Coming out to that straight guy you were in love with...


  • Dec 17, 2010 12:54 AM GMT
    So, I am currently beginning the process of coming out to people and I need a little bit of advice. Background: In college, I was for a while very close friends with one of my roommates. I was also in love with him. I couldn't deal with the fact that he would never love me back, and so I broke all contact with him halfway through our last year at university. He never knew my reasons (I told him some part truths to get him to leave me alone) and up until last year he was still trying to contact me to repair our friendship.

    We had an extremely close bond, but it was a bond that was entirely different on my end. He was very open with me, but I was in a sense always lying to him and betraying his trust by not disclosing the true nature of my feelings. He did a lot of things around me that I am sure he would not have done had he known I was gay. I cannot help but feel that this news will be hard for him.

    So my question is how do I let him know? Like I said, we haven't spoken in about a year (or meaningfully spoken in three years), but he will find out anyways since we have a shit-ton of mutual friends. Is it better to tell him myself or just allow him to hear it second hand and then ask questions if he has any? He is probably the best person I have ever known, so in a sense I feel like I owe it to him to come clean personally.

    Has anyone else been in this situation, and if so, how did you deal with it? I am desperate for advice here.

    (Also, just for the record, I am positive that he is straight. There is zero chance that he has repressed reciprocal feelings for me. Really, it isn't even a possibility.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 12:58 AM GMT
    Even if you have feelings for him why can't you just be friends? Be honest with him maybe he can be your best man when you find the right guy icon_wink.gif

  • Dec 17, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    Chase21 saidEven if you have feelings for him why can't you just be friends? Be honest with him maybe he can be your best man when you find the right guy icon_wink.gif


    Because I'm still in love with him, even three years after breaking off all contact :/

    Being around him is torture.
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Born_by_the_river said
    Chase21 saidEven if you have feelings for him why can't you just be friends? Be honest with him maybe he can be your best man when you find the right guy icon_wink.gif


    Because I'm still in love with him, even three years after breaking off all contact :/

    Being around him is torture.


    Aweee... icon_sad.gif

    I really can't say anything other than could you love him as a friend? Good friends are hard to come by and I'd hate to see you lose such a good friend. He's still trying to get in contact with you so it must have been meaningful for both of you. You obviously still have a crush on him have you tried dating other guys or even looking at other guys? I almost feel like this guy is the epitome of what you want and you know you can’t have it so you’re just staying stuck? I don’t know what else to say just realize you might lose a good friend, and you have to be okay with that. (I try not to live with regrets life's too short)
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    Don't make a fool of yourself by letting your feelings take this any further. I've known of several cases where the straight guy was plenty willing to be friends with a gay guy but once the gay took the leep to tell their feelings, it totally killed the friendship in all the cases I know of. Please save yourself the embarassment of taking this any further. You will live without him, so start doing so.
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    What we have here, folks, is the beginning stages of a seriously dangerous stalker.
    Dude, get the fuck over him before you hurt him.
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    realifedad said Don't make a fool of yourself by letting your feelings take this any further. I've known of several cases where the straight guy was plenty willing to be friends with a gay guy but once the gay took the leep to tell their feelings, it totally killed the friendship in all the cases I know of. Please save yourself the embarassment of taking this any further. You will live without him, so start doing so.


    Are you saying gay guys can't have straight friends? OR more specifically gay guys can't have straight friends they're attracted to? I agree with your advice about moving on.

    Just to throw this out there they're are straight guys that actually like having gay guys find them attractive. I guess it boosts their ego lol.

  • Dec 17, 2010 1:27 AM GMT
    Chase21 said

    Aweee... icon_sad.gif

    I really can't say anything other than could you love him as a friend? Good friends are hard to come by and I'd hate to see you lose such a good friend. He's still trying to get in contact with you so it must have been meaningful for both of you. You obviously still have a crush on him have you tried dating other guys or even looking at other guys? I almost feel like this guy is the epitome of what you want and you know you can’t have it so you’re just staying stuck? I don’t know what else to say just realize you might lose a good friend, and you have to be okay with that. (I try not to live with regrets life's too short)


    Trying to love him as a friend didn't exactly work out. I've pretty much given up on our friendship, I just need to figure out how to handle the situation of him learning that I'm gay. I expect that he'll feel pretty betrayed since we were in a lot of compromising situations together, so I need to figure out whether telling him myself or letting him find out through the grapevine would be the wisest and most charitable choice.

  • Dec 17, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidWhat we have here, folks, is the beginning stages of a seriously dangerous stalker.
    Dude, get the fuck over him before you hurt him.


    I'm the one who cut off contact with him, you asshat, and if I know he's going to be somewhere I avoid the event. I'm like a reverse stalker.
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:39 AM GMT
    Born_by_the_river said
    Trying to love him as a friend didn't exactly work out. I've pretty much given up on our friendship, I just need to figure out how to handle the situation of him learning that I'm gay. I expect that he'll feel pretty betrayed since we were in a lot of compromising situations together, so I need to figure out whether telling him myself or letting him find out through the grapevine would be the wisest and most charitable choice.

    If you don't plan on being friends with him then it shouldn't matter if he hears it from you or through the grapevine. It sounds like you've got it bad, and I feel for you. I can understand now why you cut it off the same reason some smokers quit cold turkey. As hard as it is you really need to let this go. Get your mind off of this watch a favorite tv show or movie, hang out with your family, or go to the gym, but obsessing isn't healthy.

