coming to terms with my sexuality

  • dantheman88

    Posts: 140

    Dec 26, 2010 7:43 AM GMT
    Alright, so for some yrs now I have denied who I really am (gay). Even lying and sayin to myself that im just str8/curious or bi curious. Im about to turn 23 and im urgin to come out. Theres however many factors that hold me back: mom is extremely religious, my dad is extremely macho and i know he wouldnt accept me as gay, im dating a girl right now, all my close guy friends are typical masculine jocks that are all about girls and beer. Im very masculine, howver theres people with an excellent gaydar so some people have wondered if im bi or gay..so by coming out I dont want people to say "i knew it". Well my point is that im scared if i come out my family would disown me and i will become friendless...and even breakin my girls heart :/.....any advice,stories or encouraging words are very much appreciated
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    Dec 26, 2010 7:46 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidAlright, so for some yrs now I have denied who I really am (gay). Even lying and sayin to myself that im just str8/curious or bi curious. Im about to turn 23 and im urgin to come out. Theres however many factors that hold me back: mom is extremely religious, my dad is extremely macho and i know he wouldnt accept me as gay, im dating a girl right now, all my close guy friends are typical masculine jocks that are all about girls and beer. Im very masculine, howver theres people with an excellent gaydar so some people have wondered if im bi or gay..so by coming out I dont want people to say "i knew it". Well my point is that im scared if i come out my family would disown me and i will become friendless...and even breakin my girls heart :/.....any advice,stories or encouraging words are very much appreciated


    hhmm ..you just spoke my life tooicon_rolleyes.gif
  • dantheman88

    Posts: 140

    Dec 26, 2010 7:57 AM GMT
    well man it is a really tough situation, my parents r helpin me with school and i def need their financial help to keep going :/
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    Dec 26, 2010 8:09 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidwell man it is a really tough situation, my parents r helpin me with school and i def need their financial help to keep going :/


    First of all Hugs to you.

    I am guessing you are man of high Self esteem.

    I can imagine living in your situation. You have done it better passing through this phase. Just take a deep breath and live it until you become financially stable! Then life is all yours.

    If this makes you better; hugs again!
    venky
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    Dec 26, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    radicalguy saidAlright, so for some yrs now I have denied who I really am (gay). Even lying and sayin to myself that im just str8/curious or bi curious. Im about to turn 23 and im urgin to come out. Theres however many factors that hold me back: mom is extremely religious, my dad is extremely macho and i know he wouldnt accept me as gay, im dating a girl right now, all my close guy friends are typical masculine jocks that are all about girls and beer. Im very masculine, howver theres people with an excellent gaydar so some people have wondered if im bi or gay..so by coming out I dont want people to say "i knew it". Well my point is that im scared if i come out my family would disown me and i will become friendless...and even breakin my girls heart :/.....any advice,stories or encouraging words are very much appreciated


    Hey man, slightly similar situation. I always knew my family would be really supportive, so that is different. But my guy friends are also very masculine/sports/fraternity type guys. I've come out to most of my friends at this point (the ones I haven't are more because I want to tell them in person and they are in grad school, other city, etc). In my experience, literally not one has cared and not one relationship has suffered even a tiny bit. In fact, I honestly think some of them have gotten closer.

    As for my family, I know we are in a slightly different situation, but my family was not only fine with it but also happy for me. My brother (also a total jock/fraternity type of guy) told me he's never been happier or prouder for me because he knew I used to be upset and depressed about things, he just didn't know what.

    For me, I was actually very surprised, I thought somebody would have pieced together that I was gay (your excellent gaydar). In fact, I thought some had. It turns out not one person I told (including my mother and brother, with whom I am beyond close with) had ever considered it. But even if they had, so what, they figured out that you are gay...you ARE gay. You shouldn't feel upset that they may have pieced together something that you actually are. Also, I think we (as closeted and formerly closeted gay guys) are so hyperaware of things we do that might come off as "gay" that we think everybody else has pieced it together. Some cases, yes, but in many cases no.

    Hope that helps! My life has improved tremendously over the past few months (also came out when 23) and I feel so free, liberated and peaceful.
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    Dec 26, 2010 7:29 PM GMT
    First and foremost, it doesn't sound like you have fully dealt with who you are internally. Have you taken a huge leap? Yes, have you hit the mark? dunno, sounds like you need a little more introspection.

