Being a great friend in a time of low, or wanting something...?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    So, I met this guy at a club when I was with my friends one night. I'm not going to say that I was totally "shmamzied" (don't mock the word, it's the best word you've ever heard) but I was feeling really good. Well, we ended up talking at the bar for around an hour and a half. I'm pretty sure he was flirting with me the whole time, but 1) he seemed really interesting since we had a lot in common, and 2) I was hammered, so I really didn't care at the time. I ended up finding out that he has a boyfriend and that his boyfriend was the manager at the club we were at. So naturally I was like "can you get us in here for free sometime?" He was all for it, even said we could get free drinks and stuff. So we exchanged numbers and I didn't think anything of it, he was just a cool guy I got to talk with.

    Well, I'm now facebook friends with both he and his partner. They are both really cool and both have told me that they are kind of in an open relationship (which I guess isn't that strange in the gay world now a days?). Well, we've been texting back and forth ever since. I really don't have any interest in dating/hooking up/doing anything with this guy, he's just cool to be around. I'd tell him about things that happen in the day, stuff I do over the weekend, etc... He actually invited me to go see "Burlesque" with him, his boyfriend, and some of his boyfriend's family over Thanksgiving. They paid for my ticket, popcorn, pop... I don't have money at this point.

    So every now and then he asks me to do stuff, but all of it seems to cost money. I keep telling him that it was nice to get an invite, but i just don't have the money to do these things. But he offers to pay for it every time so, I go and have some fun. I've seen a bunch of movies, he's let me and my friends into the club for free, we've gotten loads of free shots and drinks...

    Now, sometimes I get the feeling that he wants to be more than just friends. I'll tell him that I'm on a date and he'll text me back saying, "wish I was there icon_wink.gif" There are other situations like this too... So now I can't help but think that all these nice gestures are coming from the fact that he wants me. And now I feel kind of bad because I don't want him to think that I'm interested in him like that, but at the same time I'm thinking that I'm using him for movies and stuff... even though he's the one that's asking me to go...

    Should I tell him that I'm just not interested and hope that that wasn't his intentions? These gifts are really nice, but I'm not about to entertain the fact that I'm interested just to get some free stuff.

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    Dec 18, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    i hope you re read your thread after you posted it because if you did, you'll see what the rest of us are seeing......a rather immature kid who is letting someone pay for a ride well knowing what human dynamics are involved and what this is leading up to. If you want your conscience assuaged, I won't do it, I think what you are doing is shallow and pretty transparent.

    That is not in any way meant to hurt you, it is constructive criticism coming from a guy who has been in the other guys' shoes. Two words: grow up.

    Said as lovingly to a brother as I can.............................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Dec 18, 2010 6:27 PM GMT
    Oy, the perils of asking advice. There is no such thing as "constructive criticism", just call it what it is, criticism.

    The guy you are hanging out with is responsible for his own agenda. He can decide how to manage his own wallet and whom he wishes to invite to a movie and a banana split. I is his money.

    IF he has expectations connected with his generosity then that is his business too.

    There is no quid-pro-quo obligation that you have to sleep with anybody.

    I've taken out lots of people who didn't have money, and people have taken me out when I was busted too. I don't keep score and credit that most generous people (and that is how this fellow sounds) don't either.

    If you want to do something in return then make the guy (and his bf) a meal. You might pick them a bunch of flowers. Try to find something nice to do that is within your means.

    Sorry your feeling guilty about this. Looking deeply at those feelings is very likely a worthwhile thing to do. You're a young guy and it would be a pity to go through your life with such guilt.

    Cheers,
    Terry
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    Dec 18, 2010 6:29 PM GMT
    vetteset saidi hope you re read your thread after you posted it because if you did, you'll see what the rest of us are seeing......a rather immature kid who is letting someone pay for a ride well knowing what human dynamics are involved and what this is leading up to. If you want your conscience assuaged, I won't do it, I think what you are doing is shallow and pretty transparent.

    That is not in any way meant to hurt you, it is constructive criticism coming from a guy who has been in the other guys' shoes. Two words: grow up.

    Said as lovingly to a brother as I can.............................Keithicon_cool.gif


    No where in your response is there any type of constructive criticism, just a bunch of heated banter. It would have been easier to say, "Go fuck yourself. Love you! Keith." You would have been more blunt, to the point, and came off less passive aggressive.

