who should come first in your "heart of hearts".....wife/bf or your mother?

  • rnch

    Posts: 11501

    Dec 07, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    this may not be a situation that many gay men can relate to...but here goes.

    my bf, like his bf (me), was a "late bloomer". he didn't admit to himself that he was gay until his early 40's. he had/still legally has a most understanding wife.

    at a Christmas family gathering two years ago, one of his brothers said something snarky and mean spirited about his wife. his mother agreed with whatever was said. (when he finally told me what it was, i thought it was trivial nonsence).

    since them my bf has given his given his family the cold shoulder routine. he seems to give his mother the brunt of this freeze out routine.

    in spite of the deep freeze routine, his mother has continued to "be nice" to him, going out of her way to maintain contact and keep the lines of communication open.

    his behavior puzzles me. i cannot rationalize it. this is the woman who raised him, made him the (otherwise) loving man he is today. as his father has passed away; she is all he has left.

    to be blunt about it, she's no spring chicken. she ain't gonna last forever! his behavior towards her hurts ME, so i can only image what she is feeling.

    so guys..............waddua think? who comes first? an emerging gay man's almost-ex wife or his mother?
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    Dec 07, 2010 4:18 PM GMT
    have you asked your boyfriend?....................keithicon_cool.gif
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    Dec 07, 2010 4:33 PM GMT
    First I agree with Keith...

    Second, could it be that he has some "love" for her still? While not sexually attracted to her maybe he was really hurt by their statements? Some things just cannot be taken back and leave emotional scars..

    But yea, if it is bothering you or if it is stressing you out I say talk to him. But be prepaired incase he doesn't wish to share..
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    Dec 07, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    at first i thought it was that his brother said something mean spirited about him being gay, but i was speed reading >.< if that was the case then i'd agree with your bf. but then i reread and saw it was about his exwife, which is just dumb for him to be that upset over.

    maybe though, there's more to this than meets the eye. there might be a history between him and his mother and this reaction might be misdirected angst for something /else/ that happened. it doesn't make sense that he would cut ties with his mother over an ex wife.
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    Dec 07, 2010 5:58 PM GMT
    you don't know everything he and his mother have been through... ( well i don't)
    but really he probably knows she is not that young and it probably hurts him .. we as men deal wth hurt alott of times by portraying anger .. and yes he has been through a hell of change. and to have his ex wife still stand by him as a friend after all this .. he would be a fool not to love her ( Platonic way) His mother may judge people too many times or could be something that stems off something she had said earlier in his marriage nothing is for sure but the thing is... she raised him, and he needs to express his feelings to her properly not giving the cold shoulder. drop the grudge and tell her that it's unacceptable to insult people who he cares about and who support him soo dearly. and then move on .
    it's not too much yur place to decide that for him .. but talk to him about it kindly .... express how this grudge isn't something he should let eat him and his mother apart.. and if you can ask the wife to support his mother and him having a healthy relationship for his sake that would show alot from her.... bad things are said all the time .. i deal wth it strait from my mother's mouth .... and it's still important to stay firm but forgive. because when she is gone ... there will be no way to fix that wound.
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    Dec 07, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    I honestly don't know. All I can tell you is my own "strategy" for you to apply it here, however it may or may not work in this or other situations.

    I like family harmony. And I prefer that I be personally accepted by my BF's or partner's family. And I've always succeeded.

    My motivation isn't entirely selfish, not all about me. Actually, it's usually about HIM, and what's best for him, what will make him happiest and most content, keep him close to his family. The last thing I want is for me to be the wedge that separates him from them. And if I can be the glue, even better.

    And so I turn on the charm, seduce his family as best I can (I'm so shamelessly calculating). I've had any number of BFs tell me that their families liked me more than them! Even my present partner continues to tell me that.

    Well, that's what I want. To like me is to like him. I serve my partner, not myself. With the assumption that he in turn serves me. And he does.

    I've also posted here that I've had countless guys tell me how horrible members of their family were: fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, others. And then I meet them, and they are totally charming! I mean, really nice.

    So what's the disconnect? Am I that irresistible & adorable? Hardly!

    Everyone has their own view of the people in their lives, based on their own history. But I don't. I approach everyone with an open mind, despite what I was forewarned. And 9 times out of 10, they aren't anything like what I was told.

    And so I find these people as they are today, without all the past baggage a gay guy has told me about. Guess what? They've moved on, they aren't what I was briefed, they aren't the monsters some gay guy claimed they are.

    And they become my friends, and my guy learns they aren't his enemies after all. If I could tell you how often this has happened, and why I always doubt gay guys when they tell me how awful people in their lives have been.

    So that in evaluating wives and mothers, I'm more than a little dubious.