Getting a legal separation...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 3:27 AM GMT
    i just found out that my husband ran up a $140.00 long distance charge on our phone bill calling a sex chat line that he j/o to. He's kept it a secret from me until my phone carrier questioned if I was aware that "switching to a different plan may be best"? I love him dearly and am in love with him but I don't trust him; this is the second time. I'm desperate and need advice.
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    Dec 17, 2010 4:45 AM GMT
    royken73 saidi just found out that my husband ran up a $140.00 long distance charge on our phone bill calling a sex chat line that he j/o to. He's kept it a secret from me until my phone carrier questioned if I was aware that "switching to a different plan may be best"? I love him dearly and am in love with him but I don't trust him; this is the second time. I'm desperate and need advice.


    Communication is a wonderful tool - I'd say bring up your concerns (in the least criticizing/angry way possible) with him and explain how it's hurting you. This may open up an avenue for further discussion about what's working/not-working in your relationship.

    If this is something you've confronted him about before and he's still doing it (regardless of your feelings), you could consider couples therapy/counselling. Bringing in a professional may help your guy see the light concerning the situation.
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    Dec 17, 2010 4:54 AM GMT
    While communication is important, I think counseling might also be necessary as it seems there might be some issues of addiction. This was the second time you caught him and you only know about this because the $140 cost left a paper trail. What about things that can be done for free, like cam and im on certain websites? There is probably more than you know. Look for some professional help for the both of you and probably some for him on his own.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 17, 2010 4:57 AM GMT
    And, I know of couples who have separate phone accounts...icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 17, 2010 4:59 AM GMT
    royken73 saidi just found out that my husband ran up a $140.00 long distance charge on our phone bill calling a sex chat line that he j/o to.


    LMFAO!
    Sorry.

    Why would someone pay for phone sex? icon_neutral.gif
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Dec 17, 2010 5:19 AM GMT
    Is the issue with your man a financial issue or a relationship fidelity issue? I can't tell by your post.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 5:27 AM GMT
    Sounds like a question of trust and money. Bummer. Well if you cant' trust the person you love then that is usually a sign to end it especially when the heart and money are involved. Trust is hard to gain but easy to lose and since your man was keeping a secret about his crude phone calls (which begs to ask another question) it really makes you wonder what else he's keeping from you?
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    Dec 17, 2010 5:32 AM GMT
    Bend him over and spank that ass...spank it!

    I just had to punish my man for buying to many cases of soda from someone at work pushing their kids school uniform agenda.
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    Dec 17, 2010 6:20 AM GMT
    Was the sex line the type with a specific fetish?
    Be sure to ask him that (or research it yourself).
    If it is, you may have more on your hands than just an untrustworthy partner...you might have some serious fun awaiting you. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 7:50 AM GMT
    no biggy.. its just s financei issue.. get separate accounts icon_smile.gif phone sex is like porn... you dont need to separate from someone for porn after all..

    And well, in the Caribbean, we wouldnt even separate for visiting prostitutes... its not that big of an issue for most couples here... spending too much money however... is!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 9:05 AM GMT
    Your topic headline expreses a desire for a legal separation. Were you two legally married somewhere?
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    BlueBlur saidYour topic headline expreses a desire for a legal separation. Were you two legally married somewhere?


    we are legally married with a marriage license in Mass. It's NOT about the money at all. It's about why he's doing it and keeping it a secret. it's about trust, it's about lies. Never about the money... i'm just so very heartbroken. I waited all my life for him and now I just don't know.
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:21 PM GMT
    Once you find out how much you'll have to pay your lawyers that $140 phone bill will seem like nothing.
    Get separate phone accounts and forget about it.
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    Dec 17, 2010 1:43 PM GMT
    I agree that trust is extremely important in a relationship. In fact, it is the most important part of a relationship to me.

