to be reminded that his head was not lodged up his own ass when you met, so he should probably remove it, now!! Art, it is now time for a reality bitch slap with your husbands name on it!
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    Dec 05, 2010 7:51 PM GMT
    I tend to agree with Dan Savage when he says strong relationships are built on lies. He's half-joking, but makes a good point. People have a right to have some private thoughts or activities and partners tend to make that tough because we share so much time, and we're sensitive to making each other feel certain ways. Small lies aren't a red flag that someone would lie about big things.
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    Dec 05, 2010 7:55 PM GMT
    B.... it's C remember? It's the price of admission...
    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 05, 2010 8:57 PM GMT
    I gave up on meshing schedules years ago. I tried, I really tried; even putting up a huge dry-erase board. If we had your social schedule; I would have shot myself a long time ago.
    Our biggest problem of late has been saying we need to make time to discus what we are going to do about a situation and actually doing it.
    "I thought we talked about it and this is what were doing."
    ...No, we talked about talking about it...icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 05, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    After my mother had a heart attack she started doing the same thing to all three of her sons. Make appointments, not tell us and expect us to be somewhere or take her someplace.

    Once she even came into town a day early insisting she just couldn't make it on the schedule I gave her.

    Your partner could have had a very mild stroke that either messed with his memory,,,or turned him a bit passive aggressive.

    You might want to get a CT scan of the brain. This has happened to a few friends of mine.

    Nate
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    Dec 05, 2010 10:50 PM GMT
    FOLLOW UP: Things did generally go as I planned for today (Sunday). I entered the Williams-Sonoma kitchen store exactly at noon, and got his item at 40% off during their 1-day sale for select items. I know he's gonna love it!

    He agreed to just chill in the food court, near where I had deliberately parked. That allowed me to walk with his gift to an upper mall level he couldn't observe, enter a department store, drop down a level inside it, and use their store exit into the covered parking area. Then I rushed over to the car, and covered the gift up in the trunk, finally reentering the mall at the food court level where he waited.

    I was able to rejoin him at 12:10! I mean, I was practically sprinting, cane & all, and that included the time it took to get a salesperson's attention to obtain the item and ring me up, despite a big crowd already in the store.

    Then we went on to the Home Show, there by 12:30, so that he wasn't significantly delayed by my mall detour. While there I bought him some more kitchen items at "show prices" ( icon_rolleyes.gif ), but he was with me when I got them, unlike the mall gift which remains a surprise, mostly specialty cutlery he can use that I had him try out for himself, plus one that's a gift for his sister.

    We got back home by 4 PM, but then he announces I'm going to help him hang the Christmas outdoor lights right that minute (meaning I hang, he supervises). I really wasn't up to it after 3 hours of walking the convention center, looking forward to a break, but OK, Christmas lights make him cheerful. and he did say he'd cook us a shrimp dinner afterwards.

    Now Monday is SUPPOSED to be open, he promised me, but we'll see.
  • Celticmusl

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    Dec 05, 2010 11:12 PM GMT
    slowcore saidI tend to agree with Dan Savage when he says strong relationships are built on lies. He's half-joking, but makes a good point. People have a right to have some private thoughts or activities and partners tend to make that tough because we share so much time, and we're sensitive to making each other feel certain ways. Small lies aren't a red flag that someone would lie about big things.



    Sadly, I have to disagree, based upon history. My ex of 7 yrs lied about everything and anything, but all minor issues. When a major relationship issue came up I'm not sure why I expected the truth from him.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 07, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    Bob,
    If I relayed my private life with my partner in this way, I wouldn't have a partner.....

    Seriously.. he reads what I say and my life with him, while certainly not perfect won't be open for review.

    I'm happy to give you input.. but I think this kind of discussion would be better handled between those of us who are your RJ friends...

    C.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    Wow - talk about reviving a thread from the dead. Thud last post prior to today was back in December 2010.icon_eek.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 07, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    sashaman saidWow - talk about reviving a thread from the dead. Thud last post prior to today was back in December 2010.icon_eek.gif


    Good point... I usually look at dates, but I didn't tonight. Makes more sense about Christmas shopping!
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    southbeach1500 saidI got woozy trying to follow all this drama. It's also quite alarming you would waste so much time typing all of that - time that would have better been spent at your psychiatrist perhaps...


    =====================================


    HA HA FUCKING HA!







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    Sep 07, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    Writing this pathetic diatribe was unfortunate, to say the very least. There have been more just like it by the same troubled author. What on earth this man is doing on a sports / fitness site is the question. Sad - he is to be pitied, really.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    Good god man, your life is more dramatic then the bold and the beautiful!
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Sep 07, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidGood god man, your life is more dramatic then the bold and the beautiful!



    Are you kidding, it makes "Bold & The Beautiful" look like an episode of "The Golden Girls" icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 07, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    southbeach1500 saidOh, I would pity him, if it wasn't for the fact that he lashes out at those of us who don't see the world as he does. He loses all "pity capital" having crossed that line.

    I'm not sure what you think you're accomplishing by resurrecting all of his old threads.

    OMG I can't believe I didn't even notice the date and now I remember why it seemed to failure hahaha!!


    Shame on the munt!
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    Sep 07, 2011 5:03 AM GMT
    sashaman saidWow - talk about reviving a thread from the dead. Thud last post prior to today was back in December 2010.icon_eek.gif

    You noticed, huh? There are some sick guys who are trolling through every post I ever made, to attack me. These guys really need some therapy, and like right now.

    But fortunately I think most guys here can see how sick they are, and their previous reputations undermine their efforts.

    Still, this concerted effort by these right-wingers is unprecedented on this site, to my knowledge. The fact that it all happened at once, and follows the same script, does raise the question of whether some of them are sockpuppets here. But whatever they are, clearly they are in violation of personal abusive attacks as defined by RJ TOS/TOU.
  • mke_bt

    Posts: 707

    Sep 07, 2011 5:07 AM GMT

    Has anyone noticed that southbeach dredged up a ten month old thread? Funny how he calls for the OP to work it out with a psychiatrist yet fails to see his own obsessive disorder in searching out a dead thread. Stalk much?
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    Sep 07, 2011 5:22 AM GMT
    mke_bt said
    Has anyone noticed that southbeach dredged up a ten month old thread? Funny how he calls for the OP to work it out with a psychiatrist yet fails to see his own obsessive disorder in searching out a dead thread. Stalk much?

    Yeah, southbeach is stalking me, along with a few others here. They've got some kind of sick obsession going on, that others here have noted. Just so long as guys like you see it, I won't be intimidated by their tactics. icon_biggrin.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Sep 07, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidThere are some sick guys who are trolling through every post I ever made, to attack me. These guys really need some therapy, and like right now.



    Oh Lordy. You're starting threads titled "My Partner Lies -- It's Merely About Our Calendar, But He Still Lies..." with a long-winded first post dragging your relationship's dirty laundry onto RJ, and WHO needs therapy?!?!?!?!? icon_rolleyes.gif
  • mikey_101

    Posts: 250

    Sep 07, 2011 10:41 AM GMT
    How does RJ define 'spam'?

    How can something be flagged to admin?