Cheap People....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:00 AM GMT
    So in the last 2 years, my sister (now 37) met and married a man who is generally a nice guy. He is very loving of her (so it seems), though at times his stupidity comes out with some small comments or his attempts to discuss politics.

    I have to say that I dont personally feel like I have much to say to him, but he and I are polar opposites in many ways.... so I sort of treat him kindly when I see him but dont really make a huge effort to be his close friend or anything like that. He is very shy and I feel like he doesn't know what to say or how to act sometimes. Perhaps he is intimidated by our loud and crazy/fun family.

    Well... my other sister seems to think that he is pretty much a shitty dude - given his political views, some dumb comments he has made, as well as..... the fact that he is probably the cheapest person we've ever met.

    Mind you, this man makes over 100,000 dollars a year. My family has taken him out to several dinners, he has dined with my sister and her siblings several times and never once has he even reached for his wallet or offered to pay. Not even in the presence of my parents has he offered to pay for his or my sister's portion even. Once, my little brother asked him for a dollar to get a soda and the dude said no! My little bro and his friend also came and helped her move into his home after they got married, and the guy didnt even offer to pay for their meal.... my sister ended up picking up the tab. I mean what is that?? My parents literally bought my sister and her new hubby a new 65K Audi Q7 as a wedding gift (in addition to their extravagant wedding...)... and apparently the guy was totally being pushy towards my parents to wire the money to him immediately - even though they were overseas and on vacation.

    Whats the deal with this? I was thinking that it may be a cultural thing... Lebanese people tend to be excessively generous, but my other sister is married to a Southern American guy and he at least offers to pay fairly frequently. AND he doesnt make that much money.

    Isnt it a sign of courtesy and respect? A desire to take someone out for food or simply be nice? You'd think after my parents bought them a car and a wedding, the least the dude could do is take them out for a meal or buy them some kind of gift.... a thank you note, even???? What's the deal with this??? Does he think that he shouldnt have to make an effort just because my parents dont need the money or "help"?

    And more importantly.... since it sort of bugs everyone... what do people think we might do about it?
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:16 AM GMT
    Does your sister share a bank account with him? If so, why doesn't she just take the lead on these things?
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:20 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidDoes your sister share a bank account with him? If so, why doesn't she just take the lead on these things?


    To my knowledge, no. They just married 2 months ago, so things arent totally "one" yet. She does take the lead - but shouldn't this dude man up and offer to pay every once in a while? She'd be offering to pay for her family... on his behalf?? Not the same as him offering....
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    I don't think anyone here can really tell you the right thing to do. If I was in your situation, I would talk to your sister and ask what the deal was. Maybe the guy is just a cheap bastard. Or maybe his parents didn't teach him about good manners/kind gestures/saving face. Or maybe there's a money problem you're not aware of, and most of his income is going towards some type of debt. Or maybe something else. Just talk to her. But be prepared for a possible backfire. Often times a wife will take sides with her husband. So she might get offended by your inquiry. Good luck to ya. icon_cool.gif
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Dec 28, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    He definitely should offer more than once in a while to pick up a tab or two. If he did, though, would your parents mind since you mention they don't need the money or the help?

    Since your sister married him, it's pretty much her call as far as if it's an issue or not.
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:29 AM GMT
    Yes he is cheap, very cheap, but if your sister loves him and he is loving towards her, you are probably going to have to bite your tongue and put up with it. Since they have only been married a couple months, maybe she will be a good influence on him over time and he will loosen his grip on the wallet a little bit. It would be hard for me to believe that your sister does not notice and will not eventually say something to her husband.
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:46 AM GMT
    Midas426 saidHe definitely should offer more than once in a while to pick up a tab or two. If he did, though, would your parents mind since you mention they don't need the money or the help?

    Since your sister married him, it's pretty much her call as far as if it's an issue or not.


    My parents would definitely appreciate the gesture. In Lebanese culture its considered very appropriate to at least OFFER to pay every once in a while...
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    Dec 28, 2010 6:53 AM GMT
    ZbmwM5 said
    AvadaKedavra saidDoes your sister share a bank account with him? If so, why doesn't she just take the lead on these things?