    However, another important part is being there to support your partner when times are bad. Speak to a trained counselor about your feelings, and see if you guys can work this out. Perhaps there are underlying issues that are causing him to feel the need to keep this a secret.

    If you really love him, this is absolutely something worth fighting for. I don't know if there is anything more you are not telling us, but the issue as you have portrayed it is not insurmountable.

    Good luck.
    royken73 said
    BlueBlur saidYour topic headline expreses a desire for a legal separation. Were you two legally married somewhere?


    we are legally married with a marriage license in Mass. It's NOT about the money at all. It's about why he's doing it and keeping it a secret. it's about trust, it's about lies. Never about the money... i'm just so very heartbroken. I waited all my life for him and now I just don't know.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Dec 17, 2010 1:59 PM GMT
    A1EX said
    royken73 saidi just found out that my husband ran up a $140.00 long distance charge on our phone bill calling a sex chat line that he j/o to.


    LMFAO!
    Sorry.

    Why would someone pay for phone sex? icon_neutral.gif


    I know, right? icon_neutral.gif

    Ask him what you guys can do to turn up the heat in bed. I'm not sure I'd feel threatened by paid for phone sex. icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 17, 2010 2:06 PM GMT
    You need to talk to communicate about how you both feel without getting all defensive - that can be a tall order, but you need to put forth the effort.

    A conversation is in order, probably ought to ask him if he wants to be with other men. Be honest, not condemning. I think you need to go a ways yet before you consider a separation, thats a little extreme.
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    Dec 17, 2010 6:02 PM GMT
    royken73 said
    BlueBlur saidYour topic headline expreses a desire for a legal separation. Were you two legally married somewhere?


    we are legally married with a marriage license in Mass. It's NOT about the money at all. It's about why he's doing it and keeping it a secret. it's about trust, it's about lies. Never about the money... i'm just so very heartbroken. I waited all my life for him and now I just don't know.


    Well I do hate to hear that you and your husband are having problems. If you are serious about wanting a legal separation (as opposed to just venting your frustrations), send me a message and I can provide you some legal information on how to get the process started. Hopefully you two will be able to work out your current issues, but if not I'd be happy to point you in the right direction. Best wishes Royken.
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    Dec 17, 2010 6:11 PM GMT
    aerovaulter said

    Communication is a wonderful tool - I'd say bring up your concerns (in the least criticizing/angry way possible) with him and explain how it's hurting you. This may open up an avenue for further discussion about what's working/not-working in your relationship.

    If this is something you've confronted him about before and he's still doing it (regardless of your feelings), you could consider couples therapy/counselling. Bringing in a professional may help your guy see the light concerning the situation.


    Listen to my friend here. He is a smart man. Try one last ditch effort to communicate and solve this problem. Give him an ultimatum if you must
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Dec 17, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    It's phone sex. I thought this was going to be domestic violence, cheating, or spiraling into vast debt. Maybe it's what gets him off? It's not that big of a deal. And you can't get STIs from phones... Usually.

    And maybe you can call him and be like: "Hello, I play safety on the local foot ball team. I need some advice.... Can you help me?" .... "I'm taking off my pads..."

    See, it's free. icon_wink.gif
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Dec 17, 2010 6:26 PM GMT
    royken73 said
    BlueBlur saidYour topic headline expreses a desire for a legal separation. Were you two legally married somewhere?


    we are legally married with a marriage license in Mass. It's NOT about the money at all. It's about why he's doing it and keeping it a secret. it's about trust, it's about lies. Never about the money... i'm just so very heartbroken. I waited all my life for him and now I just don't know.


    HE'S EMBARRASSED! I can see why. You're willing to leave him over phone sex. Overreaction much? Heartbroken..? You're too sensitive. Phone sex him. You guys should have a pow wow and figure out one another's needs.

    You waited all your life for him but are giving up because of a phone call. Dramatizing it into a "lie" "issue" won't change how f'd up that is. I'm thinking you're just not that into him and are trying to feel justified in leaving him.

