Thinking about breaking up with my bf

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    Dec 23, 2010 1:49 AM GMT
    I figured this might be a good place to get advice, considering the diverse age range here. My bf is 38 and I'm 20. So some wisdom from the older guys would help as well.

    We're in a committed monogamous relationship. So, Just today, I thought long and hard about my bf and I. I feel like it may be best to break up with him, and start the new year anew and fresh. See, he's great and everything. We've been together for 5 months. I am in love with him. I enjoy his company, we have had literally zero arguments and no drama. Everything is fulfilled (sex is great, we get along really well) EXCEPT for the emotional support. I don't ever hear from him. The only time he would contact me is when we planned something to do. Not hearing from him ever hurts me a lot. I feel like it is a oneway relationship in terms of emotional support. I can't and I won't allow myself to go through this self-pitying crap so I thought just breaking up with him would be the best idea.

    I try communicating with him, but he usually doesn't respond. The communication is lacking, and he says he's always busy with his business/company. I just want to pour my heart out to him and tell him all of this, but I don't want to come off emotional or overdramatic, but it is killing me inside. Any advice on what I should consider before moving forward with this notion? *sigh* I haven't heard from him in a week. I canceled by New Years plan with a few buddies so i could spend it with him, but he hasn't gotten back to me at all. It's like he's ignoring me.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't bombard him with text messages or calls. I text him maybe once every 3 days, but I've stopped recently considering this past week. Only call when i have to.It's like I never cross his mind or something, but I think about him all the time when i've got nothing else to do. Thoughts?

    thanks.
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:00 AM GMT
    He's just using you for his boytoy. Dump him. Move on.
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    I mean he tells me that he "loves spending time with me," I've been over to his place countless times, slept over, the whole she-bang. This past week we went to the Casino and he gave me the winnings, cuz it was my bday.

    It's like when I'm with him, everything is great. It's when we're apart that i feel like this. I tell myself it'll pass, but this is the third time i've felt like this.

    The other two times, we talked on the phone and he says he cares for me as much as I do for him, but that he's just not the kind of guy to show his feelings. I mean, could he at least do something to just let me know. even one text message would be fine at this point.
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    From my experience I'll tell you that no relationship is perfect, and sometimes we may think that the grass is greener on the other side... but in my experience so far, the grass is just as green on either side.

    In your case, you are wanting him to call you more. He might just very independent. One of my ex's was very independent and sometimes seems very "cold". I would suggest NOT breaking up. Seems like something you two can try to work out through communicating what each other needs first.

    Sometimes the other person won't fully be able to give you what you need because this is just not who they are, even though they will try their darnest. But you need to think about all the good things they have to offer you (good sex, zero arguments, etc).

    There are things that are on the top of the list and others not. So if being emotionally supportive is not say your top 2 things on your list that a bf must have, then I say just suck it up and enjoy what the relationship has to offer. You CAN adapt to make things work, and not always expect the other person to adapt for you, if this is something you are willing to do.

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    Dec 23, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    microbiologist saidFrom my experience I'll tell you that no relationship is perfect, and sometimes we may think that the grass is greener on the other side... but in my experience so far, the grass is just as green on either side.

    In your case, you are wanting him to call you more. He might just very independent. One of my ex's was very independent and sometimes seems very "cold". I would suggest NOT breaking up. Seems like something you two can try to work out through communicating what each other needs first.

    Sometimes the other person won't fully be able to give you what you need because this is just not who they are, even though they will try their darnest. But you need to think about all the good things they have to offer you (good sex, zero arguments, etc).

    There are things that are on the top of the list and others not. So if being emotionally supportive is not say your top 2 things on your list that a bf must have, then I say just suck it up and enjoy what the relationship has to offer. You CAN adapt to make things work, and not always expect the other person to adapt for you, if this is something you are willing to do.



    I would put emotional support up there, maybe in the top 4. I mean I too, don't want him to call me every day. Maybe once in a while or a text message here and there a week. Just to know that i do matter to him.

    But you definitely have a point, I will very much consider your words.

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    Dec 23, 2010 2:25 AM GMT

    Take your first post and send it to him in a text. Tell him you're thinking of sending this to an advice column.

    -Doug
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:31 AM GMT
    tru_guy said
    microbiologist saidFrom my experience I'll tell you that no relationship is perfect, and sometimes we may think that the grass is greener on the other side... but in my experience so far, the grass is just as green on either side.

    In your case, you are wanting him to call you more. He might just very independent. One of my ex's was very independent and sometimes seems very "cold". I would suggest NOT breaking up. Seems like something you two can try to work out through communicating what each other needs first.

    Sometimes the other person won't fully be able to give you what you need because this is just not who they are, even though they will try their darnest. But you need to think about all the good things they have to offer you (good sex, zero arguments, etc).

