Am I being and asshole??

  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Dec 10, 2010 7:24 AM GMT
    I live in a house with one of my good friends from school, we met last year and decided to live together in a house off campus. I'm kind of starting to regret it... Here's whats happening (and I'm not making any of this up!) :

    If he spills something, such as raw noodles while pouring them into the boiling water, he doesn't pick it up. Or spilled spaghetti sauce will stay on the counter and dries. Or cereal will make its way onto the floor and stays there until i step on it and have to pick it up. Now thats just the spilling aspect...theres more. Garbage- i assumed we would share responsibilities while living together and with that I thought that meant taking turns doing things we dont want to do but have to such as taking the garbage out. So the garbage gets full and i take it out, the next time the garbage gets full it starts to pile up and doesnt go anywhere so I ignore it this time and take it out, then I wait for the next time and it piles up still. The way i see it he is refusing to take the garbage out. So after about the 5th time of me taking the garbage out i decide to just let it sit and see how long it takes him to take it out himself. Well he doesnt, he just starts putting bigger things such as milk jugs or carboard boxes on the ground next to the garbage and shoving things where he can in the actual trash bin. I take it out and confront him about having to share in the duties. Dishes- I am not the kind of person that has to have all the dishes washed right away then dried then put away 30 seconds after using it but i do draw the line at some point and end up washing them, my roommate on the other hand will leave dishes with milk or sauce still in them sit in the sink, plates with food remaining on it still stay in the sink. Then all the dishes pile up and it becomes gross to look at so I decide to have a cleaning frenzy and make him wash all the dirty dishes with me just so it doesnt take up much time. Now when he cleans the dishes, i swear to god the kid has never touches soap and a sponge in his entire life. Ive grabbed countless numbers of plates or bowls from our cabinets and FELT grime and crusty shit on them having to re wash and dry them myself. After so long i got fed up with it and decided i was going to wash every single dish or silverware i used right away, and i mean right away, so that when the dishes pile up i can tell him with all honesty that every dish in the sink is his and i should not have to clean up after him. My question to you is - Am i being an asshole by telling him this?

    To add to all of this, the kid leaves on lights EVERYWHERE, he'll leave it on in the bathroom after he's done, or he will go to class and I'll wake up and see his light was left on for the past 3 hours. If this was a once in a while thing i really wouldnt care but it is literally and every day occurance which is going to run our electricity bill (we live in an older house so the electricity is not quite efficient). Finally, i was looking in my fridge to see what i was going to make for dinner and was moving things around to see what i had and i realized that he had 4 open jars of spaghetti sauce, all with sauce still in them, 2 opened jars of apple sauce with apple sauce still in them, 2 opened jugs of "sunny d" with juice still left in both of them. With the 2 opened jars of apple sauce he had 2 more unopened ones and 3 packs of individual apple sauce cups. WHY THE FUCK DOES HE NEED SO MUCH APPLE SAUCE?!?! That is just the fridge, in our freezer he has 8 bags of frozen vegetables which have been sitting in there for months. In the cupboards he has 2 bags of the exact same cereal opened up. I dont understand why he cant finish something before opening another!!!! We have so little room as it is and his shit just takes up more room. I need help, what do I do? He's a rather sensitive person so i cant just sit down and attack him with everything. Do I confront him about different things with a few days in between so he doesnt feel overwhelmed? Ive thought about splitting up the sink and saying one side is mine and one side is yours, put the dishes you use on your side and clean those, ill do the same for my side. Is that wrong or rude or mean? I still have to be here with him for 6 more months, i dont want it to be an awkward 6 months and have one of my closest friends hating me....
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Dec 10, 2010 7:54 AM GMT
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    Dec 10, 2010 8:22 AM GMT
    just got out of a sort of similar situation, i've had roomates my whole life, (military, fraternity, etc) u definitely gotta do something or ur gonna lose ur mind, u might even end up hating him. ur not being an asshole by being irritated, he's being a shitty roomate tho. what happens when you say something? do you say anything, or are you just quietly getting pissed? do you just pussyfoot around the whole subject, or are you direct? sounds like the guy is a pig, what will happen when you tell him that you "I did the dishes last time, it's your turn, can you do them today?" what will happen if you try that?
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    Dec 10, 2010 8:26 AM GMT
    I had roommates like that too. Eventually they wound up moving out because apparently I drove them crazy by keeping stuff clean. Go figure. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 10, 2010 9:17 AM GMT
    Close friends or not, you need to confront him about this.... I mean we can be lax in household cleanliness sometimes but this is beyond proper behavior and sharing of responsibility....Tell him to clean up his act or give three months of advance rent fees.

