I don't know what to do anymore:(...

  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Dec 08, 2010 8:58 AM GMT
    Hi, last year I was very depressed due to a few issues, lost my confidence, still am to some degree, but it's all better thanks to one guy... We met online a year ago and just started chatting... For the past year we've been chatting and talking over the phone for hours and hours every day... He would be so supportive, understanding and caring, at first I saw him just as a friend, but later it sort of evolved when we met in real life. He lives 2 hours (by car) away from me and he does come to my city cause of college, not veeery often, but we do see each other plus I have the possibility to go to his place, too. I was hesitant about coffee at first, but he just wouldn't let it go so I gave in... And of course fell in love... We kissed, had sex and all that stuff already, and that's a big thing since he won't even kiss someone if it's a stranger, so it must mean he likes me.

    But that's when things went sort of bad... I started wanting more and more and the more I pushed him to talk to me or come, the less he would answer or come... He says it's all complicated and all of a sudden he's this cold person who can control his feelings and doesn't want me to have any hope cause of the 2 hour distance... He did admit I'm not just like any other person to him, but that's about it. I think the problem is his family and friends are more important to him than any guy... I have practically had to push him to talk with me for an hour daily, but when I get angry he calls and is all sad and stuff. He says he doesn't want feelings to interfere with his college and futher plans. I told him on several occasions I'm in love with him, but he never answers back, he just says he doesn't want to talk about it and give me any hope since it's not sure he'll get a job in my city.

    But the thing is, his college will be over in 8 months and the teachers have already told him he'll have any city he wants since they are the first generation with that kind of college (forensics), but he still makes up reasons not to give me any hope. Yesterday I told him like that's great, since I live in the capital city there's bound to be work here and he answered yeah, but there's also more competition. And again with the I'm not having any hopes, neither should you. It's like he doesn't want to let me go, but he doesn't want anything serious, either. And I just know when the time comes my city won't be a choice for him because he won't want to move from everyone he knows in life. He's been really stubborn lately and I don't even know him anymore. He blames his ex for leaving him and says that's why he's so cool and careful. Knowing that he did a similar thing to a friend of mine last year and told him he doesn't like the capital city that much doesn't help things, either...

    I'm really desperate, he tells me not to hope, but I just can't, I love him, he's the only reason I'm not depressed that much anymore, but the more I push the more he runs away... At first he told me he was caring and sensitive and all, but he's not at all. He's cold as a rock, even when we're together I can see that the feelings don't surface. But then sometimes he does get all emotional for a few mins... The fact he hasn't given up on me yet with all the drama going on does make me think he does feel something... But I'm afraid he'd be fine with us just being long distance friends, but I won't be able to cope with that, I thought he really is the sweetest guy I have ever met, but it seems he thinks of me as just another ok guy so if it doesn't work out, no big deal..

    He opens up really slowly and I still don't know any of his gay friends and half of his str8 friends cause he's so damn stubborn... Plus I think he's started to not tell me things or even lie cause he doesn't want the drama, and I try to be understaning, but sometimes he says the most insensitive and stupid things towards me that I go all emotional, and I don't want us to start keeping things from each othericon_sad.gif...

    All my friends are telling me to just forget about him and start ignoring him, but I really don't know what to do anymoreicon_sad.gif... He is soooo confusing, I love him, but I don't want to wait another year for him to tell me look I told you not to have hopes so now that I really am not coming what's the problem... My gut is telling me the same, but I just can't bring myself to start ignoring him and see if he reacts cause I'm so afraid he won't react... And I really only have this love in my life right now, everything else is fucked up:/...

    Sorry for the long post:/...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2010 11:13 AM GMT
    Wow that sounds painful.

    I'll be honest. The more you keep pushing the more he'll keep running. A relationship goes 2 ways so if you're doing most of the work and he doesn't want to, then it's going to fall apart.

    By the sounds of things, he probably doesn't want a relationship since he is so hesitant about it. When you told him you love him and he couldn't reply back, that's a good indicator that he might not want a relationship with you now. He could have at one point, but at present it seems like he doesn't.

    The difference now is that before he WANTED to spend all that time with you talking on the phone, but now that you keep pushing it, he probably doesn't feel like wanting to and feels more like it's become chore-like or too high maintenance. He might be the type of person who likes things easy going and with you pushing to talk to him he might feel is too demanding.
    He might be in a place of confusion not knowing what he wants right now, juggling relationships or his studies but I think the best thing for both of you is space.

    I know you're in love with him, and you've made an emotional connection since he was what helped bring you out of your crisis, but to be honest you cannot and should not rely on him or anyone to make you feel confident or 'whole'. That's something you should find within yourself because people come and go as it's human nature and if you rely on that as your confidence or sense of identity, it's going to fluctuate up and down because of the instability. You can feel a new sense of being 'one' with a partner, but your confidence in yourself should really rely on you and not on people.

