My ex-partner/bestfriend won't stop seeking affection from me, in the name of friendship??????

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    Mar 18, 2008 2:49 AM GMT
    First off, he broke up with me because I wasn't up to par, and he felt I needed to take more initiative with my life. And since he's been gone for half of the time since the break up, I've been able to cope with the reality of the situation; while his life continued to get worse bit by bit since the break up. I attribute it to karma... But that can wait for another thread - anyways, I've since turned off my emotions towards him and have focused myself on communicating with him only using reason and logic to guide me. I'm still aware the emotional impact of my actions, so I'm not cruel. However, he seems to be unable to quit acting the same way he has always done before. He doesn't kiss me, but still plays out a lot of the same idiosyncrasies from before; even though some were more attribute to our love for one another, than they were just being silly. I'm not sure if he still has feelings for me, and I can't shake the fact that he broke up with me, and I already did thing where I ask for him back, make sure he's sure about it, and all that pitiful don't leave me stuff. Now I'm left single, trying to cope with the fact that he's not mine; while he's starting to show signs that he may be unsure of his decision. A part of me wants to take him back; but I'm not foolish enough to walk into a situation that puts me in his mercy, and leaves me with another no and more pain.

    I don't know what to do about all this. Should I start playing stupid mind games, and push him away in order to get him back; or should I just ignore the situation and wait for the smoke to clear once I move out of town? If anyone else has advice on the options I've found, or any reasonable, fair and kinder options and opinions for me, no matter what they are; I'm willing to listen.
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:08 AM GMT
    Hmmm, this is very tough situation to be honest. I personally would play it cool and not let him back despite your feelings. Could you deal with getting back with him then having him break up with you again? I personally don't think I could in your situation.

    The only situation in my life that has come close was a guy I broke up with after six months, we remained good friends, until one day he said "I can never see you again, I am obsessed with you and want to be your boyfriend again." Although it hurt I agreed. That happened in 1990 I believe. Sometimes the most painful emotional decision is in the long run the best for both parties.
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    Mar 18, 2008 4:06 AM GMT
    I'd try my hardest to be the bigger person and not play around with him just because he might have dicked you around some. The satisfaction you would get from it would be fleeting and, at the end of the day, you'd still have to deal with the part of you that is still invested enough in the relationship to even care about getting him back. It's honestly hard to comment too much when we know so little of the actual situation but it *sounds* like you might be better off not being in touch with him for a while as you get your life back on track.
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    Mar 18, 2008 5:09 AM GMT
    Hi boiwunderkind,
    I read your post about wondering if you should take your ex back after he broke up with you and was very touched because I was in a similar situation. The breakup was definitely for my own good because, as much as I hate to say it, I had emotional attachment issues.

    It sounds like you're in the right state of mind now. The roles have seemingly switched and it's up to you to make the right choice this time. The benefits of the joy of love also come with the sadness of its lost and if you feel that risking that tradeoff is going to hurt you more than help, you should forget about getting back together, at least for now. If you feel you have room in your heart to bring him into your life, I would go for it. Being dumped is not grounds for dumping back; that kind of thinking is idiotic.
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    Mar 18, 2008 6:37 AM GMT
    Boiwunderkind, he broke up with you because you weren't up to 'par'. And, has anything changed?

    I don't know, but it sounds like he's somewhat ambivalent about things, but then who isn't, and also that he's comfortable with you in ways that may or may no be appropriate when you aren't dating -- but then habits are hard to break.

    I guess I'd be suspiscious of someone who isn't willing to love you and work with you where you are, wherever that may be -- we all have issues, but that's life. It just sort of sounds like he has nothing better so he's still hanging on to what he has.

    I guess that's my cynical outside point of view, but can't say I'd see things that way, or let go so easily if I was emotionally involved.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Mar 18, 2008 6:41 AM GMT


    get out a very large crayon...some paper...and...

    DRAW A BOUNDARY

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 18, 2008 7:39 AM GMT
    Make a fool of me once, shame on you. Make a fool of me twice, shame on ME.

    You have some good advice from the guys above me, and it sounds like you have given this problem a lot of thought. You know what you have to do. Just say, "See ya."
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    Mar 18, 2008 7:56 AM GMT
    Bummer man. I say count your blessings and move on. This ex-bf of yours sounds kinda dicey. Remember that he broke up with you based off of something that seemed easy to fix had he just given it some time. I say move on to something bigger and greater.

    You just need someone who will like/love you for you. Apparently your ex didn't hence why he broke up with you. Don't back paddle into the same situation with someone who won't appreciate you. You don't need to play mind games and to make him jealous or anything similar to that effect. C'mon now...chicks do that kind of stuff and what would that say about you? If you were to do something like that you'd be painting a picture of what your bf thought about you in the first place. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you are better then that.

    People rarily realize what they have until it's gone.

