Is is wrong to look for love.

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    Dec 24, 2010 1:42 AM GMT
    I have meet some great guys in my life. But I want that someone to be there for me. I want that feeling of love, not lust. Is that wrong.

    More of the question, are there others, that feel the same way?
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    Dec 24, 2010 1:45 AM GMT

    No, it's not wrong.

    Yes there are. Many.

    - Doug
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    Dec 24, 2010 1:48 AM GMT
    It's not wrong, but people do tend to get kicked in the a** while looking for it (raises hand) since it's both hard and easy to find. Some people have to go through a lot of people to find someone they love and others meet them after one date which turns into a relationship which turns into love
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    Dec 24, 2010 1:48 AM GMT
    When I was it love, It just happened without effort.
    I didn't have to look for Love, we found each other.
    icon_biggrin.gif


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    Dec 24, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    I don't see why it would be wrong. (well, as long as you don't appear desperate)

    I hope to experience love someday.
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    Dec 24, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    It's not wrong it's horribly tedious!
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:03 AM GMT
    Ok, you make me feel so much better. ;-)


    I tell ya, there are a whole slew of PhDs to be made studying the topics on this site.
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:12 AM GMT
    AverageAndrew saidI have meet some great guys in my life. But I want that someone to be there for me. I want that feeling of love, not lust. Is that wrong.

    More of the question, are there others, that feel the same way?


    Why would that be wrong?? That's a very funny question lol.

    And in answer, yes, me too.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 24, 2010 5:07 AM GMT
    Dude ...it's not wrong...but it's hard.....Some guys are self centered and self involved...When things get tough in a relationship...they're the type to bale ..rather than trying to work things out....Finding a loyal guy whose head isn't turned by others reactions....He needs inner strength to resist temptation....My friend if you haven't found that guy yet...your in the same boat as most of us....In the mean while...work on yourself.....hone in and love and respect yourself....It will happen...Give it time.....BUD
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:14 AM GMT
    I don't think it's wrong to look for love, and I think everyone wants that feeling where you feel like that person is going to be there for you. I think I am fortunate enough to have experienced it once and would like to experience it again.
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:16 AM GMT
    mybud saidDude ...it's not wrong...but it's hard.....Some guys are self centered and self involved...When things get tough in a relationship...they're the type to bale ..rather than trying to work things out....Finding a loyal guy whose head isn't turned by others reactions....He needs inner strength to resist temptation....My friend if you haven't found that guy yet...your in the same boat as most of us....In the mean while...work on yourself.....hone in and love and respect yourself....It will happen...Give it time.....BUD


    I was going to say something like this but Bud said it better than i ever could have.

    It's definately not wrong to look. But in this day in age, with everything going on around you it may seem like it's really hard to find the guy you're describing, or the guy that you're looking for. The that meets all of your qualifications.

    It's very hard. I see guys all the time that turn my head, but after getting to know them either a) I'm not what they were looking for (which happens more often than not) or b) I see something in them that wasn't quite what i was looking for.

    I hate to say this because it's been said to me more times than i can count. But, don't rush it. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. The only thing more frustrating than me telling you he's out there, is the feeling you're going to feel when you read it.. you'll prolly feel something on the lines of "Well why the hell is he taking his sweet fucking time trying to find me". If i had that answer i wouldn't be single ;)

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    Dec 24, 2010 5:21 AM GMT
    No, it's not wrong at all. In fact, I'm the same way.

    However, I'm finding that it might be better to stop looking for it and just let it happen. It may take a while, but hopefully you will meet many new people and make new friends in the process.
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    Dec 24, 2010 6:08 AM GMT
    This will sound very Buddha-Buddy but: I travel a lot. In Africa I realized you don't go to Africa...Africa comes to you. You relax and suddenly it opens up to you

    Love is the same, Go looking and it shuts down. Be open and it comes to you...reveals itself.

    Trust me on this.
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    Dec 24, 2010 6:11 AM GMT
    david14 saidThis will sound very Buddha-Buddy but: I travel a lot. In Africa I realized you don't go to Africa...Africa comes to you. You relax and suddenly it opens up to you

    Love is the same, Go looking and it shuts down. Be open and it comes to you...reveals itself.

    Trust me on this.


    True!!!
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Dec 24, 2010 6:14 AM GMT
    Samm77 said
    mybud saidDude ...it's not wrong...but it's hard.....Some guys are self centered and self involved...When things get tough in a relationship...they're the type to bale ..rather than trying to work things out....Finding a loyal guy whose head isn't turned by others reactions....He needs inner strength to resist temptation....My friend if you haven't found that guy yet...your in the same boat as most of us....In the mean while...work on yourself.....hone in and love and respect yourself....It will happen...Give it time.....BUD


    I was going to say something like this but Bud said it better than i ever could have.

    It's definately not wrong to look. But in this day in age, with everything going on around you it may seem like it's really hard to find the guy you're describing, or the guy that you're looking for. The that meets all of your qualifications.

    It's very hard. I see guys all the time that turn my head, but after getting to know them either a) I'm not what they were looking for (which happens more often than not) or b) I see something in them that wasn't quite what i was looking for.

    I hate to say this because it's been said to me more times than i can count. But, don't rush it. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. The only thing more frustrating than me telling you he's out there, is the feeling you're going to feel when you read it.. you'll prolly feel something on the lines of "Well why the hell is he taking his sweet fucking time trying to find me". If i had that answer i wouldn't be single ;)



    Both are very good points!!!
  • Syphon

    Posts: 366

    Dec 24, 2010 6:24 AM GMT
    Nothing wrong with looking, I just don't think you'll find it if you are.