    Coming to a self realization is something like building a house....it doesn't happen over night, plans are changed throughout the drawing and building stages to suit your specific needs, and the final product is never exactly what it was at the beginning.

    In my observations, too many of us think we are at the goal line if we can finally say 'i'm gay', when in fact, you are 1st in 10 and have a shit load of down's before you cross the goal line.

    Work inside a little more and a little each day until you are actually comfortable with knowing and telling yourself you are gay. When that is first nature, then think about shariing it with others, you'll fiind your approach will be totally diff and although you will be cognizant of other's feelings, they will not be the deal breaker........................

    Accepting your sexuality is just another part of growing, which lasts a lifetime and will always be with you....If you aren't growing....you're dead....all the best brother...........................Keith
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    Dec 26, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    I just love the term Bi curious. Because once you try it once, there is no-more curious to it, you know! Then it's nothing more than the actions of a bisexual, and it is bisexuals with all the choices too. Yet no matter if you where still to live 70 years of your life with a women breeding, and then they breed and you then become a grand parent, yet always liking a little cock on the side, and a grand child finds you out, you still get labeled gay, even though you had lived your whole life as a pseudo heterosexual, a a straight man. No not go but bisexuals possums.


    Now thats coming from a pure homosexual, a true blue gay; the real thing...............

    PS Not for one moment saying bi is a bad thing, just not the same as gay thats all.
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    Dec 26, 2010 7:36 PM GMT

    I can't really say what's already been said... However, I can say coming out to your friends and family can be quite frightening... I tried when I was 15, and due to my parent's un-accepting response I went back right back into the closet.... It was only recent that I came out as a bisexual male fully...

    I tried to state i'm gay, but I can't because I have such a high attraction to women too, that I can't fully say 100% that I'm gay and I can't say I'm 100% straight. The problem I have with being bi is that people that are gay and women that are straight have a harder time accepting someone being bi, due individual insecurities, thinking that we would always be unfaithful, and due to an overwhelming amounts of competition out there.... All I can do is be me... That's it.

    Whatever the case is be comfortable with telling yourself that you are gay, around your friends and eventually to your family. Its going to tough when you come out, but one thing remains you will be you and that's more important than living a lie. So what if someone had an idea if you were or not? It doesn't matter... All that matters is "YOU"...
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Dec 26, 2010 7:39 PM GMT
    True_blue_aussie saidI just love the term Bi curious. Because once you try it once, there is no-more curious to it, you know! Then it's nothing more than the actions of a bisexual, and it is bisexuals with all the choices too. Yet no matter if you where still to live 70 years of your life with a women breeding, and then they breed and you then become a grand parent, yet always liking a little cock on the side, and a grand child finds you out, you still get labeled gay, even though you had lived your whole life as a pseudo heterosexual, a a straight man. No not go but bisexuals possums.


    Now thats coming from a pure homosexual, a true blue gay; the real thing...............

    PS Not for one moment saying bi is a bad thing, just not the same as gay thats all.


    LOL....and once you have cock....there is no turning back....ur brain is programed for it.....icon_biggrin.gificon_eek.gif
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    Dec 26, 2010 7:40 PM GMT
    Wow I'm glad that there are people who are going through something similar.
    I'm the same where it's only been this year that I've been trying to discover my true sexuality.

    The whole coming out process freaks the shit out of me because my family are very strong committed catholic/christians.
    They put pressure on me too because they always wonder when I'm going to get married and give them grand kids.
    They try set me up with a few daughters of family friends, worst thing ever being set up by your family with family friends.

    Sucks because my family and friends are really great people and have helped me through some hard times, but I know by how they talk about people who are homosexual that they will not be accepting at all.

    Anyway I guess I can't really offer any advice, sorry.
    I really do feel for you man.
  • Syphon

    Posts: 366

    Dec 26, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    It's one of the hardest things you're going to have to do, and you will have to do it. You can't lose your happiness at the expense of others, that's not a life anybody should lead. Yeah, you're going to have to break your girl's heart, but I'm sure she doesn't want to live a lie either.

    If you think your parents are going to react badly, don't tell them until you are stable and on your own, that simple.
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    Dec 26, 2010 8:00 PM GMT
    vetteset saidFirst and foremost, it doesn't sound like you have fully dealt with who you are internally. Have you taken a huge leap? Yes, have you hit the mark? dunno, sounds like you need a little more introspection.

