Why Am I Attracted To The Unobtainable ?

  • GettingFitter

    Posts: 158

    Mar 18, 2008 11:45 AM GMT
    I know that at the moment my physique is not what id ideally like it to be, and I am honest to admit that its gonna take a lot of will power and blood, sweat and a heck of a lot of hardcore cardio to get me to a place where I am happy to show off my body and my face on a site such as this. Which makes me kind of infuriated with myself because I am, for better or worse, attracted to very fit guys who would never consider going out with me as I am physically looking at this moment in time.

    Now I am not trying to cry me a river over this, but it is just fact that the very fit guys are always attracted to their own 'type' and will not go out with someone if they are even overweight but not by a obese degree, which thankfully I am not. But this still does not stop me admiring the really hot blonde dude with the tight low rise jeans and snug fitting black sweater who always sits next to me on the train ride home from college, or the sexy silver haired daddy construction worker who still wears shorts so short they show off every curve and mould of his well built arse icon_redface.gif

    It is just......infuriating that I cannot get over my attractions to the type of bloke I physically lust after, yet in my head know I will not have a chance in hell of getting to know until I loose this excess flab and tone up. For reference sake, the type of guys I fall in lust after on a regular basis have the physique Benjamin McKenzie aka Ryan from The OC. Not big and bulging but definately built, lean and cut. Having a scottish accent helps too to a degree icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 18, 2008 12:45 PM GMT
    It's funny how everyone thinks they have it so rough. I have tried to improve myself to the utmost degree in every area that I have control over (body, personality, career, etc.), and I still can't get a response from most local guys my age, let alone a date. And I know I don't have it that rough.

    Blame it on the media for telling us what physical perfection should look like. Blame it on society for having a herd mentality. The very fact that you find yourself unattractive propagates this notion, and it is sad.

    If you don't find yourself attractive, how can you expect other people to?
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    Mar 18, 2008 4:54 PM GMT
    We all are at some stage then when we get them we dont want them thats life!
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    Mar 18, 2008 5:59 PM GMT
    I'm not trying to take up Chucky's mantle here...but waah! I don't think there is a single gay man who hasn't wanted the "unattainable".

    Your issue is really psychological, and you should get some therapy for it. Because even if you develop your body into a chisled Adonis, do you think you will still not want what you can't have?

    As far as guys liking their own "kind"...that's BS. I actually don't like guys my size (I'm 5'4", 205 lbs with 12% bf). "Then why," you may ask, "do you continue to work to look as you do?" Because it gives me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, and its what makes me feel good about myself. If all you care for are in the looks department, then you will spend a long, lonely life, because no one will be able to measure up to your standards. And if you dismiss guys on looks, you are probably missing out on some wonderful guys who may like you just the way you are.

    Seriously...get some therapy so your mind will be as fit as you want your body to be. Your insecurities will likely increase as you get fitter if you don't start expanding your horizons.

    And...to paraphrase Chucky on this one...put some pictures up of yourself. No one is here to ridicule, and many of us might actually be able to help you get to your physical goals.
  • eckilegs

    Posts: 223

    Mar 18, 2008 6:17 PM GMT
    nwphx hit the nail on the head I think. It's just like how a lot of women want to be so skinny. It's the physical frame that many celebrities on t.v., in ads, and movies all possess. Since there is so much attention and value placed on phyical perfection in society and the media, we as humans want to obtain that as well, whether it be for ourselves or (sometimes) for the people we spend time with. I think a lot of people want have amazing frames so they can feel valued by others. In your situation, there are very few centerfolds featuring overweight guys. It's not something that the majority deems attractive. It doesn't justify anyone giving you the cold shoulder in my opinion, but that's just the mindset I believe exists.
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    Mar 18, 2008 6:59 PM GMT
    I agree. I saw something my sophomore year of college that I'll never forget. I was at the gym back when I was actually consistent about going, using an elliptical machine when this girl walked into the cardio room. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. The poor girl literally looked like a walking skeleton. Her eyes looked sunk into their sockets, her joints bulged and her skin looked like my grandma's. Can anyone guess what she was carrying in her hands? A Glamour magazine. Yep... it was quite sad.
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    Mar 18, 2008 7:03 PM GMT
    Getting Fitter:

    Listen carefully, because you're neither going to believe this, nor like hearing it.

    My first (of two) serious LTRs was with a very attractive guy, but not one of the "god" types. When we broke up, our sex life had died some two years earlier and I was insane with lust, since I wouldn't cheat on him.

