How can one tone down their feelings? or is it impossible?

  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 4:21 AM GMT
    It may sound like a stupid question, but I feel I may need to do this. Back story to this.

    I met this guy at a bar in Columbia and we talked about getting dinner the next night so we did. Solely dinner, just as friends, he was in town on a business trip. We hit it off big time. It was one of the best times I've had with someone. So we continued to hang out until he went back to Chicago and I went to St. Louis to visit family. I have fallen hardcore for him. And he fell for me too, but probably not as much as I for him. I've told him about my feelings, he's told me about his, but obviously the distance is not possible, and we discussed just being friends, and I am perfectly fine with that, I'm in no rush, but I have fallen so hard for him. We actually got to know each other a little bit before we kissed, and it just felt so right. We hadn't have sex either. After a couple days he slept at my place and we cuddled and kissed each other all night. It was just perfect.

    I'm trying to view it in a positive light by thinking that I have gotten to feel these happy feelings. I've gotten to experience this deep desire for someone. I can't stop thinking about him all the time.

    The other side is thinking that this isn't fair, this would happen, that I would meet this incredible guy who lives far away.

    So how can I tone down my feelings? It just this rips me apart inside in a good way and a bad way. During the day when I think of him my stomach feels all butterfly like and just amazing, but then at night I get sad and just feel just ripped apart and wish he could be here or I could be there.

    Anyone know how?
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 25, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    By making yourself realize that he shouldn't be the number one thing in your life. Anyone who puts another person first before everything else, including themselves, is heading for problems sooner or later.
  • oyoung

    Posts: 97

    Dec 25, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    wow~~~ someone fell in love! icon_cool.gif

    Cong! It is soooo hard to find someone perfect in your heart! R u sure about 'the distance is not possible'? If so, you have no choice, but keep him as a friend. But in my mind, although ur reason tell u it is impossible, ur passion makes u believe it. This is the hard part!
    I really thought u shoud discuss it with him~
    If two mature guys think it is impossible, you will realize it. But if you two want to work it out, I don't think it is impossible.

    One important thing is how well you know him~ People often get blind by love. They put all the best values on the one who might be not perfect.

    Good luck and Merry X'mas!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:00 AM GMT
    Actually, you're a junkie right now and you have to stay off the juice...or get your juice somewhere else.

    When you had that kiss that felt so wonder...and then that wonderful sex, your brain released the most wonderful, powerful pleasurE producing chemicals and you got instantly hooked. It evolved that way to keep a couple together long enough to reproduce. If there wasn't that great feeling, who would put up with the annoyance of another person.

    So right now you are craving another fix. He has the inside track at giving you your next rush, cuz he has given it to you before. You either have to find someone else to take his place, or realize you are going to have to just go cold turkey and live thru this detox.

    Romantic, isn't it?

    Oh btw, these chemicals are so powerful they literally override your ability to reason. A person in your condition actually loses the ability to think rationally. Don't sign any contracts. Just saying.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 5:04 AM GMT
    Well we didn't have sex though, caslon. I don't think it's one of those replaceable guys. I've tried talking to another guy to see if it was, and all I could think of was him the entire time. I just am nuts for this guy.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:06 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidWell we didn't have sex though, caslon. I don't think it's one of those replaceable guys. I've tried talking to another guy to see if it was, and all I could think of was him the entire time. I just am nuts for this guy.

    Yeah, well he obviously hit all the right buttons. See my addition to my last response. You are literally not going to be in your right mind for a while. Like that astronaut lady who drove to Fla in space diapers. You are right. You are nuts for this guy. Literally! ;-)

    I am not putting you down. Just explaining why you are feeling the way you do. You are absolutely right about your observations of your feelings. And there is a physiological basis for it. I dont know if it helps you deal with your dilemma or not.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 5:10 AM GMT
    I understand your point Caslon, and I am respectful of your response and appreciate it, but why is everything now reduced to just chemicals that were being set off, could it not be just that two souls connected on a level that was right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:16 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidI understand your point Caslon, and I am respectful of your response and appreciate it, but why is everything now reduced to just chemicals that were being set off, could it not be just that two souls connected on a level that was right?

    Like I said, it does rather kill the romance of the thing.

    But, yeah, if he is the one who pushes your buttons the best, then you are two souls connected on a level that is right. But that's just saying the same thing in more romantic terms.

    I was just explaining why you were feeling the way you were. Now you gotta decide what to do about about. Go to him to keep getting your juice, wait and find someone else...maybe, or go cold turkey and wait for this to pass and your brain to return to normal.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 5:16 AM GMT
    Thanks. I understand the physiological basis. I will say though I have had some looney thoughts. Just things not a normal person would think of doing. Nothing bad, but like just getting on the train and riding up there. I feel like I would do anything to just sit and talk with him. To see him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:21 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidThanks. I understand the physiological basis. I will say though I have had some looney thoughts. Just things not a normal person would think of doing. Nothing bad, but like just getting on the train and riding up there. I feel like I would do anything to just sit and talk with him. To see him.

    precisely. And that is exactly how one thinks in your condition. You actually entertain thoughts that would seem crazy to you otherwise. Go ahead and act on them if you want. But realize you are a bit off you nut right now and not really able to think rationally. What have you got to lose...the price of a train ticket. ... However, when you sober up, you might say to yourself "what was I thinking?" ... Ain't love grand!
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 5:24 AM GMT
    It is, but I wouldn't trade some of these feelings for the world.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:38 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidIt is, but I wouldn't trade some of these feelings for the world.


