BF doesn't believe/celebrate cmas...deal breaker?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    Long story short......

    We've been together 6 yrs. 5 of those years hes come to my house (he lives 2 hrs away) to be with the family even though he was raised jehovah witness & feels uncomfortable celebrating cmas.

    This year he has just told me hes not coming because of this. Im pretty upset only because my family loves him & I just want us all to be together as a family.

    Even though we have our problems hes a good man & is very loving & supportive. Should I respect his feelings on this & not be so upset? Am I being selfish & a prick?
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    Of course my dear, and why shouldn't you? love conquers all!! don't give it a second thought and call him first thing tomorrow morning just to tell him you love him. Love my dear redbull is and should be the only belief system between two people who care and love each other, and from the way you express yourself of him and I am sure he of you, you have nothing to worry about! Merry Christmas to you and yours!!

    Y QUE VIVA EL AMOR!!!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    thats a stupid thing to do, sure, he doesn't believe in christmas but for you is it so much christmas that your celebrating or is it having the ones you love most around you, spending time with them and enjoying the company of your loved ones.

    just because he is in the room with others who celebrate christmas does not mean he is celebrating christmas, he's celebrating togetherness more then anything else.

    Tell the arsehole to get in the car and come spend time with family who love him!
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:59 AM GMT
    The idea that Christmas is supposed to unify people, regardless of their personal beliefs, is such a fallacy. While it might disappoint you, you need to appreciate his honesty and respect his feelings. Let it go for this year. Accept the fact that he doesn't feel comfortable celebrating it because of his upbringing, just as you feel comfortable celebrating because of YOUR upbringing. Suggest arranging to meet for a movie on Xmas night, or spend Boxing Day (Dec 26) with him.

    If this is still an issue for you, I'd suggest talking about it maybe in June, when the holidays are not an issue or a recent memory. Perhaps you can reach a compromise for Xmas 2011, or otherwise learn to accept each other's feelings about the holiday season.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2010 6:12 AM GMT
    according to what I heard is that jehovah witness's can't even celebrate mother's day or birthday's or anything, they can't even receive presents so it makes sense that he isn't comfortable being in a home celebrating Christmas you know.
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    Dec 24, 2010 12:29 PM GMT
    What does that mean, deal breaker? Does that mean that you are considering ending a 5-6 year relationship because your partner doesn't feel comfortable around a Christmas celebration?

    In the mixed families that I know (and I know many) there is usually some kind of accommodation. The classic New York Hanukkah bush is a wonderful example.

    I just wonder, if your family really loves him and they're committed to being together, isn't this a prime opportunity to demonstrate that love? Is it impossible to imagine just putting the commercial crap away for one dinner and being together because of love and not because Kohls decrees it to be thus?

    Maybe your mom should call, tell him it won't be any fun without him, and offer to find a way to make it comfortable for him. If someone is willing to compromise then usually the other party (your partner) will realize that they can compromise too. (In fact, it looks like he has compromised 5 out of 6 years, so his track record is great.)

    redbull saidLong story short......

    We've been together 6 yrs. 5 of those years hes come to my house (he lives 2 hrs away) to be with the family even though he was raised jehovah witness & feels uncomfortable celebrating cmas.

    This year he has just told me hes not coming because of this. Im pretty upset only because my family loves him & I just want us all to be together as a family.

    Even though we have our problems hes a good man & is very loving & supportive. Should I respect his feelings on this & not be so upset? Am I being selfish & a prick?
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    Dec 24, 2010 1:19 PM GMT
    I don't think this should be a deal breaker. If I were dating a jewish guy, for instance, he is likely to want to go to the movies and eat Chinese food at Christmas, which is no different than YOU wanting to celebrate Kwanza, for that matter. Does anyone celebrate Kwanza?

    Mormons, LDS, etc. don't celebrate this holiday, case closed. On the other hand, forcing someone to celebrate a holiday, especially when it is strictly prohibited, perhaps should be their own deal breaker. I won't even get into being a jehovah's witness and being gay, that is another post altogether.

    You seem like a nice guy, so I am going to just [ever so gently] suggest that you "Get Over It" -Christmas a'int for everybody. If you want to be together, choose another day, without all the trappings and bullshit.

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    Dec 24, 2010 1:25 PM GMT
    I (sort of) Know what you're going through... I've been with my bf for two years. Before him i had the greatest passion ever. However because he despises Christmas so much he's kinda got it into me... He hates it. I tried putting up a Christmas tree and he went mental, completely mental... He didn't care about my traidtions or anything i cared about. He just hated that I brought something into his house he was brought up to hate. He has no religous ties. But he thinks Christmas is all a scam and so forth... I tried explaining its being together with family and so forth... But he doesn't understand.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Dec 24, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    Talk to the guy. If he's done 5 of the last 6, maybe you can set up an agreement with him like many people do their families. One xmas on with your family, and one xmas off where he doesn't come. If he isn't comfortable, he isn't comfortable. He's not trying to stop *you* from doing it, is he?