    To my knowledge, no. They just married 2 months ago, so things arent totally "one" yet. She does take the lead - but shouldn't this dude man up and offer to pay every once in a while? She'd be offering to pay for her family... on his behalf?? Not the same as him offering....


    I am not sure how your culture works... actually I don't even know your culture. But I for mine when you get married you and your spouse become a unit of one. So whether the wife or husband offers to pay, it is kinda the same. I mean so long as someone speaks up and offers to pay the couple gets credit. If he prevents her from paying then thats a different sorry.

    Also, I think since they got married you kinda don't want to step in and have your sister change who he is. She has accepted him despite of his cheapness. She can train him to offer to pay so that she doesn't need to do the offering but at the end of the day what does that change really? Probably just your perspective of him but to what extent knowing that your sister was behind it? Plus, it could cause things to get messy between them. He treats her well enough for her to want to take him as her husband. Why risk fucking that up to have him appear generous.

    If they weren't married you can do more but they are now. If he does something that is negative then you can step in but this is trying to get him to do more than what he did before they got married. I don't think it works that way.

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    Dec 28, 2010 12:14 PM GMT
    where he from?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:23 PM GMT
    That's ghetto,

    You should tell your sister to talk to him about that.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Dec 28, 2010 12:25 PM GMT
    If your parents invite him and your sister out to eat then then your parents should pick up the tab, not him.
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:29 PM GMT
    monet saidIf your parents invite him and your sister out to eat then then your parents should pick up the tab, not him.


    Yea but he should still offer to pay out of respect. How does he act with his own parents? Or do they still pick up the tab for him as well.

    But then again maybe he really isn't as affluent as he projects himself to be.
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:34 PM GMT
    Don't stress yourself out wondering why....he's CHEAP!!!

    Ain't ever going to change. My brother's the same way. It's not a cutural, ethno-centrical thing.....he's just more concerned with his financial well-being than yours....I postulated maybe he wasn't breast-fed....but, ahhhh....who cares...........icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:40 PM GMT
    P.S. Is a humoungous turn-off to me in a person.
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    I would say your sister will have to take on the responsibility to uphold their end of their generosity. Maybe he will catch on by example.
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:47 PM GMT
    Well obviously your sister found something that she loves about him so, either shuttup or encourage your family to no longer invite them.

    If your sister sees no problems with this then you should keep your mouth shut. If she does have a problem with it then she would have spoken to her husband already and you should keep out of it.
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    Dec 28, 2010 12:51 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidWell obviously your sister found something that she loves about him so, either shuttup or encourage your family to no longer invite them.

    If your sister sees no problems with this then you should keep your mouth shut. If she does have a problem with it then she would have spoken to her husband already and you should keep out of it.


    ^ this
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    Dec 28, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    Buddy I feel bad for ya and I'm pretty sure your sisters have already discussed their concerns to your other sister. In fact maybe your family should have a frank talk with her in private. Maybe things aren't what they appear to be. If he is cheap, you're in a pickle alright

    My family was very much fortunate to have my sister marry a guy whom we genuinely adore. I love my brother in law to pieces. Especially for the fact that there is man whom is willing to be married to my sister *touch wood) :lolicon_sad.gifj/k)

    Voice your opinion in private. If she doesn't pay heed, then drop it. However I don't your let yours parents lavish their son in law with any more outings.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 28, 2010 1:16 PM GMT
    Well a couple of things...

    First, don't rag on anybody because of their political views. I realize if the
    guy has a number of perceived inperfections.. the fact he is a Republican might be an add on to the list... LOL just kidding. Actually politics really should be left out of any evaluation of whether he is "cheap" or generous,
    unless he makes his political views known in a continuous "overbearing" way... (and if he does that and is a democrat, that can still be a pain).