    And I'm sick of people playing the immature card. Just because you have 30 some odd years on me does not make you any the wiser, only more experienced. Which is why I come here... to seek advise on a situation I am not familiar with where others might have some experience.
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    Dec 18, 2010 6:35 PM GMT
    Maybe I should just take my own advise that I usually dish out: just talk to him...

    Stupid thread. My apologies.
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    Dec 18, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
    You should really have a frank discussion with the couple involved.

    Tell them that you appreciate having the luxury to be so generous but you are no longer comfortable with the amount of generosity that is being given to you. Plus (tactfully) mention that is coming off as bribery which also leaving apprehensive.

    Its time for your to decline some of their well meaning gestures.If you don't have a employment, find one. When you have some spending money, gift them something that would be well meaning.


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    Dec 18, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    Allathlete saidMaybe I should just take my own advise that I usually dish out: just talk to him...

    Stupid thread. My apologies.


    Its okay, you're hot.
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    Dec 18, 2010 7:11 PM GMT
    Allathlete said
    vetteset saidi hope you re read your thread after you posted it because if you did, you'll see what the rest of us are seeing......a rather immature kid who is letting someone pay for a ride well knowing what human dynamics are involved and what this is leading up to. If you want your conscience assuaged, I won't do it, I think what you are doing is shallow and pretty transparent.

    That is not in any way meant to hurt you, it is constructive criticism coming from a guy who has been in the other guys' shoes. Two words: grow up.

    Said as lovingly to a brother as I can.............................Keithicon_cool.gif


    No where in your response is there any type of constructive criticism, just a bunch of heated banter. It would have been easier to say, "Go fuck yourself. Love you! Keith." You would have been more blunt, to the point, and came off less passive aggressive.

    And I'm sick of people playing the immature card. Just because you have 30 some odd years on me does not make you any the wiser, only more experienced. Which is why I come here... to seek advise on a situation I am not familiar with where others might have some experience.


    You came for advice, when you throw your hat in the ring, specify that you only want advice that is nice and comfy for you. constructive is a word which means to build up, that was the intention of my post. if you detect heated banter as you describe it, then withdraw your claws, sip some milk and rewind.....I guess your right, i could have said fuck you, but then again, i assumed you were adult enough to handle my opinion. You mentioned age, I didn't. My advice stands, if you don't want to use it, carry on as if you were normal........................Keith
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 18, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    Allathlete saidMaybe I should just take my own advise that I usually dish out: just talk to him...

    Stupid thread. My apologies.
    buddy, there is nothing wrong with asking yourself that question or asking for advice on this matter. i think one of the post gave you a excellent idea. i hate to have others do things for me because i am always thinking they will use it against me. which is why i always say no or just return the favor. why don't you do something for them. why don't you save up a little money and take them to a inexpensive place for brunch. there is always something you can do for cheap. anyhow, i do not think you are taking advantage of them. i think you should say tell him that you find him very attractive but you do not sleep with your friends. hopefully, that will work better.
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    Dec 18, 2010 8:01 PM GMT
    There's nothing wrong with treating a friend to things if they're having financial issues. I do this all the time. If I really want to do something (and don't want to do it by myself), and my friends can't because they don't have the money, I'll treat them. And, I never expect nor want anything in return. So, it really just depends on the person who is offering up the "free ride". I've had friends do this for me in reverse as well. If I don't have the money, people treat me to things as well. In the end, it all works out.

    However, if you feel there is an ulterior motive here, just talk to the guys. Tell them you really enjoy spending the time with them, but you really just like them both as friends....nothing more. So, if they're cool with that, fine. If they were expecting something more, stop hanging out with them when they're paying.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 19, 2010 12:01 AM GMT
    First off, let's talk about you before we get to your friend. You're under no obligation to him to do anything because he paid for something. You never asked for it, and you never promised him anything in return. As far as your friend is concerned he has to accept the reality that spending money on something often only translates to doing an act of kindness.

    In terms of your friend, I think you need to sit him down and share with him what you are telling us. Most people I know in open relationships are very understanding when you tell them you're not interested in a sexual friendship with them. If he's really you're friend, he'll accept that and continue to be your friend. If he cannot accept those terms, he's not really your friend to begin with.

