Dating someone with money... how much are you willing to let him spend for you?

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    Dec 05, 2010 9:56 PM GMT
    Say you have a boyfriend who has money. He loves to take fairly expensive vacations and eat at really good restaurants too often for the hubby to afford if split 50/50... so he treats you out pretty often for dinner and brings you on vacations. He does it though because these are the things he enjoys in life and he'd just like you to be a part of these experiences. There's no intention of trying to impress anyone or gain favors. If it's a vacation with friends of the couple, he won't try to stay in a better hotel and he'll go with the flow if it's not his plan. All other things like rent (if living together), groceries, utilities, and other entertainment are split equally. It's really just the more expensive dinners, and more frequent and expensive vacations that he takes care of. Would him paying for these extra vacations and expensive dinners bother you if they were a part of his life and meant a lot to him? Or how much would you be willing to take?

    And if you were on the other side of this question, so you were the one who had money... you meet a great guy, want to spend your life with him, but he isn't willing to let you treat him. Would you compromise on traveling and your love of over-priced food?
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    Dec 05, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    sixty_six said... Would him paying for these extra vacations and expensive dinners bother you if they were a part of his life and meant a lot to him? Or how much would you be willing to take?

    And if you were on the other side of this question, so you were the one who had money... you meet a great guy, want to spend your life with him, but he isn't willing to let you treat him. Would you compromise on traveling and your love of over-priced food?


    1. No bother to me at all. As much as he wants to spend on me. Why should I deny him the joy of using his wealth as it pleases him?
    2. Yes. I would adjust my tastes downward to accommodate the man whom I love.

    In both cases, it's not about me. It's about him, and making him feel comfortable and good.
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    Dec 05, 2010 11:20 PM GMT
    GAMRican said
    sixty_six said... Would him paying for these extra vacations and expensive dinners bother you if they were a part of his life and meant a lot to him? Or how much would you be willing to take?

    And if you were on the other side of this question, so you were the one who had money... you meet a great guy, want to spend your life with him, but he isn't willing to let you treat him. Would you compromise on traveling and your love of over-priced food?


    1. No bother to me at all. As much as he wants to spend on me. Why should I deny him the joy of using his wealth as it pleases him?
    2. Yes. I would adjust my tastes downward to accommodate the man whom I love.

    In both cases, it's not about me. It's about him, and making him feel comfortable and good.


    Same here x 2.

    -Doug and Bill (at times in our personal history together we have each been on both sides of this, recipient and giver)
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 06, 2010 12:24 AM GMT
    Relationships are about compromise. The one with more limited resources should allow his more well-off partner take him out. Contribute what you can. Or find ways to contribute that is fair. Money is often the biggest strain for relationships, gay OR straight. You really care for each other, and the relationship isn't about "control", then there has to be an arrangement you can work out. But not going out with your partner to expensive restaurants is not the answer. He enjoys the privilege his money gives him and wants to share that with you.
  • Moishendlishu...

    Posts: 435

    Dec 06, 2010 12:35 AM GMT
    I would have a problem with being "kept" so to speak. I don't want or need the person I am dating to take care of me...if you would like to enjoy your wealth and don't expect anything in return..than every once in awhile you can take me out...as long as I can take you out sometimes as well..even if to Applebees if that's all I can afford at the time. It's about compromise and equality in my mind. But the last thing I will ever be is some trophy wife.

    Same thing applies on the other end though...I'm not your sugar daddy nor do I plan to be...say I become a famous well-off comedian...I'm not taking care of your ass...you still need to work and pay your bills. Treating you every once in awhile is fine though lol.

    I think a lot of it has to do with the gender roles typically assigned to men....guys are not supposed to be taken care of, we are the breadwinners and the providers. It's interesting when it's two guys in that situation though
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    Dec 06, 2010 1:13 AM GMT
    My parents not only raised me to be self sufficient but also inculcated in me to never ever take advantage of generosities by others UNLESS I am able to give same in return.


    Leandro ♥
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    Dec 06, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    Say you were in a heterosexual relationship and you were married (and you can decide whether you were the wife or husband). Does this change the answer at all? If not, then you have your answer. If it does, then perhaps you should ask why.

    While you're dating, it can be tricky to feel like the recipient all of the time, but it sounds like you're more than just dating.
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    Dec 06, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    my man is a few years older than me and is therefore a few years more ahead in his career than me. He has also been helped out when a large number of employers in his field adjusted salaries in efforts to keep up with the market. We do our best to split things 50/50, but he makes more. He is able to cover a bit more of the housing payment and maybe a bit more of the fun. What I don't pay for in monetary means, I pay for in other ways icon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
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    Dec 06, 2010 1:57 AM GMT
    Boy what a non-issue... he can spend what he wants on me, he should let me spend what I want on him... but neither of us should become "leechers" unless you're a househusband and thats more economically attractive for one person to be a stay-at-homer
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    Dec 06, 2010 2:02 AM GMT
    My partner is older as well (remember we became a couple when I was 18.) While I was in college, anything that he wanted to do that cost money, he paid for both of us. I didn't feel bad, and neither did he feel like he was being taken advantage of. Pride does have its place, but we've never argued about money, so I guess it's worked well for us.
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    Dec 06, 2010 2:07 AM GMT
    Been there, live it. Made good money when we met and w/the economy have had major cuts widening the difference in salaries. What I can afford is what I can afford, we split almost everything. So we are adjusting, just as are most the gay couples we know. My retirement is much better, so I'll be on the opposite end then. We just have to communicate openly.
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    Dec 06, 2010 2:18 AM GMT
    Thanks, what I've heard is pretty much what I've been hoping for. There's definitely a difference between, on the one hand, buying someone's love and on the other, sharing what you have.

    I just don't want whoever else to feel (for lack of a better word) "less" in these instances... Sometimes people keep things inside and don't express them until they've had enough. They just quit. And then again, sometimes people just have a difficult time believing that it's not about pride or dominance, but just about wanting to live your lives together and share what you have.

    In the end, from your answers, I guess it's not really a question about the money anymore, but more how much you communicate your feelings in the relationship and compromising where you can icon_smile.gif helps alot thanks!
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    Dec 06, 2010 2:31 AM GMT
    Sounds like you will do well!
  • jslifting

    Posts: 114

    Dec 06, 2010 2:34 AM GMT
    I could not let him spend crazy amounts of cash on me. I would feel horrible about it.
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    Dec 06, 2010 2:35 AM GMT
    hmmmmm I know it's about compromise, its good to give and receive from your significant other although I don't know how I would handle someone buying me things, from a young age I had to work in order to get the things I want and needed so from then on I never felt comfortable with someone buying me things especially if it was really expensive
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    Dec 06, 2010 8:57 AM GMT
    Hey this is such an interesting question.
    Great food for thought.

    I myself actually don't like receiving gifts or treats that are expensive and if someone does offer, I demand that I at least contribute monetarily in some form. Mostly because for me, I would feel like an imposition or (and this is going to sound so horrible) it might make me feel like I would owe him some how and I hate having any kind of debt.

    Then again, on the other side, not that I treat that expensively but whenever I'm with my friends we always spot each other random things. A drink, a coffee, spot someone's dinner, movie ticket etc.

    It depends really because one of his love languages is probably gifts whereby he shows his affection to someone with gifts, and you said that it doesn't come across in anyway as boastful so I'd say it should be okay, but if it really bothers you I'm sure he'd understand if he lessened the grandeur gifts/vacations a little. I'm sure if he really cares for you then that shouldn't be much of an issue either.

    Either way I think you're good.