Moving on from someone after a breakup

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    Dec 08, 2010 2:32 AM GMT
    When you have deep feelings of love for another man, but they are not returned, how do you move on from a break up. I find myself in despair and feeling hopeless and depressed. Do you move on to another man? Or do you take time out? I'm emotionally drained. But feel hopelessly in love with him. How do you cope with work, and working out, since the break up I can't seem to function. I know it will take time, but is there a method of easing the pain and moving forward ?
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    Dec 08, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidWhen you have deep feelings of love for another man, but they are not returned, how do you move on from a break up. I find myself in despair and feeling hopeless and depressed. Do you move on to another man? Or do you take time out? I'm emotionally drained. But feel hopelessly in love with him. How do you cope with work, and working out, since the break up I can't seem to function. I know it will take time, but is there a method of easing the pain and moving forward ?


    I never found one. I felt the way you do just about every time I was in love but had to end things because the feelings weren't returned. The despair is an indicator of how deeply you can love, and that bit of self-validation was the key for me. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    Focus on yourself, what makes you happy, work, friends, gym. Its not going to be an easy road to recovery but at least you've realized that your love and affections are not being returned.
    Sometimes at "the moment" the guy may seem like the one, you cant stop thinking about him how everything is perfect, except for that one missing token. He doesn't feel the same back, sometimes love takes time to grow, other times its just not meant to be. It may take a bit to see his true colours and there might be cues all along to something. You'll look back and think "damn, what the hell was I thinking?" I've been there before and it took me a number of years to really get over it. You, it might take a few months, or weeks. The first few weeks are the hardest, its constant the pain, the thoughts of him. Some folks find the need to talk things out with that guy. While everyone does things differently, i dont suggest it. Sometimes its like peeling open a scabbed over wound.

    Everyone copes differently, some go and meet others, talk with friends or hook-up alot, I keep to myself and goto the gym alot. Work helps sometimes in keeping your mind occupied for a little bit, if it doesnt initially, it will over time. The depressed/hopeless feeling is natural, thats what makes us human.

    Try your hardest to focus on you, hang out with friends, I found that talking things out with my closest friend as redundant as it often gets, helped ease the pain the most. If he/she is your best friend they wont mind listening, thats what they're here for, to pick each other up in a moment of weakness.
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    Dec 08, 2010 6:31 AM GMT
    Been together for about 8 months. 4-5 nights a week. So its an adjustment for sure but I am not coping too well, I decided that I don't want to see him again but I do want to talk to him once more. because he ended it with me, and I don't have any closure...
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    Dec 08, 2010 11:18 AM GMT
    Hey I feel for you, not having any closure must really be an emotional pain simply because you'd be wondering why. If it was something you did or not?

    Now to be fair I've not ever had a relationship of my own, but I have friends who have felt exactly the same, and one common thing that they've always said was that if this didn't work out, it just means that there's someone even better out there for you.

    Not to say he was bad, but maybe just not for you. A common perspective they held was that there's hope on the other side, and in time you will eventually make the adjustment to being single again and in the process of overcoming you get new strength in yourself. Now hopefully it never happens again, but if it ever did you'd be stronger that time around and you learn to deal with things better and easier.

    Anyway, I hope that helped some way or another and wish you all the best.
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    Dec 08, 2010 12:13 PM GMT
    After I ended my four year relationship I was having a very hard time.. One day I snapped and broke everything in my kitchen; that was the dam breaking, so to speak, which finally allowed me to experience what I was feeling.
    I think the idea is to be good to yourself, treat yourself with kid gloves, and know that you are awsome.. If there is anything you can learn from the passing relationship then honor that and the goodtimes, let the rest go..
    Good luck bud
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    Dec 08, 2010 12:17 PM GMT
    I find the best way is to get blazed whenever you think of the guy.
  • FreakTheBeat

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    Dec 08, 2010 12:19 PM GMT
    Arcanine saidI find the best way is to get blazed whenever you think of the guy.