    Seriously next time if you get to have a another roommate, you have to be clear about general house rules and sharing of responsibility
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    Dec 10, 2010 9:40 AM GMT
    No you're not being an asshole, just a doormat if you don't confront him about it.
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    Dec 10, 2010 12:20 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidNo you're not being an asshole, just a doormat if you don't confront him about it.


    Second that. He knows that you will end up taking care of stuff. Just talk with him and tell him you can't live him until and unless he decides to change.
  • ueatzit

    Posts: 174

    Dec 10, 2010 12:33 PM GMT
    Move out when you can. You CANNOT make him a cleaner person.

    The same goes for potential partners.....if you can't put up with their habits then you best move on because people DO NOT change much and often. It is alright to say some people make better friends than roomies, problem is conveying that without coming across as the asshole when you're already living with them.
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    Dec 10, 2010 12:40 PM GMT
    Ask him if he needs your help to wipe his ass, because it's seems this guy can't function without his mommy taking care of evrything.
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    Dec 10, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    After living with probably 25 different roomates over my life, this situation is totally normal. All you have to do is tell himto clean up after his mess,clean his dishes,etc. because he is not living only by himself so he needs to respect your needs. If he says no,he's the worst roomate ever.
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    Dec 10, 2010 12:51 PM GMT
    You definitely need to do something. I don't think you're being an asshole by raising your concerns over his lack of cleanliness. You live there and pay rent too. You shouldn't have to clean up after him constantly.

    I had three roommates in an apartment my senior year of college. They were all somewhat slobby (at least by my standards). The whole kitchen/dish thing I can relate too. They would literally fill the sink and entire counter with dirty dishes until there was no room to even set anything down. Now, they would eventually do them, but it might take a week or more.

    Honestly, I rarely dirtied any dishes so 95 % of them were by the three of them, yet they wanted me to clean up on an equal basis. I was not into this at all. As a compromise, I volunteered to clean the bathroom in exchange for them handling all the dish duty. They agreed. I actually found this less disgusting than the dishes, so you can imagine. The thing is, I was already the only one cleaning the bathroom anyway.

    Anyway, I think you should politely as possible bring up your issues and see if he is willing to make more of an effort. Otherwise, it's obvious you'll need to find a new living situation once school is out or your lease is up.

    Good Luck!
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Dec 10, 2010 12:59 PM GMT
    Sounds like his momma didn't raise him right (as they'd say here in North Carolina). Probably he's never had to clean up after himself or be considerate of others--you may have to train him.
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    Dec 10, 2010 12:59 PM GMT
    I put the sign in the kitchen but they don't follow the rules. My other roommate eats my cooking food without asking me. I told him last month ago. He could have it then he didn't eat the food. The food is still there so I am gonna throw it in the garbage later one
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    Dec 10, 2010 1:12 PM GMT
    This story is a perfect demonstartion of 2 principles in action:

    1) in any living situation one person will have a far greater tolerance for squalor than the other, and the squalid one will turn that tolerance into a free ride; and

    2) never live with someone unless you're also sleeping with them. It makes their quirks a lot more bearable if not endearing.
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    Dec 10, 2010 1:20 PM GMT
    OMG!! I think you have my old roommate!! You are Not being a asshole!
    All the men here are right; he is the problem, not you. When I was in the exact situation even the small things begin to mound on top of the bigger annoyances..You can try talking to him and it might help, but either way you have to do something before you snap and start chasing him around the house with a bottle of bleach & a kitchen knife...
  • spades

    Posts: 227

    Dec 10, 2010 1:52 PM GMT
    I'm in the same situation, only my roommate is my older brother.. When I couldn't handle the untidiness anymore and couldn't shit him out anymore, I got a maid in once a week. Now I'm paying her and the electricity bill because he is still a student icon_mad.gif
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    Dec 10, 2010 1:55 PM GMT
    UGH. no your not being an asshole. tough situation. besides treating the dude like a child and yelling "take out the damn trash" when its gets full, all you can do is take the first exit out of there.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 10, 2010 2:03 PM GMT
    You aren't an asshole, but you did learn a valuable lesson didn't you?

