Struggling with identity/making friends, would like some advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    Basically, I've always been a loner. I've never been the guy with 50 friends, usually one or two friends at a time. And it kind of sucks. I'm 20, I don't go out anywhere and hang out with other kids my age. I've never been to a club/bar (although that's not really me anyway). I have 2 friends (one is a female, and the other is a guy, who came out as gay to me earlier this year).

    I've always been different from everyone else...I'm not just talking about sexuality. I'm actually still confused about that. I don't like to classify myself as anything, because there are times when I think I am gay, but when I really start to think about it, I think I might be straight or bi. I am attracted to guys, but the few times I've gotten close to doing something sexual with them (when I was younger), I got really uncomfortable after a while and felt that it wasn't for me.

    And when I see a really attractive girl, I do fantasize about them and can see myself in romantic/sexual relationships with them...so I'm still unsure of myself. I've never been in a relationship, or even kissed anyone.

    But I'm not like most 20-year-old guys. I'm not really into sports, besides tennis. Most guys my age are constantly talking about football and baseball, and I'm not into either of those things. I don't mind playing them for fun with friends/family, but I don't follow those sports or have a favorite team so that I can have a discussion about them with other dudes.

    I feel like me not liking sports is the main barrier that is preventing me from making other male friends. I love the friends I have now, but I am still a guy, and would like to have some male friends.

    I think I'm a very goofy/funny person. The people who know me well think I'm hilarious. Although I'm not into sports, I don't consider myself to be feminine at all, and it's not like I'm into Glee and Broadway musicals (not that there's anything wrong with that).

    Do you think it's possible for someone like me to be friends with jocks who are into football, baseball, hockey, etc even if I'm not? Tennis is the only sport I am good at, and watch lol.

    Maybe I need to start looking for straight male friends who maybe don't like sports (if those exist?).

    I try to love myself for who I am, but it's really hard being so different. There's not many people out there like me, and it sucks having such a secluded life. I see other people hanging out with groups of friends, and I never had that, and don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I get really depressed, and wonder if this life is even worth living (I'd never hurt myself or anything though, so don't worry).

    Any advice would be appreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2010 12:05 AM GMT
    The main thing is to be confident with yourself. I can tell you from first hand experience that you can make friends with jocks. I mean i don't really like too many sports, but that didn't really affect friendships at all. I mean guys don't talk about sports 100% of the time.

    Making friends isn't the same for everybody, and I found that one of the easiest things was to branch out from your current friends. Ask them to take you places and/or introduce you to some of their friends. You definitely won't make any by sitting in one place. But also don't try to force friendships. I mean, just be yourself, the best friends are the one's you can be yourself around.

    In regards to your sexuality...the only thing I can say is that only you know what you really like. I used to be very confused about who I exactly like. I mean at first I used to thinking messing around with guys was really awkward and i would feel so guilty afterwards. I also think and fantasize about a life where I would get married and have kids. I mean that is a growing process that depends on you.

    Life is definitely hard sometimes and it depends on the area you are in as well. Just dont sit around and be a hermit lol. Go out and have fun too. Not saying you have to party...just do you basically.
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    Dec 16, 2010 12:20 AM GMT
    All I can say is don't worry about sexual orientation too much. Just go with the flow and eventually you will find out what suits you the best. People tend to stress the importance of sexual orientation out of proportions.


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    Dec 16, 2010 12:23 AM GMT
    boulderic saidAll I can say is don't worry about sexual orientation too much. Just go with the flow and eventually you will find out what suits you the best. People tend to stress the importance of sexual orientation out of proportions.




    definitely agree with that.
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    Dec 16, 2010 1:13 AM GMT
    you're 20. you're at a time in your life where a lot of questions lie before you with little or no answers, but as you go on answers will come. I agree with the other posters, let your sexuality evolve at its own pace. You do not need a label, just learn to be comfortable with who you finally discover you are. You are not unlike a lot of people in this world, Happiness is not based on how many friends you have or who your favorite football team happens to be. It is based on inner peace. When you attain that, the rest of your life follows......give it time. love yourself and accept yourself, whomever that may be.............................Keithicon_cool.gif
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Dec 16, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    Hey man my advice is to continue to explore your feelings with both men and women. It may be that you do prefer both but usually it seems people prefer one a little more. If exploring with a guy don't feel it is necessary to go all the way right out of the gate. Try just kissing and cuddling getting to know the guy in a non sexual way and see if that hits ya harder or not.