    I'm not gonna lie. This does the trick. You'll be too high to care. I was in a bad situation. Helped so much. And so I'm here 6 months later, doing better than ever! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 08, 2010 12:27 PM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidWhen you have deep feelings of love for another man, but they are not returned, how do you move on from a break up. I find myself in despair and feeling hopeless and depressed. Do you move on to another man? Or do you take time out? I'm emotionally drained. But feel hopelessly in love with him. How do you cope with work, and working out, since the break up I can't seem to function. I know it will take time, but is there a method of easing the pain and moving forward ?


    You keep on living your life! You go out, meet your friends and/or make new friends, have fun, work out, go out to eat, travel, and take time to heal. I'm still reeling from my break-up and it's been well over a year; but, there were certain circumstances that make mine harder to deal with. Anyways, just continue to live your life as best you can without the pain and emotional heartache dragging you down.
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    Dec 08, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidWhen you have deep feelings of love for another man, but they are not returned, how do you move on from a break up. I find myself in despair and feeling hopeless and depressed. Do you move on to another man? Or do you take time out? I'm emotionally drained. But feel hopelessly in love with him. How do you cope with work, and working out, since the break up I can't seem to function. I know it will take time, but is there a method of easing the pain and moving forward ?


    Transfer your fixation from one particular (the guy in question) to another (new challenging goal/structured hobby/work-out/making new friends/learning a language/travel).
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    Dec 08, 2010 1:04 PM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidWhen you have deep feelings of love for another man, but they are not returned, how do you move on from a break up. I find myself in despair and feeling hopeless and depressed. Do you move on to another man? Or do you take time out? I'm emotionally drained. But feel hopelessly in love with him. How do you cope with work, and working out, since the break up I can't seem to function. I know it will take time, but is there a method of easing the pain and moving forward ?

    I've always maintained that the best way to get over an old love is with a new love.

    Easier said than done in many cases, of course, and one must be wary of the "rebound" effect. Still, a new man does erase memories of the previous man, better than anything I know.

    And until that new man comes along, if you take that path, remember that you are good, and strong, and YOU. Others do not control your life -- YOU do!
  • DanOmatic

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    Dec 08, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    I think most of the advice given so far is spot-on: allow yourself to experience the depth of emotion you are experiencing, but also make sure that you are doing good things for yourself--things that you find rewarding and uplifting. Just take it one day at a time and remember to be kind to yourself.
  • tuffguyndc

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    Dec 08, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    CaliBoySwag saidWhen you have deep feelings of love for another man, but they are not returned, how do you move on from a break up. I find myself in despair and feeling hopeless and depressed. Do you move on to another man? Or do you take time out? I'm emotionally drained. But feel hopelessly in love with him. How do you cope with work, and working out, since the break up I can't seem to function. I know it will take time, but is there a method of easing the pain and moving forward ?

    well i have never been in love caliboy so i am not sure. however, i have had friends who have been in love and my advice to them was to come hangout with me. since you live in cali you can't do that. ha ha ha ha seriously, hangout with friends. if you play sports start playing more. starting volunteering, and no do not try to date another man right away. dude, you need time to heal mentally, emotionally, and physically. as for working out. dude, keep up your workouts. if you find it draining get some upbeat music to help you make it through your workout
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    Dec 08, 2010 1:25 PM GMT
    Outta sight, outta mind.

    I'm a firm believer in completely removing from your life those things that cause you pain. Life is too short to suffer over changeable circumstances.
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    Dec 08, 2010 1:55 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidOutta sight, outta mind.
    I'm a firm believer in completely removing from your life those things that cause you pain.

    Easier said than done. The experience of loving someone reshapes your sense of self. So once you have loved someone they will always be alive somewhere in your consciousness. The hard part is to divert your attention from that inner presence until it doesn't hurt you anymore. Only time makes that happen.
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    Dec 08, 2010 2:44 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    RunintheCity saidOutta sight, outta mind.
    I'm a firm believer in completely removing from your life those things that cause you pain.

    Easier said than done. The experience of loving someone reshapes your sense of self. So once you have loved someone they will always be alive somewhere in your consciousness. The hard part is to divert your attention from that inner presence until it doesn't hurt you anymore. Only time makes that happen.


