Help. I'm stuck.

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    Dec 15, 2010 12:35 AM GMT
    I know these happen a lot, but I'm in a bit of a jumble, and would just like some ~constructive~ feedback from the rj community. Here it goes. Sorry it's so long.

    I met a guy online, we began talking, and we kinda hit it off. He's 35, I'm 18, and that freaked the hell out of me, but I didn't see any harm in just chatting with the guy. He lives like an hour and a half away.
    It's amazing how similar we are, music selection and passion, love of food, personal interests, views on relationships. He really seemed cool. I wasn't getting any red flags, other than the age. So we were chatting about this and that, everything. He even understood how I must be freaking out with him being roughly twice my age, and I certainly was. And yet we still chatted. I grew to like him a lot. He told me that he'd never actually been on a legitimate date with another guy. I was a little wary about the thought, but I decided to give it a try. We set the date, made reservations and the like. He was pretty invested in this, as he would be traveling about and hour and a half out just for 1 date with me. Apparently he's very well off financially, but I'm certainly not looking for a sugar daddy type of thing.
    Before the date started we set some ground rules, no fucking, and no pressure if there's no chemistry, just be honest.
    So, I show up for the date, we're both nervous as hell, I can tell.
    We have dinner, chat about music, life, goals, some gay stuff.
    So dinner ends well, and he offers for me to back to his hotel and cuddle for a movie. I'm a cuddler. I was a kinda cautious about this, but he started to gain a lot of my trust during dinner. I told him that I could probably come over for just a bit. He offers to drive. We walk out, and there's his porsche. Holy crap. I had to ride in a porsche. VERY risky move and I feel like a dumb ass for such trust. So we chat all the while going back to the hotel, about 5 or 10 minutes. We get there, head upstairs, and try putting in one of the assorted movies that he thought I'd like. So the laptop connector crap doesn't work. We end up watching the food network. Laying there in the bed, he finally gets the courage to grab my hand. And I, his. So we cuddled for a bit. I can't believe I'm even typing this. Things start to progress from there, and eventually things kinda happen.
    Afterwards, clean up, dress, and drive back to the restaurant for me to pick up my car. He tells me what a great time he had, and I return the favor. Off I go.

    So we text back and forth chatting about how the date went, and possibly a second one. I didn't know how to handle it, seeing as we broke one of the rules. It began on his behalf, but I guess I didn't stop it. I begin to fester over the mistakes that I made, and feel a little ashamed. I start to lose contact with him, and don't exactly know what to do.

    He often sent me messages, wondering wtf was happening, why I couldn't talk to him.
    Eventually I just told him that my parents went through my phone and found out, and I was super grounded. I left it at that, not knowing exactly what to say. I didn't know how to handle it, but I couldn't take the constant questions when I still didn't know exactly how to feel.
    He came in town again, even with me out of contact, and planned a chinese dinner date. I still wasn't really talking, and his constant messages weren't helping.

    "Ok the plan is... I am coming into town Friday, but I won't get back to the hotel until after dinner. I would be happy to meet up then if it is possible. Saturday is totally available. I am sort of hoping you can get out for the night so we can grab some dinner and hang out.

    I will leave an envelope at the front desk with room information for you. It will be the Sheraton with the big S on it on ______ blvd. I really want to see you so we can talk and try to figure out what we should do now with you folks concerned. I just want to see you soon. "
    "from the 16th floor of this hotel and wishing you were here. Miss you. When you get a chance to message, tell me when you will get ungrounded. I will wait for you if you want me to. I want another date. "

    Apparently he really missed me.
    Then, this past sunday, I'm at work. He knows the grocery chain I work at and what town. I was bagging away, and I look up, and guess who I see over by the produce. Him. I made split second eye contact, then freaked the fuck out. He started coming up by the front end where the cashiers and stuff were. I made every attempt to avoid eye contact, then as soon as the coast was clear, made a dash for the bathroom. I sat in that stall for half an hour, scared shitless. Eventually I come out. Luckily he had gone, but I was trippin out.
    He texts me
    "I know that was intrusive to stop by your work. I really just wanted to see your face and leave the note on your car. I hope you got it. Please try to get into contact I will help if you need a phone or something... anything. I don't want to be clingy, so don't think I am pushing that. If you are uninterested, just tell me and I'll leave you alone. I am assuming that it's just your parents and you are still interested. I hope that is the case. "

    I was freaking out the whole rest of my shift. I read it, and its basically the same stuff he's been saying. He really just wants to talk to me.

    "sorry I have sent so many messages. I hope you got the letter that I left on your car. I hope that you are still interested. If not, I understand. Just tell me. I think I am going to grab an ipod touch tomorrow so I can drop it off with you next time I am in town so we can stay in touch if you want. I hope to hear from you. "

    By now, I'm freaking the hell out. I had really liked this guy, and then all this happens. I told him that it was kinda messed up and I was freaking the hell out, and needed some time to assess exactly what to do with the situation.