    Coming to a self realization is something like building a house....it doesn't happen over night, plans are changed throughout the drawing and building stages to suit your specific needs, and the final product is never exactly what it was at the beginning.

    In my observations, too many of us think we are at the goal line if we can finally say 'i'm gay', when in fact, you are 1st in 10 and have a shit load of down's before you cross the goal line.

    Work inside a little more and a little each day until you are actually comfortable with knowing and telling yourself you are gay. When that is first nature, then think about shariing it with others, you'll fiind your approach will be totally diff and although you will be cognizant of other's feelings, they will not be the deal breaker........................

    Accepting your sexuality is just another part of growing, which lasts a lifetime and will always be with you....If you aren't growing....you're dead....all the best brother...........................Keith


    I cannot stress enough how important the above is. I just recently came out to my brother and earlier (August) to my mom, but I could have never done this before I admitted to myself for a long time that I also liked guys, I was even dating one and I still had a lot of issues for it. This year with the help of a lot of the stories here in RJ and with a lot thinking I was finally able to say it out loud and then say it to my family. Dont ever feel pressure to come out until you are ready. I think I would have had a different reaction from my family if I had told them last year as opposed to now that I am more comfortable with it.

    PS Your family may surprise you, I come from a very traditional Christian family, specially my mom, and I have 4 older brothers and they are all macho, and make a lot of anti gay comments, however my brother surprised me by not even blinking when I came out to him and I told him I was dating the guy he has been friends with for over a year. I am not saying your family will react this way, but they may surprise you, I was ready to never been spoken to again and thankfully none of that happened. I hope for the best for you.

    Good luck buddy
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    Dec 26, 2010 8:30 PM GMT
    radicalguy said Well my point is that im scared if i come out my family would disown me and i will become friendless...and even breakin my girls heart :/.....any advice,stories or encouraging words are very much appreciated


    99.99% chance that wont happen. Trust me.

    You dont want to be living your life with them if they cant accept who you are. Both of you will be unhappy.

    Good luck!
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    Dec 26, 2010 8:34 PM GMT
    So nobody knows right? First tell the person you trust the most. You will feel so much better once at least one person knows. They can also help you out on the way. Even if only one person knows, you will feel less alone. You don't have to come out to everyone at once. You can take it one step at a time. If you feel your parents will disown you and stop paying for your education, don't tell them 'till your out of school. If you do tell them then be ready for the consequences. My best advice for you is to start with your friends first. Then move on to relatives, a brother/sister or cousin or someone.

    Good luck, man.
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    Dec 26, 2010 8:52 PM GMT
    I wish you true love with someone you are attracted to. That cannot come until you come out fully to yourself...and your family. What others think can be important.. but not as important as what you think about yourself.
    Be proud, you are worth it.

    My only addition is that when YOU come out yourself it is much better than being outed by 'accident'

    good luck
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    Dec 26, 2010 9:47 PM GMT
    Should you come out? Make sure that you come out now. Coming out when you are older sucks. Nine years ago, 2001, at age 56, I came out to my son (than 19) and daughter (than 22). Now 31 and 28. I will never regret having the loves of my life, my son and daughter!

    My son turned to me an said, "Thank you for telling me Dad, you know that I will always love you."

    My daughter said, "That's cool Dad, I'm dating a gay man at school." She continued by saying "You know I will always love you because you are my father!"

    Having the unique the position of being a Gay Father, I have a vantage point that many gay men do not have...As a father I will be deeply loved, ALWAYS, no matter what I am, what I do or who I have become! I would die for my son and daughter, and would defend them to my last breath! Your parents will love you eternally, no matter what kind of man you are!!!

    Yes, I am bi and was married for 30 years. Marriage was not the right thing to do. But, when I got married in 1976, in my opinion, that was what a bi-sexual man did. I consider myself 65% gay and 35% straight. After my wife divorces me, I mourned the loss for 6 months, because I truly loved her.

    I am just as attracted to a beautiful woman as I am to a beautiful man. I don't mention being Bi-sexual because it just doesn't work for me. Just like what dragondevil said in this forum, "The problem I have with being bi is that people that are gay and women that are straight have a harder time accepting someone being bi". In my opinion, 100% Gay men have a difficult time wrapping their head around being Bi-sexual. I have been told that I am NOT gay and that I am just lying to myself. Ive also been told that I am either 100% gay or 100% straight...there is no in between.

