Says he's not jealous, but has a right to be concerned...


  • Dec 15, 2010 3:23 AM GMT
    Ok, I'll try to condense this as much as possible. I am 21 dating a 51 year old. That's a whole other issue but not the reason for this post. He is the most honest, sincere, and reasonable person I've ever met, and that's part of the reason this situation kind of bothers me. Also, I don't mean to make this sound melodramatic because it's not that big of deal. But I want to hear what other guys have to say about it. I met my guy 10 months ago when I was in an "open relationship" with another guy. We started dating exclusively about 4 months ago.

    I met a guy online about 2 years ago...the first time we talked we had cyber sex...but have never done anything like that since. I planned on meeting him about a year ago (we were probably going to mess around) and the plans fell through. We talked about getting together for awhile after that but he's over 5 hours away and I was having issues with other things. He's a super nice guy and really just wants to meet me in person because we both consider each other friends. I want to meet him too and we are thinking about it in the near future.

    My current BF was uneasy about me meeting this guy because of how we met. He is afraid that I am looking for more and want to explore my options. He's said if I want to that is completely fine (obv it should be given my age) but if I have those "desires" our relationship is probably not going to last and he wants to maintain our friendship and stop dating. I have said that I just want to meet this guy because we have talked for so long, I consider him a friend, and why shouldn't I be able to go to dinner with him and get to know him as a friend?

    Because my BF kept asking why I would want to "put myself in that situation" (he still thought I am looking to explore a relationship with this guy) so then we talked about all three of us meeting up together. He was fine with that.

    However, when I talked to online guy he said that it's not fair for us to talk for so long and then not be able to meet each other alone (at least for dinner) because he knows I wouldn't necessarily act the same if I was around my BF. I completely agree with him. It's not that I have anything to hide or I'm going to do anything appropriate, but I want to connect with this guy as FRIENDS one-on-one when we meet for the first time, you know? Seriously, does this make sense to anyone???

    BF doesn't understand why I have this strong desire or NEED to meet with him by myself. I have been completely open with him about everything and he with me as well. I went from doing stuff with him and another guy, to being in an exclusive relationship with him, one that I was reluctant to enter because of fantasies and whatnot but in the end I did because I love him so much and wanted to, regardless of what I may be "giving up" at this age. I still go to dinner with the guy I was in the open relationships with (as FRIENDS) and BF is completely fine with it. He trusts me. But can't get past this other guy. I tried to put myself in his shoes and I can't see how I would be bothered by it, but thats speculation.

    So.... what do you think?



  • Dec 15, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    Guy I want to meet and the guy I was in an open relationship with are both about 47. I'm strictly attracted to older guys, and while I'm not looking for a guy to be that old these are a few of the only gay people I've met and formed real connections with.
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    Dec 15, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    You have issues yourself, my boy. Start digging deeper into your own psyche of why the current one is not fulfililng your needs. I think you are just using honesty and open communication as an excuse to fool around/ shop around. If you are IN a relationship, you would think twice about whether what you are doing might potentially upset your boyfriend. Otherwise, open relationship is another word for FWB.

  • Dec 15, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    Thanks for your response. I do want to make it clear that I am no longer in an open relationship and I now understand the negative affects of such a relationship. I can honestly say that I am 100% not looking to "shop around". I have talked on the phone with this guy for 2 years and developed a friendship and now I can't ever hang out with him? My BF and I have both said we should be able to have gay friends and hang out with them. I feel like it turns into a big deal because I've never met this guy...if we had hooked up a year ago and after decided to be just friends would it be okay? He has told me he has friends that he has hooked up with, they now have boyfriends, and he hangs out with the both of them..its not a big deal. Relationships change. All I'm asking for is a quick dinner and then have him meet my BF and hang out.