    You definitely need to lay down some ground rules in order for this friendship to continue as you feel most comfortable.
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    Dec 19, 2010 1:04 AM GMT
    Allathlete said... Should I tell him that I'm just not interested and hope that that wasn't his intentions? ...

    My recommendation, yes. I would not say it in a negative way about not being interested, but that you want to remain friends and not participate in an open relationship. Also my general opinion, and I realize there are exceptions, but in any kind of relationship or just friendship, when one person is covering most or all of the expenses, things don't work out.
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    Dec 19, 2010 2:08 AM GMT
    vetteset saidYou came for advice, when you throw your hat in the ring, specify that you only want advice that is nice and comfy for you. constructive is a word which means to build up, that was the intention of my post. if you detect heated banter as you describe it, then withdraw your claws, sip some milk and rewind.....I guess your right, i could have said fuck you, but then again, i assumed you were adult enough to handle my opinion. You mentioned age, I didn't. My advice stands, if you don't want to use it, carry on as if you were normal........................Keith

    There is a point where you are constructive and just downright condescending and at your advanced age you should know the difference by now.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Dec 19, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    I'm losing my faith in the ability of gay men to have a non-menopausal-female converstation. You're cute and young. That's obviously buying you drinks at the bar. At some point you either have to pay the tab, or stop showing up at the door.
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    Dec 19, 2010 2:29 AM GMT
    UrsaMajor saidOy, the perils of asking advice. There is no such thing as "constructive criticism", just call it what it is, criticism.

    The guy you are hanging out with is responsible for his own agenda. He can decide how to manage his own wallet and whom he wishes to invite to a movie and a banana split. I is his money.

    IF he has expectations connected with his generosity then that is his business too.

    There is no quid-pro-quo obligation that you have to sleep with anybody.

    I've taken out lots of people who didn't have money, and people have taken me out when I was busted too. I don't keep score and credit that most generous people (and that is how this fellow sounds) don't either.

    If you want to do something in return then make the guy (and his bf) a meal. You might pick them a bunch of flowers. Try to find something nice to do that is within your means.

    Sorry your feeling guilty about this. Looking deeply at those feelings is very likely a worthwhile thing to do. You're a young guy and it would be a pity to go through your life with such guilt.

    Cheers,
    Terry



    PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!

    -us guys

    Merry Christmas, Terry!!

  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Dec 19, 2010 2:40 AM GMT
    Don't apologize. This is not a stupid thread.

    This guy apparently wants some sort of sexual relationship. Not saying that's all he wants. But if you want to have a strictly platonic relationship with him, you need to establish that. They key part of what you said is this:

    I really don't have any interest in dating/hooking up/doing anything with this guy

    The question is, does he know that? If not, he needs to know. I'm not suggesting you spring it on him out of the blue, but try to inject it naturally into the conversation when it permits.

    For example, when he texted you "I wish I was there," you could have responded "LOL You already have your man, I'm trying to find mine icon_biggrin.gif" This is basically a light-hearted attempt to establish the boundaries, and it doesn't have him coming across as an aggressive chaser and you, the passive chasee.
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    Dec 19, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidI'm losing my faith in the ability of gay men to have a non-menopausal-female converstation. You're cute and young. That's obviously buying you drinks at the bar. At some point you either have to pay the tab, or stop showing up at the door.


    this is what i was trying to get across, but i guess my english has failed as a first language. He meets the guy, asks if he can get in free, takes free drinks and comps and basically enjoys everything.....think about it instead of getting your panties in a knot................I think he has used someone to his benefit and has given the guy expectations to keep them coming...now he doesn't know what to do......am I wrong.....don't give me shit about age, it has fuck all to do with this .......................and don't look now but there are two types of criticism for those really wanting it and only one type for those looking for validation......Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Dec 19, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    vetteset saidYou came for advice, when you throw your hat in the ring, specify that you only want advice that is nice and comfy for you. constructive is a word which means to build up, that was the intention of my post. if you detect heated banter as you describe it, then withdraw your claws, sip some milk and rewind.....I guess your right, i could have said fuck you, but then again, i assumed you were adult enough to handle my opinion. You mentioned age, I didn't. My advice stands, if you don't want to use it, carry on as if you were normal........................Keith

    There is a point where you are constructive and just downright condescending and at your advanced age you should know the difference by now.


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    Dec 19, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
    Well you don't look like a Lucky Pierre to me...