    I am 65 years old and just starting to come out to the gay community and to close friends that are straight. Those friends I have told either love me more, or some turn around and walk away, never to be seen again. The way I look at it, that person that walked away, was never really a true friend in the first place, if he turned his back on me after such a long friendship. Do you want a untrue friend like that? NO!!!

    Coming from 30 years of marriage, I can advise you, without a doubt, you must come out to your girlfriend!!! If she REALLY loves you, she will love you more! If she leaves you, you need to know that, mourn it, get over it and move on! If she leaves you, I know that you will find another loving relationship, be it male or female! Do not lie, pretend or try to live straight all of your life. You will regret it!!!

    DO NOT WAIT TO COME OUT! It is scary to tell friends and family about being gay. But, don't carry it around for 65 years like I did! Your family and true friends will love you for it!

    You Are Loved,
    Murray
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    Dec 26, 2010 10:49 PM GMT
    radicalguy saidAlright, so for some yrs now I have denied who I really am (gay). Even lying and sayin to myself that im just str8/curious or bi curious. Im about to turn 23 and im urgin to come out. Theres however many factors that hold me back: mom is extremely religious, my dad is extremely macho and i know he wouldnt accept me as gay, im dating a girl right now, all my close guy friends are typical masculine jocks that are all about girls and beer. Im very masculine, howver theres people with an excellent gaydar so some people have wondered if im bi or gay..so by coming out I dont want people to say "i knew it". Well my point is that im scared if i come out my family would disown me and i will become friendless...and even breakin my girls heart :/.....any advice,stories or encouraging words are very much appreciated


    Hey man,

    Coming out is not easy. I remembered when i struggled about coming out, i went to my closest friends first. But they didn't believe me, thought i was joking. The conversation went like this:
    F: I had the perfect girl for u. R u free Friday night?
    Me: Well. If you r going to set me up, find me a burly guy to cuddle with. (Str8 face, no laughing)
    F: hahahahahahaha. Good one. But seriously, r u in?
    Me: No. I m into guys.
    F: pffff. I will start looking then. (But they still tried to find me girls.)

    Sorry, I gotta carried away. My suggestion will be:
    1. make more friends. Do not need to gay friends. Can be those people who definitely open-minded about people being gay.

    2. I think you still have a long way to go accepting your sexuality. One of my friends told me that the moment he knew he was ready to come out was when he was comfortable with people knowing. Once you construct this mindset, you don't really need to come out to everyone. You don't hear str8 guys going around telling people they are str8, do u? icon_smile.gif. Just don't lie when they ask u. But in your case, you need to tell your girlfriend at least. It is not fair for her.

    3. In terms of your jock friends, I don't know what you usually do or say when they start talking nasty about girls. It would make me uncomfortable.(lol, i m totally gay.) Again make more friends. If they don't accept u b/c u r gay, their loss.

    4. About your families, always start with mom or siblings, not dad. Just find one who you think would be the most likely accepting it. If that went well, you can ask her/him to prepare others about the fact. You don't have to do it all at once.

    5. If you are concerning about money, just wait until you graduate. Or you can start preparing yourself financially, prepare for the worst.

    Enough said. I think trying to be comfortable being gay is the most important thing you need to work on.
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    Dec 26, 2010 11:05 PM GMT
    I don't think you have to "come out" to anyone and there is definitely no time limit. It's no one's business but your own. So many guys feel this pressure to come out to the world, while other get by not saying a word.

    If you identify yourself as "gay" first, then I can see why it would be important. But in all actuality, you're a human first, male second, your race third, age and then sexual preference. That's how I look at it.

    If someone flat out asks me I'll tell them, because I'm not fake or ashamed, just cautious.
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    Dec 26, 2010 11:28 PM GMT
    When u came to terms with who I was, I had a girlfriend and a boyfriend at the same time. I dumped them both( they drove me nuts ) laid low for a while to process everything then I told a great friend of mine and proceeded down the list with my parents being last and my dad being the very last which didn't go well. He still hasn't met my partner of almost 5 years or ever been to my house that we bought 4 years ago. He has known for almost 10 years now and I look at it like this, I'm very happy with my friends, family(except dad) but my dad will never have a deep knowing of who I am or what my life is or to see how great things turned out for me. Being this I am glad I told him because I am human!

