Dont laugh, but How do you know if you are a top or a bottom?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    I know its the dumbest question ever!!! But how do you know of you are a top or a bottom? Are you suppoused to act a certain way? Expected to beheave or to feel a certain way? Or is it just about the role you play in sex?

    Im dead serious and fuckingly confused icon_sad.gif I always asume I was a top, you see Ive never had sex with a man and Im not particulary curious in bottoming so I'd just asume. But now this guy Im dating (vers) says I act like a a bottom, he says I can be such a girl sometimes (when arguing) this kind of comments and something he said today make me feel so fucking confused as of what I thought I knew!

    He makes me feel so stupid when it comes to relationships, I feel so dumb!!

    Please, please share!!
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    you'll know when you've had enough experience to be able to say "I like it, I like it ALOT!!"
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:36 AM GMT
    It means different things to different guys. But I should reiterate that it's got nothing to do with being feminine/masculine or bitch/butch or whatever. Well, for most guys at least. Do what feels good for you and your boyfriend. Don't worry about the labels/stereotypes.
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:36 AM GMT
    ShaDoWhn said[...]
    He makes me feel so stupid when it comes to relationships, I feel so dumb!!
    Please, please share!!


    If he does this purposely, dump him and keep away from such people.
    Never feel stupid/dumb, always desire to be enlightened.
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:46 AM GMT
    this guy you're dating seems to be confused him self: assmusing someone is a bottom because he has effeminate actions/qualities.
    Must have never met a muscle bound power bottom.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Dec 22, 2010 9:12 AM GMT
    Based solely on what you've said, this guy you're dating sounds like a douche.

    Bottoms don't act a certain way. There is no guidebook, dress code, secret handshake or password. The uber-effeminate guys are often tops and hunky macho dudes are often bottoms. You just need to explore and find what you like, and if someone you're with makes you feel stupid or inadequate for that, you need to dump the mother f*cker already.
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    Dec 22, 2010 9:29 AM GMT
    So I want to say there is no set behavior for tops and bottoms and agree with everything or mostly everything that everyone has said before. Just because you act fem doesn't mean you're a bottom and just because you act masc doesn't mean you're a top. I don't think the guy told you you were stupid if he did well dump him. since you said he makes you feel stupid I think its more of him wanting you to believe he knows more than he does which brings back Dustin K tx's idea he may be confused himself with the "roles" and positions you take during sex.
    I think however that he is trying to get you into a more passive role in the relationship and accept it so he could be top more often. And in that aspect changing your idea of masculinity and making you feel like its more femininity. If you don't like this just tell him in a non-confrontational way that you don't like it when you say this, however he might counter that saying that is a bottoms characteristic. or you can go the other way and do confrontational and just tell him straight up you're not acting like a bottom next time he brings it up in this way.
    Just my opinions icon_razz.gif
  • tajsreve

    Posts: 418

    Dec 22, 2010 10:53 AM GMT
    Everyone is right in the respect that there are no rules. No set guide lines.
    I am definately curious as to your friend though. Is he a top...experienced.
    It almost seems like your being "groomed" for a role he wants you to play in a "future" relationship. Pointing out your effeminate qualities... whatever they are and associating that with the "bottom" role, and by him pointing out these characteristics is demeaning to you and says alot about his view of a "bottom" as if it is a negative thing. On the other hand, almost all guys I know straight or gay have both aspects to their personality... masculine and feminine... neither are an indicator of what role they play in a relationship.

    As far as the "Never having had sex with a man before," that is an entirely different issue. You need someone who will let you experiment with everything till you decide what it is you actually like or don't like for that matter.
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    Dec 22, 2010 11:23 AM GMT
    Bunjamon saidBased solely on what you've said, this guy you're dating sounds like a douche.

    Bottoms don't act a certain way. There is no guidebook, dress code, secret handshake or password. The uber-effeminate guys are often tops and hunky macho dudes are often bottoms. You just need to explore and find what you like, and if someone you're with makes you feel stupid or inadequate for that, you need to dump the mother f*cker already.

    oooers I love it when you get aggressive and fierce... makes me all something something in the something... that I wont go into to much detail over.
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Dec 22, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
    I have to agree with everyone here on all accounts. But I hate those top/bottom labels. They definitely create a false sense of what 'role' you should be playing. Just because i like to receive doesn't mean i'm submissive. Likewise if I'm 'inserting' does that mean I'm the big powerful butch control "top"? No sometimes I like to fuck, sometimes I like to get fucked. Masculinity aside. (okay so sometimes i like to be the big butch control top lol, but sometimes i'm the 'power bottom' and sometimes....you get the picture...)

