how many of you guys find yourself doing all the chasing all the time?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2010 3:33 PM GMT
    something that bugs me is the fact that I am usually the one that has to do the chasing all the time.
    If I sit back and wait for the dude I am pursuing to contact me or whatever... It never happens... We'l just stop talking. Only to be contacted a month or so later asking why I STOPPED talking to them.

    Iam the type that I'll pursue you for a while and then see if you hit me back... If you don't I assume your not interested...
    At first I thought this was the case in most of my situations... But like I said.. I'll get contacted like a month later asking what happened to me...

    So I am just seeing if anyone else goes through this... And I don't mean one or two times... This happens to me EVERY guy I pursue... And this isn't a pitty-party post either... Like I said... Iam just wondering how many other dudes deal with it..
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    Dec 16, 2010 8:08 PM GMT
    You're talking to BOYS not MEN.

    Their insecure and feel that if a guy does all the "manual labor"
    it makes that feel all warm and pink inside.
    So next time, voice that concern (indirectly) early on.
    It's a game of cat and mouse, some guys like being treated like females.
    They want to be taken out, picked up, dinner and drinks paid for.
    or a happy meal at Mcdonalds (whatever lifestyle you're into)
    And they want to be pursued like women, in the movies.
    So, let them know that you're not into that bullshit.
    And a man should pull his own weight.
    I don't care how "masculine" or "straight acting" guys claim to be.
    They always end up being phaggots.

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    Dec 16, 2010 9:31 PM GMT
    well besides that!

    lol

    but honestly their older..
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    Dec 16, 2010 9:50 PM GMT
    Then, their just not that into you.
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    Dec 16, 2010 10:13 PM GMT
    Well, tbh I'd rather have your confidence in approaching other guys. It's better than waiting to be approached without having results LOL. Been there...
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    Dec 16, 2010 10:32 PM GMT
    Gbob saidWell, tbh I'd rather have your confidence in approaching other guys. It's better than waiting to be approached without having results LOL. Been there...


    @Gbob
    Excuse me sir, are you dating anyone? and if you are is it serious? icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 17, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    dang y'all hitting hard. i've definitely done the chasing before. and i mean its ok, but i hate being the pursuer. i know exactly what you mean though, because that happens a lot. i think it has a lot to do with the guys' personality. like dude above me said, some guys like to be chased. it makes them feel wanted. i mean hell those times i was chased i know i felt all warm inside haha
  • HndsmKansan

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    Dec 17, 2010 9:54 PM GMT
    I'm more the chasee than the chaser.....
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    Dec 17, 2010 10:05 PM GMT
    I find myself sometimes being the chaser and sometimes being the one pursued. I think that it's normal for a potential relationship to start with each person having such a role.

    But eventually, the two people have to be able to meet each other half way.

    If the guy you are chasing does not return the favour, then you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway, because he will be someone who's just going to sit there waiting for you to do everything for him.

    Relationships are two way streets and the two people in it have to be able to maintain this balance somehow.

    Patience and perseverance is key.
  • jeepguySD

    Posts: 651

    Dec 17, 2010 10:10 PM GMT
    I never get chased. Not here on RJ, not anywhere.

    I don't do much chasing myself. I will sometimes express interest, and am usually ignored when I do. At that point I usually stop because I don't want to be a pest.

    But even with mere conversation, if I don't keep it going the other party never does. So perhaps this is analogous to the OP's situation.
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    Dec 17, 2010 10:10 PM GMT
    Apologies in advance if this seems naïve or oversimplified, but to the OP, do you choose and show your interest, or do you approach those that show interest in you?

    This can largely determine who is the chased and the chaser. And if you start out a chaser, expect to stay a chaser until you win him icon_wink.gif This explains why the chased contact you four weeks later asking in code 'why the HELL have you stopped chasing me???!!!'

    So you can't just switch. If you want to be the one who is chased, you have to be that from the get go!
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    Dec 17, 2010 10:16 PM GMT
    HighOctane saidsomething that bugs me is the fact that I am usually the one that has to do the chasing all the time.
    If I sit back and wait for the dude I am pursuing to contact me or whatever... It never happens... We'l just stop talking. Only to be contacted a month or so later asking why I STOPPED talking to them.

