Getting Unfriended by Best Friend & His BF

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2010 6:48 AM GMT
    [Big sigh]
    My best friend started dating a guy about a year ago, it's his first real boyfriend and he's taken it pretty slow and with a good mix of having fun and common sense. Hurray!

    I have hated the guy he is dating from the start, he's nice and pleasant on most interactions, but I find him to be selfish in their relationship and very tactile in his manipulations of my friend. I am aware that I might dislike him to a degree because I no longer get my best friend to myself - but the BF acts like he likes me around my friend, then treats me second rate when he steps away. He makes efforts to alienate me whenever he can but somehow seems to make it out like it was me that initiated it.

    Because my friend is in new waters and enjoying it, I have kept it to myself - until recently. I have started to disappear whenever they are around together and don't join them in any activities.

    My friend now thinks I am dissing his boyfriend, which I am. I thought he might recognize why and back away a bit. But it isn't really getting me anywhere. Now he is cutting me off and choosing to spend even more time with the BF and pretty much Unfriending me, slowly but surely.

    What to do. He is literally the best friend I have ever had and I don't know what I would do without him in my life. icon_question.gif
    [Bigger sigh]
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    Dec 16, 2010 7:04 AM GMT
    It would seem to me that it goes both ways, and that you're slowly "unfriending" him through avoidance. Are you able to do anything at all without the new bf tagging along? Are they joined at the hip?

    Unfortunately, even the best of friends naturally drift apart due to changing circumstances. Also, you don't have to like everybody that your friend likes. Based on your description, the bf seems tolerable enough in your interactions. Sometimes diplomacy may be in order if you want to save this friendship.

    Lastly, is there a possibility that the new bf sees you as competition or a threat? Just food for thought.
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    Dec 16, 2010 7:22 AM GMT
    great answer above
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    Dec 16, 2010 7:34 AM GMT
    ...sounds like there's more to this.
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    Dec 16, 2010 8:45 AM GMT
    We do stuff together, but it seems like we used to do more FUN stuff. Now I get to do all the domestic stuff with him, cleaning, groceries, blah blah... while they go off camping, snowboarding, trips overseas - all the stuff we used to do! *Me at home cleaning the rain gutters now while they are off for a long weekend.

    I hear you, I could put up / shut up more I guess. I know I'm right not that off here though, but the BF controls the dick so I'll never have the upper hand. And maybe he does feel threatened, but I've tried to befriend him and he just turns his nose up at me.
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    Dec 16, 2010 8:47 AM GMT
    iLover said...sounds like there's more to this.


    Trust me, no physical attraction between me and my friend. If that's what you mean?
  • DKnight

    Posts: 152

    Dec 16, 2010 10:27 AM GMT
    Well, if I were you, I would start to make new friend. I had this experience before. I knew how uncomfortable the feeling is and tried to make things well between us, hoping that everything could go back as past. But one day, I suddenly gave up cause I thought why on earth I have to do those things which could seemingly fix our relatioship. Gosh, this is not my life. I could find a best friend like him in the past, so I can find another one in th future or now. I know it was hard to cut off this relationship but since what you've done couldn't get his attention, what's the meaning of fixing this friendship?
    Just think about it. You want to live in your life or his?

    ugh... my English is not good, so if you don't get it, just ask. HA
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Dec 16, 2010 1:19 PM GMT
    Vancouverite2004 saidIt would seem to me that it goes both ways, and that you're slowly "unfriending" him through avoidance. Are you able to do anything at all without the new bf tagging along? Are they joined at the hip?

    Unfortunately, even the best of friends naturally drift apart due to changing circumstances. Also, you don't have to like everybody that your friend likes. Based on your description, the bf seems tolerable enough in your interactions. Sometimes diplomacy may be in order if you want to save this friendship.

    Lastly, is there a possibility that the new bf sees you as competition or a threat? Just food for thought.


    This is very sound advice. You need to have a candid discussion about YOUR relationship with your friend, not about your friend's relationship with his boyfriend. Tell him that you feel alienated and that you want to spend more one-on-one time with him because you miss him in your life. You can't expect him to leave the boyfriend out entirely, especially since they've been together for a year.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 16, 2010 1:28 PM GMT
    I suggest you take the mature, adult position... that is to invite your friend out to lunch and have a long talk with him. If he doesn't want lunch, make arrangements to talk to him in private.

