Being friends with your friend's ex-boyfriend

  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Dec 24, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    So guys, I've been in this situation twice and I really don't know what the big gay book of social etiquette says it's right to do.

    I've become really good friends with 2 of my friends' ex-boyfriends who I met through them. After they broke up, I remained friends with the ex-boyfriends and in fact, I like them better. lol

    Is this right to do? Or should I be a loyal friend and forget the boyfriends when my original friends break up with them?

    What happened was, things got weird with my original friends and we're not so close anymore. And yes, they expect me not to talk to the ex-bf's after they break up.

    I'm not breaking up with anyone, why should I take the heat.. What do you think?
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    Dec 24, 2010 1:19 PM GMT
    Ah yes - "who gets the friends?"

    You no longer have an intimate relationship with your ex-boyfriend - they might be a bit hurt at their friends continuing to hang with you,but that is between the frends and YOU -- your ex has no ownership of his friends. If His frioends choose to hang with you - they have that privilege. If it costs them THEIR friendship with your ex, then they are making that choice - which is their privilege.

    Enjoy their friendship - and the ex just has to deal with it,

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    Dec 24, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    Hey UC, I think these guys are the ex bfs of two of the OP's friends. They're not his ex's buddies.

    Here: "I've become really good friends with 2 of my friends' ex-boyfriends"


    icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
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    Dec 24, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    meninlove said Hey UC, I think these guys are the ex bfs of two of the OP's friends. They're not his ex's buddies.

    Here: "I've become really good friends with 2 of my friends' ex-boyfriends"


    icon_wink.gif


    -Doug


    Same principle applies. what their exes do is none of the friends' business. Sounds pretty childish if the friends get bent out of shape over who their exes are friendly with.





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    Dec 24, 2010 6:31 PM GMT
    UpperCanadian said
    meninlove said Hey UC, I think these guys are the ex bfs of two of the OP's friends. They're not his ex's buddies.

    Here: "I've become really good friends with 2 of my friends' ex-boyfriends"


    icon_wink.gif


    -Doug


    Same principle applies. what their exes do is none of the friends' business. Sounds pretty childish if the friends get bent out of shape over who their exes are friendly with.







    Very true...say, do you think the OP's friends are paranoid he'll tell their exes what the friends are up to? icon_eek.gif
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    Dec 24, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    For the most part I don't know why you can't be friends with your friends' exes.
    The big exceptions would be if the exes happened to betray your friends. If they're willing to cheat/steal from/betray in some other way people that they are in a romantic relationship, then I'd really think twice about why you would want someone like that as a friend.
    If it's not the case, then you should feel free to be friends with the exes. Your friends might not like it and they might feel that you're betraying them, but that's their immaturity.
    If your friends and their exes can't be around each other any more, then just make sure to plan to do separate things with each group. You don't need to create more friction.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 24, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    If your a loyal friend you do not talk to ex's. It's the rules. If you were my friend and I knew you were doing that we would no longer speak.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 24, 2010 11:41 PM GMT
    UpperCanadian said
    meninlove said Hey UC, I think these guys are the ex bfs of two of the OP's friends. They're not his ex's buddies.

    Here: "I've become really good friends with 2 of my friends' ex-boyfriends"


    icon_wink.gif


    -Doug


    Same principle applies. what their exes do is none of the friends' business. Sounds pretty childish if the friends get bent out of shape over who their exes are friendly with.









    What are you smoking? There is no way you would be okay with your best friend being friends with your ex-boyfriend. It doesn't work that way.
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    Dec 24, 2010 11:42 PM GMT
    TristanLane saidIf your a loyal friend you do not talk to ex's. It's the rules. If you were my friend and I knew you were doing that we would no longer speak.
    Hmmm...sounds a bit controlling. That would make the decision easy. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Dec 24, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    TristanLane saidIf your a loyal friend you do not talk to ex's. It's the rules. If you were my friend and I knew you were doing that we would no longer speak.


    And if that happened, I would say you were a queeny bitch who I shouldn't have been friends with in the first place. Just sayin' icon_rolleyes.gif
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 24, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    No offense to the guys who posted before me but you all are in a mature stage of your life. If you experience a break up it most likely won't be the same type of break up compared to someone my age; unless your the Jersey Shore type.