    As far as fitting in with other guys, I would not force the issue in trying to take part in activities you have no interest in. Seek out those with similar interest. You can be friends with jocks because there are those that probably have similar issues beyond sports.

    You're still growing up bud and you seem like a good person so I am sure it all will come soon!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    Thanks for the advice guys.
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    Dec 16, 2010 2:41 PM GMT
    You obviously have alot of inner termoil and struggles regarding your sexuality and figuring out who you are.

    You are very young, but things will come together for you over time. Don't try too hard to make friends or establish relationships. Just submerge yourself in the things you love to do and you will eventually become surrounded with people who have common interests. Not everyone is cut out to have large groups of friends. Some people prefer having one or two very close friends instead- really just your own preference.

    Things will work out for you. Don't get too worked up about your current situation. As you mature and gain confidence in yourself, life will get better for you.
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    Dec 16, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    Ok I just came back from an outing with friends, movie then dinner. Out of all the people (7) I knew only one very well, which my friend of 13 years, but anyways why I'm saying this is i've come back from this outing although having a good time, still not entirely satisfied something is missing? then I see this post and I can totally relate I dont really have a vast amount of really 'like minded' friends, so i can see where you are coming from dude, and at 21 i'm beginning to think what is wrong with me.....nothing, and neither there is with you dude i just think everyone goes throught their lessons, some just at differant times of their life, but i think you just need to be patient and like others have said go with the flow and the right people will come to you when you least expect. By the way you sound like an honest cool dude, hit me up anytime if you want to chat? good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 16, 2010 3:32 PM GMT
    I was you at 20. It took quite a few years to become comfortable with myself, and until I did, was never able to make friends. That had to do more with me opening up to other people, thinking I had nothing to offer.

    The trick is to meet as many people as you can, sometimes the conversation flows, sometimes it doesn't. Listen well, as most people love to talk endlessly about themselves.lol

    Try something new, especially if you're afraid of doing it. I still get very nervous meeting new people but have learned to let myself become more comfortable in my surroundings, then jump in with both feet.

    Hope I haven't rambled and it somewhat makes sense.icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 16, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    cowboycasanova saidBasically, I've always been a loner. I've never been the guy with 50 friends, usually one or two friends at a time. And it kind of sucks. I'm 20, I don't go out anywhere and hang out with other kids my age. I've never been to a club/bar (although that's not really me anyway). I have 2 friends (one is a female, and the other is a guy, who came out as gay to me earlier this year).

    I've always been different from everyone else...I'm not just talking about sexuality. I'm actually still confused about that. I don't like to classify myself as anything, because there are times when I think I am gay, but when I really start to think about it, I think I might be straight or bi. I am attracted to guys, but the few times I've gotten close to doing something sexual with them (when I was younger), I got really uncomfortable after a while and felt that it wasn't for me.

    And when I see a really attractive girl, I do fantasize about them and can see myself in romantic/sexual relationships with them...so I'm still unsure of myself. I've never been in a relationship, or even kissed anyone.

    But I'm not like most 20-year-old guys. I'm not really into sports, besides tennis. Most guys my age are constantly talking about football and baseball, and I'm not into either of those things. I don't mind playing them for fun with friends/family, but I don't follow those sports or have a favorite team so that I can have a discussion about them with other dudes.

    I feel like me not liking sports is the main barrier that is preventing me from making other male friends. I love the friends I have now, but I am still a guy, and would like to have some male friends.

    I think I'm a very goofy/funny person. The people who know me well think I'm hilarious. Although I'm not into sports, I don't consider myself to be feminine at all, and it's not like I'm into Glee and Broadway musicals (not that there's anything wrong with that).

    Do you think it's possible for someone like me to be friends with jocks who are into football, baseball, hockey, etc even if I'm not? Tennis is the only sport I am good at, and watch lol.

    Maybe I need to start looking for straight male friends who maybe don't like sports (if those exist?).