    "Parker,

    I am writing this from my iPad, so I am sorry if there are typos. I am also sorry for writing a long email. I wanted to say some things that I was thinking and, you might have noticed, I have a tendency to write a lot. It is sort of a curse.

    First, I can't imagine the horror of having your parents find your phone. I would be incredibly embarrassed if that happened to me and I am sorry if I had any fault in causing that. I have not even figured out how to tell my family that I am gay. I considered telling my sister shortly after I met you, but I have put that on hold.

    Frankly, I know most of my friends would not approve of a relationship with someone much younger. Part of that is hypocrisy: if it was a heterosexual relationship, they'd feel differently. Part of it is based (probably) on some of the same social concerns that your parents have about me. I understand that and I have not figured out how to answer that. The friends that I have told about you - I was really happy after our date, I had to tell someone - were happy for me, but quietly concerned. I suppose I have the luxury of figuring that out when it comes to it, but you didn't have the luxury of trying to determine how to deal with your parents.

    I can understand their concerns. I am older. No doubt they are concerned I am taking advantage of you or, perhaps, our goals in life are so dissimilar - because of age - that it will end badly and quickly. Externally, I can see how they might think that. However, I think we share more things in common than not from what I can tell. The only real difference is in age and experience.

    I don't want to come between you and your family because, ultimately, family matters. However, I wish they understood how I felt or some basic things about me. I do not drink, I have never done drugs, I am financially stable, I have no debt, I have no criminal record and I am well educated. There are worse things. I am not perfect, but if they are concerned about your safety, you are safe with me. I am not totally boring, but I tend to be the guy who ma
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    Dec 15, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    kes sure everyone gets home safe.

    Financially... My family owns an investment corporation that invests in farm land, commercial property, stocks and bonds. I own 33% of the corporation and take in 33% of the income. That will eventually become 50%. My shares in this corporation are worth millions of dollars. On top of that, I have my own investments. These are often more experimental, but I do make money. The very short version of this is that I have enough money so I never have to work again if I don't want to work. Similarly, I can use that money fund things: travel experiences and your education expenses (as needed) if we were dating.

    I am not crassly throwing money at you hoping that you date me. I am not that sort of person and I know you are not that sort of person as well. Normally I don't even talk about it because I don't like people to know about it. However, I wanted to be clear about my situation so I don't come off as someone who is totally mysterious or full of shit.

    I want to do things with you. I want to take you places and let you experience things I have seen. I love the thought of that, as silly as it sounds. I can't promise that every moment will be filled with excitement and joy, but I would love to try. I would love to just go to Colorado with you this summer and stay up in the mountains. I want to watch you cook for me.

    I know none of that will really matter to your parents and I understand that. I am guessing that there is nothing I could do to win their approval and - I imagine - there is nothing anyone you want to date could do so either. That is understandable. You are 18 and you are always going to be their kid even when you are older and living on your own.

    Similarly, I am taking a risk because many of my friends just won't understand. Honestly, if I am in the right situation, I don't care. It would hurt to lose friends, but that is life and it is a manageable risk I am willing to take. Spending that evening with you was the happiest I have been in a long time.

    Barring any massive changes in my life, I am planning on buying a house between now and summer. It will likely be out south in Olathe near K-10 or in Leawood. I will be working on my dissertation there and I would love to have someone (you) with whom I could spend my time. I would love to be in a stable relationship and have someone I can look forward to seeing when I come home.

    Ideally, I would like to be in a mutually reinforcing, equal partnership. I want to develop a relationship over time. I realize it seems like I am talking about very long term plans, but I am not. I just want to be clear about where I am and what I want. I don't want random hookups and I don't want to be someone's sugar daddy (ugh). I don't want you for sex. If what you have told me is true, I think we want very similar things.

    Basically, the decision is with you. Unless your parents have given you an ultimatum (him or us), then it can not be that bad in the long run and surely they will relent over time. They can't keep you grounded forever. Once summer comes, the situation is much different. You will have graduated and I will have a house. I would never argue that you shut them out of your life, but surely there is a way we could date while you maintain your relationship with them.

    I guess, boiling it all down, I would just like a chance to talk to you in a no pressure environment and see what we think. I want to see if there is a possibility. There has to be a way to make things work if we both want it. At the same time, I want to give you room to think about things and not be upset. Just know that I will be waiting here until you tell me not to wait."

    I really don't know how to handle this. Heart conflicts the mind in every way. I'm awfully torn.


    I just want your opinions on the situation. Thanks for reading this far.
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    Dec 15, 2010 12:47 AM GMT
    No need to add more.