    I realize now I shouldn't be so frustrated with the issue because my BF's worries are completely valid, but I still think I have a point....
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 15, 2010 8:50 PM GMT
    My friend you got a serious problem thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence....watch out cause the neighbors dog has pissed on it so much that grass is dead....you run the risk of killing your present relationship...But all in all I feel you looking for someone to agree with ya to relieve your guilt...It ain't gonna be me....BUD
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Dec 15, 2010 9:07 PM GMT
    I've somewhat know what your bf is going through having been in a similar situation. My advice for you would ideally go on a double date or something, but whenever you meet him have your boyfriend around so he gets more comfortable with the other guy and the situation. Otherwise even if you're not "sneaking around," your bf will still get that impression until he gets comfortable with the other guy.
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    Dec 15, 2010 9:15 PM GMT
    That's the reason older/younger relationships don't last.
    someone is too immature to understand.
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    Dec 15, 2010 9:43 PM GMT
    iLover saidThat's the reason older/younger relationships don't last.
    someone is too immature to understand.


    icon_idea.gificon_idea.gificon_idea.gif
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    Dec 15, 2010 9:54 PM GMT
    Hmmmm... something smells fishy with the other guy. Being 47 and hell bent on meeting you alone sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You may not expect anything but I can bet that the other guy has an agenda... and that's to get you in bed. Just my thoughts from a guy who was in your same shoes once.
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    Dec 15, 2010 10:12 PM GMT
    Yeah...this doesn't ring true. There are plenty of people in your own area that you can meet and be friends with. They're local, and they don't have a history with you.

    "but I want to connect with this guy as FRIENDS one-on-one when we meet for the first time, you know? Seriously, does this make sense to anyone???"

    no, honestly, it doesn't make sense. Frankly, there's an internal deception going on. If you want to be friends with someone why wouldn't you bring your BF into that equation right from the start? You all would be friends...that's your current mode. You're an "us" not a "you". The other man, as a 47 yo man really should realize this and if his intentions are true and he wants to befriend you wouldn't have a problem with befriending both of you at the same time. There's something else going on here.

    You might also look at your history...you met your current BF while in another relationship. So...you already have a history of meeting and engaging in relationships with people when you're in one. Obviously your BF has a lot to be worried about. I would be.

    You start off the conversation with "it's really not that big of a deal" but it is your relationship...which maybe should be a bigger deal to you? Just thoughts...

    Obviously I don't know you, not judging just pointing out that you're actions don't match with your words...

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    Dec 15, 2010 10:20 PM GMT
    Young man your playing with your mans emotions. He may not seem jealous but inside it probably burns him...
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    Dec 15, 2010 10:26 PM GMT
    I think if your current bf is fine with the three of you meeting, that is how you should do it. Your online friend knows you are in a relationship. If he is truly willing to be your friend, and is comfortable with just friends, he should also be ok if your bf comes along. If he's not, then either he has other intentions, or is not being considerate of you, realizing your first loyalty is to your bf.

    Your current bf is not being unreasonable. If you insist on meeting this online friend alone, your bf would legitimately question your real intentions.
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    Dec 15, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    @ the OP:
    It seems that you're bored with this older man, and looking to raid the cookie jar. I'm not saying a 51y/o can't cheat, but he's been there done everything on earth. He knows what's out there... guys whoring each other out.
    Some guys are wishing and hoping to find the kind of faithful man that you have. So if you're not careful someone will see his value and remove him out of your life, and appreciate him more than you.
    And you'll be left out in the rain.

    I've meet several boyfriends this way.

    Be honest.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 15, 2010 10:45 PM GMT
    I think there's a 51-year-old who needs to start shopping around for his next BF. In fact, I'd be surprised if he hasn't already begun. It may be Mr. collgeguy [sic] who finds himself getting the pink slip first, because he hasn't learned that a dick in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

    Hopefully next time the older BF will stay away from kids, but maybe that's his thing. In which case he can expect more of the same in the future, and I don't have that much sympathy for him, either. Even if he's about to be jilted by the OP. You reap what you sow.

    From what the OP writes, though, I think the BF is already writing this relationship off, and planning for a future without a certain 21-year-old. Be interesting to see how this goes down, and who leaves who first.

  • Dec 15, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    Damn, I give! Thank you to those who wrote reasonable responses. I commented that it wasn't that big of deal because its not a make or break situation, if we go together we go together. Apparently I'm way off base but I would agree with the guy that said my actions aren't exactly matching my words to some extent.

    Call me immature, but I've been completely honest with him about anything I've done or felt, or want to do. I talked to him and posted this topic because all of my relationships are important to me...but obviously I wasn't straight on my priorities. Live and learn I guess.

    I'm 21 years old so sorry about contemplating the color of the grass on the other side. I was peeking over, not like I started climbing the goddamn fence.

    Ok, maybe I put a foot up.

    I think part of the reason I think like this is because the 3 relationships I have been in have all been so genuine, honest, upfront and transparent, I haven't even experienced what most people are like. I really want to fully appreciate what I have without having to experience the negative things, so thanks for the advice guys.

