Coming out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2010 11:17 AM GMT
    I'm pretty new to this forum/site but I honestly don't know where else I could ask for some advice. I plan on coming out in a few days to my sister (who i'm really close with) however I keep getting hesitant and backing out. Does anybody have any advice? I know she won't care at all, but it's still a really big thing to do. I'm only 21 years old and most people probably have no idea so i'm freaking out. Keeping this secret has made me do some pretty outrageous things that I regret, but hopefully by coming out it will alleviate the stress on my part. I guess my biggest concern is that it'll change my relationship with the people I tell, even if they say it won't. Any advice will be greatly appreciated, i've been an emotional wreck for the past year and this was partly due to moving and other life changes i've had. How did everyone else come out? What's it like now? I know that once I do this, there won't be any turning back. :/ My parents are also fairly conservative, so telling them is basically out of the question. They prefer to be an ignorant bliss from the things I do. Thanks.
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    Dec 29, 2010 11:30 AM GMT
    Another thing, how should I approach this? I have no idea how to bring it up without it being awkward. How did you guys do this. I've been reading as many threads as possible about coming out, I just felt that getting some more personal feedback would make me more confident in doing this. Thanks.
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    Dec 29, 2010 11:45 AM GMT
    Well, when I came out I was 16 and it was to my dad who I did not have a good experience with. After that it was sort of forced, I did have friends who shun me, but I also had friends who were fine with it and looking back... those friends mattered more.

    I don't believe telling your parents is a really big deal, at least I regret telling mine in a sense that my mom is still in denial and believes it's a phase and I cut my father out of my personal life.

    I realized that my best support group were my friends and now I'm fine with being gay and with my parent's denial of it.

    No one said it would be easy, it's tough to come out and say it more for you than anyone else but once you do it you'll feel much better and life will move on like it always does.

    Whatever happens just learn to adapt. It's not that tough after the first push, really. You will find other things to worry about.
  • BradHunt

    Posts: 8

    Dec 29, 2010 12:53 PM GMT
    One of the most useful comments I've ever heard about the process of coming out is that there is always someone else you can come out to.
    It's a continual process. I also feel the need to be out fluctuates over time.

    Your instructions:
    1) Make a list of people you'd regret not telling if you were to die.
    2) Then make a list with the people you feel will be most accepting/supportive of you. Approach them first.
    3) Treat it as good news and be direct.
    "I've got good news. I'm gay."
    Assume the best.
    Have a back up plan: some where to go / or person to go to if things go badly. (I live in Canada, and had a flight booked for Europe!!!).

    I came out gradually in my mid teens, early twenties.
    1) First to friends I knew were gay.
    2)Then to friends I thought were gay friendly.
    3)My family.

    I had two big fears.
    1) Emotional rejection.
    2) Being gay bashed.



    The process was agonizing. On the whole things were ok. I'm glad I did it.
    I wish I'd done it quicker and sooner. I'm out to my family, friends, colleagues, and community.

    Ironically, I'm not out on gay forums like realjock. But I'm working on that ... HA!

    Good luck!





  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Dec 29, 2010 12:59 PM GMT
    I'm not gonna lie and say things don't change. They do. For the better. It's really nice to be able to be honest with your family all the time. No panics when you let something slip, no elaborate stories, no lies to keep track of.

    It was definitely worth the risk, at least for me. Keep in mind, I was 25 and out of the house, so if they didn't take it well, at least I had a roof over my head that they didn't own. But all parties involved took the news very well!
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    Dec 29, 2010 1:00 PM GMT
    wonderboy1 said My parents are also fairly conservative, so telling them is basically out of the question. They prefer to be an ignorant bliss from the things I do.
    The first line tells me that they have much more power over your life than you admit.. and until you change that you'll be miserable all your adult life.
    The second line alarms me even more.. the second line tells me that you condone their treatment of controlling you.

    While not many of us have wonderful families, when you figure out how to love and admire yourself before all others, you will be happy.. otherwise I'd say dump the family.. you aren't losing much.
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Dec 29, 2010 3:21 PM GMT
    You will likely discover, once you come out, that it was a far bigger deal for YOU then it will be for others. For one thing, you think nobody suspects, but I'll bet you will have a few who will tell you they already knew (or suspected it), and I wouldn't be surprised if your sister is one of them. They say "Mom's always know", so that may be no big revelation to her either. Good luck!!!
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    Dec 29, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    "I'm only 21 years old and most people probably have no idea so i'm freaking out."