    Tell him how much your friendship means and take the high road with regards to his partner. Admit it's hard for you to take a back seat to his BF (and it is... you've said as much). Avoid cutting remarks or "I'm doing this because your bf......". Avoid any negative comments on the bf at all, at this stage it isn't going to do you any good. Be supportive. If he asks you your honest opinion about the relationship, be tactful. The most important thing is a good ongoing friendship... and you aren't going to see him as much, you might as well accept it.
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    Dec 16, 2010 1:32 PM GMT
    " Now I get to do all the domestic stuff with him, cleaning, groceries, blah blah... while they go off camping, snowboarding, trips overseas - all the stuff we used to do! *Me at home cleaning the rain gutters now while they are off for a long weekend."

    ...so you're roommates with your best friend?


    -Doug
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    Dec 16, 2010 1:53 PM GMT
    leave him to make his mistakes..thats all you can do.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Dec 16, 2010 1:54 PM GMT
    Sounds like you made a dumb move and are now paying for it
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    Dec 16, 2010 1:55 PM GMT
    meninlove said " Now I get to do all the domestic stuff with him, cleaning, groceries, blah blah... while they go off camping, snowboarding, trips overseas - all the stuff we used to do! *Me at home cleaning the rain gutters now while they are off for a long weekend."

    ...so you're roommates with your best friend?


    -Doug


    That was my thought as well. And if you're not roommates with him, why do you help him do cleaning and groceries when he won't even go snowboarding with you? That's a sin, right there. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 16, 2010 1:56 PM GMT
    nickd1975 saidWe do stuff together, but it seems like we used to do more FUN stuff. Now I get to do all the domestic stuff with him, cleaning, groceries, blah blah... while they go off camping, snowboarding, trips overseas - all the stuff we used to do! *Me at home cleaning the rain gutters now while they are off for a long weekend.

    I hear you, I could put up / shut up more I guess. I know I'm right not that off here though, but the BF controls the dick so I'll never have the upper hand. And maybe he does feel threatened, but I've tried to befriend him and he just turns his nose up at me.


    well I know that n the beginning of the relationship that can be expected... but after a while that will be the opposite, and HE will be doing hte domestic stuff and YOU and your friend will be doing fun things outside of the house lol
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 16, 2010 4:05 PM GMT
    nickd1975 saidNow I get to do all the domestic stuff with him, cleaning, groceries, blah blah... .



    I always expect my friend to do all my domestic chores such as housekeeping, laundry....etc..... OH wait...that's my boyfriend..not my friend icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    Try to find some alone time with him and be up front with him about how you feel. Be civil with regards to his new bf but tell him that you miss him and would like to enjoy him more if possible. Honesty is always the way to go. He won't know until you tell him. Take the high road always.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 16, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    On another note...speaking from experience I know how easy it is to transfer feelings of affection and even love to a roommate or a best friend. I have been living with my current ( straight) roommate for almost 7 years now. His girlfriends joke that we have been roommates for so long that we seem like a married couple now icon_eek.gif
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Dec 16, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    Don't engage the BF. Don't respond to his treatment of you when your best friend is out of the room. Don't avoid him - that only makes you look small and the problem.

    I assume your best friend is having sex with his BF - so you are in a position of weakness and need to act accordingly. IF you want to keep your best friend you have to suck it up and not take the bait.

    Eventually the best friend will see that the BF is the only person playing games. You have to be the better man or your best friend may be bitter toward you for your role in any eventual seperation he endures with the BF.

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    Dec 16, 2010 4:52 PM GMT
    I've lost a number of friends that think my relationship is their business. icon_mad.gif
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    Dec 16, 2010 5:09 PM GMT
    I would have told him in the beginning like "yo this dude is a prick" and explain why and seen my friends reaction. Now he's too deep into the relationship for you to step between them and your friend being OK with it.

    Bros B4 Hoes.
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    Dec 16, 2010 5:12 PM GMT
    There is a missing term in this equation; boy friend 2 . You need a boyfriend to balance this situation out. Don't expect the third wheel thing to ever be stabile.
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    Dec 16, 2010 5:24 PM GMT
    nickd1975 said[Big sigh]
    My best friend started dating a guy about a year ago, it's his first real boyfriend and he's taken it pretty slow and with a good mix of having fun and common sense. Hurray!

