I don't wanna move in after 4 1/2 years

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2010 11:25 PM GMT
    I feel kind of weird talking about this, but I want your advice.
    We are very happy at this point of our lives; we talk about it openly.
    As with all couples, we've had ups and downs, but we've worked them out.
    We started dating when he was 26 and I was 21. He had been working for 4 years, and I had just started grad school.
    We've never lived together, but we spend 4 or 5 nights a week together.
    I love spending time with him after work or during the weekends, but there are times I just wanna be left alone.
    We make about the same amount of money and split all expenses.
    I may move in January to a new place, and we spent time looking at different complexes, but he made a comment about getting a larger place for both of us.
    The idea scared me... I do not feel ready for that.
    I like being with someone I can connect and depend on, but at the same time, I like having some 'me' time and space.
    I've been with him throughout most of my 20s, and I have been SO SO HAPPY, but I am not sure I wanna take the next 'expected' step, which is living together.... Am I just weird?
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    Dec 06, 2010 11:28 PM GMT
    Btw... my parents have similar living arrangements. My dad spends most of his time at the ranch while my mom works in the city. They see each other during the weekends, and they've been married for almost 40 years.

    Maybe I learned from them...?
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    Dec 06, 2010 11:29 PM GMT
    1) perhaps you're afraid that if you live with him you'll realize he's not for you and you're just being complacent.

    2) perhaps you just have a hard to making changes in your life that would disrupt your status quo, and you need a push here and there to get you to do something new.



    i think after 4 1/2 years, 5 nights a week together, and splitting expenses...you are more then seasoned enough to live with somebody. why not just setup ground rules, have different rooms, and have the option to share whoever's bed etcetcetc.

    my two centz.
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    Dec 06, 2010 11:42 PM GMT
    you need to realize that moving in together doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment of your lives together as well.


    be sure to take some time for yourself, get a hobby that you like that he may not partake in, etc etc etc.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 07, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    What I struggle with is the expectation of moving in with someone?
    What if that's not for you?
    Where does it say you have to live with someone to be happy?
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    Dec 07, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    newstudentut saidWhat I struggle with is the expectation of moving in with someone?
    What if that's not for you?
    Where does it say you have to live with someone to be happy?


    You're a re right : living with someone is not the same.

    But if it's scare you, you absolutely need to explain it to your partner. Very likely, he has no idea it scare you, you can even imagine him happy that you are at long last able to make that move.

    When you live in different place, you share mostly interesting time together.
    When you live in the same place, you also have to share the boring detail of daily life, but also more intimacy.


  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Dec 07, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    Personally, if this was me, I'd move in with him. Everything I've read, I get the feeling you and he are in a LTR, and everything appears to be going fine. You spend a lot of time with him, and from what I read, you like being with him.

    I think 'being left alone' is a valid point, but I think you and he can have 'space' if need be. If this was me again, I'd move in with him. Hell I might have married him already. You are right though, moving in together is a big step.

    I have to echo Minox's point... tell your bf you are hesitant to move in together and why. You need to be honest with him.
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    Dec 07, 2010 1:31 AM GMT
    newstudentut saidBtw... my parents have similar living arrangements. My dad spends most of his time at the ranch while my mom works in the city. They see each other during the weekends, and they've been married for almost 40 years.

    Maybe I learned from them...?


    my parents did the exact same and I won't live someone else, had a 6 yr relationship and always lived apart.

    do what is right for you.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Dec 07, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    Hmmm.
    Interesting point, I don't know that one does have to live with someone to be happy, though that's something that's an idea that many cherish, so you'll at the very least need to navigate that at some point.

    Here's a suggestion though:
    If you do decide to experiment with living together, don't do it without a very easy out. For example, try living together for awhile before getting a single apartment, so you can retreat if necessary (though do give it a try if you go that route). Or, given that a one bedroom house may not fairly compare to living together in a larger place, have some planned retreat ready (in this case for both of you) if it doesn't work.