    It's just something that happens out of the blue. At least that's my experience.
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    Dec 24, 2010 6:29 AM GMT
    It's not wrong to look for love as long as you look for love in all the wrong places. icon_wink.gif
  • chilango

    Posts: 9

    Dec 24, 2010 7:44 AM GMT

    I don't see why it would be wrong.
    I hope to experience love again
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    Dec 24, 2010 9:18 AM GMT
    turbobilly said
    david14 saidThis will sound very Buddha-Buddy but: I travel a lot. In Africa I realized you don't go to Africa...Africa comes to you. You relax and suddenly it opens up to you

    Love is the same, Go looking and it shuts down. Be open and it comes to you...reveals itself.

    Trust me on this.


    True!!!


    In my experience, I will have to agree... its pretty much what I said in another thread, comparing it to surfing...

    When oyu go surfing, if you wanna catch a wave, you cant go and chase a wave, you have to be in the right spot where the waves come to you.. and o yeah, its scary, dont be chicken.. and to ride the wave out all the wave, COMMIT TO IT!!! COMMIT TO IT!!!
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    Dec 24, 2010 9:42 AM GMT
    If I have learned anything from life it's that you can't wait for something to come... You have to go out and find it.

    -Me and my non-existent love life
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    Dec 24, 2010 9:47 AM GMT
    It is wrong and shameful and undermines everything that gay men stand for: promiscuity.

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    Dec 24, 2010 9:51 AM GMT
    BlakeJ saidIt is wrong and shameful and undermines everything that gay men stand for: promiscuity.



    hahahah +1
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    Dec 24, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    S`s Tip of the day:

    NEVER make it obvious you are looking for love. I have had messages from people that make them sound like they would be SO honoured to go on a date with me... but I must say, its a turn off. Its one thing for a meeting to evolve naturally into something deep, you know, by developing feelings and building trust. But if you meet as "boyfriends"... you kind of just end up studying/interrogating the person and deciding on the spot if they are good for you.... and before you know it you arent being completely natural with them.

    So, in other words, its fine to secretly look for love, but dont advertise it, dont make your headline "Needs a boyfriend" or anything like that. And if you can help it... try not to go to bed at night thinking about somebody over and over... I have done that without realised i was developing feelings for somebody just because i longed to spoon them at night!!! hahaha!!

    distract yourself with a wank!
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    Dec 09, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    AverageAndrew saidI have meet some great guys in my life. But I want that someone to be there for me. I want that feeling of love, not lust. Is that wrong.

    More of the question, are there others, that feel the same way?


    I agree with Mybud and Samm77 pretty much. Looking for it is frustrating.

    Love is VERY necessary for me in a connection with another man.

    What I have found it to be a more productive quest in real life, and NOT online. The modern world drives people to compulsive level of interaction with instant-on online connections. Single guys flicker like moths around a light at night, and are here then gone for the distraction of the next person to connect too. Online trades quantity for quality, big time, and erodes the very connection that one typically is looking for.

    So in my view, it is wrong to look for it online, but right in the whole. I focus on it in real-time, with people that are present and willing, involved and engageable, for common activities, interests, and perspectives, as I live my life, for this is what is all about in the first place.

    Thankfully I live in a big city with lots of out people and activities, so this is an easy perspective. But in the end, it is frustrating, this wanting an emotional connection, as many gay men have an insulation layer either from prior life experiences or from current ones from their gay life and times. The rest, well... they have already found it. That is how it seems at times.

    My thoughts when I feel a connection happening are:
    1) Is this guy attractive, either physically or mentally ?
    2) Does he have any unresolvable problematic issues under the surface?
    3) Is he working at or does he care about being a better person in any ways?
    4) Does he have any history of relationships or skills for same, communication, honesty, expressive, emotionally available?
    5) Are his values in line with mine? What are they? How can I tell?
    6) Do we have anything in common that brings us together in the first place? This is really the first basis for connection actually, but if that is not happening then it nothing will.

    If the things above exist, then there is a good chance that an emotional feeling and connection can develop into love.

    This I know. Love has always happened to me in at the least expected moment, usually when I am sharing something I love to do and doing it with someone that has the same passion. I can't seek it out for the mere act of trying to observe it will make it disappear. I have to just be in the moment, be centered happy and grounded, and then sometimes it will present, all on its own. Looking for it is a waste of time and a disservice to myself and to others. It is not something that you can find, it is something that just happens, something that you get, when you are lucky and the universe is shining on you, usually because you deserve it and something in a cosmic sense recognizes this and wants it for you. That is what I think.

    Probably long, lame, and hokey to most, but that's my skinny on it.
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    Dec 09, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    I mean......no

    But it is definitely harder to want intimacy than it is to want sex because one is so much easier to get than the other.

    I definitely see guys and wonder what it would be like to just be with them. But a lot of guys just want to screw out of both pants legs and then magically have a fulfilled long term relationship and healthy circle of friends when they hit their late thirties. But they already cashed their chips in.

    I would say, work on you. I feel very similar to you but we cant control other people, only ourselves. Right now, I am in love with myself, and I would suggest that you be too. That means always seeking to be a smart more connected more complete version of your ideal self (as defined by you.)

    I also try to limit my exposure to a casual lifestyle because I think it can restructure your perspective on love, sex and all that stuff. One big mistake is to become the type of person who is so disconnected from yourself or other people that you can't even sustain a relationship with another person because a lot of things about the life a lot of gay men lead wont develop those skills.

    It's all just a trade off, and the only way to win is to make sure you are the shit. So focus on you because it's the best way to attract the person who is going to want to be with you long term.