Groups of Straight Guys

  • apolloexiled

    Posts: 5

    Dec 05, 2010 10:16 PM GMT
    What experiences do y'all have with groups of straight guys? I have a fair share of straight guy friends who are all great, but the all-male group dynamic seems to change things, and I end up as the odd man out. I'm talking about all different kinds of groups: amateur sports teams, guys who were in my dorm, the guys at work, etc...

    I don't usually make many gay male friends because of the sexual tension that always seems to come up (I've been monogamous for five years), and it would be nice to be considered one of the guys. It seems like even when everyone is cool, I still end up being the "other" eventually. But with my 1-on-1 straight guy friends (who are introverts and don't really find themselves in groups to begin with) I have never really had an issue.

    I'm starting to think I'm never gonna get to be a part of the male camaraderie dynamic without having to play straight.
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    Dec 05, 2010 10:33 PM GMT
    That's impossible. Be yourself. I hang out with a group of all straight guys, and we have fun. They make jokes about me being gay, and I make jokes about them not pulling a girl to save their life.

    You set the dynamics for the group. If you act like it is a big deal, then they will act like it is a big deal.
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    Dec 05, 2010 10:42 PM GMT
    Right there with you appllo; I blame my location and hope to change that soon enough. Consider yourself lucky that you have straight friends. I don't have those either. I'm literally drowning in a Glen Beck sea.
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    Dec 06, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    I find that they are okay with things as long as they don't have to hear about your dating life. Which says a lot about friendship right there.

    I do find it funny that some of the more 'manly' straight guys that work in my company seem the most gay. Even the women are more butch and the women are clearly not.
  • apolloexiled

    Posts: 5

    Dec 06, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    Project saidI find that they are okay with things as long as they don't have to hear about your dating life. Which says a lot about friendship right there.


    Yeah, that seems to be how it is for me. Everything is fine until I start to open up. Not explicit or mushy stuff, either, just details. Ah well.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Dec 06, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    REALLY?
    I hang with a lot of str8 guys from work and the gym [ they know i'm gay ] and we always have have a good time.... I'v always been in the company of groups of str8 men and i'v never had a problem...
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    Dec 06, 2010 12:59 AM GMT
    most of my friends are straight and its fine,lots of fun really
  • Ashpenaz

    Posts: 21

    Dec 06, 2010 1:04 AM GMT
    All of my friends are straight. I tend to think of myself as a guy first, and I relate on that level, rather than my orientation. Being gay is not my primary identification. So, rather than think of my friends as straight, I think of them as guys. I think guys relate to men whose primary identification is their masculinity, and their orientation really has nothing to do with that.
  • Manhood69

    Posts: 58

    Dec 06, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    jgymnast733 saidREALLY?
    I hang with a lot of str8 guys from work and the gym [ they know i'm gay ] and we always have have a good time.... I'v always been in the company of groups of str8 men and i'v never had a problem...


    Jay, same here. Never had problems, but I'm bi. Plus, you're just a cool dude and what honest to goodness str8 guy wouldn't mind getting drunk and accidentally slip his dick into that phyne ass of yours.

    Ooops, I'm sorry. That's my fantasy about you. My bad! haha
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    Dec 06, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    There IS a weird dynamic when they gather in flocks. So, I try not to be in a social situation where there's a large group of str8s.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Dec 06, 2010 1:48 AM GMT
    I love my pack. And they love me. Each individual one-on-one friendship is unique. The group dynamic is unique for who is in the group, and how dominance shifts accordingly. I have to work a little harder not to get pushed to the side sometimes. Other times, not so much. I'm okay with that. It's guys.

    Frankly, and I'm perfectly serious here, everything I learned about hanging out and holding on to lasting friendships with other man I learned from my dogs.

    The biggest hurdle for my buddies was accepting the fact that a gay guy could be an alpha, or at the very least a worthy alpha challenger. I had friends who raised wolf-hybrids, five of them. The alpha in the pack was a cairn terrier who wandered into the yard one day. I fancy myself that terrier. But then again, I'm a guy, so I'm also pretty damned full of myself to begin with. Comes with the equipment.