    I know it's easier said than done, and to be fair I'm working on my own confidence myself, so hopefully I'm not coming across like a hypocrite and I apologise if I do.
    When someone feels like something is happening too fast, they usually tend to step back and come up for air, and from what it sounds like this is what might be happening with him. Now I'm not saying to completely ignore him and shut him out for good, but I do think you both need time away from each other to really discover who you are as a person without being attached to someone.

    In the long run, you might feel that all the time and emotion you invested into him you don't want to go to waste, but if the future is you constantly trying to fight for his attention, I think you deserve a better future than that.
    Think hard about if how you're being treated is what you deserve.

    Okay now to make it completely fair and advice that you might want to listen to, I do have to say that I've not ever had a relationship of my own, I have however seen first-hand different kinds of relationships and how people have worked them out or what eventually caused the split so I'm just basing this advice from my own observation.
    Feel free to take the advice or completely ignore it, it's totally up to you, no hard feelings.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2010 11:57 AM GMT
    ShagonTheHate said And I really only have this love in my life right now, everything else is fucked up:/...

    You're fucking yourself up. Men come and go, until one stays. You're only 22. This may continue to happen many times to you. Or, the guy for you may be the next fella you meet. Life is like that, ya know.

    This guy could be history. You had some good times, you learned some things, and now he's moving on. You apply those lessons to the next guy. And the next guy, and the next guy, until you find a guy who wants you forever.

    It will happen, you know. What you need is patience, and perseverance, the 2 things most young men lack. Don't be depressed -- this is the way of things, how it goes.

    I often use the analogy of the fisherman, being one myself. You drop bait dozens of times before you get a nibble. And only a few nibbles result in a bite. And when you do get a bite, if you manage to haul it in, you often find it's not a keeper after all, and you have to throw it back in.

    The same is true of gay relationships (or straight ones, for that matter). The trick is to drop bait often, knowing that only 1 in 100 is likely to be a keeper, and to never get discouraged. Nobody is going to lay a fish on your doorstep, so if you want one, you have to go out and work for it. It ain't always easy, but that's life.
  • cromi

    Posts: 489

    Dec 08, 2010 12:02 PM GMT
    ShagonTheHate saidI started wanting more and more and the more I pushed him to talk to me or come, the less he would answer or come...

    the more I push the more he runs away...

    Sorry for the long post:/...

    I'm no love expert but i think you already have the answer to your love problem.

    And yeah, the post is kinda long, so long that i feel obligated to answer it;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    A. Stop pushing. B. You say you're scared to start ignoring him out of fear he wont react... well... that is exactly the point. Yeah it will suck, but if you stop contacting him, and never hear from him again, you'll have your answer. Because the way things are going right now, it seems like you're never going to get a straight-forward answer by talking to him. Good luck man...
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 08, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    EBan has some good words there.

    Try to think of him as a friend. Not an entanglement, a friend. You almost drowned, caught a lifesaver and now do not want to let go of the lifesaver, even though you are safe.

    You gotta stand on your own, guy. You can do it but it is very hard, especially at first.

    Keep busy. Hang out with the happiest people and situations you can find. Do something for someone else.

    It will work out and you may just end up with a friend, too.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 08, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    You can not build your world around someone else....when you do...it only leads to a crash and burn for yourself when the "someone else" moves on with his life and leaves you behind. icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 08, 2010 8:09 PM GMT
    Yeah man, jsut relax and chill out, if its meant to be it will, if its not, well something better will come along, something that makes you HAPPY instaed of this SAD lol,
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 08, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about this. But, I agree with what's been said above. This guy is not in this relationship like you are. He's made it clear in words and actions that he can't commit to you. It seems to be he's been pretty consistent. It is painful, but the healthiest thing for you to do is move on. You say you're in love with him. And you could very well be. But it also sounds like you are infatuated with him. You perceive the relationship differently than he has. That inequality does not make for a very rewarding relationship, let alone your mental health.

    You need to find someone who is available emotionally for you. And someone in closer proximity, too, for that matter.

    You need to get out there. Meet more people. Be more social. You seem to have a lot to offer. But loving someone doesn't always make up for things if they can't love you back. You need to be with someone who can give you what you give them.

    Again, I'm very sorry. Best of luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2010 8:54 PM GMT

    Don't get involved with another dude until you are happy on your own. Only then is there potential for a meaningful, healthy relationship with another man.
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Dec 20, 2010 8:26 AM GMT
    catfish5 saidYOU ARE VERY NEEDY!!!