    Everyone has a time and place for their own coming out, just do what your heart tells you. Your a good guy that is young and growing into the person you are...A Human being.icon_idea.gif
  • dantheman88

    Posts: 140

    Dec 27, 2010 12:56 AM GMT
    Thanks for the great responses guys. Each response has been in some way an inspiration. For those in a similiar situation, I guess its good to know we are not alone. And for those who shared their coming story, thank you so much for motivation, it makes me feel like if I loose some freinds by coming out that I will be able to acquire even more in this site. I dont know how long the fear of being called a fag, being made fun of, breaking my relationship with my parent and my gf, loosing my freindships,or loosing financial support for school, the fear that I will immediately be put into the gay scene will last...i am still very much a masculine guy who loves spending time with the fraternity bros..all I know is that I will make small steps in becoming more comfortable with myself and once i do finish takin all those steps Id be ready to come out. Also, I categorized myself as gay because even though I am attracted to women as well I only see myself truly falling in love with a guy.
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    Dec 27, 2010 1:18 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidThanks for the great responses guys. Each response has been in some way an inspiration. For those in a similiar situation, I guess its good to know we are not alone. And for those who shared their coming story, thank you so much for motivation, it makes me feel like if I loose some freinds by coming out that I will be able to acquire even more in this site. I dont know how long the fear of being called a fag, being made fun of, breaking my relationship with my parent and my gf, loosing my freindships,or loosing financial support for school, the fear that I will immediately be put into the gay scene will last..I am still very much a masculine guy who loves spending time with the fraternity bros..all I know is that I will make small steps in becoming more comfortable with myself and once i do finish takin all those steps Id be ready to come out. Also, I categorized myself as gay because even though I am attracted to women as well I only see myself truly falling in love with a guy.


    being a masculine, feminine, jetter, flamer, football player or fighter pilot, has absolutely NOTHIING to do with your sexuality...you can bet your sweet tight gay ass that some of your jock bulging frat brothers dream of getting a hard dick in their ass..............don't stereotype what you think should fit your role....you'll have a lot easier time with things.......you're queer, period....now go kill that grizzly, drag it home, and make a nice quiche to go with it....the fur is going to make a lovely boa...............see what i mean?...Keith
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Dec 27, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    radicalguy saidAlright, so for some yrs now I have denied who I really am (gay). Even lying and sayin to myself that im just str8/curious or bi curious. Im about to turn 23 and im urgin to come out. Theres however many factors that hold me back: mom is extremely religious, my dad is extremely macho and i know he wouldnt accept me as gay, im dating a girl right now, all my close guy friends are typical masculine jocks that are all about girls and beer. Im very masculine, howver theres people with an excellent gaydar so some people have wondered if im bi or gay..so by coming out I dont want people to say "i knew it". Well my point is that im scared if i come out my family would disown me and i will become friendless...and even breakin my girls heart :/.....any advice,stories or encouraging words are very much appreciated
    dude, the first thing i would do is end the relationship with the girl you are dating. secondly, i would start by telling one of your closest friends. i would wait to tell your parents only until you can handle dealing with your friends issues. i say tell a friend and see how it goes from there. then tell one of your parents rather than both that way they can prep the other one
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    Dec 27, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    Props to you for dealing with it but heres a pisser...you never quite come to terms with it. You will always feel...different. Its a small subconscious feeling but its there regardless.
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    Dec 27, 2010 11:00 PM GMT
    True_blue_aussie saidI just love the term Bi curious. Because once you try it once, there is no-more curious to it, you know! Then it's nothing more than the actions of a bisexual, and it is bisexuals with all the choices too. Yet no matter if you where still to live 70 years of your life with a women breeding, and then they breed and you then become a grand parent, yet always liking a little cock on the side, and a grand child finds you out, you still get labeled gay, even though you had lived your whole life as a pseudo heterosexual, a a straight man. No not go but bisexuals possums.


    Now thats coming from a pure homosexual, a true blue gay; the real thing...............

    PS Not for one moment saying bi is a bad thing, just not the same as gay thats all.



    No you stated it correctly,being bi is bad... Because you assume we have all the choices, and that we would cheat on our partner with someone of the opposite sex of our partner...


    Just because it looks like we have more choices we don't we have as twice as many rejections...
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    Dec 27, 2010 11:07 PM GMT
    Good for you. The sooner, the better. icon_wink.gif