    The man is classy and you're behaving like a child. The more evasive you are, the more he's naturally trying to find out what happened, as in what went wrong, because clearly he's smitten with you, and clearly you gave him the wrong impression (that you're interested).

    For god's sake be kind and extinguish this. Tell him you aren't mature enough, evidenced by your freaking out at the many texts your strange silences coaxed, yes coaxed out of him, and him eventually showing up.

    Tell the poor sod you're not interested and that you made a mistake. Tell him you lied to him about the parents and your phone and it will be easier for him to brush you off. icon_wink.gif



    -Doug

    PS I did what you're doing once at 19 years old and I will always remember how much I hurt that guy. Very hopefully it didn't mess him up for the next time he met someone.
  • Moral_Poison

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    Dec 15, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    I'm not exactally sure what answer your're expecting from us...this is kinda YOUR deal here dude. If you like him suck it up and make it work, if you don't then put a stop to it so you don't lead him on. I'm only a year older than you, and if I were in your shoes I wouldn't pass up a guy who is that into me and I him. Of course my parents are nothing like yours. I have never been grounded in my life and especially not since I turned 18, even though I still live in their house. As for the age thing, I don't get why it freaks you out so much, I happen to think older and younger guys make great couples.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    My parents would do waaay worse if they found out. The joys of living at home.
    Needless to say, I feel like crap about this situation. I didn't expect it to progress so fast.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    I don't get it.. when I was 17 I met an older guy (37) and had a fantastic year or two with him. Obviously it didn't work out but I don't regret it for a moment. Go out with the guy for chrissakes and have a good time instead of writing lengthy tomes on here. You're not a child anymore or are you who needs mom and dads ok to go out and play. If you think you're grown up.. well be grown up.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    Both, a far as I know. I was his first actual date.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    Noone is that nice. There's got to be something in the closet. Is he ugly? or married? separated? divorced? have kids?

    He's at an age where he's ready to settle down and retire if he wants to.

    You haven't even started your life yet. Don't go and be a housewife.

    It's nice that he wants to take you places but why does he want to date someone who is so much younger than him?

    Is he wanting enjoy his youth again through you?

    Good luck and keep us posted
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    frenchatheart saidNoone is that nice. There's got to be something in the closet. Is he ugly? or married? separated? divorced? have kids?

    He's at an age where he's ready to settle down and retire if he wants to.

    You haven't even started your life yet. Don't go and be a housewife.

    It's nice that he wants to take you places but why does he want to date someone who is so much younger than him?

    Is he wanting enjoy his youth again through you?

    Good luck and keep us posted


    Not ugly, slightly awkward, not married that I know of, no kids. It'd been 10 years since his last experience with a guy, and his first date ever.

    I guess he just likes younger guys, and I tend to be geared towards guys above my age.

    I doubt it has anything tondo with reliving his youth. I'm still figuring it out. I want to think it's really sweet.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    Tell him you told a lie and need a spanking from Daddy. icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    navi_leinad said
    comeback_kid saidBoth, a far as I know. I was his first actual date.

    and was it your first time doing the whole uh sex thing? icon_eek.gif


    No, not my first time having sex, nor mine. We didn't fuck.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:53 AM GMT
    Maybe he's lying to you. The way it usually works if he's overcompensating, there is gotta to be something hidden.

    He said that there are worse things, he's not perfect. Hint Hint

    The reason why he's super nice to you is so that you'll be obligated to be nice to him when he fianlly drop his secrets. And, I beleive that there is got to be more than one.
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    Dec 15, 2010 1:57 AM GMT
    frenchatheart saidMaybe he's lying to you. The way it usually works if he's overcompensating, there is gotta to be something hidden.

    He said that there are worse things, he's not perfect. Hint Hint

    The reason why he's super nice to you is so that you'll be obligated to be nice to him when he fianlly drop his secrets. And, I beleive that there is got to be more than one.


    No one is perfect. I think he's saying that he could be better for me than a lot of other guys. I know he has some things that he hasn't told me. Everyone has their secrets. I think he deserves a chance.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:06 AM GMT
    I agree with meninlove... I think you're freaking out for no reason... if you cant handle dating him, you should not beat around the bush and be frank about it and tell him straight on that you cannot handle this..., by not telling him whats up you're not being honest and only making things worse for yourself
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    comeback_kid said I think he deserves a chance.


