My crappy Christmas

  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Dec 29, 2010 6:01 AM GMT
    Alright, I need to vent so here we go. I've been talking to this guy for about 7 months and I'm normally hesitant about being in a relationship, but after awhile I was finally convinced. He's in the navy and we've talked about it quite a bit and after I had graduated I was going to follow him to annapolis while he attended the naval academy. Well, we finally decide to be in a relationship as he comes home on leave for this past month.

    Things are going great, we're getting along really well. We have compatible kissing styles, we're on the same wavelengths socially, intellectually, we spend tons of time together always laughing.

    I finally decide to have him meet my family and invite him to spend christmas eve with us...but lo and behold - 2 days before he stops talking to me completely. No notice, no nothing, just no response from him at all - at first I think he's hurt or something, but then I see him on facebook and know he's still alive.

    Needless to say he I don't hear from him for about 5 days, the 23rd to today...finally i hear from him and he says that he felt we were growing apart and that he didn't think it was fair that he'd be in the academy and we'd be apart for so long.

    I get where he was coming from, but i'm still pissed...how do you start ignoring someone 2 days before Christmas? Especially when Christmas is your birthday as well
  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Dec 29, 2010 6:20 AM GMT
    TL;DR (too long; didn't read): boys are stupid.

    /end rant.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2010 6:25 AM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREhe says that he felt we were growing apart and that he didn't think it was fair that he'd be in the academy and we'd be apart for so long.


    Translation: It'll be too challenging to get involved given the circumstances (distance, time) and I don't think I'm up for the challenge.

  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Dec 29, 2010 6:36 AM GMT
    I have some thoughts about your situation, but before I say too much, I have a question.... is he 'out'?
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    Dec 29, 2010 7:27 AM GMT
    Annapolis? Long dist. relationship and didnt want to be out at school? Sorry man. Sucks. His loss.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2010 7:38 AM GMT
    Hey,

    I think you might have rushed him...being in the navy he might not have been out; but that sucks buddy! icon_sad.gif
  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Dec 29, 2010 8:13 AM GMT
    out to his family, and DADT falling is right around the corner. I had met his parents and friends and he had met all of my friends. We had met awhile ago and decided that we liked each other. I didn't feel like I rushed him since I didn't put any stress on him, i just said that I was willing to follow him if he wanted me to...which is what I think someone would want in a relationship
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Dec 29, 2010 8:16 AM GMT
    I totally did this to a guy.
    icon_sad.gif

    I just fell out of love and kept it going because I didn't want to seem like a bad guy. My friends told me I was doing him and injustice and that I needed to end it before I got in too deep and really fucked up his life.

    Breaking up with him made me feel just wretched, but it was better than leading him on and pretending I was still interested.
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    Dec 29, 2010 8:20 AM GMT
    Whether he is out or not has nothing to do with being ignorant, sorry but there is no other way to describe his actions.

    I am a man of my word and when someone says they are going to do something, i damn well expect them to follow through.

    This was a very special time, not like they were going for a jog together and this guy doesn't have the cajones to let the OP know he won't be able to make it?

    COLD FEET my brother....he is suffering from relationship jitters and there are, in my opinion, two ways you can handle it:

    1) If you really think this relationship is salvageable, sit down and talk this out with him.

    2) Move on, while the hurt is not so deep and keep an open mind...remember Shakespeare's quote on loving....


    All the best.............................................Keithicon_cool.gif
  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Dec 29, 2010 8:28 AM GMT
    Thanks for the well-wishes...I guess I'm just hurt because when we started things I told him the only way to really get under my skin was to ignore me....and that's just how things ended - no response from him when I wanted to get hold of him.

    Plus the fact that it was two days before christmas//my birthday.

    blegh - this is what beer and good friends are for!
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    Dec 29, 2010 8:40 AM GMT
    It probably was the distance thing. He may have got horny and cheated and didn't want to tell you. Or he just wasn't ready to meet the parents and wasn't out as much as he thought he was.
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    Dec 29, 2010 9:17 AM GMT
    Sounds like he got cold feet and didn't handle it well. Depending on what year he is in the Naval Academy, having a partner living locally can be stressful. The midshipmen are generally kept quite busy and need to keep their focus completely on the Academy. Having a partner living locally who would expect some attention would put much pressure on him. Also DADT has not been implemented yet, and although it would not get him kicked out of the Academy, at this point it could cause him much grief if his classmates, etc. are closed-minded.