    Talk to him, see if you can alternate or work out some other half-way compromise. There's no reason to go all or nothing.
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:03 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidthats a stupid thing to do, sure, he doesn't believe in christmas but for you is it so much christmas that your celebrating or is it having the ones you love most around you, spending time with them and enjoying the company of your loved ones.

    just because he is in the room with others who celebrate christmas does not mean he is celebrating christmas, he's celebrating togetherness more then anything else.

    Tell the arsehole to get in the car and come spend time with family who love him!

    Some good observations here, and I was thinking of the Jewish example others have used, myself. Because all of our Jewish friends decorate at Christmas time, though with Jewish motifs and generic ornaments, and go to the holiday parties with the rest of our circle. And they hold their own parties, too. I see it as much a seasonal socializing issue as anything. In fact, we're going to a Christmas Day private dinner tomorrow, and one of the guests there will be Jewish.

    So I'm not sure about this, and I suppose maybe if the OP's family is heavy into the religious side of Christmas then it could be a problem for the BF who holds different beliefs. At the same time, the invite is also to visit the family, I presume not to participate in a religious ceremony, a private home and not a church, and if it were me I'd go there. I'd overlook the manger or other religious icons, if that's the issue, and concentrate on the family gathering aspect of it.

    I agree redbull needs to discuss this calmly with his BF, and find out what the specific objections are. Maybe they can be accommodated, especially if redbull controls some of the agenda at this gathering. If they can't, and they sound sincere, then I'd let this pass for now. Don't throw the BF out with the bathwater -- yet. But also watch to ensure this isn't the tip of an iceberg of discontent about other more substantial things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:05 PM GMT
    Should not be a deal breaker. Respect the differences in your relationship. It is simply one day out of 365. That's 364 other opportunities to show love and togetherness. Should not need Christmas day to do that.
  • mdhrdtop

    Posts: 26

    Dec 24, 2010 2:15 PM GMT
    If that's the only issue in your relationship, consider yourself lucky. There are some many other things that could be problems, real problems. It's just one day out of the year. Respect him and he'll respect you. I expect that there's something that you don't like to do that he does (hmmm, let me think!!!) and could be a deal breaker for him.

    I'm not really big on the holidays. My ex-boyfriend was really over the top with it, and I mean over the top. During the holidays it looked like Christmas threw up all over the house, everwhere one looked!!! I was overwhelmed and it made me uncomfortable. He's my ex now, but, the Christmas and the holidays weren't the deal breaker for us.
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    It's unfortunate you will be unhappy, but maybe he could join later in the evening after the celebratory feel of the day is over? An hour or so before everyone leaves he could join, make an appearance and then the two of you spend time together? Or you go to his place for the night and treat the evening like any other Saturday night. I can't imagine his belief system means he has to be in isolation during Christmas.
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    If spending time with your family means listening to some religious drivel or stepping foot into a church, then he is absolutely right. icon_exclaim.gif

    So go spend time with your family if you want to and enjoy.
    He's made his decision and knows the outcome. If you want to go, then go. icon_cool.gif

    I don't celebrate xmas in the religious sense. It's just a great time to get together with friends and family you haven't seen in a while. It's easy to do it now because most everyone is on holiday. None of my friends/relatives are religious at all. So no worries of any religious/"spiritual" corruption ruining the get together. icon_wink.gif

    Cheers,
    Keith
    icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    Deal Breaker! icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Dec 24, 2010 2:43 PM GMT
    I can understand the bf's beliefs. I'm not Jehovah's Witness, but I am a conservative Christian that believes Christmas should not be celebrated.... for other religious reasons.

    Don't push your bf. Respect his beliefs. Allow him to do what he feels is right and you do what you need to do on this one day of the year.

    Why did he wait until the 6th year to decide not to participate? Maybe he felt that for the last 5 years, he was doing something to make you happy. Doing it for you... Maybe he just can't do it any longer. Please respect this and thank him for putting aside his beliefs for the last 5 years.

    Why can't you spend Christmas Eve with your family and then spend Christmas Day at home with the bf or go out to a nice restaurant for a meal and spend the time together without the holiday festivities.

    I was always taught that when a person takes another as a partner (spouse), that person becomes their first priority and their new family. I think your priority is your bf, not your parents and siblings. It may not be an easy thing to do.

    You have two options. Respect his beliefs as he respects yours and be apart on this one day of the year. Option two is to set him as your priority and spend the day with him. He probably feels that your family is more important to you than he is but, he may never admit that to you, knowing how important your holiday is with your family.

