It's like coming out all over again...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2008 8:31 PM GMT
    So, my boyfriend is staying the weekend. My dad will meet him for the first time. Which will spell awkward, my dad doesn't wanna know anything. He said don't do anything in front of me. Obviously we wouldn't but it already creates a sense of uncomfortability. I want this to happen smoothly and I want my dad to feel comfy, any tips?

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    Mar 21, 2008 8:55 PM GMT
    Your dad just needs some time I think. I never kissed my partner in front of my Dad. Mainly because he came from a generation where affection between straights in public was not that common, let alone gays.

    If your Dad and your bf hit it off (and they probably will) then that will go along ways to lessening your anxiety. Good luck.
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    Mar 21, 2008 9:03 PM GMT
    Just be cool and relax. Make sure you engage him as much as possible with all conversation and don't change your persona around him, be the guy that your Dad knows.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Mar 21, 2008 9:06 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidJust be cool and relax. Make sure you engage him as much as possible with all conversation and don't change your persona around him, be the guy that your Dad knows.


    Yes that's the very best advice! I remember meeting my ex's Dad... He sat across the table at lunch with his arms folded and hardly said a word. He mostly just glowered at me. Fun!

    In the end, over the years we became very close but that first meeting...oy!
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    Mar 21, 2008 9:19 PM GMT
    One thing I was told is that it'll take your parents as long or longer to accept who you are as it took you to accept who you are. So, you have to give them time. Just because you were able to accept that you're gay, doesn't mean they'll automatically be able to accept it. It takes time and exposure.
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    Mar 21, 2008 9:20 PM GMT
    I think it's a great step that your Dad is coming and willing to meet the boyfriend. Obviously you want to make it comfortable - but that goes for both of them. I don't think it's fair to ask your boyfriend to 'act str8' just so Dad doesn't have an 'uurgh' moment.

    Of course when he says 'don't do anything' it's a little vague as to what the 'anything' is he's imagining. Does he fear he might see his son and bf doing Madonna impressions, dressing him up as Mae West, working each other over in the sling while he's trying to watch football? Whatever it is it's probably much worse than what will happen. You're clearly a sensitive guy and know how to make him feel welcome.

    Or is he asking you to not show any affection towards each other? This I would not agree to - he has to get used to it sooner or later - and if what you're expressing is love for each other as opposed to wanton lust then that is a beautiful 'thing'. Dear ole Dad will have to suck it up.

    I'm also hopeful that when he meets the bf and sees him as a real human being as opposed to the homosexual menace who's corn-holing his baby boy, that he'll calm down.

    Whatever happens, I'm holding thumbs for you and we definitely all want a report back!
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 21, 2008 9:22 PM GMT
    Hippie,

    It will go fine. Try not to worry. Just be yourself.

    My dad is the same. I remember one day seen my partner and my dad hugging. My partner hugs almost everyone (it's in his culture) so I didn't take much notices, other than to think he was brave to do that, but then he told me, it was my dad that hugged him icon_eek.gif

    That did shock me. I'm sure your dad will be the same.

    Mike
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Mar 21, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    Just don't blow your BF in the first 20 mins

    ...give your Dad a little chance to settle in first
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    Mar 21, 2008 9:44 PM GMT
    You guys are all awesome thank you. I just have to be myself and he has to be himself and my dad will just like oh ok whatever.

    I wouldn't feel comfortable kissing, hugging or acting as any more than friends in front of my dad, I think that is good for him as well as us. This is a big step for him, I don't need to throw a pride parade for him. One step at a time.

    Thanks for all your help, and I will def give a report back. Now I must go pick up my boyfriend.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 21, 2008 9:47 PM GMT
    I agree with a lot of the advice above. Just relax. Yes it will be akward, but you have to project a sense of calm and confidence. Lead by example. The more comfortable you are, the more your father can see how right this is for you and the more he'll understand that this makes you happy. If he's a reasonable man, it might help him progress further down the road of acceptance. Good luck. It's a big step and celebrate the occasion as a milestone in and of itself. Some people don't even make it this far with their parents.
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Mar 21, 2008 10:03 PM GMT
    Wow what timing. My mother is coming here to Montana in June to visit me for the first time. She will meet my husband and his entire family, and I'm starting to freak out a little. My family is a universe away from my husbands as far as background and experience. My mom is uptight, quiet and not terribly warm or friendly. My husband's family, and my husband in particular, are very outgoing, talkative (read: loud), and quick to call bullshit on aloofness.

    Thank goodness it will only be for a few days...
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    Mar 21, 2008 10:06 PM GMT
    jarhead5536 saidWow what timing. My mother is coming here to Montana in June to visit me for the first time. She will meet my husband and his entire family, and I'm starting to freak out a little. My family is a universe away from my husbands as far as background and experience. My mom is uptight, quiet and not terribly warm or friendly. My husband's family, and my husband in particular, are very outgoing, talkative (read: loud), and quick to call bullshit on aloofness.

    Thank goodness it will only be for a few days...



    Sounds like you may need some help there!!! Good luck to you and yours!!!
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Mar 21, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    Best wishes to hippie and jarhead, I still freak when my mom comes by, which has been a lot more lately. After 3 years, my partner and I have finally started being a bit more affectionate (pecks on the lips and hugs) in front of his folks, they stop by to visit almost monthly. We still have a ways to go with my mom.

    I guess these things take time, depending on how comfortable we are with the parentals; even if they are trying to make an effort to understand and keep us as a part of their lives. I hope all goes well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2008 11:55 PM GMT
    I'll be serious for once...

    If your boyfriend has any common interests with your dad (you're the only one that can determine this), no matter how small, but especially if they are "regular guy" things like sports teams, power tools, cars, politics, whatever, just have the boyfriend and the dad bond over that thing. This will make him seem like just a regular guy to dad and it will help dad relate to him as a person and not as "The Boyfriend."

    Good luck!

    K
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 22, 2008 7:57 AM GMT
    iguanaSF saidMake him seem like just a regular guy to dad and it will help dad relate to him as a person and not as "The Boyfriend."

    Good luck!

    K


    I agree to this. But if your objective is for your dad to feel comfortable and remove the "don't tell, don't do" policy, you might need more than a weekend.

    All the best!

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    Mar 22, 2008 9:44 PM GMT
    Well the good news is my dad seemed okay and my boyfriend feels my dad likes him and he felt comfortable. My dad didn't talk to him much, but thats kinda my dad. They bonded over the fact that they eat chicken and I am a vegan. Hey, at least they had something in common!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 23, 2008 8:06 AM GMT
    Woot! Meat eater bonding! You are home free icon_smile.gif

    K
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 23, 2008 1:48 PM GMT
    hippie4lyfe saidWell the good news is my dad seemed okay and my boyfriend feels my dad likes him and he felt comfortable. My dad didn't talk to him much, but thats kinda my dad. They bonded over the fact that they eat chicken and I am a vegan. Hey, at least they had something in common!


    See, I told ya everything would be fine. Anyway, great news. Thanks for letting us know.

    Mike
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    Mar 23, 2008 4:02 PM GMT
    Bonding over poultry? Weird....but, hey, it's a start. There were no weapons fired, hysterical sobbing or a kidnapping by Christian 'deprogrammers'. So all in all it was a resounding success.

    Thanks for letting us know the outcome, Hippie. As others said, this is just the beginning. Well done to all of you for creating a firm foundation for further homo-acceptance and affirmations. icon_lol.gif