    Maybe this could be salvaged if you contact him and back off wanting to move to Annapolis and keep things long distance for now.
  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Dec 29, 2010 9:20 AM GMT
    We've talked about this a bit, and we both realize how little we'd see each other, that wasn't the issue I don't think. Also, I know that DADT isn't all the way gone yet, military men have been told not to come out yet until it's been implemented fully from what I understand.

    I dunno, I think it's just that I was ready for something more long term and that he wasn't...which is fine - i just wish it would've been handled better......(and again, not right before my birthday).
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    Dec 29, 2010 9:30 AM GMT
    Yeah the timing and the way he handled it sucked.

    If he had just been upfront with you it would have been a lot better. I'm sure he was scared to tell you, but that's no reason to ignore you and make you wonder if he's okay!

    Sorry for the pain you had to endure, but it's probably better that you're not with someone who would handle things that way.

    Hard to be too judgemental without knowing either of you, but it sucks anyway you look at it.

    BTW, my bf is also a Christmas Day baby, so belated Happy Birthday! icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 29, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    desertfan said, and I agree with this too,

    "Sorry for the pain you had to endure, but it's probably better that you're not with someone who would handle things that way."

    I think the disappearing act is a symptom of issues he has that can sabotage a relationship.

    -Doug
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    Dec 29, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    rmd210 said... - i just wish it would've been handled better......(and again, not right before my birthday).
    Your disappointment is understandable, but keep in mind none of us is perfect, and we can all screw up. If you're understanding, and are able to stay in casual contact, things could still work out in the future.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 29, 2010 4:06 PM GMT
    Certainly not a very mature way to handle the situation. If he felt you were growing apart, it certainly was important for you both to talk. Sometimes the most difficult thing in a relationship is to talk reasonably about things that are inherently uncomfortable or difficult.

    Sorry to hear you had this issue. One thing I might mention.. you were
    talking about the things you had in common and the first thing you listed
    was "kissing". I chuckled, not because it isn't important. I'm an expert kisser and it is an important part of communication, believe me. I just wish
    you had mentioned your ability to "communicate" on other levels.
    Not a good way to spend your birthday and Christmas, upset and irritated.
    Try and use it as a learning tool for the next guy.
  • rmd210

    Posts: 107

    Dec 29, 2010 6:21 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said One thing I might mention.. you were
    talking about the things you had in common and the first thing you listed
    was "kissing". I chuckled, not because it isn't important. I'm an expert kisser and it is an important part of communication, believe me. I just wish
    you had mentioned your ability to "communicate" on other levels.
    .


    Haha, maybe I wasn't very clear - but I was trying to get across that we were able to communicate well with the being on the same wavelengths intellectually and socially. (To be fair I was a little tipsy when I made the venting post. lol)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2010 6:30 PM GMT
    He was just playing bf while it required no real commitment. There was mo relationship there on his part.
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    Dec 30, 2010 12:46 AM GMT
    I feel like there was most likely some sort of dishonesty on his behalf. Either, he cheated and was avoiding you...or maybe he just wasn't feeling it anymore and decided not to tell you. As Caslon said:

    Caslon17000 saidHe was just playing bf while it required no real commitment. There was mo relationship there on his part.


    Then the time came for him to meet the parents, and have "THE DINNER" with the family during a momentous occasion, and perhaps that just freaked him the fuck out...to the point where all he could do was pretend that it wasn't happening. It is fucked up nonetheless, that he did so just days before the event and your birthday, but it happens.

    Everyone has those moments of clarification which reveal certain truths about their lives. Unfortunately, they tend to have some negative consequences attached to them...I'm sorry it had to be that way. Sooner rather than later though.

    Imagine him NOT feeling the relationship but then actually coming to Christmas/Birthday Dinner, and continuing the relationship for a month of more. Each moment tightening your guys' bond together (or so you think), and then all of a sudden he pulls that shit...

    Best of luck to you bud. Hope it works out icon_cool.gif
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    Dec 30, 2010 12:56 AM GMT
    The 'honeymoon' phase ended and he was faced with reality and decided that the easier option was to end it all. Yeah, he's chicken shit for ignoring you for a few days, but guys do that because they think it's 'easier'. It's only easier on their own guilt.
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    Dec 30, 2010 8:59 AM GMT
    Sorry about the poor timing, but I think you dodged the bullet there.

    It's pretty sad that someone who's going to the Naval Academy (Honor... Courage... Commitment) acted like such a coward. It would have been better if he told you up front about his misgivings rather than have you worry about him for a few days while he hides.
    On the other hand, you might consider it your birthday/Christmas gift that you broke up before you moved hundreds of miles away from your friends and family to be with a guy that was too afraid to tell you that he wasn't as committed as you were to the relationship.