    That said, who knows, maybe you'll like it. Do be sure to sort your feelings though. I don't know that I'd be comfortable in an indefinite relationship with someone I wasn't comfortable living with. Though, I don't spend the majority of my free time at home either...
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    Dec 07, 2010 1:51 AM GMT
    I think people can some times do something when they are not ready for it. Cause they some times think they have to. You really have to make sure you are doing it for the best reasons for you and him. Sounds like you have a really great thing going on. The risk can sometimes be scary but you have to realize are you ready for it and when you are ready for it make the move. But at the same time you have to realize he may not want to wait he may be ready for it and may see you not making that next step as a sign for him that maybe it is time for him to move on. So its something you have to keep in mind. you may not be ready but that doesnt mean he isnt.
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    Dec 07, 2010 2:06 AM GMT
    Why don't you get a place that has a limited lease on it (6 months or so) and give it a trial run. That way if it doesn't work out, you can go back to living in separate places.
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    Dec 07, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    dash_8 saidWhy don't you get a place that has a limited lease on it (6 months or so) and give it a trial run. That way if it doesn't work out, you can go back to living in separate places.


    This. You need to TRY it. It wouldn't be hard to find a place nearby one another, but spend your time maybe in one place most of the time for a while. And if you like it, it's a short lease. If it's no good - try to keep up living seperately.

    But TALK to him. Let him know how you feel. If you can't talk to one another, how strong is your relationship?
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    Dec 07, 2010 2:33 AM GMT
    I understand what you are going thru. My sister got married young and divorced after about 10 years and was left with nothing. Now, she maintains a separate residence from her current husband as a "plan B." She loves him dearly, and they live together most of the time- but she wants to keep her own place, finances, and things separate from his just in case something happens. I completely agree with her. Not that a relationship should include break up planning. But, in the real world, break ups do happen. And you are better off being safe than sorry.

  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Dec 07, 2010 2:51 AM GMT
    You know, this is for you to discuss with HIM.

    Your relationship has to be strong enough to have this conversation with the guy you love, and the guy who is asking for something that has you nervous. You have to be forthright and upfront with your fears and your preferences and let your relationship go through ALL the ups and downs, including this one, if it's to truly survive and thrive.

    No matter what WE say here, it's what you decide between the two of you that really matters, and the person who should be weighing in on this before any of us do is your boyfriend.

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    Dec 07, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    do you love him
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    Dec 07, 2010 3:01 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidYou know, this is for you to discuss with HIM.

    Your relationship has to be strong enough to have this conversation with the guy you love, and the guy who is asking for something that has you nervous. You have to be forthright and upfront with your fears and your preferences and let your relationship go through ALL the ups and downs, including this one, if it's to truly survive and thrive.

    No matter what WE say here, it's what you decide between the two of you that really matters, and the person who should be weighing in on this before any of us do is your boyfriend.



    According to his story,his boyfriend seems to be a nice guy whos loved him for more thatn 4 years now and wants to live with him for the next years to come. That makes total sense to me. However to OP seems to have developed this "I need my own space" mentality which isnt "normal" when it comes to long term relationships. He is looking for opinions, so obviously depending on the input on here he might be willing to be a bit more flexible with his partner.

    I agree he has to solve this problem talking to his boyfriend directly but that does not mean that our advices are irrelevant to his decision making process.
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    Dec 07, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    one year; to soon...what are you lesbian?
    Two years: you made it past the point where most relationships fail...must be doing something right.
    4.5 years...shit or get off the pot all ready.
    Fear of commitment sucks, especially for the other guy.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Dec 07, 2010 3:12 AM GMT
    charlitos said
    MuscleComeBack saidYou know, this is for you to discuss with HIM.

    Your relationship has to be strong enough to have this conversation with the guy you love, and the guy who is asking for something that has you nervous. You have to be forthright and upfront with your fears and your preferences and let your relationship go through ALL the ups and downs, including this one, if it's to truly survive and thrive.