    He isn't going to change. Many people are like him. It isn't a priority for him and it is how he lives his life. Take the lesson and learn from it. It can be very difficult to share a house with a friend. It can work, but you have 2 different ways of dealing with life domestically.

    If it really bothers you, I'd plan to make changes when time allows, if you don't want to make the changes, or can't, then suck it up and do the tasks
    without too much complaint. All you will create is tension and the end of the friendship if you press too hard now.
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    Dec 10, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    Ask him if he'd like for you to call his mom so she can keep cleaning up after him. At least after you've tried confronting him about all these things. So he's sensitive. Big deal. He needs to man up anyway, if he wants to survive this world.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Dec 10, 2010 3:10 PM GMT
    No you aren't being an asshole, but the garbage/dishes thing is what a lot of young college students do, and it's nothing new, it's just the reality of living with young people if they're new to living away from his parents, but yes confront him...The opening multiple packs of the the same thing would irritate me a lot though
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    Dec 10, 2010 4:33 PM GMT
    I guess the lesson is to try to check roomies more carefully beforehand. To reduce the chances of running into this situation attempt to visit the guy where's he's living now, before you guys go into a place together. And question any current and past roomies of his, if known to you. A guy who's a pig elsewhere is likely to remain a pig living with you, and his old place is gonna reflect it .

    BTW, my partner has a problem with shutting off lights, ceiling fans, TVs and other things he's not using. That's OK, I take care of it myself, and my setting the example has made him a lot better than he used to be.

    For some reason, though, he NEVER shuts off our bedroom ceiling fan before he leaves, so that's just become my reflexive job whenever we go out the front door. But if I lived alone I'd still have to do it myself, so it's not a big deal to me.

    And there's a good reason to turn things off. After I moved in with him and started practicing some energy conservation, the monthly electric bill actually DROPPED by an amazing 40%, despite a second adult living here, using more hot water, running a second computer, cooking more, etc. Naturally I've let him know about these savings, and even though I take care of that bill myself, he can see the cost benefits of being energy conscious, not just some politically-correct reason for doing it, so as I said, he does try harder now.
  • conservativej...

    Posts: 2465

    Dec 10, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    You have answered your own question.

    "To add to all of this, the kid leaves....."

    Notice what I placed in bold.

    You did not decide to room with him to be his mama. Tell the kid to grow the fuck up.
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    Dec 10, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    Just write out an itemised list of the things that are concerning you and give it to him and say you would like to discuss them, with a view to improving the living conditions, and ask him if there's anything you do that annoys him that you could address (this is important - we are only getting your side of things but I bet you do some things that bug him).

    P.s. I find it hilarious that Americans eat apple sauce as some kind of snack. In the UK, apple sauce is a condiment you eat with roast pork - I can't imagine eating a potful of a condiment! Isn't it a bit like eating baby food?
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    Dec 10, 2010 4:44 PM GMT
    It's okay to argue with your friends. I think it's healthier to let out the foul air before it really starts rotting your friendship.

    Just see it this way, you are doing him a big favour by teaching him some manners. Might help him in the future when he's got a wife/husband/roommate. right?

    Good luck!
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    Dec 10, 2010 4:58 PM GMT
    To answer your question, no your not an asshole just a human being. We all have living habits, and it is perfectly normal to feel this way especially if this is your first roommate living off campus.

    I would suggest having a civilized conversation with him. Remember living with someone is a two way street. You may be blowing some things out of proportion or exxagerating a bit too. When you discuss this with him, be prepared for him to have some things about you that he would like to change as well.

    One example I could give is when I had roommates, I didn't always do my fair share of the cleaning. At the same time, I was the one always going around fixing the lights when it broke, replacing the water heater, unclogging sinks/bathtubs, fixing the refridgerator, etc. He may be doing other things in the house that you don't necessarily notice.

    I'm not saying your wrong, however be open to the possibility that maybe his strength is elsewhere in the house.

    Also, it doesn't ruin a friendship to move out. One of my roommates decided to because she wanted the place to be her study sanctuary, while us other two wanted it to be relaxing/fun. It didn't kill the friendship at all.