    I also strongly agree with everyone that this guy you're 'dating' doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. He is definitely trying to place his own opinions of 'role' on you and direct you to take the role he wants you to play. Don't fall into that trap. Be the man you want to be on the inside and follow through by having the kind of sex you like. Try everything and repeat what you enjoy!
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    Dec 22, 2010 1:09 PM GMT
    Thanks for posting guys, you've helped a lot icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 22, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    The question itself is the problem, because it assumes that a) one IS either one or the other; and b) that a whole gendered identity follows from it.

    You may find over the course of time that you really prefer to get pounded or to be the pounder. So then you can say, "I prefer topping" or "I prefer bottoming".

    But forget about the question, "Am I a top/bottom?". UNLESS, you find pleasure in "being" assigned one or the other, in which case, go with it and knock yourself out icon_twisted.gif
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 22, 2010 4:21 PM GMT
    It's pretty simple.

    Install a mirror on your bedroom ceiling.

    While you are having sex, if you can look in the mirror and most of what you see is the other guy's back and ass, you are a bottom.

    If you have to twist your neck aroung to even see the mirror, you are either on your stomach and a bottom or a top.


    Just kidding, really.

    What the hell difference does it make? Doing what feels good safely is the idea.

    Screw the labels!
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    Dec 22, 2010 4:38 PM GMT
    This is all beyond silly.

    How about a guy that likes to get it up the butt while he's ON TOP?

    How about a guy who likes to penetrate his partner with his partner on top of him? Is he a bottom because he's on the bottom?

    It's simple, really. If you enjoy getting fucked, you enjoy getting fucked. If you enjoy fucking, you enjoy fucking. If you like doing both, you like doing both.

    I find all the nicknames for preferences and cartoonish inferred stereotypical behaviours rather childish.

    -Doug

  • UnluckyTitan

    Posts: 106

    Dec 22, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    For me I know I'm 90% bottom because that's what I LOVE and what feels great to me. Generally speaking I would say that most of the time I act seem like most any normal straight guy out there. The role you like in sex has nothing to do with your outward appearence or mannorisms. Do what you like and what feels good to you. If one day you do get curious about bottoming then give it a whirl, who knows, you might like it (it is FANTASTIC!). icon_wink.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 22, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    str8 or gay sex, the insertion part just never was the ultimate turn on thrill for me that it was/is for other guys. i honestly didn't care if i topped/inserted my penis in a vagina or rectum...

    i enjoy the foreplay, the hugging, the kissing, the stroking, the rimming, the intimacy of being naked and hard in bed with another attractive (to me!) person....stickin' it in and bangin' away just didn't/doesn't do much at all for me.

    finally, i met a attractive (to me!), intelligent, sexy, calm, patient, receptive-to-MY-feelings man (he's in my profile pics) who took "my pearl of great price" and allowed me to become confident in bottoming.

    i like the extreme intamacy of his penis being inside of my rectum, oh his body being as close to mine as physically possible, the feeling of not knowing where he ends and i begin. we both smile, giggle and makes jokes while we are doin' it. any man who can make me laugh in bed is a potential "keeper"!

    it this makes me a "bottom"...well, so be it.

    :whatever:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    I believe trial and error is the method adopted by most people.
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:10 PM GMT


    Take you clothes off (both of you) and lock yourself in a room for 2 hours, if you don't know after that, then become a lesbian.
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:11 PM GMT
    I'd say....stop worrying so much about labels and do what feels good. But in general, if you don't enjoy being penetrated etc, then you aren't a "bottom", and the same can be said for the role of "top."
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    Dec 22, 2010 5:13 PM GMT
    Perhaps this will clear it up for you-

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1287592/
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 22, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    why pick one of the other?
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Dec 22, 2010 5:24 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidwhy pick one of the other?

    ^^This!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 22, 2010 6:14 PM GMT
    You are a top when your dick is in someone's ass. You are a bottom when someone's dick is in your ass.

    You are an adult when you realize it's no more complicated than that.
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    Dec 22, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    CalSparkx saidI'd say....stop worrying so much about labels and do what feels good. But in general, if you don't enjoy being penetrated etc, then you aren't a "bottom", and the same can be said for the role of "top."


    Whatever feels good when you're with himicon_twisted.gificon_razz.gif
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    Dec 22, 2010 8:09 PM GMT
    I definitely think too many guys get caught up in roles and are determined that if you're a bottom you're less of a man or you're the "woman" in the relationship.

    I didn't know for a long time whether I was a top or bottom and have found I'm happy to do both. My advice is to do what feels good and forget about roles—it's just bullshit. You'll either find a guy you have chemistry with sexually or you won't and it sounds like maybe you and this guy don't.