    There are things that are on the top of the list and others not. So if being emotionally supportive is not say your top 2 things on your list that a bf must have, then I say just suck it up and enjoy what the relationship has to offer. You CAN adapt to make things work, and not always expect the other person to adapt for you, if this is something you are willing to do.



    I would put emotional support up there, maybe in the top 4. I mean I too, don't want him to call me every day. Maybe once in a while or a text message here and there a week. Just to know that i do matter to him.

    But you definitely have a point, I will very much consider your words.



    I think this is something that's not too much to ask, to send you a text once in a while saying that he's thinking about you or that he loves you, etc. It's not too much to express to him that you would like him to do this so that you know that you matter to him. Being a great guy that he sounds to be, I am sure he will be willing to do this. Good luck, if you need it.
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    I'm (for the lack of finding the right word) scared to bring this up to him because he might think that I'm being needy.

    I too am pretty independent, but now it feels like i'm controlled by the thought of him. I'll definitely try to talk to him about this, but how can I if he hasn't been responding to me?

    Is it better to do it in person or over the phone? or like someone here said, over text?
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    tru_guy saidI'm (for the lack of finding the right word) scared to bring this up to him because he might think that I'm being needy.

    I too am pretty independent, but now it feels like i'm controlled by the thought of him. I'll definitely try to talk to him about this, but how can I if he hasn't been responding to me?

    Is it better to do it in person or over the phone? or like someone here said, over text?


    In my books, it's not too needy to require at least 1 text per day. Besides you've been dating for 5 months already so I think it should be alright to bring this up.

    It's normal to be controlled by the thought of him. That means you have fallen for him. I felt the exact same way as you when I fell for a guy.

    I think that this conversation should be had either over the phone (when you both are not busy or in a rush to get somewhere) or in person. I mean this has been itching you, so it's best to talk about it. Communication is key to a lasting relationship afterall.
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    Dec 23, 2010 2:50 AM GMT
    We were gonna plan to see each other over my winter break, cuz i go to college. I canceled my plans JUST so i could see him. He has not responded one bit. I've sent him like 5 text messages in the past week.

    And i guess, feeling really down and low today i sent him a text an hour ago saying,

    "I guess I won't be able to see you over winter break but happy holidays [his name.] Take it easy. Ciao."

    I am sorta pissed, because it's like I'm putting my life on hold while he's probably doing whatever right now. *sigh*
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    Dec 23, 2010 3:02 AM GMT
    tru_guy saidWe were gonna plan to see each other over my winter break, cuz i go to college. I canceled my plans JUST so i could see him. He has not responded one bit. I've sent him like 5 text messages in the past week.

    And i guess, feeling really down and low today i sent him a text an hour ago saying,

    "I guess I won't be able to see you over winter break but happy holidays [his name.] Take it easy. Ciao."

    I am sorta pissed, because it's like I'm putting my life on hold while he's probably doing whatever right now. *sigh*


    Sorry to hear that. Usually if a guy really cares about you, he needs to respond to your text the same day or worse comes to worse the day after... especially when you two have to plan something together.

    From reading further into what you've typed, I am starting to get the feeling that maybe the love/commitment isn't equal. In that you love him way more than he loves you. It's frustrating, but it is what it is.

    I have been in a similar situation as you. I fell for this guy and he doesn't respond to my texts either. But he was at least honest with me that he wasn't quite ready to have a relationship or officially date with seriousness. So what I did was that I told myself that I've got lots going for me and if he doesn't want me, then someone else will.

    If you can un-cancel your plans, then I suggest do so. Or just make new ones. Don't wait for him. Have fun during the holidays, I mean you deserve it after all those exams.

    Remember that a guy is just an addition to your happiness, not the center of your happiness. The center of your happiness comes from within yourself, in my opinion.
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    Dec 23, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    microbiologist said
    tru_guy saidWe were gonna plan to see each other over my winter break, cuz i go to college. I canceled my plans JUST so i could see him. He has not responded one bit. I've sent him like 5 text messages in the past week.

    And i guess, feeling really down and low today i sent him a text an hour ago saying,

    "I guess I won't be able to see you over winter break but happy holidays [his name.] Take it easy. Ciao."

    I am sorta pissed, because it's like I'm putting my life on hold while he's probably doing whatever right now. *sigh*


    Sorry to hear that. Usually if a guy really cares about you, he needs to respond to your text the same day or worse comes to worse the day after... especially when you two have to plan something together.

    From reading further into what you've typed, I am starting to get the feeling that maybe the love/commitment isn't equal. In that you love him way more than he loves you. It's frustrating, but it is what it is.

    I have been in a similar situation as you. I fell for this guy and he doesn't respond to my texts either. But he was at least honest with me that he wasn't quite ready to have a relationship or officially date with seriousness. So what I did was that I told myself that I've got lots going for me and if he doesn't want me, then someone else will.