    You might be surprised by how adept your siblings are (esp. your sister) at instinctively knowing. With all of my closest friends, I had to endure 5-10 minutes of them laughing and saying 'stop joking man' before I got the message through. With my sister: she didn't even raise an eyebrow. She already had it in her mind that I was most likely gay and didn't care at all, as I'm sure your sister won't. Stay strong man, doesn't hurt to get a few drinks in both of you (in my experience).
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    Dec 29, 2010 4:37 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidYou will likely discover, once you come out, that it was a far bigger deal for YOU then it will be for others. For one thing, you think nobody suspects, but I'll bet you will have a few who will tell you they already knew (or suspected it), and I wouldn't be surprised if your sister is one of them. They say "Mom's always know", so that may be no big revelation to her either. Good luck!!!
    Oh how true this is. You are who you are and those who know and love you will continue to do so once you're out. Those who shun you, including family, will need to find themselves and at some point request to be reintegrated into your life. Let them deal with their fears and/or ignorance, you don't need that on your shoulders. You will find a burden lifted after you're out.

    I don't agree with dumping your family, many just really need to be educated. You'd think people would get this by now but they don't. Given time though, I suspect they will. I think more are willing to work through the process to understand and accept their gay relatives than abandon them.

    Hang in there and good luck. You can do this. Be who you are!
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    Dec 29, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    Pull your bootstraps up, get some self-confidence, and get on with your life.

    Your drama is within, self-created, and once you come to understand that you'll be a bunch happier.

    There's 7 BILLION folks in The World. Most of those 7 billion folks could give a shit about your sexual preference.

    Get over yourself and on with the rest of your life.

    The demons are within. Stop with that: get honest, get real, come to like yourself and the rest follows. Stop beating yourself up with self-inflicted drama. It's stupid; serves no useful purpose, and it's NOT reality.



    Truth is, unless you're fucking someone, they don't need to know, and most don't care about what you like to have sex with. YOU'RE SIMPLY NOT THAT IMPORTANT. Get over yourself. Get on with the rest of your life. You're gay / bi. Big deal.

    One other thing, anyone that knows you already knows your preferences. Very, very, very, few folks are so deceitful, and such good actors, that they can cover up their mannerisms, views, and body language for extended periods of time. That's part of the delusion you're in: likely, everybody DOES know you're gay.

    The classic saying "nobody knows I'm gay" is laughable. What the reality is that everyone knows and that you're refusing to admit it. They don't really give a shit, so...they figure you'll start being honest at some point and there's no foul. Moms and dads know their little boys are gay. They've been watching them for years. Very, very, very, very few folks are so good at deception that they can fool those around them regularly. That's YOUR delusion; not there's.

    You're gay. That's the way it is. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing anyone else can do about it, either. Don't waste energy creating needless drama for yourself. If you like yourself, other folks will, too.
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    Dec 29, 2010 5:19 PM GMT
    If you're still hesitant, then you're not ready....wait til it feels just perfect and the stars align....you'll just know............................................Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Dec 29, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    vetteset saidIf you're still hesitant, then you're not ready....wait til it feels just perfect and the stars align....you'll just know............................................Keithicon_cool.gif



    Gotta disagree with you, Keith. The stars may never align, and there may never be a perfect time. Now's as good a time as any.

    A huge concern for guys like the OP is always "people will not treat me the same way." I know all about that concern. But what I've learned is that I don't want to associate with those people who start to treat me differently, anyway. If they do, they can get lost. You're plenty young. It sounds to me like you're ready. The most painless way to get into the cold ocean isn't to wade in slowly, but to jump in and start swimming in the surf.

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    Dec 29, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    Your sibs and parents have had your whole lifetime to observe you up close. They'd have to be remarkably dense not to have noticed something this basic about you. They may not have come to terms with it yet, but when you tell them they won't be surprised.
    No matter what their initial reaction is, in the long run they'll realize that you are the son they have, and love you for who you are.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Dec 29, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidYou will likely discover, once you come out, that it was a far bigger deal for YOU then it will be for others. For one thing, you think nobody suspects, but I'll bet you will have a few who will tell you they already knew (or suspected it), and I wouldn't be surprised if your sister is one of them. They say "Mom's always know", so that may be no big revelation to her either. Good luck!!!
    Yeah that's been my case pretty much with everyone I told so far, including my parents. Speaking of parents, my Dad sent me an email this morning telling me that he still cares and loves me. So nice to hear. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 29, 2010 5:37 PM GMT
    Unless a guy has really shitty parents (and, there are a few, especially those with false belief systems) they love and care for you unconditionally, and want for you to be happy, even if you're a fag.

    Now, if your parents are shitty people, that's THEIR issue, and not yours. You are who you are, and; unless you're fucking your parents nobody cares.

    The Boogie Man isn't there, except in your head. Turn the light on, open the door, and LOOK. The boogie man isn't there. It's all in your head.