    Good luck. It's not an easy thing to do. Put selfishness aside and realize that your bf is going nowhere if he has been with you for 5 or 6 years.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 24, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    what rule in the gay handbook sez that two guys have to agree on everything?

    my long term bf is not nearly as "into" Christmas as i am. disappointing, but not worth kicking him to the curb over. i am not "defined" by having him next to me 24/7, nor is he by me.

    as his RN his job is can be a 24/7 one; he volunteers to work Christmas day to give others the day off. i respect him for doing so.

    we'll get together today/tonight and celebrate the holiday in our own unique and soufull way. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2010 3:27 PM GMT
    ...so why now after 5 years?

    curious -Doug
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    Dec 24, 2010 3:32 PM GMT
    redbull saidLong story short......

    We've been together 6 yrs. 5 of those years hes come to my house (he lives 2 hrs away) to be with the family even though he was raised jehovah witness & feels uncomfortable celebrating cmas.

    This year he has just told me hes not coming because of this. Im pretty upset only because my family loves him & I just want us all to be together as a family.

    Even though we have our problems hes a good man & is very loving & supportive. Should I respect his feelings on this & not be so upset? Am I being selfish & a prick?


    You are allowed to be upset. He will not be there sharing something that you find important.

    Deal breaker or not? Depends on your compromising tolerance level and how important this event is to you. If not quite a deal breaker - it would be very close for me.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Dec 24, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    redbull saidLong story short......

    We've been together 6 yrs. 5 of those years hes come to my house (he lives 2 hrs away) to be with the family even though he was raised jehovah witness & feels uncomfortable celebrating cmas.

    This year he has just told me hes not coming because of this. Im pretty upset only because my family loves him & I just want us all to be together as a family.

    Even though we have our problems hes a good man & is very loving & supportive. Should I respect his feelings on this & not be so upset? Am I being selfish & a prick?



    Redbull, I do think you're being a tad selfish. As you said, 5 out of the 6 years he has bitten the bullet and gone to your family's place to celebrate a holiday he is uncomfortable celebrating. Don't you think he has more than earned the right to celebrate (or not celebrate) this year how HE feels comfortable?
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Dec 24, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    What a Deck!
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 24, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said
    redbull saidLong story short......

    We've been together 6 yrs. 5 of those years hes come to my house (he lives 2 hrs away) to be with the family even though he was raised jehovah witness & feels uncomfortable celebrating cmas.

    This year he has just told me hes not coming because of this. Im pretty upset only because my family loves him & I just want us all to be together as a family.

    Even though we have our problems hes a good man & is very loving & supportive. Should I respect his feelings on this & not be so upset? Am I being selfish & a prick?



    Redbull, I do think you're being a tad selfish. As you said, 5 out of the 6 years he has bitten the bullet and gone to your family's place to celebrate a holiday he is uncomfortable celebrating. Don't you think he has more than earned the right to celebrate (or not celebrate) this year how HE feels comfortable?


    i agree with CJAZ here....life IS a compromise. let him go his own way.

    perhaps next year he will feel guilty enough to resume the family holiday gathering routine.

    one day out of 365 is NOT worth squabbling over already!!!!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 24, 2010 4:29 PM GMT
    You're letting your idea of family time overtake his. While it seems Christmas is a time for your family to unite and express its love for each other, you're ignoring the holiday means something very different to him, and it doesn't have the same meaning of expression. By being upset over this, you're basically laying a guilt trip on him and saying it's wrong for him to believe something different than you. After six years together, do you really think he wants to hurt you in that way? Actually, I find it remarkable on his part that he put up with it for half a decade. If after all these years he is still struggling, it just goes to show how uncomfortable it really is for him. If you love the guy, you'd see he tried and decided he can't do this anymore; it's your turn to compromise and accept this is what he practices, and you don't get to dictate how a holiday is spent on his part. He's completely in the right on this one, and though that doesn't mean you can't feel sad about him not bing there with you, it would make you an asshole if you couldn't respect his decision like an adult and move past this.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 24, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    It is kinda weird that just because he comes over to observe you and your family celebrate Christmas that he feels wrong about it.

    I studied the Bible with a few JW's and they do not celebrate Cmas of course, but then again they would not turn down a chance to be with family and friends that just so happens to believe differently.
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    Dec 24, 2010 4:54 PM GMT
    His behaviour seems a little self indulgent. Why can he not simply see it as a family get-together and discount the religious and symbolic clap trap? Then again, he is a member of a very dogmatic religion and I suspect your seasonal rift is just the tip of the iceberg. If you cannot reconcile your relationship with his religious ideology , perhaps it is time to move on.