  • apolloexiled

    Posts: 5

    Dec 06, 2010 2:42 AM GMT
    Ashpenaz saidAll of my friends are straight. I tend to think of myself as a guy first, and I relate on that level, rather than my orientation. Being gay is not my primary identification. So, rather than think of my friends as straight, I think of them as guys. I think guys relate to men whose primary identification is their masculinity, and their orientation really has nothing to do with that.


    Yeah, that's what I do in pretty much all areas of my life. But after a while it can seem less like being masculine and more like a pissing contest, at least in that kind of group setting. Although I suppose (like MuscleComeBack noted) pissing matches can be a large part of masculinity, depending on who you are around.

    Maybe I just need to find groups that are a little more chill.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Dec 06, 2010 4:08 AM GMT
    Wow Cold, that was...well, cold.icon_eek.gif

    My guys are pretty chill. It's not a pissing match 90% of the time, but the 10% it is, is not a struggle, it's just blowing off steam and I'm okay with that. But the vast majority of the time, it's a pretty chill group.

    I just find that if I want real quality time, no matter who the group, the smaller the number the better the quality, so my best buds get me one on one, and we strengthen our bond and bring that to the group dynamic. Again, this all seems pretty natural to me.
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    Dec 06, 2010 4:24 AM GMT
    apolloexiled saidWhat experiences do y'all have with groups of straight guys? I have a fair share of straight guy friends who are all great, but the all-male group dynamic seems to change things, and I end up as the odd man out. I'm talking about all different kinds of groups: amateur sports teams, guys who were in my dorm, the guys at work, etc...

    I don't usually make many gay male friends because of the sexual tension that always seems to come up (I've been monogamous for five years), and it would be nice to be considered one of the guys. It seems like even when everyone is cool, I still end up being the "other" eventually. But with my 1-on-1 straight guy friends (who are introverts and don't really find themselves in groups to begin with) I have never really had an issue.

    I'm starting to think I'm never gonna get to be a part of the male camaraderie dynamic without having to play straight.


    Stop being so self-conscious when you're with them. You're probably creating the situation without realizing it. I go out with groups of straight guy friends all the time and never have this problem. Before I thought it was because I wasn't out yet, and that's part of the reason I didn't want to come out to them for a long time. However, now I have come out to most of them and everything is still the same. Sure there are a couple guys who I can tell are a little uneasy about it still, but they'll get used to it. Just act like yourself, be confident and comfortable, and I'm sure you'll be fine man.
  • Ashpenaz

    Posts: 21

    Dec 06, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    My observation is that there are gay guys who identify as gay first, and they end up on one end of the spectrum of the gay world, and there are gay guys who identify as guys first, and they end up the other side of the spectrum. Not that either one is good or bad, but the two groups don't have much in common.

    So, as far as groups go, people tend to hang with those who share their primary identification. The men I know aren't concerned about who you sleep with, as long as you have some good stories.
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    Dec 06, 2010 4:30 AM GMT
    Ashpenaz saidMy observation is that there are gay guys who identify as gay first, and they end up on one end of the spectrum of the gay world, and there are gay guys who identify as guys first, and they end up the other side of the spectrum. Not that either one is good or bad, but the two groups don't have much in common.



    I really agree with this. I came out when I moved away for university and fell into a gay clique. I realised that we had nothing in common and then after university, I went travelling. I then met lots of cool straight guys.

    Why? Because I was being myself and pursuing my interests.

    I don´t think being around/ interacting or identifying with straight guys is difficult.

    Trying not to fall for them.. that´s another matter...
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    Dec 06, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    Well the last time I was apart of a group of homosexuals, was during the 80's and most of them where killed off from AIDS. As well in the 80s from what I witnessed first hand working for the gay community. led to one handing back their gay membership, and going back to the real world to live, that I have been, and been apart of since.

    I myself find it less complicated out in the real world a pure homosexual. Other guys befriend me, not just because they want sex, it's because I'm one of the good guys. But in many ways i never accepted the acceptance I do out in the real world, in the gay community either, it's like most gay guys always had an agenda.