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    Dec 15, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    I do not have much confidence in your relationship.

    If you honestly believe the "other guy" does not have ulterior motives, you are very naive. Why would you even consider putting yourself in that situation if you respect your boyfriend? You have not "put yourself in his shoes".

    "However, when I talked to online guy he said that it's not fair for us to talk for so long and then not be able to meet each other alone (at least for dinner) because he knows I wouldn't necessarily act the same if I was around my BF. I completely agree with him. It's not that I have anything to hide or I'm going to do anything appropriate, but I want to connect with this guy as FRIENDS one-on-one when we meet for the first time, you know?" That is a lie, you do to have something to hide or you wouldn't act any differently if your boyfriend was or wasn't there.

    Feel sorry for you boyfriend.

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    Dec 16, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    I think some of the responses were unfairly harsh to the OP. He was sharing some thoughts and wanted to get ideas. Is it possible he was subconsciously wanting to shop around, not completely satisfied with his bf? Possible, but not necessarily so. His account indicated nothing other than openness and honesty with his bf.

    OP - I hope you did get some ideas to think over, and don't hesitate asking for other opinions in the future. Just need to be ready to filter out some of the responses.
  • oyoung

    Posts: 97

    Dec 16, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    iLover saidThat's the reason older/younger relationships don't last.
    someone is too immature to understand.


    I somehow agree~

    But the situation is a little weird. You are just 21. Guess there are many guys out there you haven't checked. So you want to explore. I guess it is reasonable. And becaure you had cyber sex before, your current bf felt unsecure, it is also acceptable.
    So just let it go, you are young, you should try it, later you will know what is the most important thing in a relationship~
    If you don't do it this time, you will do with others in the near future, because that is what you want to do~!
    Before you want to settle down, I guess it is not good to start a serious relationship.
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    Dec 16, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    Sorry but your age has nothing to do with your current situation. It's strictly you as person and as a person you seem to have some issues and none of them are related to age.

    If you were dating someone your age there wouldn't be a difference with the exception of age of course. Your current bf has every right to be concerned for the simple fact that what you are doing appears hurtful and has the potential to lead to disaster.

    Just think about it and you'll see what most of here mean. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel with being in this situation? If you are honest it still doesn't hide the fact that what you are doing is wrong.
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    Dec 16, 2010 2:24 AM GMT
    Forget about the age difference, except in the fact he likely has a lot more experience about how relationship evolve.

    You where in a open relationship, meet a new guy, had sex with him, and when you got hooked up, dropped your former open relationship partner for a new one.

    So, your new partner know that he is dating a guy who feel cool about being emotionally involved (open relationship is a lot more than friend with benefit), testing the waters around, and switching when something new is better.

    As he know you really find a connexion with that former cyber sex buddy, he is afraid, legitimately, that you are about to repeat the process. He is not afraid you will cheat on him, he is afraid you want to meet this friend because you could fell stronger bond with him, and decide to stop your present love affair for a new one.

    I think he just want to avoid to feel 'used' if you drop him. But I also think he knew very well what he was entering into, as he was the one to take you out of your former relationship.

    I agree that you sound honest, open and genuine, but your limited experience also makes you a bit insensitive.

    I think you are right to explore, follow you heart, make experiences and mistakes, you just need to consider also the consequences of your choices on other people feeling.

    so reverse it : how would you feel, and act, If you where beginning a relationship with someone, and saw him open to experience and grow feeling for others peoples ?

    I believe your bf knew you would move on at some point, and think you are already needing it, and would prefer I nice part, and switch for simple friendship, rather than having to face an change in your love and be dropped.

    It's more manageable to stop, together, a love affair, than to be told : sorry, I found someone else.


  • Dec 16, 2010 4:00 AM GMT
    Thank you Socalfitness!!! Somebody gets me (and he didn't say I was right).

    I was wrong to want the alone time, but that's all I was asking. I tried to make it clear I'm not exploring options or shopping around. I know the guy well enough to know I'm not doing that...if that makes sense.

    Other than that I agree with everything you said, Minox.

    I don't think some people read what I wrote after the original post.
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    Dec 16, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidSorry but your age has nothing to do with your current situation. It's strictly you as person and as a person you seem to have some issues and none of them are related to age.



    That's half true. Age also equals experience.