    So, of course, the next boyfriend was my physical ideal: lean, lanky, cut, muscular, and handsome.
    And he turned out to be a self-absorbed, selfish psycho. I broke up with him a year ago this week and I still haven't felt like dating since. The attraction was that our sex life was explosive--hot, frequent, and it was ALL WE HAD IN COMMON. And when I was finally sick of his jealousy, controlling behavior, and manipulativeness, I didn't even want to have sex with him anymore.

    So think hard about your criteria. It's the old truth: Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
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    Mar 18, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
    Each person is different and the reasons why we all fall victim to destructive behaviors such as this one is also very different.

    The fact that you recognize you have an issue is a plus but the only way you are going to resolve it is to go and get some help understanding what drives them in you. Help can range from books to friends to a qualified professional but you definitely need to actively manage your issues.

    Certainly society and the media play a large role in how we perceive ourselves and others but ultimately you decide what is important in yourself and in those you want to be with. Take responsibility for your happiness and appreciate what you bring to the table.

    There are very few guys out there that want to be with a man who whines about the bad cards life has dealt him. So buck up, figure out what your doing wrong and live life to it's fullest.
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    Mar 18, 2008 7:51 PM GMT
    Often we are attracted to what we want to be and what we perceive ourselves as not being without that ideal having anything to do with the person whom we actually want to be with. That is along way to say that our desires are an expression of who we want to be and not whom we wish to be with.

    I don't say that is always the case but that is often the case, and often the case with me.

    My attraction to the so called "perfect man" is essentially affirmative narcissism.

    That our reach exceeds our grasp is a design feature, and not a defect.

    I recall what King Vidor had to say about Orson Welles, "There but for the Grace of G-d foes G-d".

    The last thing I would say is good luck at trying to not be attracted to what attracts you. Our desires are, well, desirable, and therefore make themselves difficult to deny.

    I find it funny that the Italians will do just about any insane thing and then excuse themselves saying something like "era piu forte di me". It is a funny a beautiful way to say that their desire was stronger than their opposing will.

    To finish, the last word always goes to Oscar Wilde "The only way to diminish temptation is to yield to it" JPR's story of beautiful psycho boyfriends as a cautionary tale is really on point. We must indeed be careful what we wish for, but we are not.

    Good luck
    Terry
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Mar 18, 2008 8:12 PM GMT
    Pft, try being best friends with THE straight version of the man you fall asleep dreaming about. Not intensely fit, but fit enough, not intensely smart, but smart enough, happy-go-lucky, and a sexy deep voice to boot.

    Ugh. I watched eating out 1 and 2 last week and just kept thinking to myself "Why isn't MY university experience as hot as this?"

    Then I realized it was fiction. Much like the magazines and the ads we seem to idolize.

    I'm hot. Like, fucking smoking hot. I'm not buff but I'm solidly muscular and have been the hottest guy several of my 'conquests' had ever fucked. However, I photograph incredibly poorly, and when I first came on here and saw the hotness of other guys I was like "Oh fuck"
    Kinda got me down for a bit.

    Then I remembered...I AM hot. I AM sexy. I AM smart, fun, and sometimes I can even be funny. People may pass me up cause they're scared to talk to me (I give off a really intimidating aura) but I still know I'm awesome, and the right guy will too.

    "I don't want sooommmebody to love me just give me sex wheennnever I want it. Cause all I ask fooorrr is instant pleasure instant pleasure instant plea-sure."

    Don't stop looking at houses because you think you can't afford them; they're probably a lot closer to your price range than you think.
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    Mar 18, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    you're not the only one.....the guys i like dont like me back..or at least i think so....at times i believe that i need a complete body/face makeover and shed some pounds and get skinny
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    Mar 18, 2008 11:36 PM GMT
    Moudi saidyou're not the only one.....the guys i like dont like me back..or at least i think so....at times i believe that i need a complete body/face makeover and shed some pounds and get skinny


    Shed some pounds? Are you off your chump??
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    Mar 18, 2008 11:39 PM GMT
    jprichva said[quote][cite]Moudi said[/cite]you're not the only one.....the guys i like dont like me back..or at least i think so....at times i believe that i need a complete body/face makeover and shed some pounds and get skinny


    Shed some pounds? Are you off your chump??[/quote]

    Im obsessed with thin guys, being thin, and all that round bout mind fuckery.