    Let your ex deal with not having you anymore and just move on. You'll feel better in long run but not before you get over the pain you might be feeling right now.
    Hope things work out for you.
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    Mar 18, 2008 8:33 AM GMT
    As much as we'd like to quickly switch from an intimate relationship to "just friends, cause after all we still care very much for each other," in my experience, it seems to take 18 months for that to really happen, and almost always requires a period where neither of you two see each other for while, maybe a year, or at least until one or both of you has a new intimate relationship.

    And no matter how you might try to mutually work through issues (I've been there, trying), someone who is in the stronger emotional position always has to make the decision and say "I think we need time apart until we adjust to being single -- this isn't working."

    You sound like you are in that position. You can futz around all you want hoping that somehow this will resolve, but my advice, for the good of both of you, is to stop seeing each other for a year.

    As Dr. Rourke says: draw the boundary. You seem to have the crayon.

    K
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 18, 2008 10:19 AM GMT
    wasn't up to par?

    My man, you have every right to be furious with this guy and you're thinkin' about taking him back?
    You are now in the driver's seat
    The next time Ex bf shows affection (and I hope you're not havin sex with this guy)
    The next time
    say to him What is this?
    I thought we broke up
    and if he pushes the subject about getting back together
    you need to lay the new ground work
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 18, 2008 12:15 PM GMT
    Well let me say on the basis on what you've said in your post, I think you are taking the proper steps.

    You have assessed the situation and have decided it is best to move forward in a logical and prudent manner.
    If he wants to talk to you seriously and speaks at length as to why he wants you back (I'd listen), but barring some major intervening event... proceed.

    Your taking the right approach.. move forward. There are many guys out there that would like to be involved with you.
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:32 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone for you responses. They were all helpful and thoughtful.

    Filling in some gaps and clarifying a little bit; we don't have sex. It's one of my cardinal rules to not fuck or suck my friends. We didn't even have break up sex; which probably puzzles him, since he has a couple friends in Vegas who live a double life as both parents and party animals/sex fiends. He says he's unaffected by them, but that only reinforces the truth that much further for me.

    As for the being up to par issue, I think that I've showed more resilience and progress in a shorter amount of time than he imagine possible. It sucks knowing that he doubts me, but is unwilling to admit it to me. So much for honesty now that we've become friends. The issues were centered around me not being driven enough, and the appearance of laziness, where I thought I was simply playing the homemaker role. Now I'm enrolling in the Scottsdale Culinary Institute, and have plans to travel and continue my schooling after that. But would you believe it? He actually went out of his way to schedule me to be at free convention for a closer culinary institute here in massachusetts! Sensing a "trap" I went out of my way to avoid it, aside from it being an iffy school.

    I used to be the affectionate one... hell, I was overly affectionate a lot of the time, but since we're friends now I've drawn a clear line and rarely hug him unless he's done something really good, or I'm in a good enough mood to do it without possible alterior motive. But I don't return the equal affection he does when he hugs.

    It's sad, though he could've given me/us a temporary seperation, that I insisted on early in the relationship should he find he's not sure if he's for me, he didn't even concider it. Maybe it's his 'all or nothing' mentality. He could have been here for 6 months and I would've been out of state, and he'd seen how much I meant to him - the right way. "But, if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle", he always says at times like these. So obviously he's not looking back to see what went wrong so's to learn for next time. That's the real sad part.

    Did I mention what kick started this thread was the fact that he asked me if I still loved him yesterday? I just questioned his reasoning for asking me that, reminded him that he broke up with, and that I wasn't going to put myself in a vulnerable position if I don't know where he's going with asking me that.
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    Mar 18, 2008 1:02 PM GMT
    Well that last bit of information certainly sheds more light on the situation for me. I believe he is second guessing himself about breaking up with you to begin with and now is fishing around to find out if you might want to re-kindle the relationship.

    I am the kind of person who has a tendency not to look back and pine away about decisions I have made. Perhaps that is my stubborn nature, IDK. Just keep that in mind with what I am about to say.

    Your ex I believe was unfair to you to begin with. Perhaps he has not realized yet that all boyfriends will have personality traits that we wish they did not have (I don't know you to make an opinion on whether his criticism was even fair).

    My partner and I after 10 years do not hammer each other about the quirks or idiosyncrisies that initially irritated us. We concentrate on those aspects of the person that we love.

    Your ex maybe is one of those people that is expecting some mythical perfection from his partner. If you get back together will he find something else about you that he wants to correct? I am not an expert in relationships, but I know one thing for sure, we are human we are not androids or machines, therefore we will have so-called "flaws", perfection is unobtainable and frankly undesirable.

    Best of luck in coming to a decision.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Mar 18, 2008 1:35 PM GMT
    Dude ... you have free will and you are you're own person.