    If you can un-cancel your plans, then I suggest do so. Or just make new ones. Don't wait for him. Have fun during the holidays, I mean you deserve it after all those exams.

    Remember that a guy is just an addition to your happiness, not the center of your happiness. The center of your happiness comes from within yourself, in my opinion.



    Thanks for the advice. I'm going to be contemplating this for the next few days. If he doesn't respond to my by next tuesday, then I might have to let him go AS MUCH as I love him. There is nothing worse than falling in love alone, and not having it reciprocated in even the smallest sense.

    I'm hoping he proves me wrong, but now it seems unlikely. *sigh*

    Also, this guy has told me that he wants to have this relationship with me. I'm just SO confused. I'm getting like mixed messages.
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    Dec 23, 2010 3:23 AM GMT
    Yes. I think that in this day and age, it's reasonable to expect a text back, or even find another means to communicate like email or phone if say his cell phone is broken or something. I mean if you two are in a relationship, the least he could do is to find another way to plan out your holidays together.

    Sometimes people can say things they don't mean I think. This is something you'll learn to pick up through your gut instincts, intuition and/or wisdom as you get older.

    But yes I say just give it a bit more time to see what happens with him but if you do get to see him, just tell him how you feel because this is obviously driving you crazy.

    It does hurt when love is not reciprocated, but you'll survive this, if things don't pan out.
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    Dec 23, 2010 7:27 AM GMT
    He's just not that into you.

    I've been on the other end of this type of scenario, being the older guy in the relationship. It was completely a physical/companionship thing for me, no thoughts of being long term nor developing any real attachment. Career is/was my priority.

    We had the "this is only ever going to be casual" talk at the beginning, but he developed attachments that I didn't, so I ended it.
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    Dec 23, 2010 8:20 AM GMT
    Sometimes it takes a while for you to figure out what you need out of a relationship.

    Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you're capable of giving.

    But once you know, and you don't think you're getting what you need, you need to talk about it together.

    If you can talk about it, then you can address it.

    If there's no talking, especially for the more difficult conversations, well, then there's no relationship.

    Talk to him. See what happens. Then decide.
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    Dec 24, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    My ex ex b/f back in 2008 used to be like that... you know what he was doing ? Seeing other guys at the same time he was with me.... icon_rolleyes.gif

    If someone loves you, or care about you or the relationship come on! I always find hard to believe that I don't get a text in 24 hours from someone I call my boyfriend...

    A text takes seconds to type is nothing complicated or hard... unless you dont want to do it or dont feel like it or they are with someone else which is what it is most of the times... I can understand that sometimes we / they are busy , but taking a few seconds to send a " hey baby wish you a good day" takes nothing to do and more if you love someone..., I am kinda dating someone and I am very careful about that and he is too... we text at least once or twice a day and even a few seconds calls if we are busy with work, but at least we show interest...

    your young , you need to go through some experiences first, and you have a long road ahead of you... get someone younger icon_smile.gif

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    Dec 24, 2010 10:48 PM GMT
    tru_guy saidI figured this might be a good place to get advice, considering the diverse age range here. My bf is 38 and I'm 20. So some wisdom from the older guys would help as well.

    We're in a committed monogamous relationship. So, Just today, I thought long and hard about my bf and I. I feel like it may be best to break up with him, and start the new year anew and fresh. See, he's great and everything. We've been together for 5 months. I am in love with him. I enjoy his company, we have had literally zero arguments and no drama. Everything is fulfilled (sex is great, we get along really well) EXCEPT for the emotional support. I don't ever hear from him. The only time he would contact me is when we planned something to do. Not hearing from him ever hurts me a lot. I feel like it is a oneway relationship in terms of emotional support. I can't and I won't allow myself to go through this self-pitying crap so I thought just breaking up with him would be the best idea.

    I try communicating with him, but he usually doesn't respond. The communication is lacking, and he says he's always busy with his business/company. I just want to pour my heart out to him and tell him all of this, but I don't want to come off emotional or overdramatic, but it is killing me inside. Any advice on what I should consider before moving forward with this notion? *sigh* I haven't heard from him in a week. I canceled by New Years plan with a few buddies so i could spend it with him, but he hasn't gotten back to me at all. It's like he's ignoring me.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't bombard him with text messages or calls. I text him maybe once every 3 days, but I've stopped recently considering this past week. Only call when i have to.It's like I never cross his mind or something, but I think about him all the time when i've got nothing else to do. Thoughts?

    thanks.


    It's very simple. If someone is into you, they make the effort to see you or talk to you.

    In other words, if they are interested enough, regardless of how busy, they will MAKE time for you. He's obviously not that into you.

    Don't take offense, just be grateful that you can recognize this and move on. There's plenty of other guys out there, and more age-appropriate for this stage of your life.