What do you do when a person you've known has died?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    So the story is that i have a friend who has died today because of some asshole drunk driver. I don't know how i feel about it now and I think that i should feel angry. It hurts more to know that I knew this person rather than it being random.

    here's the link for details:
    http://www.ocregister.com/news/police-280871-lopez-park.html
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Dec 19, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    I've never been in a situation where someone I knew died suddenly.
    Never the less, if I was, I'd send a sympathy card to the family, and probably attend the funeral or memorial service (if they were close to me).

    BTW, I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 19, 2010 3:13 AM GMT
    In the simplest of terms, you hurt.

    For a little while, there is nothing you can do. You have lost a friend in the worst way possible, suddenly and unfairly. It is a very sad thing and no one can explain it.

    If you can, try to recall the best of the time you had together. Nothing will bring your friend back, but you can certainly celebrate the good in this person and your friendship. Take time to make sure that his family knows you care. Sending flowers or a brief note simply saying that you are very sad for their loss and wishing them strength will mean more than you can know.

    I am very, very sorry to hear that you, or anyone else, has suffered such a loss. It is one of the roughest things there is to face. Take your time with it and get some help from family, friends, or clergy in facing your feelings.
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    Dec 19, 2010 3:13 AM GMT
    What he said ^. Also, out here in farm country, the neighbors usually offer to help the family with daily chores and any unstoppable operations, like an ongoing harvest. The family is certainly not going to be up to it for a few days, especially if the person who died was a key operator.
    This can also be helpful for people with any family-run business.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 3:31 AM GMT
    I read your news link, and I am so sorry for you. And needless to say, for the 2 lives lost.

    I wonder if the driver of the other car will be charged? He's 18, so how could he legally have been drinking any alcohol, much less been exceeding the limit?

    I hope you will keep up informed how this goes. And again, my sympathies to you, and to the family concerned.
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    Dec 19, 2010 3:32 AM GMT
    Aren't there several stages of grieving that people go thru? Google them so you can recognize them. Denial is one. Anger is another.
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    Dec 19, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    Caslon17000 saidAren't there several stages of grieving that people go thru? Google them so you can recognize them. Denial is one. Anger is another.

    All true. But what the OP needs is a hug, not our words. I hope someone can give it to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 3:35 AM GMT
    I am very sorry about that. Stay strong and be supportive of his family.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    Nothing said will make this easier. Possibly it may help to read of another similar incident, 4/9/2009, in Fullerton, not far from where this occurred, and reaction in the community. Three guys, including an Angels baseball player and another guy who went to the high school in my community, were killed by a drunk driver. One guy survived and made a miraculous recovery. These links are the national stories, but if you google the names you can find the specific coverage from the local perspective.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/10/sports/baseball/10angels.html
    http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=4075761
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 19, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    Brah....anger would be a common emotion.....You feel what you feel.....Trust that your friend is in a peaceful place and try to be supportive to his friends and family...Lastly....Live your days with promise and don't dwell on regrets....Do this in memory of your friendship...keeping positive thoughts for you and your friend that passed.....Steven...aka....BUD
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    Dec 19, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    I've had to deal with several losses, one as early as 5 years old, now I'm 57 and left just as powerless to understand the emply place that's left when someone you like, care about, or love. I sometimes feel like the experience of loss is almost other worldly, you know it happened, you know its real yet it seems like a play your in, not of your choosing. I'm so sorry to read of your loss and for the families on all sides of this terrible accident. You may never understand the why's, but the loss will be easier to deal with as time goes on, think of the good things the people you lost enjoyed and hold onto those. Take care !!!
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    Dec 19, 2010 4:56 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Caslon17000 saidAren't there several stages of grieving that people go thru? Google them so you can recognize them. Denial is one. Anger is another.

    All true. But what the OP needs is a hug, not our words. I hope someone can give it to him.

    I think know the stages would be good for him, too. They are not just words.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 19, 2010 5:12 AM GMT
    you should let yourself feel however you need to feel. grieving is a very individual process, and you need to do what works best for you. obviously, there are healthy habits, i.e., talking to people if you need to, expressing your emotions, being constructive in your life, but much of it depends on where you are at day to day, moment to moment. just know it's ok to feel a lot of things that might seem wrong to feel, but that you can't let the loss of someone overtake you. you need to find the right balance of healing and moving on, and much of the time perspective and distance through personal growth the situation is what will help you. my condolences for your lost.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 5:21 AM GMT
    well said calibro...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 5:44 AM GMT
    hey man, sorry you have lost a friend, I've found for myself whether it be a sudden loss, in one case a plane crash, or prolonged, Father with cancer, both cause fundamental sadness, confusion, anger.