    Then why are you asking for help on how to tone those feelings down? If you do want to tone them down then you need to find a diversion that really excites you.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:42 AM GMT
    And to go further with this, there is actually a biological window of time in our lives when we are most suseptible to this physiological reaction. Past that window in our lives and love can still happen, but it is harder. I think that it's one of the reasons gays often don't form relationships. Because they dont come out til the time is past. You are lucky. You are living at a time in our society when you can feel free and secure enough to fall head over heels in love when you are biologically supposed to.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Dec 25, 2010 5:43 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidIt is, but I wouldn't trade some of these feelings for the world.



    Speaking from experience the feelings ARE wonderful. However, also speaking from experience, whenever you fall hard and fast the sudden stop upon landing back to earth can cause some feelings as devastating as they were wonderful. You seem like a good guy to know. All I say is be careful. It's never the fall from the heights that kills anyone...it's the sudden stop at the end. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:43 AM GMT
    Tbakes...
    There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Its awesome. I know. it happened to me, and I never expected it. So step back a bit...If you really want to make this work, it can work. my best buddy dated his GF from opposite coasts for a year before he decided to get married to her. But slow it down a bit. Let it evolve...if its the right thing, then the distance will just be one of many hurdles in any relationship worth having...
    rich
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:44 AM GMT
    Also if you both feel it is worth pursuing despite the distance why not have regular video chats?
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 5:47 AM GMT
    I'm not good at a long distance thing. Especially since I don't use a car. I wouldn't mind just being friends for some years and seeing where it would take off after that. And he doesn't have a cam on his laptop. I remember asking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:49 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidI'm not good at a long distance thing. Especially since I don't use a car. I wouldn't mind just being friends for some years and seeing where it would take off after that. And he doesn't have a cam on his laptop. I remember asking.

    Well, cams are cheap. It's a good indication of how he feels.

    I know if I were smitten, I would buy a damn cam. Hell, I bought a laptop with a cam for the other guy in my long distance relationship. It was great. We used to leave our cams on so we could just glimpse each other moving about during the day or laying quietly and watching TV.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Dec 25, 2010 5:51 AM GMT
    Yeah I guess I can talk to him about it and see his thoughts.
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    Dec 25, 2010 5:51 AM GMT
    you have to decide how important it is to pursue....At 20 years old, you have plenty of opportunity to change your usual way of doing things if the end result is important enuf...meet halfway by train on some weekends...
    Good luck bud. i can tell you that I am in a long distance thing right now. its tuff, but its worth it for us.
  • Syphon

    Posts: 366

    Dec 25, 2010 5:59 AM GMT
    I know exactly what you're feeling right now and I'm envious, but I also know exactly how you're going to feel when the distance catches up to you and reality hits... I honestly hope that it works out for you, because I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone. =/

    Fire me a pm if you want, I pretty well had the same situation back in 09.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 6:04 AM GMT
    Caslon17000 said
    tbakes18 saidI'm not good at a long distance thing. Especially since I don't use a car. I wouldn't mind just being friends for some years and seeing where it would take off after that. And he doesn't have a cam on his laptop. I remember asking.

    Well, cams are cheap. It's a good indication of how he feels.

    I know if I were smitten, I would buy a damn cam. Hell, I bought a laptop with a cam for the other guy in my long distance relationship. It was great. We used to leave our cams on so we could just glimpse each other moving about during the day or laying quietly and watching TV.



    You were once smitten? Who knew you were just a mushy old sod under all that crust icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 6:16 AM GMT
    Toning them down is just telling yourself to calm down... the feeligns dont go away, but they become manageable and wont run away with oyu that way.. dont stress
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 6:59 AM GMT
    I heard cutting works for some people. There are also tons of drugs out there that can help you forget. Just saying...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2010 7:11 AM GMT
    beneful1 said
    Caslon17000 said
    tbakes18 saidI'm not good at a long distance thing. Especially since I don't use a car. I wouldn't mind just being friends for some years and seeing where it would take off after that. And he doesn't have a cam on his laptop. I remember asking.

    Well, cams are cheap. It's a good indication of how he feels.

    I know if I were smitten, I would buy a damn cam. Hell, I bought a laptop with a cam for the other guy in my long distance relationship. It was great. We used to leave our cams on so we could just glimpse each other moving about during the day or laying quietly and watching TV.



    You were once smitten? Who knew you were just a mushy old sod under all that crust icon_wink.gif

    What crust?