Hookup/Date asks: Are you out? What does that mean/imply?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2010 5:01 AM GMT
    What is one supposed to answer to the question "Are you out?" when in the context of a date or hookup?

    In my case, I used to be "out" a lot more as an undergrad (PSU). I was involved in a non-alcoholic social group that put on activities like capture the flag through the university. I attended rallies. I knew a lot of the 'out' people. I was more politically active. I even would volunteer the information in class sometimes.

    As a graduate student in a different city (Austin), I feel like I'm not out at all. Having lived more of an 'out' life and not had any more success in finding the type of guys I like, I started looking online more and found more of what I was looking for. I feel uneasy when gay issues come up and stay silent a lot. I'm sure the other grad students in the program I'm think I'm weird because I don't drink, but I'm not sure if they think I'm gay or not (I'm sure they do). So, I don't even know how or if it is appropriate to bring that up. I spend a lot of time by myself if I'm not working, at the gym, or in class playing video games.

    So basically, I think I pass for straight until I open my mouth. I get mixed responses on people saying they had no idea and others say they knew immediately. I am probably more articulate than a straight man with words.

    If a guy I meet on the internet for a date or a hookup asks if I'm out, do I say yes? I certainly don't feel out at all. My parents know, but we never talk about it. I don't really have a posse of friends that I run around with all the time (or any time). I'm sort of a loner, and I like it at times and hate it at others. I just like to have my space and do what I want to do. Most people aren't into living a disciplined, healthy lifestyle without alcohol, loud music, or smoking at age 24.
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    Dec 19, 2010 5:08 AM GMT
    i think that the answer really has to come from you on that question. because only you know exactly where you stand and how you feel about your sexuality....I would guess that you're still not too sure yourself, so don't sweat it....just be you..................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Dec 19, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    technically you are out. so if it were a hookup, i would say "out". if it's a date, I will say more than just "yes" or "no" and try to explain the situation.

    i am glad you are living a happy and healthy lifestyle.

    I, on the other hand indulge myself in alcohol and loud music every once in a while (ok, very often). I am good with it as long as I dont become addiction. I can go without alcohol for as long as I want.
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    Dec 19, 2010 5:18 AM GMT
    Being "out" isn't necessarily about how many people know of your sexuality but how willing you are to share your sexuality. It's a state of openness. And if you're out, you don't have to tell the whole world in every new place you go that you're gay/bi but if it comes up you wouldn't hide it.

    Based on what you've shared, I'd say you're out. The people who are close to you know whether they talk about it or not, and you're dating. Most guys who aren't out don't go for relationships as most dl guys search for the "gay experience."
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    Dec 19, 2010 7:32 AM GMT
    H0TChocolate saidBeing "out" isn't necessarily about how many people know of your sexuality but how willing you are to share your sexuality. It's a state of openness. And if you're out, you don't have to tell the whole world in every new place you go that you're gay/bi but if it comes up you wouldn't hide it.

    Based on what you've shared, I'd say you're out. The people who are close to you know whether they talk about it or not, and you're dating. Most guys who aren't out don't go for relationships as most dl guys search for the "gay experience."


    Thanks for this. I guess I am. I'm just not fully comfortable speaking up in all situations or volunteering the fact that I'm gay when it's so much easier to be quiet about it, but it hurts also when gay bashing occurs or I may miss a great opportunity to meet someone because I didn't speak up...Maybe I need to grow up and grow some balls again if I want a better life.

    I don't know what to say when people are like "yea we know you're gay, you don't have to always bring it up." This hasn't happened in real life to me because I'm not always bringing it up, but online gaming, I feel a sense of hate because I bring it up a lot online...

    I don't understand why I get excluded from the 'gay experience' if "out" by closeted guys when occasionally that's what I want!
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    Dec 19, 2010 2:13 PM GMT
    Actually the question is a very important one to bring upfront on a date with those of us who are out and are very comfortable in our skin! my last boyfriend was closeted and bi and I did not enjoyed being introduced as a friend to everyone at all, as a matter of fact I hated it, even thou I did loved him! and although I don't regret having the experience with a closeted and bisexual person I will never ever again get involved with someone who keeps his sexuality a secret. I am totally out and loving it!!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Dec 19, 2010 2:38 PM GMT
    Not drinking is pretty normal these days. As long as you're okay hanging out with the drinkers, they don't care. Especially when they're drunk.

    Being out is about being true to yourself. I used to feel the same way when I started medical school and residency. I never explicitly came out to my co-workers and colleagues, but I never actively hid it either. You can be out in very small, but significant ways. When asked, "Do you have a girlfriend?" I answer, "No, and no boyfriend either." Or, "How is a guy like you still single?" I answer, "I dunno. Guess I just haven't found the right guy yet." If I was straight, I could have said the exact same sentences with the change of just one or two words.

    If you treat it like it's no big deal, no one else will. Their response is only a big one if yours is. If your response is trivial, a big response is just socially disproportionate and people around will recognize it as awkward (for them)
  • DCEric

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    Dec 19, 2010 3:01 PM GMT
    I answer questions asked of me honestly (unless my personal safety is threatened) and correct any misstatements. I consider myself out.

    Do you have a girlfriend?
    No. I have a partner.

    Are you dating anyone?
    No, I am settled down.

    In other words, until they make a mistake, I assume that they haven't assumed anything about my sexuality. Thus, I consider myself out, even if every person I come in contact with doesn't know.
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    Dec 20, 2010 8:20 AM GMT
    So basically it sounds like I should answer questions without thinking about the big picture. I just feel recloseted because I remain silent when I felt I could have volunteered information and made it an awkward situation for the straight and conservative people I am in contact with.