    I honestly do think im fat
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    Mar 18, 2008 11:40 PM GMT
    Moudi saidIm obsessed with thin guys, being thin, and all that round bout mind fuckery.
    I honestly do think im fat


    Moudi, I mean this very kindly. This is delusional. If your pictures are accurate, you are already slim. Your body is very attractive. Take a look at pictures of victims of anorexia nervosa. They are not sexy.
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    Mar 19, 2008 12:22 AM GMT
    GettingFitter: Since you don't have a picture up, I can't really confirm your own perceptions of yourself. Usually most people tend to overshoot where they actually are either in terms of being overweight or underestimate their appeal to others. A lot of it I have the media to blame (TV, magazines, internet, *advertisements* in general) for constantly and falsely reinforcing the unobtainable. Those are truly a figment of your imagination because in general they are. What you see on the screen usually goes through an extensive doctoring process that simply is not natural -- yet it is so expertly made to appear so.

    As for the people you long after in your day-to-day routine, then you definitely have a chance with them. You seem to be passionate about how even these guys won't go for you. While genetics does play a role in a person's physical appearance, there is still a lot that can be changed and is up to the person on where they want to go. Consider it as part of the motivation to work up your body. Everyone can do it regardless of what shape they are. Patience and perseverance is what gets the job done. You are 24 and have plenty of time to get to work on your body. icon_smile.gif

    Moudi: I agree with jprichva in saying that you are not at all fat. You look great as you are!
  • GettingFitter

    Posts: 158

    Mar 20, 2008 12:57 AM GMT
    Thank you so much for your replies guys. It's given me a lot to ponder and also inspiration to just suck it up and get on with my life and new fitness regime and just see what will happen. IT is indeed useless to worry over something that hasn't even happened yet and if a cl;assic 'jock' type guy would fancy me as I am looking physically now then great, but now I am not going to be wanting this type of guy 24/7 and wondering why he is not 'into me' as I would like.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 20, 2008 10:55 AM GMT
    You know what?

    We ALL are attracted to the unattainable
    but be careful what you wish for
    I dated a guy for a while
    and he was unbelievably gorgeous
    and while there are def benefits for having a guy like that...
    but try going anywhere without your BF being hit on
    and of course because of all that constant attention it does eventually go to their head
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    Mar 20, 2008 1:39 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou know what?

    We ALL are attracted to the unattainable
    but be careful what you wish for
    I dated a guy for a while
    and he was unbelievably gorgeous
    and while there are def benefits for having a guy like that...
    but try going anywhere without your BF being hit on
    and of course because of all that constant attention it does eventually go to their head



    i hate those kind of guys...they are so egocentric, its a turn off
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    Mar 20, 2008 2:24 PM GMT
    Thank heavens I find the geeky, quiet and intelligent type just as adorable as the Adonis type. "Looks are only skin deep" is a cliche that everyone should remember, there is more than a grain of truth in it.
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    Mar 20, 2008 3:37 PM GMT
    MOUDIIm obsessed with thin guys, being thin, and all that round bout mind fuckery.

    I honestly do think im fat


    *sigh* Based on your profile pics, I wish I was as fat as you. :-)
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 20, 2008 9:43 PM GMT
    But don't buy into the media packaged hype...
    Yeah...there are some gorgeous guys out there
    but when you get close enough to say hello
    that image and daydream that you usually have in your head falls away
    ... and you say what the hell was I thinkin' ?icon_confused.gif
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    Mar 20, 2008 9:49 PM GMT
    GQjock saidBut don't buy into the media packaged hype...
    Yeah...there are some gorgeous guys out there
    but when you get close enough to say hello
    that image and daydream that you usually have in your head falls away
    ... and you say what the hell was I thinkin' ?icon_confused.gif


    Ouch! What can I say but, "I'm sorry!" just kiddin' ya!


  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Mar 20, 2008 9:57 PM GMT
    *sigh*

    I miss chuckystud. Could someone find one of his posts and cut and paste it in here? I'm sure if I ever become single again, I'd need to see it too.
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    Mar 20, 2008 10:00 PM GMT
    You're mentally ill, Auryn. But at least you're not pictureless. Also, you have false belief systems.

    Time to hit the buffet.

    There, feel better?
  • irishboxers

    Posts: 357

    Mar 20, 2008 10:02 PM GMT
    I read a quote once that said "Instead of looking for Mr. Right, I'm trying to BE Mr. Right." Less emphasis on what we're lacking, gents, and more on maximizing what we've got.

    If you've got yourself in a great place and some hottie doesn't notice that you're a catch, whose fault is that? HIS!