    Iam the type that I'll pursue you for a while and then see if you hit me back... If you don't I assume your not interested...
    At first I thought this was the case in most of my situations... But like I said.. I'll get contacted like a month later asking what happened to me...

    So I am just seeing if anyone else goes through this... And I don't mean one or two times... This happens to me EVERY guy I pursue... And this isn't a pitty-party post either... Like I said... Iam just wondering how many other dudes deal with it..


    All of the time.

    I don't mind being the initiator. It's kinda nice because you get to choose (as opposed to being chosen). But if they're not willing to work as hard in telling me they're interested, then it's not really worth MY energy. And when they do call a month later, I tell them that when they stopped showing me they were interested, I took it as a signal that they weren't interested anymore. If they say they are, and I still am, I just go through the same process again. If they can demonstrate ongoing direct or indirect communication that they're interested, I'll go along with it. If not, they I stop putting my energy into the relationship. So far, no one's followed up/through.

    The way I see it, it feels like they're just trying to keep me on their hook (whether consciously or unconsciously). That's not how a friendship develops, and that's definitely not how a relationship (which really, should have SOME component of friendship in it) develops. The guy I have a relationship with should behave with integrity. Flaking out, in my books, is not consistent with integrity.

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    Dec 17, 2010 10:59 PM GMT

    Thanks... bryanc_74... thats how I see it and thats why IAM STILL SINGLE! lol

    For the rest of you on this post...
    let me clarify something.. I am not talking about the initial game spitting... or the "hey how are you" or "you look good" or WHATEVER...

    I am talking about the point where you have each other phone number and your working on meeting up! if they were not interested from the get go I wouldn't have gotten that far..

    I know when dudes aren't interested (trust me... I've been reject ENOUGH times to know that those one or two word responses mean... "thanks but no thanks"). If I see a dude isn't interested I don't pursue anymore..

    BUT when they give me their phone number.. claim they wanna meet up.. I am pretty sure its safe to say they MIGHT be interested!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    When I was younger I was the hunted by both girls and by one guy I knew. Within the last few years and as of most recently I have become the hunter... I am not getting as much success at the moment.

    Lions in the sherengheti have a very low success rate when hunting... Once they get thier cath they are extremely satisfied... Be patient and scope out the right one for you... When you do go ahead and "pounce" on him
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    Dec 18, 2010 12:28 AM GMT
    meh...
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    Dec 18, 2010 1:10 AM GMT
    bryanc_74 saidI don't mind being the initiator. It's kinda nice because you get to choose (as opposed to being chosen). But if they're not willing to work as hard in telling me they're interested, then it's not really worth MY energy. And when they do call a month later, I tell them that when they stopped showing me they were interested, I took it as a signal that they weren't interested anymore. If they say they are, and I still am, I just go through the same process again. If they can demonstrate ongoing direct or indirect communication that they're interested, I'll go along with it. If not, they I stop putting my energy into the relationship. So far, no one's followed up/through.

    The way I see it, it feels like they're just trying to keep me on their hook (whether consciously or unconsciously). That's not how a friendship develops, and that's definitely not how a relationship (which really, should have SOME component of friendship in it) develops. The guy I have a relationship with should behave with integrity. Flaking out, in my books, is not consistent with integrity.



    I don't necessarily think that the initiator gets to ultimately choose as it's the person you approach who has the choice to brush you off or continue talking with you. However, I agree that the chased must actively (even though we might think of it as the passive role) be dropping hints directly or indirectly of their interest in you otherwise they're not worth your time and energy.

    Let's take an illustration. So the act of approaching someone, asking for their phone number, and asking for a date is all for the chaser; deciding to engage with the initiator, giving their phone number and suggesting/hinting the date is all for the chased. Ok, imagine all that is out of the way and now the two of you are in a race with a relationship as the destination: the chased runs ahead of you, but leaves clues for how you, the chaser, can snag him; each time you get a little closer to the chased until you have him and win his heart. Now imagine halfway through you decide 'I'm tired of chasing, I'll wait for them to come to me'. What? No! He's already ahead of you and waiting for you to come to him and will have no idea of this change in the rules.