    Put yourself in his friends shoes and think about it.

    I've been in situations before where someone really did awful things to me and my best friend at the time started hanging out with them. At first I didn't mind but they would hang out more and more. I couldn't understand how my "friend" would want to hang out with them after all the fucked up shit I told them about. I realized as long as I surrounded myself with this supposed "friend" my situation would never get better and I would be miserable. I dropped them and a few days later I found out they were inseparable, partying together and hanging out all over town.


    If you really care about your best friend then when they hurt you hurt as well. You wouldn't have to question your loyalty because you would already know the answer and wouldn't have to make a thread about this. You stated that you like the ex better than your best friend so just be honest and tell him how you really feel.
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Dec 24, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    This is confusing.

    I'd like to hear more opinions.

    I really don't think I should stop speaking to guys because they've been in a relationship with my friends. I still like them. In fact, I like everybody involved, just don't put me through the drama cause I have nothing to do with it.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 24, 2010 11:54 PM GMT
    Karnage said
    TristanLane saidIf your a loyal friend you do not talk to ex's. It's the rules. If you were my friend and I knew you were doing that we would no longer speak.


    And if that happened, I would say you were a queeny bitch who I shouldn't have been friends with in the first place. Just sayin' icon_rolleyes.gif


    Honestly it depends on the situation. If it was a relationship that just grew old without any hard feelings then I wouldn't really care. I would only really care if it was a really bad relationship.

    Situations like this can be really sticky. If your best friend hangs out with your ex all the time it's like you're still in the relationship. You won't be able to avoid it.

    But yes that is my opinion. I would never do that to a friend and I'm a firm believer in loyalty and once you're their ex, I don't know you.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 24, 2010 11:57 PM GMT
    Leo123 saidThis is confusing.

    I'd like to hear more opinions.

    I really don't think I should stop speaking to guys because they've been in a relationship with my friends. I still like them. In fact, I like everybody involved, just don't put me through the drama cause I have nothing to do with it.



    I understand your point but it doesn't work that way boo boo. There will always be drama if your in a situation like that and you will always end up involved somehow.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 24, 2010 11:58 PM GMT
    Leo123 saidThis is confusing.

    I'd like to hear more opinions.

    I really don't think I should stop speaking to guys because they've been in a relationship with my friends. I still like them. In fact, I like everybody involved, just don't put me through the drama cause I have nothing to do with it.



    Well then you just answered your own question. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Dec 25, 2010 1:17 AM GMT
    This whole conversation reminded me once again about one of my complaints I had with my own ex. He barely let me interact with his friends. I suspect the very reason he did this was so that if/when we broke up, I would have no ties to any of his friends.

    Even when I tried to get him to meet my friends, he did one time but always came up with excuses later on why he couldn't hang out.
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    Dec 25, 2010 2:13 AM GMT
    I think it really depends on how the relationships between your friends and their exes were. Friends are supposed to show a certain degree of loyalty to each other and so if your friend's ex was bad to your friend (cheated, stole money, manipulative, etc) then the right thing to do would be to stick by your friend's side and the both of you should cut ties with his ex. I mean, I know if an ex of mine treated me badly I would want my friends around for emotional support, which they can't really do if they're still buddy buddy with the guy who fucked me over.

    On the other hand, barring any serious problems (like cheating, etc), I think it's perfectly reasonable to remain friends with your friends' exes. Plenty of times relationships just grow old and end for whatever reason, and there really isn't a bad guy to blame. If that's the case here then I feel like there's really no reason why you shouldn't be friends with this guy.


    The only situation that I'm not really sure about is when your original friend is the one who treats the other partner (who you became friends with through the original friend) badly. In this case, depending on how close I wound up getting to the other person, I may either continue talking to just one, the other, or both.