    No matter what WE say here, it's what you decide between the two of you that really matters, and the person who should be weighing in on this before any of us do is your boyfriend.



    According to his story,his boyfriend seems to be a nice guy whos loved him for more thatn 4 years now and wants to live with him for the next years to come. That makes total sense to me. However to OP seems to have developed this "I need my own space" mentality which isnt "normal" when it comes to long term relationships. He is looking for opinions, so obviously depending on the input on here he might be willing to be a bit more flexible with his partner.

    I agree he has to solve this problem talking to his boyfriend directly but that does not mean that our advices are irrelevant to his decision making process.


    No, I disagree. 4.5 years is much TOO long and moving in is too big an issue to throw out for somebody else to decide for you. This has to be brought to the source for discussion and it's the only place it will get the resolution it deserves. Until his BF has chimed in on his feelings about the OP's problem with moving in, we're essentially pooled ignorance. IF he were telling us what the BFs feelings were about his reluctance and they'd had lengthy discussion about those concerns, then we might be valuable counsel. But it's too one-sided and it seems too much of a cop-out to come to us to decide for him until he's man'd up with the BF.
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    Dec 07, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    And what is wrong with not living together if two people already love each other? who saids that you have to physically live together 24/7 to be together for life!? I say nonsense, when two people dearly and truly love each other time and space shouldn't be an issue.


    Leandro ♥
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    Dec 07, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    Bill and I have a rule we go by..always get a place where, if you are at opposite ends of the house, you have to scream at each other to be heard. That's space.

    -Doug

  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Dec 07, 2010 7:35 AM GMT
    It sounds like maybe you didnt have the chance to ever be independent if you started with him at 21 ? Im assuming you both are monogomous ? Could it be you never had the chance to date others ? Have sex with others ? So now you are feeling trapped and committed if you live together ?
    Maybe you still need the separation of living apart because you do want the freedom to see others and feel that will forever be gone if you live together ?

    The single most important element of any relationship/marriage is being able to openly comunicate to each other and know what you really want for yourself and from him. I can tell you that as your life progresses a loving partner is a wonderful thing. All the sex in the world does not equal that.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Dec 07, 2010 7:41 AM GMT
    meninlove said Bill and I have a rule we go by..always get a place where, if you are at opposite ends of the house, you have to scream at each other to be heard. That's space.

    -Doug


    As you get older and lose hearing, that could be ten feet apart.
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    Dec 07, 2010 8:08 AM GMT
    camfer said
    meninlove said Bill and I have a rule we go by..always get a place where, if you are at opposite ends of the house, you have to scream at each other to be heard. That's space.

    -Doug

    As you get older and lose hearing, that could be ten feet apart.

    I'm sorry, what did you say?
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    Dec 07, 2010 8:09 AM GMT
    camfer said
    meninlove said Bill and I have a rule we go by..always get a place where, if you are at opposite ends of the house, you have to scream at each other to be heard. That's space.

    -Doug


    As you get older and lose hearing, that could be ten feet apart.


    In my case sometimes right next to each other. haha
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    Dec 07, 2010 8:19 AM GMT
    My gay mentor had a partner for several years, and they kept separate places. My friend was afraid of having another failed relationship, and didn't want to give up a very good apartment in the gay heart of town, later to find himself up the creek if things went sour. (His place was nice, but too small for 2, so it would be him who'd be moving)

    Plus he liked his privacy, not sure he could live with another guy again. So they took turns sleeping over, and a few nights a week sleeping alone.

    But finally after 3 years he took the plunge, the 2 of them getting an entirely new place together. It worked out fine. icon_biggrin.gif

    What works for you & him works for you & him, not for us. And hopefully what works for one of you will work for both of you.

    Some of us are more a social creature than others are. That's normal & natural. As for myself, I hate an empty bed, need a man beside me, even if we don't do anything. Whenever my partner is away overnight for any reason I sleep badly all alone.

    Funny, because I always thought I was a loner. I guess when you find the guy you want, a loner becomes a lover.