    ... so give him one.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:18 AM GMT
    ... and not only worse for yourself, for him also.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:18 AM GMT
    There are lots of danger signals here. Sending you lots of messages after you haven't returned his are a big clue. Long pleading manifestos are another. Showing up uninvited at your workplace is inexcusable. But the most alarming danger sign is saying he's rich and ready to reward you for your favors.
    This guy wants to take advantage of your naivete. Tell him politely but firmly that you're not interested.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    TexDef07 saidThere are lots of danger signals here. Sending you lots of messages after you haven't returned his are a big clue. Long pleading manifestos are another. Showing up uninvited at your workplace is inexcusable. But the most alarming danger sign is saying he's rich and ready to reward you for your favors.
    This guy wants to take advantage of your naivete. Tell him politely but firmly that you're not interested.


    I hate to admit that I think this is true. The work situation was what kinda set me over the edge.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:31 AM GMT
    your kinda ruining something good before it even starts...but then again your 18..your very immature and you dealt with the situation in a poor fashion..This guy is going out of his way to at least rectify the situation and start something with you..and with that said let me get a little dramatic and type..."BITCH YOU GOT A "MR BIG" AND YOU ACTING STUPID". Shit you better remain in contact with him. Talk it out. Let him know how you feel. Then again if you had sex with him..then you were later ignoring his calls..your doing what normal gay men do...hit it and quite it..but int his case your not the one doing the quitting...to the older gent...tsk tsk.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:42 AM GMT
    navi_leinad said
    tereseus1 saidyour kinda ruining something good before it even starts...but then again your 18..your very immature and you dealt with the situation in a poor fashion..This guy is going out of his way to at least rectify the situation and start something with you..and with that said let me get a little dramatic and type..."BITCH YOU GOT A "MR BIG" AND YOU ACTING STUPID". Shit you better remain in contact with him. Talk it out. Let him know how you feel. Then again if you had sex with him..then you were later ignoring his calls..your doing what normal gay men do...hit it and quite it..but int his case your not the one doing the quitting...to the older gent...tsk tsk.

    he didn't sleep with him (fuck) he said so earlier icon_razz.gif


    yes he did i read all that mess he wrote...he gave him some ont he first date..we wont hold it against you..weve all done that..lol..but damn i wish a baller would land on my lap..like that..all i run into are scientist and PHD professors lol.
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:47 AM GMT
    tereseus1 said
    navi_leinad said
    tereseus1 saidyour kinda ruining something good before it even starts...but then again your 18..your very immature and you dealt with the situation in a poor fashion..This guy is going out of his way to at least rectify the situation and start something with you..and with that said let me get a little dramatic and type..."BITCH YOU GOT A "MR BIG" AND YOU ACTING STUPID". Shit you better remain in contact with him. Talk it out. Let him know how you feel. Then again if you had sex with him..then you were later ignoring his calls..your doing what normal gay men do...hit it and quite it..but int his case your not the one doing the quitting...to the older gent...tsk tsk.

    he didn't sleep with him (fuck) he said so earlier icon_razz.gif


    yes he did i read all that mess he wrote...he gave him some ont he first date..we wont hold it against you..weve all done that..lol..but damn i wish a baller would land on my lap..like that..all i run into are scientist and PHD professors lol.


    We didn't fuck. Things happened, but there was none of that. I was blatant with him that I had no intentions of fooling around on the first date. He said he didn't either.
  • yvrtwink

    Posts: 35

    Dec 15, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    He sounds like a bit of a stalker. It's very out of line to go to someones workplace especially when you haven't returned his messages. A note on your car would have been suffice - at most!. A 35 year old should understand at least that.

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    Dec 15, 2010 2:54 AM GMT
    i say give this gent a call..or atleast talk to him on bbm...messenger etc..
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    Dec 15, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    navi_leinad said
    Yvrtwink saidHe sounds like a bit of a stalker. It's very out of line to go to someones workplace especially when you haven't returned his messages. I note on your car would have been suffice - at most!. A 35 year old should understand at least that.


    He did call him awkward and its usually the awkward guys that don't know how to handle situations icon_razz.gif


    I've been getting the stalker vibe lately. Tons of long messages. Showing up at work. Notes on my car. Either he's in love with me, which is a little much after date, or a stalker, which isn't cool at all. He could just have been really awkward because it was such a new thing. He'd never actually been on a date before. Nerves make people act different. But it's hard to tell.
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    Dec 15, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    navi_leinad said
    Yvrtwink saidHe sounds like a bit of a stalker. It's very out of line to go to someones workplace especially when you haven't returned his messages. I note on your car would have been suffice - at most!. A 35 year old should understand at least that.


    He did call him awkward and its usually the awkward guys that don't know how to handle situations icon_razz.gif

    This goes way beyond "awkward." If he's willing to show up unannounced at your job after one date, what happens after a few more? Walking into your home to ask your parents for your hand because it's written in the moon and stars? If you see this guy again, sooner or later you're going to need a restraining order.
    This behavior is NOT going to lead to a healthy relationship -- especially not a healthy first relationship.