    So yeah, in the end it is very context specific who you should continue speaking with.
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    Dec 25, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    I tried to stay friends with my ex's friends, one I loved a lot (not that way icon_razz.gif ) Anywho my ex was a bitch about it so I sacrificed them since he needed them more plus he made their lives hell. So I learned my lesson, but in most cases if your ex is mature enough to allow his friends to have their way then I recommend trying to be friends with them
  • scubaguy1981

    Posts: 69

    Dec 25, 2010 5:02 AM GMT
    My best friend ended a three year relationship about a year ago and I've stayed great friends with his ex. She says that I'm the best thing to have come out of that relationship, lol. Staying her friend was hard on me since I didn't want to feel like I was a traitor. But in the end it really came down to the fact that we are all adults and we all (in our own way) care about each other and want what's best. So I maintain both friendships. They don't talk at all anymore but will ask about the other. I like the place that we're in (minus the fact that they are in Washington and I'm on Guam, lol). Not sure that this gives you any help, but just remember that it can work.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Dec 29, 2010 12:52 AM GMT
    I understand where you all are coming from but personally I would never do that. I'm too loyal of a friend. If they broke up with someone I would not talk to their ex. Of course if I ran into them I would say hello, but nothing more than that. And I would expect my good friends to do the same. If not, then we're done.
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    Dec 29, 2010 1:05 AM GMT
    Just to make things even more complex, what about being friends with your ex's ex? How do you guys feel about that?
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    Dec 29, 2010 1:13 AM GMT
    TristanLane saidI understand where you all are coming from but personally I would never do that. I'm too loyal of a friend. If they broke up with someone I would not talk to their ex. Of course if I ran into them I would say hello, but nothing more than that. And I would expect my good friends to do the same. If not, then we're done.


    If you became friend with your best friend boyfriend, then your best friend cheat on him and they split up, what would you do ?

    You really think it would be loyal to stop friendship with a nice guy who did nothing wrong but to abused by your best friend ?

    Those situations are always awkward. I am also one of those 'mature' guy, so I see longer time scale. not the same when the love affair lasted a few weeks, and when you have been friend to your best friend and his partner for years.

    It's not unlike parent divorcing, and one of them asking kid to choose between mom and dad. I don't consider that loyal.
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    Dec 29, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    Karnage said
    TristanLane saidIf your a loyal friend you do not talk to ex's. It's the rules. If you were my friend and I knew you were doing that we would no longer speak.


    And if that happened, I would say you were a queeny bitch who I shouldn't have been friends with in the first place. Just sayin' icon_rolleyes.gif


    second.
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    Dec 29, 2010 1:23 AM GMT
    If you want to remain friends with your best friend's ex, no big deal. If your best friend can't accept that, he is IMMATURE and needs to grow up.
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    Dec 29, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    TristanLane saidNo offense to the guys who posted before me but you all are in a mature stage of your life. If you experience a break up it most likely won't be the same type of break up compared to someone my age; unless your the Jersey Shore type.

    Put yourself in his friends shoes and think about it.

    I've been in situations before where someone really did awful things to me and my best friend at the time started hanging out with them. At first I didn't mind but they would hang out more and more. I couldn't understand how my "friend" would want to hang out with them after all the fucked up shit I told them about. I realized as long as I surrounded myself with this supposed "friend" my situation would never get better and I would be miserable. I dropped them and a few days later I found out they were inseparable, partying together and hanging out all over town.


    If you really care about your best friend then when they hurt you hurt as well. You wouldn't have to question your loyalty because you would already know the answer and wouldn't have to make a thread about this. You stated that you like the ex better than your best friend so just be honest and tell him how you really feel.

    Ok, all this friend, best friend, boy friend thing is confusing.

    You: 1
    Ex: 2
    Friend in the middle: 3

    Did 3 do anything that hurt you, or was it the mere fact that 2 & 3 were hanging out that upsets you? You can't want your 3 to be friends with 2, break up, and then expect 3 to shun 2 completely. THAT is delusional, no matter what caused the break up. You're basically giving an ultimatum to someone that doesn't deserve one. If anyone is in the wrong, it's 1. If 3 isn't around as much, that's their call, not 1's. Either 2 is a better friend to them, or 3 doesn't see something 2 does, and choses the evil side, in which case 1 doesn't need 3.

    And you're right, maybe the age of the relationship comes into play, but that only digs your hole a little deeper, as younger guys tend to be more immature about this sort of stuff. If it's a bad break, there should be more communication with 3, but if it's a clean break, there shouldn't be a problem.