    But I'm also lucky I can sit in a straight pub, and not stand out, and if someone figure it out, it's never been an issue for me, no fights or abuse. Oh the only time it almost did was when I was working as a lumber jack,and a guy was about to blue with me, and all of a sudden one guy stood up and said if you are going to fight him, you have to fight me first, then another said and if you are going to fight him, it me next, and so one, and it all just disbanded.icon_cool.gif. But then I can have a look about me to, that can give the impression if you mess with me, I'll rip your bloody arms off.

    So now I am the only fag in the village.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Dec 06, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    tanlejos said
    I don´t think being around/ interacting or identifying with straight guys is difficult.

    Trying not to fall for them.. that´s another matter...


    *sigh* Just gotta' know the boundaries and respect them. Tough, though, I agree...
  • CalebKM

    Posts: 156

    Dec 06, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    Who cares? If they don't like you as yourself then they aren't worth your time. Don't be ashamed of who you are, enjoy life being free and true to yourself..you could die tomorrow! icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 06, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    apolloexiled saidI'm starting to think I'm never gonna get to be a part of the male camaraderie dynamic without having to play straight.
    The only thing that will get you is more sex, but only on the DL.
    Admittedly, I've often considered going back in the closet just to do that. icon_lol.gif
  • apolloexiled

    Posts: 5

    Dec 06, 2010 6:03 AM GMT
    SexxyCK saidWho cares? If they don't like you as yourself then they aren't worth your time. Don't be ashamed of who you are, enjoy life being free and true to yourself..you could die tomorrow! icon_smile.gif


    I was speaking more about groups where you like some guys but others might be dickweeds. I don't have a problem hanging out with friends as much as I do with circles of male acquaintances.
  • tobyb

    Posts: 111

    Feb 05, 2012 11:04 PM GMT
    It may be possible to "blend in" for a little while by playing straight, or at least avoiding the topic of your gayness. But it's storing up trouble.

    But I don't get, it sounds like the groups of guys you're talking about know you're gay anyway. so unless you start in with an entirely new crew of strangers, people are gonna know (and even the strangers will work it out).

    It sounds like it's annoying to you to be the "odd one out." All I can suggest is that you embrace that role, or at least not fight it. I enjoy being the one who's likely to have a different take on any given subject. So long as it's respectful. you can just disagree. "I know you guys all like golf, but I just don't get why, I'd just rather play tennis/watch something funny/listen to my favorite band."

    If on some level you don't like them, or you don't feel anything in common with them, or feel your one-on-one friends act differently towards you when you are all in a group, then either get closer to them, or make new friends with people whose company you enjoy. In my experience, being gay isn't a barrier to friendship. In fact, my gayness has been a fact which allowed me to bond closer with some of my best straight male friends. The fact that they don't care and that you don't challenge and maybe applaud their straightness can become like a bond of loyalty between you.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Feb 06, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    I was around a group of straight boys tonight watching the super bowl. since I was in denial of my gayness for so many years, and had sex with chicks as the general rule, I can usually fit right in with them. But I have to admit that now I've embraced my sexuality fully, I do kinda feel like a spy or something when I hang around such a group because I'm certain that they don't know I'm gay. It's cool. There is not a lot of the girl drama around groups of straight guys that you have to adjust to being around a group of gay guys. At least that's been my experience thus far.
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    Feb 06, 2012 5:46 AM GMT
    Straight men are actually a lot more fragile than we are. Things that just roll off our backs really get to them.

    I also think they're put off by us because they're convinced that we have some secret, feminine knowledge that eludes them.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 06, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    apolloexiled saidWhat experiences do y'all have with groups of straight guys? I have a fair share of straight guy friends who are all great, but the all-male group dynamic seems to change things, and I end up as the odd man out. I'm talking about all different kinds of groups: amateur sports teams, guys who were in my dorm, the guys at work, etc...

    I don't usually make many gay male friends because of the sexual tension that always seems to come up (I've been monogamous for five years), and it would be nice to be considered one of the guys. It seems like even when everyone is cool, I still end up being the "other" eventually. But with my 1-on-1 straight guy friends (who are introverts and don't really find themselves in groups to begin with) I have never really had an issue.

    I'm starting to think I'm never gonna get to be a part of the male camaraderie dynamic without having to play straight.
    I do not understand the question?