    Don't get involved with another dude until you are happy on your own. Only then is there potential for a meaningful, healthy relationship with another man.

    That's the problem, I told him that on several occasions and that I don't wanna fall in love with him right now but he didn't wanna back away, he just kept coming and coming, so I thought wow, maybe he really does mean something, I let go and bam, this happens. I'm very open about my state of being to all the people I find are closer to me, so I thought he understood what he was getting himself into. He just said sorry for starting something and now backing away, it's my fault, well sorry isn't quite enough anymore, this shows how much he's been paying attention as a friend to what I've been saying for the past 10 months...

    And thanks for all the other comments!icon_smile.gif Sorry I couldn't post earlier.

    Now he's started telling me how needy and unstable I am and it's making me feel humiliated cause I thought that was kinda the point of love (being crazy about the other person and a little crazy when he/she doesn't return the feelingsicon_biggrin.gif), but that he wants to be there for me-.-, I kinda can't stop loving when he wants to do that... Plus he always says it, but never really delivers, in the end we only hear of each other a few min. a day. He's been telling me all over again that he's busy, but yesterday he admitted to being distanced, I told him so you did lie about being only busy, and he started going no no, you got it all wrong, not distanced, I'm trying to be in control for your sake. I really don't understand what he wants-.-, I told him a zillion times it's ok he doesn't want a long distance relationship and that I at least want us to go back to what we used to be, but he isn't doing that, either. I told him a few times to just be truthful and say it right into my face that he doesn't find me attractive because of my behaviour anymore, but he doesn't want to do that. I really can't find closure on this, he doesn't want us to go back to what we were, he doesn't want us to develop something deeper, but he doesn't want to frankly tell me to f*** off, either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2010 8:34 AM GMT
    ShagonTheHate said that I at least want us to go back to what we used to be, .

    Thats not how relationships work though... they grow and mature, moving forward, they never stay the same, and they're not supposed to, they are a process... just like people grow and mature, so do relationships between them.... just like between friends and family members...

    so its pointless to ask for going back .. what you should look forward to is to it growing and blossoming along with you... icon_smile.gif
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Dec 20, 2010 8:39 AM GMT
    But the worst of all is that he's refusing sex now, he's scared he'll get too attatched and go crazy because of the distance and I can't stop thinking about everything underneath his clothes XD (I've of course seen it all) and getting sudden erections on the streeticon_lol.gif, I can usually control this very well, but with him it's like, I can't just have sex with some other guy to make it go away, I want to have sex with him. Can anyone relate to this?

    Yesterday we were talking and I got a little dirty (told him I'd rape himXD when he's back in my town) and he started telling me he went to confess yesterday (Christmas and all) and he needs to be ''sin-free'' for a couple of days, I was like you've got to be joking me -.-... He told me then that he did it with his ex, too. If I don't get sex from him again and soon I don't know what I'm gonna fuckicon_lol.gif, it seems he can control it pretty well - I start dirty talk, he jerks off and he's fine, well I want more! I can't believe a person could be this resererved and in control that he can stand the urge to have sex with me-.-. I do understand he's afraid what'll happen with his feelings because of the distance, but c'mon!icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2010 8:43 AM GMT
    It sounds like this is broken, you can never turn time back and "be like it was", it's ok to love this guy, but he doesn't love you back or so it seems, re-read Art_deco's response, there is a lot of truth in it. First loves are rich with intense feelings and most of the time heartache.

    I'm afraid you need to move on.
  • ShagonTheHate

    Posts: 135

    Dec 20, 2010 9:00 AM GMT
    The point of all this is that he started something with me knowing how I feel and am and then when he noticed that it might affect his feelings and college plans he backed down and I was supposed to just be ok with that and go back to being only fun and relaxed. Since I wasn't and got emotional, I'm the immature freak here-.-, well sorry but I don't think of it this way. I don't know if I can even be friends with him anymore since he obviously didn't pay attention to my feelings when I most needed him to and now he just doesn't know what to do with me anymore.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 20, 2010 11:02 AM GMT
    When we are depressed and have lost confidence and are lonely we tend to " latch on" to someone that shows us attention. Speaking from experience we have to deal with these things first, before becoming involved with someone, then we are a much stronger person to go forward with the person and the relationship/friendship and all that it brings.

    Of course you do not see it the way of " Since I wasn't and got emotional, I'm the immature freak here-.-, well sorry but I don't think of it this way"....We never do.....because we fell in love and now we think that we have been done wrong and that the other person should not have taken advantage of our vulnerability. When all along it was our fault that we allowed ourselves to fall in love with this person. and I said "We"....because I've been there before also. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    If he doesn't tell you to fuck off, then I'll say it for him "FUCK OFF" There, happy?