    How it impacts you is exactly right for you, know that time will make it better, it never fully goes away, but becomes much more manageable. Don't put expectations on yourself for how you "think" you should be feeling. Just feel what you are.

    Reach out to people who love you and talk to them about your friend, doesn't have to be about what your feeling, just about why you liked and respected the person. It's hard to do, but therapeutic as well.

    It does get better.



  • str8hardbody9

    Posts: 1519

    Dec 19, 2010 5:52 AM GMT
    I'm heartbroken as well when I read the link. I'm very sorry for the lost of your friend & his dad. Just give your condolence to your friend's family and attend his funeral. "PLEASE DON'T DRINK & DRIVE!!"icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 7:20 AM GMT
    I was in a similar situation 2 years ago.
    It was first then that I learned to appreciate my friends. Because they really stuck to me and helped me out in times where I thought I was losing it.

    Grieving is a long and hard process. And now I guess, something that separates the men from the boys.

    I'm sorry for your loss.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 7:27 AM GMT
    well I do know what it is. I lost my cousin who was also one of my best friends and the first in my family that I came out a couple months ago .... because of someone who was driving drunk. He was in the car with his friends and this person crash them from behind.

    First thing I did not know how I was feeling. Feelings started coming to me in the past few days .... and it has not pass a day I dont miss him.

    It's a hard situation buddy ... but you'll go through it. Give your support to Douglas family and be strong.

    I'm with you buddy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 8:19 AM GMT
    I lost my mom from cancer when i was 17 .... 37 years later i still miss her .
    You have to go to the funeral , it will bring you closure and show your support to your friend's family .
    Your high school is going to provide some counseling , it would be a good idea to consult one the counselors , he/her will help you with your grieving process .
    Don't hesitate to talk to your friends and tell them how you feel , they always will offer you a shoulder to cry on ..
    My sinceres condoleances ,
    My best to you ....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 9:25 AM GMT
    You just hang in there because time heals all wounds.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 20, 2010 11:35 PM GMT
    Our society isn't very good at discussing death. There's no "should" here: whatever you feel is OK. There are common things people feel when they're grieving, but they happen in any order and vary from person to person. Feeling nothing at all is a very common indeed first response---don't feel bad at all about this.

    Do positive things to celebrate your friend's life and achievements. Their family will thank you, believe me.
  • tyler_helm

    Posts: 299

    Dec 20, 2010 11:48 PM GMT
    There are Five Stages Of Grief

    * 1. Denial and Isolation.
    * 2. Anger.
    * 3. Bargaining.
    * 4. Depression.
    * 5. Acceptance.

    These all are steps that take time. In July, a good friend of mine succumbed to depression and ended his life in an incredibly dramatic manner. Step one took all of two days. I was stuck in anger for three months, and am in the process of other stages. It is harder to deal with these steps when it is a senseless death such as the ones in your case.

    Remember you are not the only one struggling with this. Talking with people who have also been touched will help them and yourself.

    And peace to you and yours. This is awful and it is going to take some time. My you have Peace in your life during this time

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    Drunk driver should get the death penalty.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2010 12:33 AM GMT
    tyler_helm saidThere are Five Stages Of Grief

    * 1. Denial and Isolation.
    * 2. Anger.
    * 3. Bargaining.
    * 4. Depression.
    * 5. Acceptance.



    That's fucking bullshit. Sorry but no single person goes through all those five steps in that order every time someone dies. When my cat died last week I went to #5, then to #4, then back to #5.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    JAKEBENSON said
    tyler_helm saidThere are Five Stages Of Grief

    * 1. Denial and Isolation.
    * 2. Anger.
    * 3. Bargaining.
    * 4. Depression.
    * 5. Acceptance.



    That's fucking bullshit. Sorry but no single person goes through all those five steps in that order every time someone dies. When my cat died last week I went to #5, then to #4, then back to #5.


    Definitely true. My godparents died 17 years ago today...and I still haven't completed grieving over that.