    Like I said before, it may seem naïve and overly simplified, but apply this practically and it's so powerful. It makes the whole dating game tonnes easier.
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    Dec 18, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    fascinate.jpg

    "... I will reveal this: Many of our choices are, in fact, not choices at all. Our best friends and favorite food, our pets and pet peeves, all are contigent upon the seven triggers. The movies we see, the cereal we buy, we often don't choose to be facinated by these things any more than we choose to feel thirsty or fall asleep. It's the same with the opinions we believe, the jokes that make us laugh, and the person with whom we fall in (and out of) love. We're in control far less than we fancy ourselves to be, because our behavior is being pulled by seven unseen strings."
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    Dec 18, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    I went by the axiom, " Take control of the situation instead of the situation controlling you."


    bryanc_74 and I are on the same page. It's how I eventually met Bill.


    -Doug
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    Dec 18, 2010 2:20 AM GMT
    I get peeved at the kinda opposite too. Where the guy contacts you, chats you up, he seems interesting, but when you say lets me up, he's says something like: oh this is a busy/bad time for him, but he does want to meet.

    I'm like, then why did you contact me now if you are too busy??? I write the guy off as a flake with his head up his ass. And it is very hard for him to get back into my good graces again. ...Kind of like: fool me once...
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    Dec 18, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    kangourou said
    I don't necessarily think that the initiator gets to ultimately choose as it's the person you approach who has the choice to brush you off or continue talking with you. However, I agree that the chased must actively (even though we might think of it as the passive role) be dropping hints directly or indirectly of their interest in you otherwise they're not worth your time and energy.

    Let's take an illustration. So the act of approaching someone, asking for their phone number, and asking for a date is all for the chaser; deciding to engage with the initiator, giving their phone number and suggesting/hinting the date is all for the chased. Ok, imagine all that is out of the way and now the two of you are in a race with a relationship as the destination: the chased runs ahead of you, but leaves clues for how you, the chaser, can snag him; each time you get a little closer to the chased until you have him and win his heart. Now imagine halfway through you decide 'I'm tired of chasing, I'll wait for them to come to me'. What? No! He's already ahead of you and waiting for you to come to him and will have no idea of this change in the rules.

    Like I said before, it may seem naïve and overly simplified, but apply this practically and it's so powerful. It makes the whole dating game tonnes easier.


    This only conjures vision of Victorian-esque tittering and dropping of hankerchiefs in me.

    However, the fact that the chasee in this example from the 1800's (in my head) is leaving clues IS reciprocation to the chaser's advances. The chaser doesn't get tired of chasing provided there's incentive to keep going. No one should be expected to chase if there's just nothing. That's an example of insanity--the act of doing the same thing over and over, each time expecting a different result.
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    Dec 18, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    It's Harrisburg, budd; good fences make good neighbors! Germans and ScotsIrish predominate, still...Baltimore/Washington are just 100 minutes away! icon_wink.gif

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    Dec 18, 2010 2:27 PM GMT
    Hey boy, I really wanna be with you
    Cause you just my type
    Ooh na na na na
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    Dec 18, 2010 2:31 PM GMT
    @dragondevil I am dying right now!
    maybe I could get a reality show outta this... throw it on discovery... and have a HOT Aussie guy narrate!!

    @MarriedAdam... My pimpn' is from NYC, down through Philly, over to B-more, and DOWN to DC! ITS ALL THE SAME BS!! icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 18, 2010 2:32 PM GMT
    I do and I can't stand it. I like being approached. It's really not an ego thing, it's more of a fear of rejection thing, which I guess in turn is a ego thing, haha!

    Kinda comes down to the fact that I'm used to being dismissed based on how I used to look (formerly over 260lbs). Learned behavior, I guess. Something I need to get over, haha!
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    Dec 18, 2010 2:35 PM GMT
    TKDCadet saidI do and I can't stand it. I like being approached. It's really not an ego thing, it's more of a fear of rejection thing, which I guess in turn is a ego thing, haha!

    Kinda comes down to the fact that I'm used to being dismissed based on how I used to look (formerly over 260lbs). Learned behavior, I guess. Something I need to get over, haha!



    I know what you mean... I will always be THE FAT KID!
    I was 250 lbs in a size 40 waist


    .....and people wonder why I am so self conscious!