    Chillax, if he was worth getting married to in the first place you can WORK THIS ONE OUT. Don't bail on him so easily. If this is your biggest problem then consider yourself blessed. Married people keep secrets from each other.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Dec 17, 2010 6:28 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidWas the sex line the type with a specific fetish?
    Be sure to ask him that (or research it yourself).
    If it is, you may have more on your hands than just an untrustworthy partner...you might have some serious fun awaiting you. icon_twisted.gif


    Paul wants to do a party line.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Dec 17, 2010 6:34 PM GMT
    It may sound stupid....But have you ever discussed the "rules" of the relationship?. Do you concider phone sex or cam sex as being unfaithful?. I think you guys need better communication.....icon_wink.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 7:05 PM GMT
    I know gay couples you've been together for over 20 years, and the formula for success each couple has is quite varied. Some are strictly monogamous, while others have completely open relationships. Some permit a little playing on the side, so long as it doesn't come into their house or done within the other partner's sight, while some share 3-ways and group scenes right at home.

    If a partner likes online porn or phone sex, my question would be: does it undermine and endanger the relationship? Does it represent a sexual lack, that his partner is failing to provide, and needs to address? Or does he just like that variety, on top of what he's happily getting & returning in their own bedroom?

    The OP and his husband need to talk, as many here have already said. And work out some rules of engagement, as we'd say in the Army. Ya know, my own partner likes to visit Silver Daddies, where he has many friends, and I don't feel threatened. And I come to RJ, where I have many friends, some I've met in person and introduced to my husband, and he's likewise cool with that.

    And if my hubby wanted to visit porn sites, or dial-a-sex, I wouldn't care so long as that made him happy. Only excessive cost might be an issue, because neither of us spends money selfishly or secretly on our own selves.

    Our money is community property, belonging to neither of us individually but to both of us collectively. If we do squirrel a little away in secret it's only to save on surprise gifts for the other, never for indulging our own selves.

    So I would accept a long-distance sex chat line charge for my husband if he asked me, knowing that was what he wanted. I'd ask him if I was failing him in some way, but if he said no, he just liked this other stuff, too, I'd be comfortable with it. I mean, can I cover ALL his sexual bases, nor he mine? His sexuality isn't defined or limited by what I myself like to do or can offer him.

    What I wouldn't like is him going behind my back, as it happening with the OP. I don't dislike the action so much as the deception. THAT is the first problem that needs to be resolved here, in my view.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2010 7:22 PM GMT
    Trust more so than communication is a very delicate matter and THE most important rule or agreement in any human relationship, most especially in a committed one; having said that you either forgive him AGAIN or give him a final ultimatum! but if you love him that much by all means please forgive him!! although keep in mind next time he breaks that trust you must be willing to live with it or leave him without giving it another second thought.


    I dealt with this situation four years ago and forgave him a second time, THAT was my first mistake, simply because I didn't realized the severity of his porn addiction. While it is true we all suffer from some sort of emotional, physiological, or sexual addiction or what I call "dependency" it is also true that addictions of any kind is a sign of a person's weakness, mistrust, and insecurity in their character; which I am sure IT will always ring up a few very important questions in back of your mind; like Am I willing to live with someone who lies in order to satisfy an addiction? if I am honest and loyal to my partner don't I am entitled to deserve same respect? and I am only scratching the surface of other underlined problems that either you are in denial to accept or is simply totally unaware of? at this point it seems that professional help may be the next best thing since he is obviously not taken your concern too seriously.
    Good luck!!




    Leandro ♥
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    Dec 17, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    Vaughn said
    paulflexes saidWas the sex line the type with a specific fetish?
    Be sure to ask him that (or research it yourself).
    If it is, you may have more on your hands than just an untrustworthy partner...you might have some serious fun awaiting you. icon_twisted.gif


    Paul wants to do a party line.
    icon_biggrin.gif