playing the gay dating game

  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Dec 11, 2010 7:16 AM GMT
    Hey guys, so I've got a date saturday night with someone I met online (cheers for creepy dating sites!).

    I've only recently started coming out, and have no idea what dating looks like in the gay world. I'm pretty excited about this, but have some concerns.

    It seems like sex and the physical part of relationships happen really quickly among gay men, and in many instances it happens first. I'm wired the opposite of this, call me old fassion but I'm not even looking for a kiss on the first date. And if there is an attraction, I am definitely not going to jump into bed for a while either, I want to develop a stable friendship and mutual respect first. I have no problem respectfully setting these boundaries, but are these boundaries going to cause problems for me in the gay dating world?

    My second concern is what do I do if I like the guy but don't want to date him, but he wants to date me? I'm at a point now where I really wanting to start making more gay friends (or any gay friends), and so even if a romantic relationship didn't happen, I would love to keep that door open... I dunno, how do you deal with this awkward part of dating?

    Problem 3 - what the hell do I wear?
    I haven't been on a date in 4 years (since my last hetero relationship ended two years ago, I've avoided all dating until I could become comfortable with my sexuality for my own sanity and for the sanity of others). I'm a Gap blue jeans, and band Tee kind of guy, I don't have tailored or nice clothing. I'm pretty sure it'll end up being cheap dinner and a movie, so any suggestions?

    Tips for the inexperienced would be great icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 11, 2010 11:26 AM GMT
    wear your mankini to really impress him.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 11, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Bustthewave said[/cite]Hey guys, so I've got a date saturday night with someone I met online (cheers for creepy dating sites!).

    I've only recently started coming out, and have no idea what dating looks like in the gay world. I'm pretty excited about this, but have some concerns.

    It seems like sex and the physical part of relationships happen really quickly among gay men, and in many instances it happens first. I'm wired the opposite of this, call me old fassion but I'm not even looking for a kiss on the first date. And if there is an attraction, I am definitely not going to jump into bed for a while either, I want to develop a stable friendship and mutual respect first. I have no problem respectfully setting these boundaries, but are these boundaries going to cause problems for me in the gay dating world?
    it is good you have your standards buddy. i think they are great to have. however, the one thing you should be is honest. the first date should be all about getting to know someone. i do think you lighten up on the no kissing part. just my two cents. the no sex part is cool and usually most guys adopt this philosophy as well. anyhow, i do not know what you should wear because i do not know where you two are going but if it is a dive bar then jeans and tee will do fine. if you are going to a restaurant than you should wear a polo shirt, jeans and a nice shoes.
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Dec 11, 2010 3:45 PM GMT
    For questions 1 and 3 - just do whatever you're comfortable with! Take things as fast as you want to, and if he can't respect that, then he's not the guy for you! And as far as clothing goes, I've never thought it was really that important. Just be yourself!

    Now number 2 is a harder problem that eeeveryone faces. If you've done any dating in the straight world, I would say it probably works the same way. All you can do is tell him that you're not interested in dating, but you'd like to still be friends if possible. (Or you could lie and say you're not ready for dating yet, but that leads to trouble if you find someone you do want to date). That being said, it is notoriously difficult for a lot of gay men to be 'just friends' if they are interested in something more. It just might not be possible depending on the guy.

    Best of luck!
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    Dec 11, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    For question 1: Take things as slow as you want. As tuffguy said, you may want to lighten up on the kiss part, however I found that even a hug is suitable at the end of a first date.

    For question 2: No idea buddy, I have the same problem too. Be upfront and honest, and if the man is an adult he will be able to respect that. This is also one of those things you cant control, as it is up to him.

    For what to wear, pick something that you are going to be comfortable with. I know its a little cliche to say, but having good fashion is more about how you wear it than what you were.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    My advice: Just go with the flow. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't overanalyze things. There is a learning curve that comes with gay dating. You will get comfortable with it in time. Just be aware that gay men can be very FLAKY, DRAMATIC, and DIFFICULT TO READ (generalizations). But if you approach the date with the intention of having a fun night out and without too many expectations, everything will work out fine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    Bustthewave saidHey guys, so I've got a date saturday night with someone I met online (cheers for creepy dating sites!).

    I've only recently started coming out, and have no idea what dating looks like in the gay world. I'm pretty excited about this, but have some concerns.

    It seems like sex and the physical part of relationships happen really quickly among gay men, and in many instances it happens first. I'm wired the opposite of this, call me old fassion but I'm not even looking for a kiss on the first date. And if there is an attraction, I am definitely not going to jump into bed for a while either, I want to develop a stable friendship and mutual respect first. I have no problem respectfully setting these boundaries, but are these boundaries going to cause problems for me in the gay dating world?

    My second concern is what do I do if I like the guy but don't want to date him, but he wants to date me? I'm at a point now where I really wanting to start making more gay friends (or any gay friends), and so even if a romantic relationship didn't happen, I would love to keep that door open... I dunno, how do you deal with this awkward part of dating?