    I try to love myself for who I am, but it's really hard being so different. There's not many people out there like me, and it sucks having such a secluded life. I see other people hanging out with groups of friends, and I never had that, and don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I get really depressed, and wonder if this life is even worth living (I'd never hurt myself or anything though, so don't worry).

    Any advice would be appreciated.


    Man i understand you we are the same icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 16, 2010 3:47 PM GMT
    I agree with some of the others here. I would look for groups or events that you can join or volunteer with just to meet new people. Think of things that you'd probably not do but would like to try and then present yourself as someone new that has never experienced the event. Most people will spend extra time with someone new doing something and get great joy out of teaching what they know best whether it's hiking, swimming, flying model airplanes or jumping out of one (full size that is).

    The point is that you can meet a lot of wonderful interesting and caring people but you have to get out and find them first. Volunteering can be a great way to meet others.

    As for being gay or not, who cares. Meet others and if you meet a girl and you're interested, go on a date. Be up front with her that you're not sure where you stand but see how it goes. You're a nice looking guy, seem motivated to be in shape and you're outgoing enough to post your message here.

    Move forward and conquer! icon_smile.gif Good luck.
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    Dec 16, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    rioriz saidHey man my advice is to continue to explore your feelings with both men and women. It may be that you do prefer both but usually it seems people prefer one a little more. If exploring with a guy don't feel it is necessary to go all the way right out of the gate. Try just kissing and cuddling getting to know the guy in a non sexual way and see if that hits ya harder or not.

    As far as fitting in with other guys, I would not force the issue in trying to take part in activities you have no interest in. Seek out those with similar interest. You can be friends with jocks because there are those that probably have similar issues beyond sports.

    You're still growing up bud and you seem like a good person so I am sure it all will come soon!


    This
    and

    I do have handful of close friends as well but it doesn't prevent me from being sociable .Plus I'm not really into sports either, but that doesn't stop me from making friend with guys who are interested in sport because they do have other interests. Because I'm a creative fellow it helps to bring other topics that may interest someone.

    I use to be an awkward youth but I've long since come out my shell and simple be confident yet genuine sorta guy.
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    Dec 16, 2010 5:41 PM GMT
    I sometimes feel like I would also have a hard time making friends with guys who are "jocks" because I don't look like them and thus wouldn't even respond to a friendly hello :/

    So, I feel your sentiment too
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Dec 16, 2010 5:49 PM GMT
    I think you sound like a really great guy! If you lived in the area I'd want to hang out with you icon_smile.gif

    Now that you have figured out all the things you don't like or are not into why not try and figure out what you DO like and are into. This will dramatically increase the odds that you'll have success finding and keeping true friends. It will also help you to achieve success in every other area of your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2010 6:10 PM GMT
    Just curious: were you home schooled?

    No offense; really, just curious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidJust curious: were you home schooled?

    No offense; really, just curious.


    No, I was not.
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    Dec 29, 2010 10:28 PM GMT
    Hey man I feel for you.

    Our situations are almost completely identical! When I was reading your post, I kept thinking how this is just like me.

    It's comforting to know that someone else around the world is going through the same stuff. Makes you feel less lonely.
    I think perseverance is the key. I've yet to overcome this myself but whenever I do, and if you're stuck I'll let you know what I did.

    I'm relatively new to this site, and have managed to get talk to (and by that I mean just messages so far) some really great people.
    If you need a random vent, you can send me a message. I'm probably not that great with advice, but I'm a good listener.

    Hope your 2011 is 10 times better than your 2010.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2010 10:49 PM GMT
    I don't understand this "need" to have a plethora of so called "friends" .
    There is nothing wrong with you other than perhaps some confusion on the sexuality part.
    I blame this site and sites like Facebook for creating a totally false sense of what it is to be socially normal in that regard. The reality is that these people claiming to have all these friends are not really friends at all. They are correctly termed acquaintances, no more no less. You are lucky in your life if you have 2-3 true friends, even 2 isn't bad and I think you have that. Others come and go like the sands through an hour glass, those are the days of our lives. (I made that up LOL )
    So what if you're not in to sports other than tennis there are lots of people who aren't. There's nothing wrong with being a "loner" either so long as you're not a recluse and you don't appear to be.
    The other thing.. don't wait to be asked to go do something.. you can do the asking and make things happen whenever you want.