    More than anything, if YOU'RE a decent person, at some point you have to restore integrity to your own life.
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    Dec 29, 2010 5:59 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidUnless a guy has really shitty parents (and, there are a few, especially those with false belief systems) they love and care for you unconditionally, and want for you to be happy, even if you're a fag.

    Now, if your parents are shitty people, that's THEIR issue, and not yours. You are who you are, and; unless you're fucking your parents nobody cares.

    The Boogie Man isn't there, except in your head. Turn the light on, open the door, and LOOK. The boogie man isn't there. It's all in your head.

    More than anything, if YOU'RE a decent person, at some point you have to restore integrity to your own life.



    Chucky sounds harsh in his advice on this topic, but he is right about living for yourself and not for what others think of you - even the ones you think are closest to you. It took me a long time to come to that realization, I was several years older than the OP, and in a much bigger tangle of life. But I saw the light eventually and got myself untangled. It was worth the short-term anxieties and stress.

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    Dec 29, 2010 6:28 PM GMT
    Why do so many gay, and not so much bi people feel a need to prance out of the closet? Why do they feel such a big need to make such a big deal about their sexuality?

    I'm sure many of them would be the first too scream like a wet cat, if another was to make as big a deal about their sexuality! As a pure homosexual, if one was to produce a child via Artificial Insemination, the only choice of breeding for a pure homosexual, I would be heartbroken if that child was to turn out a homosexual, because I would want the best for my child! One would be loving, but none the less heartbroken, and one is not a christian, or behold the false belief system of the left, as the gay community beholds lots of issues to that are damaging, nor is it free of sin either!

    But.........I myself as a pure homosexual, have lived my life open and true fully, no matter how detrimental it may of been to my early advancement. But one has never come out either, I just got on with living my own life.
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    Dec 29, 2010 6:38 PM GMT

    There is plenty of good advice here...enough for you to make some wise choices....just remember that "coming out" is a choice. You are NOT required to do it to everybody.... and I wish you the best of luck!!
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    Dec 29, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
    True_blue_aussie saidWhy do so many gay, and not so much bi people feel a need to prance out of the closet? Why do they feel such a big need to make such a big deal about their sexuality?

    I'm sure many of them would be the first too scream like a wet cat, if another was to make as big a deal about their sexuality! As a pure homosexual, if one was to produce a child via Artificial Insemination, the only choice of breeding for a pure homosexual, I would be heartbroken if that child was to turn out a homosexual, because I would want the best for my child! One would be loving, but none the less heartbroken, and one is not a christian, or behold the false belief system of the left, as the gay community beholds lots of issues to that are damaging, nor is it free of sin either!

    But.........I myself as a pure homosexual, have lived my life open and true fully, no matter how detrimental it may of been to my early advancement. But one has never come out either, I just got on with living my own life.


    Not to get bitchy or make the thread drift, but why do you feel the need to almost always announce to us that you are a "pure homosexual?" Not only are you doing what a number of straight men do i.e., "I'm 110% straight," but you're also doing exactly what other GLBT people do when they come out: making a "big deal" about their sexuality.
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    Dec 29, 2010 6:51 PM GMT
    My case was kind of different; it just happened. Luckily it went well, but I originally had no intention of telling either of my parents. Looking back on it, I am so glad that I did it... the integrity and self-esteem that comes from not only being honest with the people who brought me into this world about who I am outweighs any of the negative consequences of keeping it a secret and playing the dishonest "pronoun game" with them. My experience has shown me that there is no substitute for the truth and that living with the feeling of unworthiness that comes from being dishonest is not worth it.

    Take that for whatever you think it's worth, wonderboy1. Just know that no matter what the results, you have people in your corner supporting you (us included) and that no matter whether or not they accept it, you still have to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and decide if you are doing what you can live with on a day-to-day basis.

    Good luck, bud!
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    Dec 29, 2010 7:17 PM GMT
    Columbusite said
    True_blue_aussie saidWhy do so many gay, and not so much bi people feel a need to prance out of the closet? Why do they feel such a big need to make such a big deal about their sexuality?

    I'm sure many of them would be the first too scream like a wet cat, if another was to make as big a deal about their sexuality! As a pure homosexual, if one was to produce a child via Artificial Insemination, the only choice of breeding for a pure homosexual, I would be heartbroken if that child was to turn out a homosexual, because I would want the best for my child! One would be loving, but none the less heartbroken, and one is not a christian, or behold the false belief system of the left, as the gay community beholds lots of issues to that are damaging, nor is it free of sin either!