    Thanks for the advice. I have cried my share of tears, and still do. Even at work I start to break down and I have tried to put it out of my mind but so far it has not worked. It feels like the world is ending... I have not felt this way before. and moving on from him is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. This was a unique relationship with someone I really clicked with, and who I believe cares about me, but won't admit to that fact. He is leaving for overseas in a couple of months which is why I think he ended it with me, but I am left wondering why and what happened. and how i can fix it, or if I can fix it. Or how to move on from it. I just can't stop thinking about it and I'm so emotionally drained.
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    Dec 08, 2010 2:51 PM GMT
    There's no magic pill, it just takes time unfortunately!

    I sympathise with the feeling of not having closure when it was his decision to end it. It is not nice when you end it yourself but at least then it's your decision and in many ways it's much easier to move on.

    My advice is just make sure you spend plenty of time with friends and family but also important to spend time on yourself and just take the time to grieve the end of the relationship. If you try to rush the process it will actually just take longer to get over. You'll get there!
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    Dec 08, 2010 2:55 PM GMT
    Well, this "This was a unique relationship with someone I really clicked with, and who I believe cares about me, but won't admit to that fact."

    ...is a pretty big un-clickness. There's nothing to fix; he doesn't feel the same way, or you wouldn't be talking to us and he'd be there with you. What you're experiencing is grief, like a sudden death with no explanation.


    *hug*
    -Doug

    PS one of the most important aspects of a great relationship is the ability of the people in them to profess their love for each other, by actions and/or words. I think you deserve that kind, don't you?
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    meninlove said Well, this "This was a unique relationship with someone I really clicked with, and who I believe cares about me, but won't admit to that fact."

    PS one of the most important aspects of a great relationship is the ability of the people in them to profess their love for each other, by actions and/or words. I think you deserve that kind, don't you?


    Yes I do deserve it, but I can't choose who I fall in love with. I haven't been in love in a very long time and it happened by accident. He did tell me that he did not return the feelings. So i continued into the relationship knowing this, but unable to escape from it because my feelings are so strong. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

    I did see a doctor who put me on anti anxiety medication but that is not helping either.
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    Consider taking a trip abroad for as long as you can.
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:45 PM GMT
    "He did tell me that he did not return the feelings. So i continued into the relationship knowing this, but unable to escape from it because my feelings are so strong."

    There's where we're different. I learned, the hard way, to walk away when that happened. Unrequited love has been around, I think, for about as long as humans have existed. icon_wink.gif

    To love well is a precious thing; don't throw it at the feet of the indifferent, because they'll step on it.

    -Doug


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    Dec 08, 2010 3:51 PM GMT
    I'd say take time to let your emotions settle. Moving on too fast is likely to leave you setting a benchmark for all the others to meet and that won't happen. Give yourself time to grieve your loss and ease yourself back into dating when you feel it's time. It's OK to feel the way you do, it's all a part of grieving something (or someone) you've lost. Good luck!
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    The best advice one can give is to listen to yourself and shed light upon others input. (There is not right or wrong.)

    A couple of months way-way back... I felt the same way for someone, I actually had to take a couple of days off work to figure things out. I was drained and was making myself stupidly-ill. Eventually I got out and re-shifted my focus on "me time." I soon understood what I wanted in life (more so than before), what type of future partner/bf I wanted, and became laser-focused on my career/friendships. This in the end help me achieve what I now call - my personall success.

    As rhetorical as this may sound, look from within yourself and define what truly matters to you. Love isn't love without pain. Love isn't love without hope. Nor is love without love ____________ (fill in the blank).

    I use to think the gay world is pretty small, but in the end...when I slowly allow the pain to fade, others came to surface when I was more laser-focused with myself (confidence is an attraction!).

    Best of luck! And HUGS! Talk about it....never be afraid to speak your mind. This is why I <3 RJ!

    Happy Holi-Dizzle Peeps!
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    Lots of great advice from all above.
    You are luckier than most here since you have a young son and hopefully your present situation will give you more opportunity to bond with him (doubles too as a distraction from your present heart-ache). Recycling heart-ache into productive nurturing would be ideal if you could get yourself to do it.
    Warm wishes.
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    Dec 08, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    You cannot love again until you love yourself first.. take some time to find some good old fashioned self love.. follow the advice of many here that said to focus on YOU for awhile..