    Problem 3 - what the hell do I wear?
    I haven't been on a date in 4 years (since my last hetero relationship ended two years ago, I've avoided all dating until I could become comfortable with my sexuality for my own sanity and for the sanity of others). I'm a Gap blue jeans, and band Tee kind of guy, I don't have tailored or nice clothing. I'm pretty sure it'll end up being cheap dinner and a movie, so any suggestions?

    Tips for the inexperienced would be great icon_smile.gif


    awww how cute. This reminds me of those teenage sitcoms in the 90s. I think you should watch reruns of Full House. I am sure those Tanner girls went through these situations as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2010 9:57 PM GMT
    I don't think anyone was really straightforward with you on this, so lemme put it out there, even though I'm sure by now, you've come to your own conclusions. Just be you.


    1st) If you don't want to have sex on the first date, don't. Simple.

    2nd) He's more friend material and not boyfriend, let him know that you'd A) Like to take it slow or B) Want to be just friends and see you two going no further.

    3rd) Be yourself and dress as yourself. You're attempting to impress someone who you don't know, which can go either way. If you come as what you'd normally dress like and as you are, then you'll have a higher chance of him liking you for exactly who you are. And no, it's not just "idealistic".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2010 9:58 PM GMT
    Fuck dating. It only leads to heartbreak. Personally, I think I'll just stay single forever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2010 9:59 PM GMT
    Sorry, can't help ya there...but all I can do is wish you the best of luck!

    Tell me how you got the date pls...I can't seem to find anyone haha!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2010 10:02 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidMy advice: Just go with the flow. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't overanalyze things. approach the date with the intention of having a fun night out and without too many expectations, everything will work out fine.


    Just have funicon_twisted.gif
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Dec 13, 2010 2:02 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone.

    And too avadakedavra - I would get all my dating tips from full house but I missed that episode where Machelle went on her first lesbian date right before first grade.

    And to musefreak - nothing says confidence like a mankini!

    And based on everyone elses feedback yea, I'm looking too much into this. Straight dating was easier for me. And I'll just wear what I got.

    Thanks again icon_smile.gif



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    ShinyToyTrev puts it very well already so I will just add:

    1) Difference between gay and hétéro dating is that you're going to have to become comfortable with saying "no". There's no harm with kissing on the first date and I even take it as a good sign when it occurs.

    2) As mentioned elsewhere, it's difficult for two guys to be 'just friends' when at least one guy believes he can get something sexually from the other. Go with what you feel on this one - but if you know you only want to be friends, say so as soon as possible. The guy might get bitchy and sulky for a while, and may continue to try to have something with you for a little while but stay firm with your boundaries - if he respects them, he'll be a friend to keep; otherwise, let him walk away.

    3) I completely agree about wearing something you would normally wear, but for some added tips - have a look in your wardrobe and choose shirts and jeans that fit your body nicely and compliment your features. The shirt might be 'average' or 'everyday', but does it accentuate your shoulders better than others you have? Or maybe one makes you look slightly taller? Are the jeans just a bit too casual? Or do they make you look sharp and a bit dapper? If you're not sure, you could get a female friend to help you out. Ideally, you want to look in the mirror and think that you're a sexy guy just from your own clothes that you're wearing, your own features and hair icon_smile.gif

    Best of luck mate, hope it goes well for you!
  • Bustthewave

    Posts: 98

    Dec 13, 2010 2:31 AM GMT
    kangourou saidShinyToyTrev puts it very well already so I will just add:

    1) Difference between gay and hétéro dating is that you're going to have to become comfortable with saying "no". There's no harm with kissing on the first date and I even take it as a good sign when it occurs.

    2) As mentioned elsewhere, it's difficult for two guys to be 'just friends' when at least one guy believes he can get something sexually from the other. Go with what you feel on this one - but if you know you only want to be friends, say so as soon as possible. The guy might get bitchy and sulky for a while, and may continue to try to have something with you for a little while but stay firm with your boundaries - if he respects them, he'll be a friend to keep; otherwise, let him walk away.

    3) I completely agree about wearing something you would normally wear, but for some added tips - have a look in your wardrobe and choose shirts and jeans that fit your body nicely and compliment your features. The shirt might be 'average' or 'everyday', but does it accentuate your shoulders better than others you have? Or maybe one makes you look slightly taller? Are the jeans just a bit too casual? Or do they make you look sharp and a bit dapper? If you're not sure, you could get a female friend to help you out. Ideally, you want to look in the mirror and think that you're a sexy guy just from your own clothes that you're wearing, your own features and hair icon_smile.gif

    Best of luck mate, hope it goes well for you!


    Ha thanks icon_smile.gif. Yea, I need to go clothes shopping anyway... I'm definitely bringing my roomate along (it's nice sometimes to live with a female... sometimes). Believe me I'm taking all of the advice provided on this thread and taking it to heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    BustthewaveHa thanks icon_smile.gif. Yea, I need to go clothes shopping anyway... I'm definitely bringing my roomate along (it's nice sometimes to live with a female... sometimes). Believe me I'm taking all of the advice provided on this thread and taking it to heart.


    No worries icon_smile.gif Hope it all goes well for you, and would be good to hear how it turns out.
  • COyogabum

    Posts: 42

    Dec 13, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno

    Be yourself. Don't settle, but don't be too picky.