    But.........I myself as a pure homosexual, have lived my life open and true fully, no matter how detrimental it may of been to my early advancement. But one has never come out either, I just got on with living my own life.


    Not to get bitchy or make the thread drift, but why do you feel the need to almost always announce to us that you are a "pure homosexual?" Not only are you doing what a number of straight men do i.e., "I'm 110% straight," but you're also doing exactly what other GLBT people do when they come out: making a "big deal" about their sexuality.


    matey if the term gay was not so over used, and misused too, maybe one would not feel a need to be clear one in noway is a bisexual male, as there is a diffrence to being a homosexual and a bisexual, thats all; there are a number of men here who live all there youth, young adulthood as straight men then their adulthood as breeding straight men in a perfect family and then when they have come out as old fossils, when it is safe to do so, and they have nothing to lose, it's as a gay man and not a bisexual one. Maybe all we pure homosexual males need, is a banner of our own, after all gay has been hijack.


    I myself make little noise about my sexuality out here. But I don't live a lie either. But if ever asked I am clear I am a pure homosexual, never been tainted with a women. Never hid behind a skirt, or many children, pretending to be a family man. No we pure homosexuals don't get any such respite. Not saying bi is bad, albeit many wives may not agree, but it's not the same as being a pure homosexual either. In fact it's many of these bi guy that when they come out they are the ones who feel a need to stick rainbow flags on everthing, to try and prove they are as gay as everone else. I being a pure homosexual have never felt a need to stick a rainbow flag on anything, as I am.
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    Dec 29, 2010 7:20 PM GMT
    I come from a very strict Irish Catholic family.
    When I came out they really couldn't careless. They still love me despite their faith.
    What other people are or how they might react to you isn't a reason to deny yourself.
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    Dec 29, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    True_blue_aussie said
    Columbusite said
    True_blue_aussie saidWhy do so many gay, and not so much bi people feel a need to prance out of the closet? Why do they feel such a big need to make such a big deal about their sexuality?

    I'm sure many of them would be the first too scream like a wet cat, if another was to make as big a deal about their sexuality! As a pure homosexual, if one was to produce a child via Artificial Insemination, the only choice of breeding for a pure homosexual, I would be heartbroken if that child was to turn out a homosexual, because I would want the best for my child! One would be loving, but none the less heartbroken, and one is not a christian, or behold the false belief system of the left, as the gay community beholds lots of issues to that are damaging, nor is it free of sin either!

    But.........I myself as a pure homosexual, have lived my life open and true fully, no matter how detrimental it may of been to my early advancement. But one has never come out either, I just got on with living my own life.


    Not to get bitchy or make the thread drift, but why do you feel the need to almost always announce to us that you are a "pure homosexual?" Not only are you doing what a number of straight men do i.e., "I'm 110% straight," but you're also doing exactly what other GLBT people do when they come out: making a "big deal" about their sexuality.


    matey if the term gay was not so over used, and misused too, maybe one would not feel a need to be clear one in noway is a bisexual male, as there is a diffrence to being a homosexual and a bisexual, thats all; there are a number of men here who live all there youth, young adulthood as straight men then their adulthood as breeding straight men in a perfect family and then when they have come out as old fossils, when it is safe to do so, and they have nothing to lose, it's as a gay man and not a bisexual one. Maybe all we pure homosexual males need, is a banner of our own, after all gay has been hijack.


    I myself make little noise about my sexuality out here. But I don't live a lie either. But if ever asked I am clear I am a pure homosexual, never been tainted with a women. never hid behind a skirt, or many children, pretending to be a family man. No we pure homosexuals don't get any such respite. Not saying bi is bad, albeit many wives may not agree, but it's not the same as being a pure homosexual either. In fact it's many of these bi guy that when they come out they are the ones who feel a need to stick rainbow flags on everthing, to try and prove they are as gay as everone else. I being a pure homosexual have never felt a need to stick a rainbow flag on anything, as I am.


    I personally know a number of formerly married gay men at my church who would take offense at presumably being 'tainted' because they were with a woman, married, and had kids. I even take offense at that! Not everyone had it as easy as you did, my good man, nor were they able to fully love and accept themselves until much later in life.

    BTW-We know that you are a 'pure homosexual;' there is no need to constantly repeat it in every post. That, to me, sounds like you are making a 'little noise' about your sexuality.
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    Dec 29, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    Please, please, please stop quoting Auntie True Blue Moron. I have his posts blocked but every time you quote him I'm forced to read his uneducated, illiterate drivel.

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    Dec 29, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    DJdorchester saidPlease, please, please stop quoting Auntie True Blue Moron. I have his posts blocked but every time you quote him I'm forced to read his uneducated, illiterate drivel.



    Sorry! icon_lol.gif