    P.S. I don't think you're a stalker you just have a serious crush (Somewhat obsessive), and hopefully one day you can look back and laugh about it.
  • douglasjames2

    Posts: 45

    Dec 17, 2010 2:26 AM GMT
    Here is my 2cent worth:
    He should hear from YOU!
    Don't tell him you have a crush on him. He will freak out.
    He still values your friendship. Deep down you still value the friendship, too.
    If you decide to end the friendship, at least it ended with him know the truth. You can move on.

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    Dec 17, 2010 2:27 AM GMT
    dude im having the same problem im out to almost everyone but this guy doesnt live in the same town PLUS he is a bosnian muslim lol he would just fuckng hate me more but damn hes so hoticon_exclaim.gificon_razz.gif
  • RSportsguy

    Posts: 1925

    Dec 17, 2010 3:21 AM GMT
    The more time that passes, the better it will get. I don't think you have to personally tell him. If he finds out from one of your mutual friends, then the ball is in his court to see if he wants to contact you and offer his support. It is ok to think about him every once in awhile, just do not obsess over him. Good luck Born by the River. I know this is very hard to go through!!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Dec 17, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    Dude...let sleeping dog's lay....say nothing....Remember the past fondly...but nothing good will become of this....BUD
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    Dec 17, 2010 3:33 AM GMT
    I'm currently in the same situation with my best friend... haven't come out to him, but figure it's better to have him in my life than not at all... I would be miserable with or without him.... Staying friends is your best bet!
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    Dec 17, 2010 3:36 AM GMT
    OP it sounds like you have emotional problems.
    Why cut someone out your life for your own selfish reasons?
    He's straight, gay don't make straight.
    Youre delusional and self loathing. You probably have pictures of him under your bed or a shrine.
    If you were half as smart as you think you are,
    You'd leave good and well alone.
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Dec 17, 2010 3:36 AM GMT
    I think you should just tell him what happened. If you never are friends with him again, it will give him the closure and answers he deserves as to the sudden drop off. That would naturally upset anyone.
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    I don't know why everyone's being so critical, most of us have been here before.

    So I understand what you're going through. I don't think its selfish to distance yourself from someone you can't handle being around. Especially when there's that much emotion involved.

    But i'll give you the same advice that I give my straight friends too, and that is that more than one person can make you feel that way. Can make your heart race with passion, can make you feel like anything is possible, Can make you hard with the sound of his voice, and can make you see the world in a different way.

    its about understanding that there is not ONE person in this world for you but instead numerous potential mates and possibilities.

    Don't you owe it to yourself to explore the possibilities of a man who likes men? A guy who appreciates the fact that you're a dude with a penis and all?

    He can be just as charming, he can be just as genuine and he could even grow to be your best friend too, just one that you happen to sleep with lol. You deserve to be happy, so start loving yourself more and explore what the gay/bi world has to offer you. but its a choice and you have to choose it.

    You can't help how you feel, but you can take the first step towards freeing yourself from this co-dependency you've developed on your straight friend.

    So to make a long story short. Don't be a glutton for punishment! Stop wanting what you can't have! And if you need to prove to yourself that you can't have it, tell him and feel the awkwardness, have him tell you bluntly: "Dude I'm not gay."

    It should put things into perspective for you real quick.
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:17 PM GMT
    Chase21 saidEven if you have feelings for him why can't you just be friends? Be honest with him maybe he can be your best man when you find the right guy icon_wink.gif


    Have you ever tried being "just friends" with a guy you're in love with? It doesn't work.

    News is always better when it comes from the originator, no matter what the news.

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    Dec 17, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    You need to tell him. If he is meant to be a friend to you he will be. And your feelings for him will change as time goes on & you move into this phase of your friendship.

    It is hard telling your best friend that you are gay. I just came out recently & told best friend of 30 years. I was dreading it... but it was no big deal & nothing has changed.
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:20 PM GMT
    He is probably sad about the end of your friendship, and deserves an explanation. But first, did you ever tell him you were gay? If not, then THAT is the email you should send him (first). Something like, "The reason why I stopped talking to you is I'm gay and I'm not sure how you would take that."

    If he says he's cool with it, then tell him, part 2. "I stopped talking to you also because I started to see you more than a friend."

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Since you aren't even friends now, and there are hard feelings on both sides (no pun intended), just email the reasons and let things settle where they may.
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:23 PM GMT
    iLover saidOP it sounds like you have emotional problems.
    Why cut someone out your life for your own selfish reasons?
    He's straight, gay don't make straight.
    Youre delusional and self loathing. You probably have pictures of him under your bed or a shrine.
    If you were half as smart as you think you are,
    You'd leave good and well alone.


    Sounds like you got beat as a child.

    This isn't selfish at all... from what I understand, he's trying to break away from this friendship because it's totally different for him than it is for the other guy. In the real world, we call that a sacrifice, in order to make the other person happy.

    How you can call someone delusional and self loathing from a couple of sentences is beyond me, but then again I shouldn't care about a guy who is, by definition of his profile, a troll.
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    I did that. Didn't go very well icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:40 PM GMT
    footballjock saiddude im having the same problem im out to almost everyone but this guy doesnt live in the same town PLUS he is a bosnian muslim lol he would just fuckng hate me more but damn hes so hotb1b1


    I'm a Paki Muslim and wouldn't hate you =P

    seriously you need closure..then move on
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    Dec 17, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    btw i've been here before about 8 years ago..totally str8 friend...we did everything together...even slept in the same bed...it was torture....what I did was cut him off and didnt talk to him for years...he found out I was gay 6 years later and the person who told him told me said he didnt care...but we just can't be friends now after so long of me cutting him out of my life...I guess I should have told him..he was a true friend...he probably would have been empathetic and understood what I was going through...eventually my feelings for him would have faded and I would have moved on keeping him as a friend icon_smile.gif