    I have hated the guy he is dating from the start, he's nice and pleasant on most interactions, but I find him to be selfish in their relationship and very tactile in his manipulations of my friend. I am aware that I might dislike him to a degree because I no longer get my best friend to myself - but the BF acts like he likes me around my friend, then treats me second rate when he steps away. He makes efforts to alienate me whenever he can but somehow seems to make it out like it was me that initiated it.

    Because my friend is in new waters and enjoying it, I have kept it to myself - until recently. I have started to disappear whenever they are around together and don't join them in any activities.

    My friend now thinks I am dissing his boyfriend, which I am. I thought he might recognize why and back away a bit. But it isn't really getting me anywhere. Now he is cutting me off and choosing to spend even more time with the BF and pretty much Unfriending me, slowly but surely.

    What to do. He is literally the best friend I have ever had and I don't know what I would do without him in my life. icon_question.gif
    [Bigger sigh]


    Shit happens. You asked for it. You got dumped. You dug your own hole, and now you get to lie in it. Life sucks. Move on. You should have kept your mouth shut, huh? See what happens? Quit crying, and go do something else for a while. If he was your friend, your paths may well cross again, but, for now, not a thing you can do about it. Accept what you got yourself into.

    Get it through your head that the only person you can change / manage is you. When you do, you'll be the better off for it. Stay out of your friend's relationships.

    You're a sucker if you're his MAID. Put on a tutu and bend over.

    Don't get engaged in a stupid game with a couple of gay queens. Get your own shit going. Get YOUR OWN LIFE and stop obsessing about these other two guys.
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    Dec 16, 2010 6:40 PM GMT
    These are all good pieces of advice in their way: they each prescribe something to think about and how to deal.

    To me, it sounds like you've been intelligent enough to be cautious, and self-aware enough to have doubts about your own feelings on this BF of his.

    To be sure, don't reminisce, it does no good now, but if your friend brings it up, you need an opportunity, a window, to express in detail how you feel alienated by the BF when you are with them.

    Then you can get into, expressing your bias first of course, but remaining calm, how you feel treated by this BF of his. Don't bring your friend into this conversational part, it really is only about you and your friend's BF, by bringing your friend into it you sentamentalize something that might only serve to alienate your friend from you; "The way things were" so to speak...

    You're not looking to create a wedge, make this clear. You only want to understand the BF and his plans. This will make your friend sincerely look for himself at his BF's machinations, which seem to be subtle and effective. You must do the same. Make it about you and the BF, not about you and your friend.
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    Dec 16, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    Simple, get a new best friend. Or wait for them to break up and I bet he'll come running back to you. I've had this happen many times when my straight best friends would get a girlfriend. We'd go from hanging out all the time to barely speaking while they were pussy whipped. But as soon as something went wrong and they broke up my friend would start blowing me up like nothing ever happened. It's annoying for sure to be put in the backseat by your best friend, but it happens. It's the nature of romantic relationships. Either wait it out, man up and explain to your friend how you feel, or move on and get a new best bud (or maybe even a boyfriend of your own).
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    Dec 16, 2010 8:23 PM GMT
    nickd1975 saidWhat to do. He is literally the best friend I have ever had and I don't know what I would do without him in my life. icon_question.gif
    [Bigger sigh]

    There's an ebb & flow to life. People come into our lives and go out. You may not be the only person your best friend is neglecting, now that he has a new love of his life, taking all his attention.

    Perhaps he'll remember you in due time, maybe not. And his lover may be a lasting partner, or a passing fancy. Who can say?

    In the meantime, you must be YOU. You must learn to be independent, self-sufficient, all on your own when need be.

    A man of your own is a wonderful thing. I've had a few, and I highly recommend them.

    But you also have to be your own man. Able to stand on your own 2 feet, come what may.

    And ya know what? Most guys like a man who's a rock, a tower of strength, not DEpendent but INdependent. A man who can handle himself no matter what.

    Because sometimes you have to look after each other. It can't be one guy who always takes care of the other. And if you can't look after yourself, then you can't look after him, too, when that becomes necessary. Trust me, I've been there.

    You come across as rather dependent. Are you? If so, then you need to correct that. Become your own man. Then you'll be the man that other men want. And never suffer from want, when you have no man. Capite?