    A "cheap" person comes in all forms... not just monetarily. They can be cheap with how they treat others, petty with how they deal with issues or their views. I'm thinking he is just a skin flint, tight guy. I can be that way when it comes to the use of coupons for groceries, etc.... but never in the ways you have shown.

    Some of what you point out really is ridiculous. The best thing he can do is be generous with your family... and buying your brother a pop is the least he can do (LOL) for the time and effort your brother put in.. or a dinner or whatever.....he should have the reason to buy your parents a nice dinner, especially if they have been so generous with the wedding and a vehicle.

    Interestingly, you didn't say anything about his "gay" views or his treatment of you. I take it he doesn't know about you. I'd wager, if he did and he wasn't fair, your discussion would be a little different and you might agree with the sister that he's a shit. The only thing I'd suggest is that you make a gentle effort to communicate some of whats thought to your sister (his wife) about how nice it would be for them to do something to thank your parents. Otherwise.... you might be conveying this 10 years from now.. or longer....
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Dec 28, 2010 1:45 PM GMT
    There is definitely something wrong with this guy. It's funny how other cheap people will give excuses for another's show of selfishness. I'm sure he shows his selfishness and lack of concern for others but you just don't see it yet. The reason why it bugs you and everyone else is because his cheapness is pretty much a tell-all that he values money more than people or personal relationships.

    Does he show any kind of generosity? Does he give to his church? Does he give his free time to charity events or community endeavors?
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Dec 28, 2010 2:18 PM GMT
    Hiya Z,

    There've been some good points made about if you should say anything or not and that's something to consider. If you deide you do want to do or say something, here's one way to go:

    Dudebro is now your dudebro-in-law, so sometime when you guys happen to be in a situation where you can speak to him privately offer him some friendly advice. Instead of getting worked up, take a friendly tone and tell him you think your parents are expecting him to pick up the tab more often, and that it would help him make a really good impression if he did that.

    "You'd get in great with my folks if the next time you all went out to dinner you offered to pay. They don't mind treating their kids, but it looks really good if you offer to pay so that they know you don't expect it."

    Throw in some cute points about cultural norms and make sure he gets that you're trying to help, not lecture him.

    That's just the way I would go.
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    Dec 28, 2010 2:24 PM GMT
    HeartRobb saidYes he is cheap, very cheap, but if your sister loves him and he is loving towards her, you are probably going to have to bite your tongue and put up with it. Since they have only been married a couple months, maybe she will be a good influence on him over time and he will loosen his grip on the wallet a little bit. It would be hard for me to believe that your sister does not notice and will not eventually say something to her husband.


    I agree. Sisters often don't marry people we love. We have to deal with it. There is something medieval about your insistence on a reciprocity norm about material things. I'd recommend you hold your tongue forever and maybe even reach out to this guy a bit. You have a loud, crazy family. Maybe he feels intimidated.

    Also, expensive presents can be interpreted as a way of controlling someone. He should have turned down the Q7.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 28, 2010 2:41 PM GMT
    A little clarification is in order. If party A invites party B out to eat, then party A expects to pay for the outing. Party B is then expected to reciprocate at some later time. Party B may reciprocate within their means. That is to say no one is expected to keep tabs on the exact costs.

    Get out your Miss Manners and read up.

    This amounts to sister/new wife saying to her new husband: "Since Mom and Dad have asked us out, let's ask them out in return. Or she might have a dinner at home and ask them.

    Brother-in-law need not offer to pay when invited out, but should invite in return.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 28, 2010 2:49 PM GMT
    Laud Laud, WHAT a tool box he appears to be!! i am guessing it will NOT be a "till-death-do-us-part" marriage. icon_exclaim.gif
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Dec 28, 2010 2:59 PM GMT
    What may appear on the surface may not necessarily be the case.

    What you point out does seem cheap and stingy, but maybe he has been generous in private towards your family. When it comes to money, especially another family member's money, you don't have the right to tell them how to spend it. In dealing with this issue, you can either return the stinginess with your brother-in-law if you feel he is not being generous with you, or you can continue being generous, as generosity doesn't expect anything in return.