    Why don't you just tell him no more and this is strictly a platonic friendship? If he doesn't respect it, drop him like a bad habit!
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    Mar 18, 2008 2:28 PM GMT
    jbedwards saidWell that last bit of information certainly sheds more light on the situation for me. I believe he is second guessing himself about breaking up with you to begin with and now is fishing around to find out if you might want to re-kindle the relationship.

    I am the kind of person who has a tendency not to look back and pine away about decisions I have made. Perhaps that is my stubborn nature, IDK. Just keep that in mind with what I am about to say.

    Your ex I believe was unfair to you to begin with. Perhaps he has not realized yet that all boyfriends will have personality traits that we wish they did not have (I don't know you to make an opinion on whether his criticism was even fair).

    My partner and I after 10 years do not hammer each other about the quirks or idiosyncrisies that initially irritated us. We concentrate on those aspects of the person that we love.

    Your ex maybe is one of those people that is expecting some mythical perfection from his partner. If you get back together will he find something else about you that he wants to correct? I am not an expert in relationships, but I know one thing for sure, we are human we are not androids or machines, therefore we will have so-called "flaws", perfection is unobtainable and frankly undesirable.

    Best of luck in coming to a decision.



    I think that your entire response was fair and well thought out. Actually, you saw right through the matrix of the situation clear enough to make me jealous of your perspective.

    I actually told him the last few times I called him on getting too close for mere friendship, if he ever wants this relationship to rekindle that he should be the one to make the next steps, since my were denied.

    There's so much going on though: his continuing to trust me or not, his choice to take on a vulnerable position, than again I know that since I was his first long term relationship, that he has to gain more experience with heartache before he could truely understand me. So many reasons to want to stay, and reasons to need to go.

    But you were right on the head about him "expecting some mythical perfection from his partner". He gets it from his family. They're pretty cynical people, but still can enjoy life when it suits them. He pretended not to care about what they thought for me, cause he knew that this relationship was about us, but they have their ways. I think he wants me to be both dependent on him emotionally, but not financially. But now that I've made plans to move away and start a career of my own; he want's me back... I think?
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:09 PM GMT
    Familys can have a big influence on who we choose as a partner, whether we like to admit to it or not. I am sure there are a lot of gay men out there who do not date less than masculine gay men simply because of how their family members would react.

    It seems to me that you are reading the situation pretty accurately, this guy sounds like he still needs to evolve a bit more as a person. I feel one of the hardest things for any guy to do(gay or straight)is to understand and trust one's emotions about someone else, and have the strength and conviction to carry through on them. It took me until I was 37 to do this.

    He may still care as much about his family member's opinions as he does about his own happiness with you. His loss in the long run I feel. Hopefully you will both find happiness with a great guy someday soon.
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    Mar 18, 2008 3:30 PM GMT
    boi, I was in your place many, many, many years ago... (god I'm soooo f*king old! icon_eek.gif ) This happened just after the discovery of fire and a little before the discovery of the wheel.

    You should heed the advice of those that said you need time away from this guy, at least a year. You are obviously not over him and he will continue to torture you without even realizing it. I don't think he's being cruel, just oblivious to anyone's feelings but his own.

    I was with my second true love (it turned out that there were several true loves for me icon_rolleyes.gif and I loved them all!) for 2 years before he broke up with me stating that I cheated on him, which absolutely never happened (that's another story). The truth was he needed a reason to break up because he wasn't brave enough to say he had fallen out of love. He did however make a heart felt plea to me to stay friends with him or he would commit suicide. Yeah... he was not manipulative at all...

    So, stupid me, I stayed friends with him and he really tortured me for 4 years (stupid much?). He would say things that would make me feel that he still wanted to be with me and then he would tell me about his newest trick, who I had to meet. I was heart broken through all of this and had to realize it was not his fault for what was happening, indeed it was mine. It took a while but I finally woke up and broke ties with him. He was pissed but I had to do it.

    It was the best thing I could have done. I was able to break loose of his hold on me and really begin to focus on what's important in life. Years later he came back to me and wanted to be lovers again. We went on a few dates, I realized he was still the same guy but I had grown as an individual. I dumped him like a hot potato! I didn't do this maliciously but it did feel kind of good. icon_redface.gif

    He is now a friend of mine and we're able to really enjoy each other without any remorse or feelings of longing.



  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Mar 18, 2008 5:10 PM GMT
    Okay ... did my advice make sense at all?
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    Mar 19, 2008 12:43 AM GMT
    Hey, boi - not much to add to jbedwards and creyente's excellent responses except that I too found myself in a very similar situation SEVERAL times. You know what they they - third time's the charm.

    Anyway, this certainly appears to be a personality type out there that many of us have encountered. Too bad these types don't wear signs on their foreheads. What would the label read? Hmmm....opportunistic? Self-centered?

    In the end, you need to think about what is healthy and positive for you and I think you'll get a pretty clear answer when you look at it that way. Good luck. At least you know plenty of others have been there!